I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

I would try and look at this from a different angle: you both deserve to be in relationships with people who love and respect you. You might admire his parenting, but you don't love or respect him as a partner and equal.

Mourning the past is a red herring. This relationship isn't fulfilling, so you're searching for a time when your life was full and fun and you didn't feel so alone.

Start planning your exit. If you feel the need to wait until 2026, fine. But start now. Build an emergency fund. Sort out reliable childcare. Strengthen your career prospects. Reconnect with old friends. Plan vacations you might not get to take for another decade. Learn a new language (Duolingo, free and 5 minutes a day). Find the old parts of you that are still relevant and leave the rest behind.

The way out of this is the future. None of us can tell you what to do next, but it seems clear that he isn't the right person to walk that path with you. Once you've made that decision, you'll figure out the rest.

This. My exhusband left me when our children were 3 and 2. He went off with a 17 year old from work and returned to the life we'd had when we met 10 years before. He dressed like a much younger man . He went back to motorcycle racing as a hobby and was thrilled to be winning races. He was 32 . The other competitors were all in their late teens and early 20s. He didn't seem to see that as pathetically sad. His comment as he left 28 years ago was " I want to do what I want, when I want and I can't do that with children, so I'm sorry I have to leave ". And off he went. One of us has a fabulous life with a man who sounds a lot like your partner, although I fancy and adore him ( and he's very financially astute). The other ballsed it all up ,ended up homeless , estranged from his children and committed suicide at 58. He's an extreme example but do not underestimate the wonder of a good man. Only you can decide what to do but the grass is often not greener. You may find a man with a golden cock but your children will never be his and you may well find ( as I did) that many,many single ,childless men aren't interested in dating women with young children. They want their own.

The first thing to be really clear about is that separating from your partner is not a ticket back to your twenties. Life is in phases and that one is done. It's fab that you have happy memories of that time. When I'm having a tough time I think back to my carefree twenties: single, plenty of disposable income, fun social life, absolute freedom to take each day as it comes and do whatever I like without having to consider my family. I think it's par for the course to mourn for that a bit.

I wonder whether your partner paying off his debts in 2026 might actually help you to like him more. It would be a turn off to me to be supporting someone through paying their debts.

I have a 6mo baby and a toddler DD too so I know how exhausting it is.

That being said I think you are romanticising your old life a lot and find yourself at risk of falling in to a trap of thinking the grass is greener.

Opting to become a single mother will undoubtedly mean more cost, more childcare and more demand on you.

There is no one way ticket back to your “old life” and wether you like it or not you have these responsibilities now. You need to grow up and practice a bit of gratitude for what you have, lots of people have real problems, if your main issue is you’re a bit tired and not getting shagged as much as you’d like you honestly have a lot to be thankful for. Grow the fuck up.

2 thoughts on your situation:

• I think you're making an error in how you're seeing your choice. You're framing your choice between staying how you as re and and going back to how your life was before, but you've passed the fork in the road - the actual choice is between your current situation and the joys of single parenthood.
• He won't be as happy as you think he is. Men feel like they have to offer something to relationships, and I'd bet you a lot of money that his super-dad performance will be in some way driven by shame about his sexual inadequacy and feeling like he has to make up for it somehow. He may even welcome the chance to start again sexually with someone and get his masculinity back in that regard?

This sounds so difficult. And I could say a bunch of stuff about working on seeing him differently,working on the markers you ascribe to people and how easily you label them as not good enough, but if there’s no spark, that’s just how it is, imo. Have you considered opening up the marriage? I truly think this could be a great solution, but you both would need to do some reading and thinking. Opening it up enables you to maintain your nest at home for your kids, the shared finances etc, while getting other needs met outside it. There are lots of books and podcasts etc you can look at to understand more (it requires thinking about boundaries and such like).

i also wonder if it’s actually impossible for you to have anything in common, or if you two couldn’t find something shared to pursue, to maintain friendly connection.

Without meaning to you are pinning the end of the bliss of your 20s on your partner. It would have ended eventually, people around you would have settled down/had more baggage, the available friends would slowly have more commitments in their own life and it might not have seen so thrilling after a while (you said yourself you wanted a family).

You owe it to your children to think of them and do what’s best for them, whatever you decide that is.

One thing of for sure, we can't have it all in life!

To me, it sounds like you have all the things that matter. Someone who's there when life gets hard, someone who is willing to have their share of the kids, who gives you freedom you need, someone who is working to pay their way.

You have a good guy there, its a hard time right now with the little ones, everyone knows that. Get past that together, try and do more things together, build family memories together, get outdoors exploring with the baby carrier on.

Then see how you feel, but I think you should give it more time.

