I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

Alright, OP, had a bit of time to think.
You have two little children, you are solvent, you have a place to live, presumably result of your work and determination, not your partner's.
I'm quite cynical and always put myself first, so here it goes.
You cannot ditch your little ones, but you definitely can ditch another adult.
If it's a bit of freedom you crave, you'd be surprised how much of "you" another adult human takes.
Now, partner with debts and ED, who does his fair share at home, wouldn't be enough for me even 20 years ago.
What your partner gives to your life can be substituted by technology and paid "help".
I wouldn't suggest counselling, just to convince yourself to settle for so little.
Think about ditching the adult.

Only read first page and OPs post, but fuck me, it shows how shit so many men there are, that the mere fact a man does his equal share of child and house work, means he’s a catch and we need to be grateful for it. That merely taking his share of the load is compensation for no sex, no laughs, nothing in common, no real friendship or bond.

Fuck me, things are still so bad for women.

OP, I am much older than you and much further down the line, my kids are older. My personal view is splitting when they are young is much easier in the kids. I think there is research on this too. The effects on kids are much less when they are little.

I also know that loneliness in a marriage sort of grows, it becomes a constant gnawing at your soul. You can try to block it out with going out and doing stuff, but it always comes back.

And that looking at other couples, with happy relationships, where they actually like each other, the pain of that never leaves.

I don’t know what the answer is for you OP. I appreciate your dilemma. I guess my view is that the emotional cost to you of staying will be very, very high.

I’m not sure it would be easy to go back to your carefree life from your younger days. Are your friends still in the same situation? It’s harder to make new friendships as we age I think, and the people like this lifestyle may be much younger etc. Men may not be as available as they were in your 20s and you’d have to coordinate around children/childcare.

That said, i don’t think it’s right to stay with someone you don’t love and feelings won’t change for. I only have one child and have a great partner who does more than half with house, kid etc but even still I’d find this difficult if I didn’t love him. I miss my carefree days at times and life is definitely not as exciting, but i wouldn’t change this for the world. I know i will get ‘me’ back again but it will still be different than what it was.

As said before 2026 is not that far and with young kids it will fly by so Id use the time to prepare to leave then if your feelings haven’t changed. You’d likely be stuck paying his debts anyway if you left now.

I can remember feeling much like this when our kids were small, but, DH and I had been together 10 years before we had kids, and I had no doubt that our relationship would and should survive because we’d been so happy before kids. I think it was partly hormones added on to the general small child drudgery. Children can be a hand grenade into the best of relationships. Everything got better as they got older for me.

You are not married and you own your own house. Those are huge things to be grateful for.

It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

You are acting like you had absolutely no involvement in any of these decisions.

You are responsible for your own life.

You chose to move in with this man and stay for as long as you have.
You chose to have not only 1, but 2 kids.

Now you are bored with life and you’re somehow trying to blame someone or something else for the choices you made.

Your first step is to take accountability for your own actions.
You have to accept that you made these choices because at the time it was what you wanted.

You cannot make a huge decision like separating, if you are still refusing to take any accountability.

Which was the real you?
The one making the decisions back then (no one takes having 2 kids lightly) or the one that’s making the decisions now.

Most people would think that this version of you isn’t the real you and that perhaps you are having some sort of midlife crisis or you’ve seen friends having a fun lifestyle and you’re feeling resentful.

Only you know what you really want but you cannot admit that to yourself until you admit that the choices you made were 100% yours and you were the driving force behind them.

Again with the blame. It isn't selfish for a woman to reflect on how her life has turned out, acknowledge her unhappiness, and do something about it.

I disagree.

She's being the adult in the room.
I'd be doing the exact same and would hate and resent every minute of having to carry the responsibility... if they hsd no children you have a point but they do.
They have 2 children she can't afford it trust him and let him work it out on his own.
Failure isn't an option

,@Thirtylifecrisis
I do think the solo therapy would be a really good idea to get clarity on what you want in the future, there is a lot to unpack separate to your relationship

I’m past small child rearing stage by a long shot as DS is 23 but I have a hands on DH who did as much as men should but generally don’t. Amongst my peer group, women I have known for 20 to 50 years I would say only one other had a partner who was as decent as mine when it came to parenting. The money issues would have been a deal breaker but he has dealt with them by getting an IVA.

Seek therapy, it’s not just about the negatives about him as you have other issues and your life will never be the same after children. DS is out tonight and I have seen protests are being called in many major cities, I don’t want him to go out. But he will make his own choice and I will fret till he gets in. I was on the anti criminal justice bill peaceful demo that turned in to a huge riot in 1994.

They aren't married and she owns the house. She's in a great position to start over.

If you want to do what is best for your children you either stay and give it some time to work out or you leave. If things were great in lockdown there is obviously something there. You have been through a lot in a short time and probably just not had the time or energy to work on your relationship.
DP seems an amazing man and father and he appreciates his children. If you don't want to be with him it should be you leaving the family home and paying child maintenance so your children can continue to be with the parent who appreciates their existence and you can go back to the single life.
That might sound harsh and I don't mean it to be. Men usually leave as it is typically the woman who embraces family life and does most for the children. It sounds like it's the other way round in your relationship and that is okay so long as you put your children first and financially support them.

