I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

@Thirtylifecrisis many of us make this decision to have children when our hormones are raging and we think now or never to ourselves. It isn't something you should have to justify. 🙏

I wonder if the debt issue was resolved and the sex was transformed somehow, might that change things and see you through until the kids are a bit older. If husband is willing to work on these things and always trying to work on it, that's a great sign to me. Unless you're repulsed physically which is difficult to overcome; and not your fault.

OP that really explains a lot of why you are feeling maybe a bit numb - and shellshocked - between the lockdown - the two babies in quick succession and the tragic illness and death of your Dad - the terrible grief of that- you’ll be still reeling. So maybe avoid making any major decisions for a while and keep going. It will get a bit easier as they get older.

OP - do you have anyone in your life that can give you a hug right now? I think that's what you need. A good vent and a hug.

Aww op, your last post hit me hard because I went through a very similar thing last year. Two family members died within a month of each causing depression, few minor traumatic things ended up happening at the same time, which caused me to hyper fixate on the guy I was causally dating, I convinced myself I really liked him to distract myself from the pit of depression.

He dumped me and the next day I had a breakdown, hooked up with a dependable friend who liked me, two days later I moved in with this friend and we were together. I just completely lost it.

The whole relationship was a disaster and I could have been the one opening this thread, but eventually I came to my senses and ended it. No kids involved! So yeah, if it makes you feel better, you are no alone, I completely understand how you ended up here.

I really think you should get some therapy, it's not a magical solution, but it will help you process your feelings.

I would put your kids first & stay with him if you are able to. He sounds like a good man & they don't come along like buses. Try to count your blessings, make sure you're getting enough rest etc & hormones are balanced & try to make a happy situation.
It's nice to think you could leave him & have a fairy tale romance with a guy who is also a great step dad etc but really that's not guaranteed x

OP. The question now is still whether you would be happier co parenting with DP, but not together in a relationship. He doesn't sound like someone who will disappear if you split, and will still be 50:50. Do you think it would be possible to get to a place of friendship with him after a split? I'm not sure you should stay with him given that you seem to realise that the relationship was a mistake. Your kids were no mistake, but will you become resentful pretending over time. Ten years will pass in a blink, and you might be mid life and bitter if you don't rip off the band aid.

Have you heard of limerance at all? It sounds like your previous relationship could have been so worth reading into.

Also, I don’t know if you’ve seen sex/life on Netflix, she makes some poor choices and of course as it’s tv it all works out in the end but you might find it interesting as deals with similar themes.

You know, I dont even think you probably know your DP that well in a weird way. You dont sound like you have had a chance to date, go on holidays, have fun - you had kids pretty much straight away.
you are at the hardest part having two very young children. It’s really gruelling and time consuming when they are so young.
Stop being so hard on yourself. Money doesn’t buy you happiness- it just makes life easier.
take the pressure off the sex life, with him. Find out if he has had this problem before, explore other sensual things that may gently satisfy.
you could have chosen someone who is fantastic in bed, has loads of money but is a lazy twat with the kids. I am telling you now, you would resent this kind of person more.
just explore with DP and enjoy the ride, get on some dates, go to concerts, listen and dance to music while hugging one of your kids each, just get silly together, relax, enjoy, stop panicking x

OP the issue with asking for advice on a forum like this is that many women giving you the advice have settled themselves.

You’ll get more people telling you to stay in an unhappy relationship because that’s what they themselves are doing so they will only give you advice based on their life choices and to almost justify their own decisions. I do think it’s best to stay whilst the children are young but if you aren’t compatible then no time will change that. In fact time will make that more obvious - especially once your children are older.

Yes people change in relationships, priorities change, looks fade, the fun care free life changes to soft play, kids clubs and early nights but the fundamental things that keeps people together throughout all of that is compatibility and connection. Intimacy isn’t just sexual, it’s emotional and needed for any relationship to survive. Intellectual stimulation, laughter, to understand each other on a deeper level and just plain old friendship is needed to be happy with someone long term. Life isn’t black or white so there will consequences to leaving and consequences to staying and ignoring how you truly feel. Suppressing our emotions can even lead to health issues in the long run. The grass might not always be greener on the other side but I bloody admire women brave enough to stop living a life they aren’t happy in and at least try and find happiness for themselves.

Such good advice.

