I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

@Sienna1987 this is my life exactly. Financially secure, good dad but mental and physical loads fall on me. It is very draining and does not help our relationship at all. Also lazy in bed so almost sexless (my choice) as I refuse to have bad 2 minute sex any longer. Resentment and disrespect creeps in. Where do you draw the line at what is acceptable? Do you accept being financially secure will come with these drawbacks?

I'm sorry I don't really have any advice for you but I just wanted to say you write beautifully! You also sound like a great person and a great mum. I'm another vote for sticking it out for now. Sending you lots of good luck OP.

@Queserasera1 It's so hard isn't it? We have periods where we both try harder (so he maybe takes me for a meal and we have sex) but then it's back to me doing all the donkey work while he sits on his phone. The only way I make peace with it all is that we are staying together as it benefits the kids and they can continue their clubs and lifestyle and we both get to parent them everyday and share this load and (from friends experiences of abuse, addiction and adultery in their partners) he could be a lot worse! I'm just not sure we would be able to stick it out together after the kids fly the nest as we only have them in common these days! Sending solidarity x

I agree! I want to be friends with her lol

This. You don’t have a carefree life anymore, you have 2 young children and you do need to stop reminiscing of times when you were free and single. Times change, and unfortunately you can’t get those times back now you have more responsibility. By the sound of it your DP is doing pretty much everything while working and giving you enough free time to do what you want already. Life will be much harder when you’re a single parent. I’m not saying stay with DP but you need to think about the reality of being alone with small children.

I agree. Even if you were still single well into your 30s it wouldn’t be what it is when you’re in your 20s, that’s not to say it would be worse either but it would certainly be different to what your 20s were. Life just changes and moves with time, and sometimes that adjustment can be hard esp when you’re a lot more tied down and restricted with kids etc but I’m sure that brings something else great to the table too.

How does your DP feel about your relationship? My initial thought was could you have what some might call a soft divorce? I.e. you continue to live and exist in the same house looking after the kids and going through the day-to-day drudgery of working and housework and all the rest of it, but you actually lead separate lives giving you the freedom to see other people if you both so wish? I know that sounds crass but it works for some and might help you with the financial situation and the burden of guilt you would feel if you left your DP knowing he couldn’t fend for himself? Equally, you would both be happier people and they knock on effect would be that the kids were also happy as they would have both parents with them under the same roof

This is actually not a bad suggestion. Perhaps have another go at bringing things around but if it doesn't work out, this may be an option for a while. Your dc are very young, unless you have fantastic other support in real life, it is going to be a struggle with working/cost of childcare etc.

@Sienna1987 solidarity to you too. It’s hard. Not bad enough to leave but also not good enough to stay. Like a very low level type of abuse. Funny you use the word donkey as my husband now uses the word donkey in a joking way after we had a chat. It’s disheartening having 3 children instead of 2. I have told him I want to seperate as I am already late 40’s and don’t want to waste more of my life, but the guilt over my children is eating me alive.

And i used to be amazed when my settled down friends would be asking me about things that we’d do in our 20s before they settled down, and having to explain to them that life has moved on from that, it is easy to think that life stays like the ‘good ol’ days’ just because there are no kids etc

For the OP definitely a wise decision to wait a little bit. I’m not really sure you should stay, but having babies and a big bereavement can totally throw your life upside down. Your grief does force you to re evaluate life. But after 2 years if you still feel the same, you will hopefully be in a better position to make a choice. Both of you deserve better than to settle. Your love/relationship might also have been reignited if you actively work on it.