You are probably going to ruin your dp's life more than yours.
You sound like the kind of person who will always be okay.

I am so sorry. just underscores how important it is to choose a partner correctly…

I don’t have any suggestions other than open marriage?

Reads like a story

To reflect on her unhappiness she needs to recognise her part in it all. In order to stop making stupid decisions. That’s how you do something about it. Not put the blame on others. She feels out of control because she not taking ownership of her own actions.

If this was a man that said I have a six month old and little one, with a woman that I’m not sure I love, who isn’t funny and who’s crap in bed. She’s a great mum but I’m unhappy and wish my life was like it was when I was in my 20s. What do you think the reaction would be?

People need to be told the harsh truth, you might find that helps when dealing with your BBF Ben Affleck, who got married on the rebound and dragged 5 kids into a disastrous marriage.

You've had lots of useful advice OP and I admire your honesty. My observations are that having your first child is like a bomb going off in your life, especially if you've had a lot of freedom. It's going to feel really difficult whatever your circumstances. You're now surveying the devastation and thinking WTF and you'd be doing that whoever your DCs father was. You need to adjust to the new reality and accept it.

My second is that I've been married over 20 years and our relationship has waxed and waned over that time. We've weathered some big storms including a financial catastrophe due to DHs actions when I considered leaving. I didn't because our DC were small and I knew it would be harder alone. We've also had a fairly dismal sex life at times and TBH I sometimes wondered what the hell I was doing staying.

However we've stuck together and worked as a team. Like your DP my DH is a good hands on Dad and pulls his weight around the house. Our DC are now young adults and we're emerging into the sunlight with the prospect of more freedom ahead, some adventures on the horizon, a bit of financial stability and the best sex life we've ever had.

Your life and your relationship with DP wont be static it will twist and turn and right now you can't predict now where you will end up in the future.

FWIW I'm glad I stayed with DH, we have different interests and don't always see eye to eye but we have mutual respect and love, a shared history, plenty of laughter and our family at the heart of it all and, for me, that's plenty and I'm grateful for the life we have.

I think it’s inevitable that you’ll end up separating. But if you want to bide your time until his debts are cleared, view yourself as a single mother with an amazing live in housekeeper. I think you’ll feel less resentful if you look at him in that light.

@Thirtylifecrisis it's a really difficult situation.

I think a lot of people can relate to how you're feeling - I know I did (I'm now separated from my exDH).

I think part of the problem is the modern culture - many of us have been educated, earn our own money, we get used to being free and independent, travelling, working, and doing what we want, when we want. And then we also have the societal expectations/ biological drive towards having a family and settling down. It can be difficult to transition from one way of life to the other.

Not to idealise the past in any way, but I do think things were simpler (not necessarily easier, but maybe less complicated) when there weren't so many options and opportunities. The expectations for many people were to get married, get a house, have children and just get on with it really. Now there are so many options open to us that it's difficult not to question is this the right way of life for me, is my partner the right one, is there something better out there. And let's face it, domestic life and bringing up a family can be drudgery at times, especially as if we have been used to freedom and excitement in our younger years.

I separated from my exDH a few months ago, for many reasons - mainly his mental health issues - but another big one was also that he did not pull his weight in the house at all. I spent years exhausted and longing for him to change and be the type of hands on, helpful partner that you describe your partner to be. My exDH is actually very good financially, and responsible. But as you have mentioned, it is difficult to get everything in just one person (emotional and sexual intimacy, financially solvent, pulls their weight domestically etc).

It was a heartbreaking decision for me to separate from my ex, but it was definitely the right decision. We have the dc pretty much 60/40 (me 60, him 40) and I love my time with them and also my time on my own. It's wonderful to not feel stifled and having to compromise all the time in a relationship that's not working. Our dc are now older (teens) so it's a bit down the line from where you are. I guess only you can make the decision about whether things are salvageable or not.

Just wanted to say that you are not alone in having these feelings. It's a difficult situation and I really empathise with what you're going through.

The crunch point will come when he asks you to marry him, and he will. What will you say?

It's not the 1950s, so she doesn't need to do any of that, thank goodness.

She doesn’t need to take accountability? That was a 1950s concept was it?

Perhaps you just weren’t cut out for this type of life full stop. Bit late now though.

The care free twenties was a stage of life, parenting young ones with this man will be a stage of life too, eventually it will change and you will move into the next stage of your life, choose then what you want to do with it. Best to parent and be with someone during a cost of living crisis than single, but that’s just my opinion, yours may be different and you can do what you want, but remember if anything is guaranteed, it’s that nothing stays the same, change is inevitable. This too, shall pass.

How do you think that's helpful? It may or may not be true, but so what? She's probably told herself that. How does it solve the problem?

Well it doesn’t solve the problem if she believes her partner is the one to blame does it. It means she will just go on getting herself into situations that she doesn’t want to be in.

She needs to know it’s her decisions that got her here