I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

Well I have kids with two different men, both totally unsupportive and shit dads who have left me to do the bulk of everything.

It sounds like your DP does have some good qualities.

Are you married? I’d be careful there if he has debts.

Having two little ones, and lots of us will look back on the freedom of the child free years. What you describe sounds a lot like many of us with two little ones, those few years are really really hard. And your dp sounds like a wonderful dad who’s really taking his share of the load…unlike many you read about on here. You do loose yourselves as a couple in this toddler phase but you can get it back when the kids are older, I’d stick with it, you are in the eye of the storm at mo.

My friend bought a house - put her ex on bottom floor with a kitchenette, kids beds in the middle floor and she had top floor. Worked so well eventually she had a boyfriend and he moved in too. Always had childcare both parents saw the kids - cheaper than two houses

You have lost your spark. Two babies and work is tough

before you make radical decisions, in the nicest way, let your hormones settle. He sounds like a decent guy. There aren’t many around, especially as you get older!!!!

I mean this kindly, but this is a clear case of you having made your bed and now having to lie in it. Your children have to come first, and what's best for them is you and your partner continuing to live together, without a shadow of a doubt. They don't deserve to be constantly be separated from one of their parents (as in, when they're with him they'll be separated from you, and vice versa).

You had your 'fuck about' time in your twenties, and you can have it again in your fifties, but for now, your kids come first.

I bet he thought all his chickens had come home to roost when all things fell into place for HIM. Looks like he had time to condition you to being with him for ever. However, he sounds like he is a great father to your kiddies doesn't he? You would be doing a lot more on your own and that wouldn't be great.

Financial issues aside your partner sounds a wonderful hands on father and partner in life.....and trust me as single mother and divorced that is far far more attractive than many other things you seem to crave.
You sound quite....flighty....if I'm honest. Bouncing around from relationship to relationship holiday to holiday job to job. And so perhaps this is reason why you can't fully emotionally invest in your relationship with your partner because you feel short changed somehow and think something is better out there. That spark you are looking for....rush of lust with a man who sets your heart and bed on fire....doesn't exist outside of books and films. You committed to making a family with him and that comes with certain responsibilities to stick things out. Statistics show - abusive families aside - children do better in a two parent stable family household

If you don't feel anything for him in that way then you don't. It's not fair on you or him to stay but as other pp's have said you have a very small one so perhaps not the best timing to make life changing decisions. As pp's have said his financial situation should not be your problem however separation will clearly mean he's unable to be the father he currently is and that will impact you heavily. This is not through spite and it sounds like he would be devastated not to be able to do it. There's no point in people saying he's going to have to magically find a way. He could work two or three jobs to make things work financially but then he wouldn't actually be there to do all the stuff he does now. Would he be entitled to any benefits if having the kids 50/50 with you?

When I had my babies 15 years ago the only thing the medical people screened for was post partum depression. I had antenatal depression, and post partum anxiety and absolutely no idea that either of those things are not unusual.

I don’t want to come across as if I’m invalidating your feelings with “hey! hormones!” because this is the reality you are living. Your body has gone through the most incredible and mind blowing process to create two fabulous little humans, and unfortunately your emotional well being can be collateral damage along the way.

I recognised the antenatal depression as that on my second pregnancy, because it followed a pattern. First time I experienced it as pregnancy regret, and despite the baby being a much longed for, and planned pregnancy, I was considering abortion. I lost my loving feelings for my gorgeous cat! When I found myself going through the motions of caring for my beautiful toddler and cat the second time, and googling abortion services, I knew it wasn’t me.

The rage I felt towards dh at times in the first year post partum was unreal. Again, that is another very common experience of hormonal imbalance. I was too exhausted to do anything about it, but if I could have pulled my self together, divorce would have been an option. He gave me enough reasons to get mad at times, but I also had enormous resentment towards him for the life I had lost. The culture shock of motherhood is immense.

My youngest was three before I felt fully like myself again - although the worst of this was in the first 12 months. And it’s only with the experience of feeling that fog lift, that it became obvious that it was a bit more than my personality and life choices.

I’m sharing all that to say that when I suggest that early motherhood hormones could be contributing substantially, I’m not invalidating anything you’re going through.

You’ve got the added impact of grief too - and I’m so sorry for your loss. I watched my df die too and I’m still struggling to come to terms with that horror. I know you mentioned couples counselling, but have you had grief counselling for yourself?

All this to say, that I wouldn’t blow up your life 6 months post partum. I know if I had, I’d feel entirely justified in that decision, but I’m immensely grateful that I just didn’t have the energy to do anything about it hung in there.

Whatever decision you make next, you cannot recapture the life you had. And giving yourself more time, will give you more options. You may feel differently a year from now, or you may not. Giving him time to get on his feet financially will be better for your dc too. So my advice, for now, is to stay.

The lie about solvency was a big lie. I think that might have turned off any feelings I had for someone and it’s effect is probably part of the resentment now.

I think the best solution is for the kids to stay in the house, you rent a small flat preferably, or if you can’t afford that, a room share/ lodge in someone’s house, where you are upfront about the situation that you will be taking turns living there. I think it’s called nesting now. You and dp swap over and the impact on the kids is minimised as they have stability.

I think you do need a good relationship to co parent like this. How will dp be, if you split up? Will he still be nice or will he be full of resentment towards you?

The trouble with waiting till he’s solvent again, means the kids will be impacted more as they will be older and more aware. Perhaps nest until then, then think again about separating your lives in a greater way when the debts are paid off and you have more money.