He may try hard at housekeeping and with the children because he is paranoid/ anxious / aware that he doesn’t satisfy you physically and/or mentally and so he’s trying his best to make up for it in other ways.
Who knows.
The thing is, do you really honestly think that true lust /romance/ excitement really lasts?? Even if you have it with a partner for the first few years or maybe decade, do you honestly believe that the flame stays alight for the whole distance? Or do you think that all couples eventually become complacent/ cosy/ too comfortable/ change themselves in what they like or want or enjoy in life? I think that if you’d had a few longer term partners before this chap, you might have learnt this (and by no means do I mean that quite as condescending as it may read) . I fully sympathise with you. For this is the very reason that I don’t have a husband or kids- because I fear feeling what you feel. Life does get dull, even as a single 40-odd with no kids or hubby. Your friends “grow up” they have kids/ family etc and they aren’t around as much, our responsibilities become larger/ financial and going out happens very rarely / not fun like it used to be. It’s just growing old.-er.
I think you ought to try change your mindset. You are the only one living in your mind and otters cannot be responsible for YOUR happiness. YOU have to find the happiness for yourself, and you have responsibilities now. It’s not this blokes fault that you chose wrong. Were you pregnancies accidental or planned? Too intrusive question- apologies. I think a lot of women get baby brain and hormonal at a certain age where they have little control over their hormones and their body telling them to have a baby/ reproduce, unless you can actively recognise that it’s happening . Find your own happiness in the smaller things in your current life and don’t be so melodramatic of Stay/Leave for now and see how things pan out. I think you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself and your situation which isn’t helping any inner happiness that you may be able to experience.
I hope all works out for you x

Really? The first thing I thought was what cliche-ridden drivel, it reads like a coming of age novel crafted by AI.

I guess she could always self publish on Amazon?

I would personally make the most of having a good person in your life for maybe 3,years and then reassess how you feel. Like others have said you won't be having that previous life anyway with 2 small children so there's a bit of rose tinted glasses going on here . If at the 3 year point you still feel identical, at least you will have had help with very young children which is worth a lot, be back in a career and be at the point financially you get help with nursery etc - I would suggest being pragmatic at this point. He would also hopefully be in a better position so it's a kind thing to do to a person who has been good to you - I wouldn't push the sex thing if you are ambivalent about the relationship

I think you should grow up and stop complaining! You are an adult and nobody forced you to have children or stay with a person you don’t love. Take your own responsibilities. You are responsible for two little human beings now that need a family. Did you think babies were dolls or accessories? No. So stop dreaming about a past that doesn’t exist anymore. I do not feel sympathetic towards you, I’m sorry. You knew what you were doing. Try to make the most out of what you have right now and be strong for your little ones. Having a wonderful life with someone that is a good parent and partner is not the worse really. You can still have some freedom though

@GingerPirate I really agree with you. The thought of this seems scary to so many which I don't understand.
I have health problems. If I was in a relationship with a man who lived with me, I'd probably be dead now. I could not cope with the demands.

The big issue for OP is that you have children and that changes absolutely everything. It's now going to mean some form of sacrifice whichever road you go down. Life will never be what it was because there are kids now and age ( which means you will have less of a pool to choose from potentially).

@Thirtylifecrisis I've been married twice( still in 2nd marriage -28 years)and lived with someone for 4 years- am now 62. Many friendships and acquaintances later I know very few women who have the full pack of cards beyond maybe the 7 year point. I know women who have the H they still fancy and he's a good provider but does zero around the house and not much with the kids and I know women who have husbands who do a lot but the wives don't really fancy them much and it's not really romantic love but they do care about the partner. And I know many where it's kind of in the middle , they just muddle onwards - I guess the same is true for men too, although I think there are less women who do zilch round a home and kids. I think we are sold a fantasy of being out there holding hands in our 60s, still fancying the same man who hasn't changed remotely in terms of looks or personality - no issues of infidelity, unwanted porn, little in terms of helping with the home, all tickety boo financially, both still on same page as to what you are striving for- there are some couples like this, but I suspect not as many as people think and plenty plastering a smile on and just getting by because they don't like the look of other options much and yes money comes into it massively if you are older for many or not working.

I don't think you'll find a spark if there never really was one. The big draw factor initially was the financial provisions, which he didn't have in the end.

I would be honest and say to DP that romantically the relationship is difficult for you. I would suggest separate bedrooms if you have the space - but certainly no sex if it's awful. That's just horrible and I would stop trying - also heaven forbid to avoid yet another pregnancy. The other two didn't seem that carefully planned or maybe I misread.

