I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

Look at that last line you wrote. That explains everything. That ship has sailed. It’s no longer about herself, she has two young children and she needs to make decisions in the best interest of her family….not what she thinks will give her back her dream life.

’life isn’t a box of chocolates’, yet because OP picked a shit-filled one (liar, debt, ED) she has to stick with that for 20 years? Why?

I was thinking exactly the same.

I think the last sentence is v sage advice. You sound like you feel trapped. I’m quite a bit older than you and when I look back over my life, it’s been made up of phases/chapters and I’ve loved them all in different ways.

I think the mistake many people make is expecting a perfect life in the right linear order: carefree singleton, career, home purchase, perfect partner/marriage, kids, happy ever after. Most people never find that ‘perfection’. Some do and find it mind numbingly dull. I know a number of people who thought they had it, then their partner or child suddenly died or became disabled.

As John Lennon said, “life’s what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”. I’ve learned you have to grab happiness where you can and not expect to find perfection. Don’t compare yourself to others. You have no idea what their life is really like. Many people put on an act to the outside world.

It seems to me you need to tease out your unhappiness with your partner and your priorities right now:

1. If he didn’t have debt, owned his own home and had more earnings/wealth than you, would the incompatibility/sex life be less of a problem? Is it money that matters most?
2. Or if you were having great sex (a fantasy with two babies) and got on fantastically (a fantasy with two babies) would the soon-to-be-paid-off debt even matter?
3. If he was wealthy, you were always laughing, you had great sex, but he was a rubbish dad, nightmare housemate and left all the mental load to you, would that be OK?

It’s very unlikely you’ll find everything in one person. When you have young kids, the qualities your partner has are so important. And he clearly loves you all. When you have kids, it’s not great to keep bowling through life, trying out men then casting them aside. But when your kids are independent, that’ll be possible again.

I’m not suggesting you stay with him if you really feel there’s something better waiting for you and your children. But is there? Could friends provide the compatibility and excitement you crave?

You seem to like being in control or have the ‘lead’ position in relationships. Previous men have moved in or out of your home when you’ve decided. You control your partner’s finances etc. Might this need exploring?

Could lone therapy help? You’ve been through A LOT of life changes, both losing a parent and having children of your own. Don’t be hard on yourself. Take time to adjust.

Look at what you just wrote. Staying in a relationship with someone you don't love or respect isn't in the best interests of anyone.

Rather than think about what your life is now, think long and hard about what it would be like if you ended things. Do you really want/expect to go back to a conveyer belt of endless men and options with two young children as a single parent?

would that be good for you? Would it be good for your children? What exactly would you be searching for if it isn’t what you already have?

You seem to value his loyalty, hard work, sharing of the household and family burden - as you should, it’s a rare and wonderful thing. So what would it feel like to lose all of that, and have to juggle two households? Your life will never, ever go back to what it was in your twenties. That is true for every person on earth. So once you really acknowledge that, you need to figure out what it is that you’re really chasing. And decide if that will be really better than what you already have. Maybe, just maybe, you should love the one you’re with.

And definitely don’t make any decisions while you are sleep deprived in a hormonal storm with two under three. No one makes good decisions then.

I too love your frankness, OP, and you've received a lot of wise and diverse advice. However, I agree with a pp who suggested some individual therapy. There are two questions you've not addressed, and I think it's important you get to the bottom of them, because they're the key to understanding your own values, motivations, and decision making processes.

Why did you move a man in who you weren't that bothered about, had little in common with, and the sex wasn't great?

And why on earth, once you were locked down together with this nothing-in-common bad-sex guy, did you decide to just not bother using contraception? And then double down with a second child, when you were already unhappy?

It would be good to delve deep and properly understand these choices before making any more life-changing decisions. (From your posts, you seem to have a reckless, risk-taking, fuck-it, now-i-have-to-pay streak masquerading as an adventurous free spirit, and it is self sabotaging and self harming to your overall life and wellbeing.)

After you have children life is never the same.
You lose your freedom, you lose time to do things and be together as a couple and that can make the relationship feel stale.
Is there any chance of someone minding the kids for a few days while you go away somewhere or do something nice together to reconnect?
At least then you will feel if there is still a spark left in your relationship.

And whose fault is that? She has two children with him, because she CHOSE have two children with him. So the children have to suffer because she’s now decided, it’s not really for her.

That’s utterly selfish

I think what you need to consider is that even if you leave him you still have 2 young kids to look after. And it sounds like he does A LOT. So your situation would be very much worse in my opinion. I would suggest giving it a bit of time.

I'm not being dismissive of your problems as there sounds like there are some significant ones. But I would NOT make any big decisions until your youngest is out of the pre school years, honestly. Kids make such an impact on a relationship but it usually gets better. I would definitely give it some more time.

I'd ask for a monthly night where I was free to see somebody else and offer the same! Sexual frustration will cause all sorts of anger/resentment

I'll just mention, that you are unlikely to resume your old life now, unless you leave with nothing including the children.

You have kids, You will not attract young single guys who dont have or want responsibility.
Things have moved on. You are older, & you may find you are no longer at the top of the dating pile.
I dont actually think you should stay, its just that your freedom may not be any better

I found so many replies on this thread insightful and helpful.

