I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

If you see problems everywhere then you have to consider that you maybe the problem. And, there may not be a short-term or long-term solution. There may be no solution at all... not everyone is blessed with a great life.

The modern 'assumption' that we should all be entitled to such an existence...

Sorry, not true. At least you aren't surviving off of scrapping through litter, or, in a prison for political views etc etc...

Your old life has gone and isn't coming back. In my experience it's very rare to have it all in a partner. My relationship is with someone financially secure who is a great hands on Dad but does absolutely zero in terms of mental load or housework or cooking. I work part time since the kids but the resentment at the lack of lies in or cup of tea in bed or equal split in running the house is eating me up. You will trade what sounds like a very decent man for someone possibly exciting and great in bed but lazy, a cheat or with some sort of addiction or possibly someone with their own kids and you will find you need to navigate a blended family and the stresses that brings. I honestly get where you are coming from as I think I feel similar about my own partner but I'm just saying be very careful before throwing away a stable relationship with your children's father.

Having shared family values is very important. The sex can be worked on. The debts will go. Things might look different in future.

But he deserves someone who loves him. Work on yourself and you might be lucky enough to be that person. Don't and watch someone else be lucky.

I don't advocate for staying in an unhappy relationship, but I also get the sense this is about depression for you and potentially a reaction to your father passing sadly and traumatically. However, I could be wrong of course.

@Thirtylifecrisis I just want to share my story. Completely different circumstances but I feel compelled to post on reading your story… Bear with me! My exH left me when my DCs were 5 and 3, so they were very young. I look back now and I feel like I slept walk into marriage and children. A friend said to me the other day ‘children should be a choice, not a default’. And it struck a chord, I had my DCs because everyone had them. I didn’t think it through. Sounds feckless but I couldn’t even blame age as I was 30 when I got pregnant and it was planned. We had a second even though things were wobbly after the first, because if I had two kids, I wanted two close in age and with the same man. Yup, stupid is as stupid does!

My exH left for and eventually married his AP. And honestly, they are a much better match for each other. Do I want their (very privileged) lives? No, thank you, as they went on to have two more and I knew my two were more than enough.

When he left, I was working in a PT, dead end job. My exH’s career was on the rise. I got him to agree for us to stay in the marital home for two years while I sorted myself out. I went and got a full-time job with prospects. Don’t get me wrong, those first two years were the hardest I ever had in my life. Wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

But 11 years down the road, my two DCs are both in grammar school. We’ve had our challenges but both are doing well. I’ve worked my arse off and now in fairly envied type of job in quite a glamorous industry that I am enjoying. I’m not raking it in but I earn enough (with maintenance from their Dad) to have a fairly great life by most standards. I bought my own house 8 years ago and that single one act has been the most stabilising in my life. I dated on and off this whole time but there were plenty of periods I just did not want to date.

About a year ago, I met the loveliest man on a dating app. I’ll only date if they add to my life and my boyfriend just spent the loveliest weekend here with me, occasionally hanging with one DC but mostly doing our own thing as my DCs now prefer to go off on their own but I’m still needed to provide food and the occasional cash handout. He tried to have kids with an ex and it never happened for him. And he’s had to accept a life without DCs, which he would have quite liked to have.

Do I regret my children? You can’t regret a human life. But I am always honest if people ask that it’s one of the hardest things I’ve done. Would I choose the same path again if I had a choice? Probably not. But here we are and I also understand I speak from a position of privilege of having two healthy DCs. If I didn’t have them, would I have spent my life longing for the idea of them? I’ve had a great life and I try to look forward, not back. I’ve also accepted I have never been and never will be as maternal as others, and that’s fine. While my DCs know that while I love them to death and will always be here for them, when they turn 18, I want my chance to travel etc and I encourage them to go out into the world and live their lives.