You may not realise it now, but you could have managed to have the best balance of living life and travelling and then a family to call your own and make your own adventures with. 😀

OP, I really fell for you. But, in a way, what you experiencing is called "growing up". Yes, you could have led your carefree life forever... but you said yourself you wanted a family! Yes, your partner turned out to be a dud. But, you have amazing DC! and he is a good dad. You have to be thankful for that! You are tired and probably depressed, but I promise you it will get better and you will be happy, whatever way. You sound fun and interesting, This does not go away! your DC will grow up fast, and you will do whatever you want again. If you want!

As for your DP - of course you have to have compassion for him, and stay friends, but you dont have to do it at an expense of your own happiness. Maybe pause for now, your little one is too small, but once they are at school or nursery have a good think what you want. I know a lot of single women with kids, they lead their life how they want it to be - none of them regrets having their DC. Everything will be fine! x

How about an honest conversation about the lack of sexual compatibility - for HIM too.

It's possible he's also not as attracted to you as he could be with another woman. For him too he's not able to connect with you/laugh with you/share interests.

Is there any chance you might consider discreetly dating outside the relationship with full honesty. Poly relationships VERY rarely work but it might be worth talking about it.

It sounds like you do care and respect the other (mostly) though I appreciate the lie about the debt has been really hard to recover from

I have a very similar story to you, OP. I did leave my DH and can honestly say my life improved dramatically. It's not the life I had in my 20s, but it's a life that's full of fun and laughter and trips to places and the occasional holiday with my DC

Being a single parent to small DC was difficult and my DH had them EOW. But as I got older he now has them 5050 which suits us both and the DC enjoy it. . Don't let the fact that you don't want to be seen as a single parent impact your decision and spend a lifetime being unfulfilled.

How on earth did you manage to have 2DC with someone you nothing in common with, no spark, no connection, he hid his financial position from you, moved in and you just allowed it. Did your birth control fail?
I'm struggling to see how you could up with 2DC against your will. You do need to take some responsibility here, you should never have let it get that far, but you have so now you need to make the best of it and plan your separation.

@Thirtylifecrisis

I was in a similar situation, albeit late 20's when I had my first baby...
The father was a fling, convince, a bit of fun or whatever.
I didn't want DC to grow up without a father, we got actually married and had 2nd DC, bough a house and moved area all in quick succession.

While DC were babies, toddlers and primary school age, I could have written your post for most months.

I felt disconnected from life, had difficulty making mum friends and my world was very small in terms of people and places I could go. Finance was always an issue but we had enough to raise DC and pay a mortgage, holidays were limited to camping trips, sitting by the pool and visits to family for a weekend.

I often looked at DH and felt that the only thing we had in common were DC and the house.

Fast forward to now, DC are late teens, we are going to celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary in September.

We are in the process of re organising our life together and having seperate hobbies to give us our own space.
We did discover things that in the whirlwind of the early years, we didn't know about each other!
But, our relationship is more a friendship than being a couple. This is still work in progress but with more time and space (no DC walking in on us!) it's looking good.

Lastly, my advice is look at all the wonderful things you have. Don't dwell on the things/ life you don't have.

To be honest, you don't love him, so you should leave the relationship, but it sounds like you actually have the basis of a nice friendship and Co parenting relationship?

Would it be possible to have a situation where you can live under the same roof as co parents?
Is there an office or something you can turn into another bedroom in the house? That way you both live with the kids, the financial hit isn't as disruptive to you all.

The OP is extremely immature. Has made decisions throughout her life, knowing the full facts and now blames life events and her partner.

She says things like ‘ I became pregnant’

No, she had sex with a man she claims has ED, which resulted in a pregnancy of which she decided to keep. She then decided to do it all over again with baby no 2, with a man she claims is financially irresponsible, she has nothing in common with and doesn’t love? That’s batshit

The OP fucked up her own life. She needs to get her head out her arse and look after her little ones and not make yet more bad decisions

I mean this with no criticism, but it seems abundantly clear to me when reading through your story there is such an over arching sense of commitment issues on your end.

The shag pad and feeling a sense of empowerment and enjoyment in the knowledge you can easily get rid of people, having no ties, the house being just in your name and your earlier statements of needing to find a financially solvent man so that if it all goes sideways you can get out easily with no worries to be had. I know you've written your posts in a way that would indicate you've gone off him, but to me it's reading like a woman who was scared of commitment and has never really gotten over that and now feels trapped in a relationship with a man she almost sees a subordinate. It wouldn't surprise me if your DP sees you as the better one in the relationship too and he know doubt knows about your previous bachelorette lifestyle, not to mention the fact his partner has also made her feelings about being desperately unhappy known. I know the reasons for ED can be physical and varied, but it wouldnt surprise me if the power imbalance in your relationship (even if its just a perceived one) could be linked to his ED. It might be a stretch, but when I've been reading your posts this is what I see.