I have two children, both under 4. Last year, I felt trapped, my DH annoyed the hell out of me, and I was telling family I can't stay with him much longer. Visiting back home in the UK, a female relative was the only who really made me think it through before I made any rash decisions. Sleep deprivation, a 3 year old and a 6 month old, breastfeeding, hormones. She said it was likely this was all contributing to it. Her DH left her to be with the OW when her two were very small. It was horrendous for her, a huge struggle. My DH is brilliant (similar to how you have described yours - except no ED, nor debts). He's currently out with my two now so I have a morning to myself after a tough week with a sick toddler. A year on, I'm so glad I didn't walk out last year. I'm still sleep deprived, I'm still breastfeeding, I'm still not feeling like myself, but I know my issues a year ago, were less to do with DH and more to do with myself.

I would offer the same advice, to wait it out and see how you feel in a few years. However, what sticks out to me is that you don't really seem to like him? Even a little? I don't feel any love whatsoever coming from your posts. Did you once love him? Did you once have things in common? Did you not talk in lockdown? Have a laugh together?
In my situation, I share interests with DH and after 14 years together, he still makes me laugh. So I'm not sure sitting it out and waiting is the best option in your situation either, unless there is at least something there connecting you?

You're really focused on making her pay for her choices, aren't you? I hope you are kinder to yourself and your loved ones than you are to anonymous users seeking support on the internet.

The children will suffer far more living with two parents who don't like or love each other.

Has he had his testosterone levels checked? Is he addicted to porn? It’s not normal for a man of his age to be experiencing ED.

What was the cause of his debt? Has he acknowledged the reason why he got into debt and has he made genuine effort never to get into that situation again?

It seems like these are the two issues that are causing you to feel no spark for him.

Have you considered psychosexual therapy for your DP? ED issues can be psychological. I understand why you feel you need to manage his money, but you issuing him with his pocket money each week/month sets up a parent/child dynamic which isn't arousing for anyone. There is a real power imbalance going on.

I wouldn't throw away the relationship with the father of my children, break up my family and accept seeing them only part of the week without trying absolutely everything else first (unless it was abusive, of course).

Including:

• chat with a GP to rule out PND .

• individual therapy for you to help you thoroughly understand yourself and commitment/attachment as well as why you're struggling to take responsibility for all of the choices you've made to lead to your current life.

• psychosexual therapy for him with a well qualified, CORST registered therapist.

• back into couples therapy to explore everything you've both learned individually.

• setting some goals as a family. Places you want to visit, experiences you want to have etc. Get some creativity and excitement going for what the next few years could look like instead of constantly looking back.

• exploring new hobbies with your DH, investing in date nights, making an effort to touch each other more and connect emotionally. These things do require intention, especially when the kids are very young. My husband and I share few of the same hobbies, but we support each other in pursuing what we enjoy and make time to listen to the other person.

• planning more time in for just you to meet up with friends and have fun.

Ultimately I agree with the majority here, leaving behind a carefree life of flitting here, there and everywhere without a second thought is part of motherhood, and it's OK to mourn that. But it isn't coming back, whether you stay with your partner or not.

Very sorry.
I couldn't cope, and I'm 45.
Mr. Hindsight is always wonderful.
Any advice here would be really difficult.

2026 is only 18 months away. Give it until then - when he is financially independent and the kids are older. In the meantime, work at it rather than treading water. Make things in common - find something you both enjoy, sort out the ED - GP, viagra, and make sure you have some time out - with friends or whatever, so you get a breathing space.

The "old you" seems rather out of touch with her feelings. The now you, overwhelmed by the constraints of reality. Your partner offered you a dream and failed to deliver.

I notice reading your post how much you refer to debt. Thats not a good place to be.
Just a couple of thoughts.

Good luck OP. Your last update is exactly how I was thinking about your situation. Those days are gone and you have the kids now. These hands on men are like gold dust. I’ve got one and know how precious he is (love mine to bits though). There’s a lot of women on here with no help at all. I hope you settle into your life and appreciate the good things in it x

It’s not about making someone pay.

It’s about taking ownership of your life and the decisions you’ve made. Her attitude is extremely immature and she is looking to blame her partner for the lack of control she feels in her life.

The only way for her to overcome this. Is to take accountability for HER actions and to make decisions more wisely in the future.

She isn’t going to get her dream life back, if she thinks the man of her dreams is going to come along and take on two small kids, then that’s just fantasy.

If chooses to leave the relationship then she must realise she is equally to blame for everything that has happened and for the fallout on the two very young kids. She can’t blame her DP for ‘selling her a dream’, she can blame herself for the actions she knowingly took.

It sounds like you could do more to make your current set up work for you. Ie finding fulfilling friendships and experiences outside of the family unit so you’re not feeling trapped by them. I appreciate it’s difficult with a 6-month old baby but it’ll be easier to find time for that as the baby gets older.

You married the wrong man. You have only two choices as far as I can see. Leave and start again. Or soldier on and work at improving things, neither choice is easy. But only you can decide.

His IVA will be adjusted if he needs to pay more rent, equally it will need to factor in the CMS level of child maintenance based on his salary.