I know for you, that sounds like a long way off but I wanted you to know that life can really turn out quite unexpectedly. Eleven years ago, I remember bawling my eyes out at the NHS therapist that I will never be able to afford my own place and what do I do? And look how far I’ve come. Take care, and always have hope. I think for me, out of some very difficult times, I’ve led a most wonderful life and I hope you will too.

@TwoBoysTooMany76 great post and funny username 😅 I think you are not alone in having kids just because everyone else does. A lot of people do it for that reason, it's just considered something you have to do by society. We really need to change that mentality!

It just dawned on me.
You were a laddette.
You dated like a man. Leaving a trail.
Had a home and Good money and enjoyed boozy weekends.
Lockdown hit you like it did lots of people and being coupled up meant you enjoyed the having someone to be with.
Now you have to grown up and become an adult your still wanting your old life.
But think about it, the dating pool has thinned out , really look at the man you have, your friends actually would jump on him if he was free. WHY? Well because by accident you got a homebody. How would you feel seeing him , do his best for someone else? Look at your friends husbands , are they as commited to family life?
Hopefully the having children has cured him of the debt part., and soon your life will improve money wise , that isn't a bad future.

Your partner sounds pretty amazing. I think long term you will regret leaving. The sex is shit because you're checked out it can't all be on him. Stop looking at how your life was and what you have now, 2 lovely kids a partner that dotes on all of you. in a year or so things will be looking so much better. You both need to communicate lay it all out and work on it. I doubt he has any idea this is how you feel. I'd also say it's quite normal to get to this point in life and start questioning if you're actually happy.

OP I feel for you but please just try and look at it this way some people live their whole lives and never experience 5 minutes of the life you described when you were single. It was headonistic, exciting and full of fun.
However that lifestyle couldn't and wouldn't have lasted forever, friends move on, people settle down and a carefree life of no strings attached sex is great when you are in your twenties and thirties but time and circumstances change.
I had a period in my life as you describe and it was fabulous and I am very grateful to have had it but would I want it now, absolutely not.
Now I want a relationship, someone I can depend on when the going gets tough and someone to grow old with.
Whether or not your current partner is that person remains to be seen but I would give yourself 6 months to think about it and see how you feel.
It sounds like your partner might be a little bit in awe of you and trying very hard to make up for his failings. Kind, solid and dependable are great qualities but they don't make up for lack of a sex life but penetrative sex isn't the only way to enjoy sex
I hope you can sort out how you feel, I would suggest some counselling might help.
I wish you well.

Thank you for saying this!! Couldn't agree more. Can't believe all the virtual hand-patting and tut-tutting that is being expressed for OP, as if she was stood up by a prom date rather than having willfully decided to produce TWO children with a man she doesn't love! (Meanwhile, in another MN thread, someone is getting raked over the coals for saying she doesn't want to have to smell shitty baby nappies in the hallway of a hotel she's staying at. You people are nuts.)

Sorry OP, but you f^cked around and found out, didn't you? Just drifting through your party life until all of a sudden you have a partner and two kids, like, seemingly out of nowhere! Wow! How'd that happen? You are lucky you live in a country that offers easy access to contraception and abortion, yet somehow you missed on both these options and managed to have not one but TWO children with a man that you not only do not love but who apparently is barely capable of performing the act that produced those two kids. What are the chances? Could you being irresponsible and chasing rainbows possibly have anything to do with all this? Oh, but now your life is RUINED <<sob>> and you want to drag your unwitting partner and innocent children down with you. GROW UP.

Yes, it sucks that your partner lied about his finances, but why did you have him move in with you when he was just supposed to be a "couple of dates" kind of guy? And, further, why did you have kids with him?? Perhaps the finances stuff would have become more apparent if he had been true relationship material for you in the first place and you were more invested in getting to know him. He lied, but you essentially lied too, acting as if you wanted to build a life with him. As for the "COVID bubble"--yep, we all lived through it, but nope, we didn't all make crazy, life-altering decisions that we would later regret, just because our day-to-day was upended for a bit.