My advice would be to seek counselling independently. Talk through these feelings. Determine how much of it is linked to commitment idsues or grief over the loss of freedom you are experiencing, and how much of this (if any) is just misdirected loathing at DP for being the catalyst to your life changing. Working on your own mental health is never a bad thing. You could use this time over the next year to let your hormones settle, work on things you can do everyday to keep you well, seek advice from a therapist and allow DP time to pay down his debts. A year from now, if there is anything you feel is salvageable, resume couples counselling or make a decision to end it.

@AngelinaFibres are you really comparing OP to your ex? If so, can’t see any parallels at all!

Not sure if anyone else has said this but you might be better suited to open relationships/polyamory? If you can be respectful and open and honest about how you feel about your partner and who you are (free spirited), then you can commit to this family whilst also having that element of freedom? You didn't settle down before, it sounds like an absolute fluke that you settled for long enough to have this family, so I don't think there's a risk of you seriously leaving him.

But really he's the person you need to have a conversation with. You don't have to have lots of sex to be important to eachother. Also, the gender roles are huge here because you're the breadwinner and the one who's openly wanting better sex (although I'm sure he wants it to if it's a medical issue...maybe that would solve everything!) and he's the dedicated parent who's vulnerable to you leaving.

This is also right!

When was the last time you and your husband did something fun, just the two of you, as people not parents? Have you considered you might have PND?

2 young children can crucify any relationship and you become parenting robots. Friends just trying to get through the day.

I felt like you for years op. Have almost called it quits a few times but financially we're in a significantly better situation than you so I can imagine this is yet another huge strain on you both.

DH does his fair share, especially since lockdown hit (I do still carry the mental load). I actually, unknowingly had PND and was just miserable, unfulfilled and felt trapped. At times I still wish for the freedom and fun of the past. My dc are now of an age where we can leave them for a day/night with the eldest beging 17. My career is taking off again and I'm feeling more independent again.

We're rediscovering our lives and building our relationship which has been well and truly tested.

The sex thing is a concern. Dh also struggles to perform and has a significantly lower sex drive than I do. BUT away from the family and when he's less tired we're better. This is the really difficult bit because I do need more than he can ever give me. An open relationship isn't accepted by DH but I wonder if your DH might see it differently.

Your life isn't ruined op. You still have choices, all complicated but still available to you. A 6 month old baby and about to return to work is not the best time to be making life changing decisions. It will work out one way or another and if it does result in separation know your children have a fabulous dad and I suspect you will have a good friend.

Yes, the best advice for this woman with a six month old baby and little one, who has gone from bad decision to worse….is to enter a polyamorous relationship

I think you need to grow up. You can’t go back to that life (nor should you want to as that would be rather pathetic at your age). Right now you’re in the baby years - so yes you might feel unfulfilled. So build a new life - with or without your partner. Don’t go back, move forward

OP admits she picked the wrong partner at a vulnerable time in her life. It's not like she's out drinking and partying every weekend. She's living with her choices and making the best of it. She has a career and her own house, all while carrying the burden of managing her partner's enormous debts (that he lied about to her).

She's allowed to acknowledge her unhappiness and to plan out a better life for herself.

Some great replies on here. I don't need to repeat. I have 2 friends like you. One it was the changing of relationships, the other jobs and houses. I tried to tell them,it was actually them!!! They didn't believe me, the grass MUST be greener,one is in her 70s now,still not satisfied. Life isn't a box of chocolates! When my DH retired most of my female friends said "oh you poor thing". It was annoying at first, but we got into a pattern. We're 50s kids, I didn't get help with the household stuff, in spite of having 4 DCs and working ft nights. I didn't expect it,my late father,who died 16 years ago,in his 70s had never even made a cup of tea! Since retiring (I'm 7 years older,so was already retired,) he has learnt to cook,it's 50/5O with pretty much everything. He actually made a pair of curtains this week on my sewing machine first time! We do laugh,he does get on my tits sometimes,he's messy I'm fussy. Sometimes I explode, but I go out in the garden,text a friend,swear at the trees under my breath. I know now you need to pick your battles. We've been together 35 years, some days I think I hate him,then he does something nice, little thing, like a cuppa.

I may be wrong but your DP sounds more involved with the DC . Have you ever thought about you moving out on your own rather than him ? I know it's your house but you could rent somewhere , rent out your house to him . He would probably get help with Housing Benefit if he's on a low wage .