Also, lots of free hot men as before won't be interested in more than a shag with you as they don't want to be tied down to a mum of 2, so less chance of finding a decent partner who is good with your kids

Your OP reads like the précis of a chick lit novel before the heroine launches into an affair with the gardener. You haven't ruined your life. You are young and healthy, you have a career, you have options. They're just really bloody complicated right now.

I am not in the "just leave" camp. You have tiny children and as you rightly say they rely on their parents utterly. It sounds like you are co-parenting well. Your P sounds like a decent person apart from the lying about his finances.

I think if I were you I would try to stop thinking about the what ifs. Focus on the present, your children and your wellbeing. Have honest conversations with your P about your feelings about your relationship. It could be that you end up agreeing to live together as co-parents for a number of years and then split. It would be better for the children if it was planned and amicable.

You're a grown up who made free choices, you need to deal with the consequences like a grown up.

But yes, check out post natal depression first.

I’m seeing serious red flags here - this man deceived you and moved in with you when you were very vulnerable.

He now describes himself as ‘living the dream’,

He’s benefitting from a situation where although you’re unhappy you feel you can’t kick him out, as he’d be homeless. If you allow this to continue a bit longer, and then the relationship ends (irregardless of who ends it) he’ll be able to claim in the family court that he’s the ‘primary carer’ for the children - you might be forced to move out into a tiny rented flat and leave him in the house with the children and fund his ‘dream’ until the youngest DC is 18. Think about whether you’d be happy to do that. Listen to your gut.

I am just very concerned about the serious deception on the part of your DP from which he has benefitted so very much. It almost sounds like he targeted you - a financially successful woman, vulnerable with assets. And as another PP observed, he just happened to lose his job once he had his feet under your table.

For now I would highly recommend: find out where you stand legally from a divorce lawyer without your DP knowing; phone / online chat with Women’s Aid and get their take on this; complete the Freedom Programme or at least read ‘Living With The Dominator’

I have personal experience of a lot of the above, including ‘abuser hiding behind wonderful dad persona’ - feel free to PM me.

What attracted you to him in the first place?

Agree with this. He's broke and has ED yet everyone thinks he's great because he looks after his own kids. Ffs. No wonder women are so fked.

You're a parent, and a grown up. Not the star of an holiday-read chick lit novel.

You had the fun of your twenties, in your twenties, when you had no ties. You now have responsibilities, so life has changed.

Sounds like you've got a decent man by your side, who's doing what he can to sort his finances, support the household, be a good father and allow you your time, and you're mooning around wanting your heyday back.

Wouldn't we all? But guess what... that's life. You have moved into another stage, and if you choose to embrace it, rather than pining for what was, you might even find you enjoy it.

And what does the poor guy on the receiving end of all this feel about the situation? Is he happy? Has he expressed doubts? It takes two to tango and you have made life choices - now it is your responsibility to decide what to do with them and how it will affect the two new lives you have created.

Yes, so many posters telling OP to accept major red flags / problems and suggesting that this will somehow also benefit the DC.

I thought this wouid be some really selfish mememe post but once I read about the erectile disfunction and you paying for shit 🤮🤢 Neither wouid I cope with! As a father/partner outside of that he sounds like he's earning he's keep 🤔 And you'd really miss that support. I'd get myself a big box of toys to start with 😫 I'd even consider an open relationship! And I applaud you for not marrying him and him ending up having a claim on your house! I'll tell you what he knows he's gonna earn he's keep and it does show he's a decent man!

OP does sound like you're mourning your previous life and it can be pretty normal to some. My DH lived a solo life prior to me and probably never envisioned the life he has now with me. Whereas, I envisioned being married and having lots of kids. We weren't as financially stable when we got together but our sex life was amazing! Fast forward we moved in, had kids and got married and everything changed! He has his own issues where this life we created is hard on him because of how he thought his life would go and still lives in the past sometimes and for me I have times where I question if I was with someone else I'd be happier who wants the same lifestyle as me. However, we are equally great parents and have young children and both have a strong income between us now.

However, my advice OP is you stated yourself that you have a great partner and a great dad to your kids, I would say try and find common ground with him and fight a little longer for your relationship because things can change. When I've had moments like you, I have to really dig deep and remember what is most important. The lack of sex is also a massive issue I can assure you that you also have small children which adds on to the stress of things. You may be feeling overwhelmed with everything and because of that it makes you want to go back to your past but remember what your end goal was. Money is important yes but it's not everything! We all have flaws somewhere in life but it sounds like you bagged yourself a good one actually and I wouldn't let that go. Debts can be resolved, sex life you can get help and kids will eventually grow up.

Hope all works out for you OP!

I disagree. Those kids especially the toddler will be emotionally damaged. I've seen it first hand with a 2 Yr old who's father left and did not engage with her apart from EOW. Still dealing with it now in their 30s

He sounds like a drag on your free and easy lifestyle. Get rid of.

I think you are being manipulated by this guy. He lied to you about something major to get you to agree to him moving in with you and he now knows you have one foot out the door so he’s making himself indispensable at home when you are you most exhausted stage of life. It’s the only thing he can do to have a roof over his head, he knows he’s in a much more vulnerable state than you are. I don’t think he’s doing all of this housework because he thinks it’s fair or the right thing to do, he’s doing it to avoid being homeless. He’s not an honest person.

I think you know this too subconsciously and that’s what’s stopping you from fully committing to this guy. He broke your trust early on and that changed your view of him. It doesn’t matter how many bottles or roast dinners he makes, you will always feel like he tricked you into this situation.

Your story has similarities to mine. I always questioned my relationship and how I ended up there. Also debt on his part. When my kids were small I buried my head and carried on. Eventually it fell apart. I’m now divorced and life is good. But if I was you I’d consider the tiredness and the young children and take your time. I would recommend counselling on your own. Unpick how you feel.