I know I sound harsh, and I'll get plenty of blowback from other commenters (unity with shitty nappy lady!), but I'm just shocked by the number of people who are responding to this like none of it is your fault, and as if your poor partner is some sort of evil villain, and that it's ok to just bail on a family you've constructed because you want to be out partying and flitting about town. So, yeah, you've made your bed, and I'd say for the stability of your kids (knowing that your partner is an excellent dad), you should lie in it. But I also feel like your DP deserves to be with someone who loves him, so maybe you stick it out for now, until his debts are cleared, and then work and plan with him to amicably separate. That would be the grown up thing to do. (And, yes, our 20s are fun and footloose, but we can't go back to them, no matter what our life circumstances are.)

You have written about how you’re feeling eloquently.
you have been through such a lot in a relatively short time.
other posters have sound advice..
it’s very early days….
just take a breath…
look at it this way… right now, you have a partner who is a great father and partner, the shared care you both do while living together is spectacular! . He clearly cares for you and the children, he’s a great dad and partner to you.
Lets just park that for a minute.
how much do you really need to ‘be in love ‘ right now?
you have Bigger things to think about.
why not allow your self this time to settle into the situation your in right now…. Which already is intense enough.
New mum, of two this time. Working. You have a fantastic partner who actually adores you.. and is a great Dad.
For the time being, your going to have to put your desires to ‘feel sexually attracted to’ some one else on the back burner for a bit.
Because doing this with out him is going t be a hell of a lot harder for all of you.
Put you big girl pants on and just cut yourself some slack. Honestly, do you really have time to be sexually interested and invested in finding another man right now!
you have a long life ahead of you, to live an interesting life. But right now….. girl, just slow down! What happens,, it’s just life. It’s more about your situation… but it could be so much worse.
change the way you look at the situation. You have a partner in crime with out the sex right now. That’s actually ok.
take lovers discretely if you must, but for your sanity and the harmony of your current family,, and yourself, just chill for a while. Things have a way of working themselves out. He may find someone else. Especially if he is taking on more of the parenting roles. For you, there are the socials for hook ups if you need them right now.
The partnership right now could work for a while…til you give yourself sometime.
Good luck

Did biology take over my mind?
I think that's happened to me tbh, or maybe that's just an excuse for the various crazy things I did!

Maybe he has ed because he feels inadequate because of his financial situation,plus he lost his job,another major confidence blow.Hes doing everything he can to help and be a good parent,which you acknowledge.
the first few years of having children are sheer hard work I found, not much fun, not many laughs and no time to enjoy just being yourself.
He sounds like a decent guy and certainly not a cocklodger,maybe anxious you see him as one,therefore poor functioning.He needs his confidence to improve and then you might find you go enjoy being with him
Id also like to bet you’re both bloody knackered,children under 5 when properly looked after are emotionally draining with little left for anyone else.Take time over your decision and the best of luck whatever you decide.

I think this. Work on improving income so you can have nights out and holidays.

Plan a child free holiday with your friends? Enjoy a week in Ibiza doing the whole party thing . You might suprise yourself and not love it as much as you expected.

Do you have friends who are going out without you? Can you join them once a month or so?

I think perhaps you two could have a date night, to see if he feels the same? And to cement your feelings?

How does your DP feel about your relationship? My initial thought was could you have what some might call a soft divorce? I.e. you continue to live and exist in the same house looking after the kids and going through the day-to-day drudgery of working and housework and all the rest of it, but you actually lead separate lives giving you the freedom to see other people if you both so wish? I know that sounds crass but it works for some and might help you with the financial situation and the burden of guilt you would feel if you left your DP knowing he couldn’t fend for himself? Equally, you would both be happier people and they knock on effect would be that the kids were also happy as they would have both parents with them under the same roof.

I must be reading a different thread to everyone else.

He doesn't sound like an amazing guy at all. Looking after your own children and home is bare minimum, basic adulting. Women everywhere do this all the time, but they don't get a fanfare. Yet here's a whole thread of people swooning over the face that a man can run a hoover round and book a dentist appointment. The bar is indeed low.