I would suggest to keep cohabiting and co-parenting the kids together. In 2026 I would re-evaluate where you all are (wouldn't say that to him).

But for the next couple of years I would see him as a team mate in raising the kids not as a romantic partner. After a couple of years with both kids in nursery you can decide to either leave him or ask for an open relationship or maybe miraculously some sort of spark will appear.

But I would not flog a dead horse. DP will in all likelihood not be your romantic life partner. I think this honesty will feel liberating by itself. You might decide it's good enough to settle for in the longer term but I wouldn't put any effort into building the romance side of things for now. It's likely to fail and the resentment will make an eventual separation more painful.

You probably don't want to lose that much custody time and it would affect the kids to have the mother 'leave' but having some kind of shared custody would give you some freedom eventually.

I think the DC would be fine seeing you occasionally as their DF seems to be a devoted parent. Don't let them pick up your resentment. Some people can physically produce DC, but are not able to do the parenting.

Regarding your partners erectile dysfunction is it for medical reasons? My dh is prescribed sidafil and it works really really well for him/us

I both agree and disagree.

Well past the 7 year mark and I am lucky enough to have a DH I still fancy the pants off who is a fantastic husband, father and partner round the house, with good financial prospects. But I did choose very carefully and walked away from relationships previously where they were ready for marriage and I didn't see it being everything I wanted/needed a few years down the line.

But, in my circle of friends, I'm the only one. Others are divorced or still married but miserable. For one reason or another (or several)

In my family however, bar four (and I have a massive extended family) of us, we're all genuinely happy. Must be something to do with how we all think, maybe?

But it does happen.

Good luck OP

Have to say I agree!

Thank you for the further responses. To answer some questions about why I had my children.

When my father was dying something really changed in me. Life suddenly felt real and I felt my mortality properly for the first time.

He retired on the Friday and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer the following Thursday.
You couldn't make this shit up.

He could have retired a decade before he did but he wouldn't. He was always waiting to reach a certain target. Then he would fantasise often about his future.
"When I retire I'm going to get a fishing boat."
"The first thing I'll do when I retire is go to St Ives for the entire summer"

He had all these plans that he spent the latter part of his life talking about but refusing to carry out, out of fear. Now, when diagnosed, he was on lockdown and couldn't even go to the local corner shop, let alone take a holiday. He couldn't even have his last pint at his local pub that'd he'd spent decades going too.

We had literal weeks with him from diagnoses to death. He held my hand a week after diagnosed and started crying and said 'im going to die but I don't want too'. He sounded like a child and looked exasperated at the card he'd been given.

If he'd have retired the minute he was eligible he would have done all those things he'd planned. He was held back by fear.

I had a sudden panic through his circumstances. It felt like a movie but it was real life and it could happen to anyone. Why not me?

I felt I had to start being decisive and play the hand I'd been dealt asap.

I wanted kids and I wanted a steady and stable partner. Well in my bed was a steady and stable man. So what was I waiting for? I could get hit by a bus tomorrow or something entirely unprecedented could happen and I'd be sat kicking myself at this chance I'd been given.

Deep in grief, the flaws of DP didn't matter. Money was just money. Sex is shit but I wasn't feeling particularly horny in the midst of despair. We had nothing in common, but what's their to really talk about when your shut in house with no outside influence other than the TV. So he'd lied and deceived me, but nobodies perfect. Right?

I wanted solid and dependable and I've got it. Why wait when tomorrow isn't promised? My dad lived for tomorrow and got fucked for it and fucked hard. So fuck everything else.

Jut over 9 months after my dad passing, my first baby was born.

I'm not passing on accountability here, it was my choices. But my mind wasn't clear when making these choices. I love my babies with all my heart and do not regret them for a second. But I do regret the position im in now that could have easily been avoided by me, if that makes sense?
But that's my regret to live with, not theirs. So like I said, I need to be realistic with myself here. I will suck it up and I will stick this one out.