And lucky for him that it is. Because it's all a distraction from the many red flags he is waving. He sounds like someone who saw the OP coming. While she was nursing her dying father and then grieving his death during Covid, he took advantage of the situation and sidled his deceptive, broke, erectile dysfunctional, feet under her table.

The previous 'laddette' lifestyle is a red herring here. The context for all of her decisions around starting a family with this man was the raw grief and trauma of her father's death.

I imagine this is the first time since the fog of grief started to lift that OP is realising just how blind sided she's been by him.

Have you considered coparenting in the same house? You’re not really in a romantic relationship as you don’t have sex / cuddle / kiss as you said. Could you say you need those things but he’s an amazing dad and you like him as a person, keep living together but as parents? I know people who did this and their partners then moved in and they had more kids all in the same house. Does he love you?

I haven’t read the whole thread but I read your responses and I think you are making the right decision by staying.

I think as parents, the loss of freedom comes as a shock even to those of us who thought we were prepared for it. My situation is a little different from yours, but I had my twin boys in lockdown. Before having them I travelled, had an amazing job, hobbies, busy social life etc. I got furloughed during lockdown and my “old life” came to an abrupt end. My job role changed when I tried to go back, I had a huge falling out and ended up quitting. Two babies meant travelling, hobbies and social life didn’t happen again for a long time. I felt like the world opened up again and I was still in lockdown. I was too exhausted to notice at first. Then one day I was walking my dog alone and this wave of grief hit me all at once as I realised life was literally never going to be the same again. I didn’t recognise myself anymore. I am someone who very much actively chose this life (although the second baby was obviously a shock!) and I thought I was prepared but it still floored me.
I went through a sort of grieving process for a while. But then I came to the decision to embrace this new life as best I could. And as the kids have got older, I’ve picked up old hobbies again. I have a new job where I actually look forward to going to work again. Our finances have improved and we have managed little trips here and there. You are still in the thick of it with your youngest, but it does get better.

I came to realise that life is full of seasons, and the last season was great… but it was never meant to last. And of course, some people never get to experience travel etc, so I started practicing gratitude that I got to experience those things at all.

You are allowed to grieve your last season. But don’t let your grief cloud all of the very wonderful things about this one. There is a lot of beauty to be found in (admittedly often mundane) family life.

Whilst usually I wouldn’t advocate staying in an unhappy relationship, it does sound like you’d all be worse off if you were apart. As you don’t describe and abuse or volatile behaviour, I think the decision to stick it out and doing your best to make it work is the correct one. Your kids have a stable and safe home… that needs to come above your desires for a more exciting life for now.

Hello,

I just want to start by saying that you really have my sympathies on how you’re feeling. It can’t be easy. You must feel awful to be feeling this way. It’s really not your fault.

I really do think you need to take a step back and look at the situation as a whole.

as you’ve said, you’ve spent your early adult years being completely carefree and travelling and had no ties. Obviously these times in our lives are very fun (so I hear, I had my first child at 20 in an abusive relationship so I’m waiting for My carefree days in my 40’s 😂)

lockdown happened. This was absolutely hard on everybody. It was probably the main cause of mental health issues and people are still suffering now. It was truely awful that you had to watch your father die whilst being so isolated during covid with all the restrictions.
not only that but you were forced into staying at home when you love being socialable and travelling etc.

now obviously you were dating this man pre lock down. You must have had somethings in common initially? Have a think about what attracted you to him in the first place? You must have found things to talk about initially?

obviously debt is never great. I know he hid it from you. However sometimes people are deeply ashamed of debt. It’s really embarrassing. I’m glad he’s taken steps to take control. That’s really good and In a couple of years you can put that behind you.

lets move on to the erectile dysfunction. I can completely see how problematic this can be and the impact it can have on couples and their sex life. I’m assuming the viagra works? As you’ve gone on to have 2 children. Is it just the erectile dysfunction that is making you think you have a poor sex life or is he just generally bad in bed? Have you ever discussed what you would like from your sex life or how you like things? Would that help? Don’t forget, this issue is extremely stressful for him too and I imagine it probably makes him feel a bit insecure at times.
things like this can happen to all of us later down the line. Even us women. When we go through the menopause we could suffer from vaginal dryness, prolapses etc. But with support from our partners it’s something we can face together.

From what you’ve said your partner sounds like a decent man. I’m not discounting your feelings at all. But he shows up every day to try and be the best partner/ dad he can be. He’s so hands on. It’s actually really nice to read.

Do you find him physically attractive? I know you say you have nothing in common. Are you sure? Sometimes in relationships we don’t talk for hours on end with our partner and sometimes our discussions are just about work and children.

do you have any hobbies you could go and do? Or maybe see your friends more? Or maybe some date days/nights with your partner to go and do something fun?

sometimes when we are stuck at home ‘parenting and working’ it over takes our life a little bit.

potentially I think that you’ve been thrown into a family life and it’s a strike contrast to what you’ve been used too previously.

I think before making any drastic decisions you need to try and clear your head. Make sure you haven’t got any underlying health problems contributing to you feeling this way and see how you feel. I went through a big blip once and I had some bloods done and it was my thyroid. I went on higher dose and it eased off.

unfortunately relationships aren’t this one big fairytale where you talk for hours and want to rip each others clothes off. That’s a fleeting moment in a relationship. A relationship is support, trust and sticking together.

also having children IS stressful. Some days I’m pulling my hair out and crying.

i really hope you find the answers you need. Obviously if you truely come to the conclusion your partner is the problem then leave. Just look at all possible angles first. Just remember it’s not easy being a mum. But your doing just great 😊 x

I’d stick with it if I were you . There’s more to life than sex, and a good and steady man is hard to come by, and goes an awfully long way to helping in life. You have two young children, you chose to have them both with this man, so at least give it more time. Relationships aren’t all ‘ if they go south I just move on’.’ They need work . They ebb and flow, some good things , some bad things, and it’s never easy. Find friends to do things with, just because you have children that doesn’t have to stop . Do stuff together as a family. Find something that you enjoy together , but work at it , because it sounds to me to be a good relationship that you could very much regret destroying .

.

I don't know if this is any help to you but a work colleague's daughter was in a similar situation. Finally got up the nerve to tell him she was not happy and found he agreed! She was the main breadwinner and with help from parents bought a two bed home for her and their only child. However she really missed ex's help as working ft a single parent is hard! A year later the house next door came up for rent and he moved in. Now they share child care and as friends their relationship is great. He is dating again and she is not but both are happy. SO - it can work out!

I've only just seen this thread so I'm sorry if this has been suggested or it's already being tried but has your partner had his testosterone levels tested? My dp takes testosterone and it works wonders, not only for the obvious reasons but also energy levels and overall wellbeing.
I hope you find some peace. It's hard not to grieve for the carefree version of ourselves. The stage your children are at is relentless. Lovely but relentless. It does get easier in some ways as they get older.
Also, my DDad died from pancreatic cancer during covid. I get the trauma. It's hard enough for anyone at anytime but add covid restrictions/clinically vulnerable and all that into the mix it was a double whammy. Be kind to yourself. Life is hard 💐

“could he be the resident parent, on paper at least, and claim UC and benefits ”
are you seriously suggesting OP should commit benefit fraud? FGS.

Do you love him? Are you in love with him, or love him like a friend or because he's the dad of your dc? My first thought was pnd, exhaustion and grieving over the loss of the freedom of single life. But I'm wondering how you really feel about him. Been with my dh over 20 years, now more like best friends than h&w, but I love him deeply and wouldn't want to be without him. Ever. So, do you love him? If so, hold on and ride the storm. Xx