My story has become so protracted and personal that I will DM you OP

@ZebraD in all honesty I'd take the guy that was amazing in the sack and gave me goosebumps who I wanted to stay up all night talking to, over the guy who was a hands on dad. One day those kids will be gone and all you'll have is Mr Shit in bed and no conversation, no spark, no common interests. Do you really want to retire with this man, OP?

I agree with this. And will go so far to suggest I'm not sure we are really intended to only be with one person forever. I personally also admire people who do stay in a non-abusive but perhaps not satisfying relationship for the sake of their children as I do think it matters to the children too and they are the choices we all make, but there's no reason to be with this person forever.

I couldn't imagine how your DP would feel if he read this thread.

I also have come to agree with the idea that one partner for life may not work for everyone.

I am in my 60s have been wth my OH for 25 years and the diistance is increasing.
It is sad, but it is me who is mostly creating the distance.
While never a major love affair ( at least not for me) we enjoyed each other's company.
He loves to cook, drink wine at weekends, works hard, does a lot of housework.
A typical Saturday evening he would make some mezze, we would sit and talk, drink wine, laugh, watch the sun go down-it was fun.

But the past few years I have started to change. I am going through an awakening of sorts, ironing out some MH issues, and found myself changing the way I live and my priorites.
I work FT ( my own small business) from home, but take a yoga class every day, have given up alcohol and eat mostly plant based food.
I attend several spiritual groups, workshops, women's circles, and work towards living an authentic life.
But I can see the dstance it has created between us. I find his tipsy conversation silly, I am aware of his unhealthy diet, I don't find him attractive. It is me who is moving apart- he is staying stiill.

But what do we do? He has changed his role at work so he is away for several nights a week- and that suits me fine.

We don't have blazing rows but neither do we communicate at a deep level.

We have a lovely home in a good area that we both love, if we split neither of us could afford such a place.
I have no interest in finding another partner, but solo living appeals.
So we just carry on, the gap between us widening with every month that passes.
I don't know what the future will bring. Right now it is acceptable, if sad.

@speakout I think you have a good point about one life partner. In 1901 average life expectancy was around 45 for men and 49 for women. Even if they got married at the legal age (until 1929) of 14 for a boy and 12 for a girl this is still only a maximum average of around 31years and 37 years that they could be married. Now people are living until an average of 78.8 for males and 82.8 for females. That's a hell of a lot of years more to be with the same person for life!

@speakout my feeling is that a 'partner for life', is unlikely to be to the mutual benefit of both partners.
In the old days where the man had most of the power the woman would tend to adjust herself so that she aligned with him, thereby losing some of herself.
Now that women have greater opportunity to be economically independent of men they don't have to subordinate themselves to men. This means that instead of investing her efforts in his development she can invest in herself and become fully herself.

I think a lot of people have kids bc they think they have to, not because they want to, and they don't realize how much life will change afterwards. My husband was one of these people, he always just assumed he would have kids but when we met I told him I didn't want them under any circumstances. Now he constantly says how happy he is that we didn't have kids and how miserable life would have been with them, not that that shouldn't have been obvious considering how miserable every person we know with kids is.

Anyway, I agree with a lot of the posters here that it seems what you really dislike most is your relationship but it also seems like maybe having kids wasn't for you. Not that you can do much about that now but I think things would def be different if you were with someone you wanted to be with so maybe start there?

Well, firstly, nobody embarks on having children knowing how much life will change afterwards. And sorry but if you don't have children, with respect you don't know that either. Neither does your husband. He might have loved to be a dad but he has adjusted his perspective to fit with yours. I guess he didn't want kids all that much.

As for, "considering how miserable every person we know with kids is" - well all I can say is that you must have a very limited circle! Anyone I know who is miserable is so because of their relationship, not their children!

Glad for you that you are both happy with your choice but omg it's a bizarre way of justifying yourselves!

I just want to say, I made lots of rash decisions in covid. I too now have a son that I adore. He was born after Covid but still a result of all my covid decisions. My husband is wonderful but there’s lots of things that I didn’t think through. Those were my choices, and since both my son and my husband are the most important thing in the world, I’m going to not make impulsive decisions based on ‘what I want’ which seems to be the selfish norm of today. Young children is a hard season, it’s the season where you put yourself last. It will get better, you will have fun again. I will too. You’ve got this.

Kinda agree with this, once you have kids, unless you’re extremely uncaring , it’s really not about you anymore for a while/few years, you’ve got something more meaningful and important to focus on, bringing up the next generation. think how gutted you’d be if you’d not had children? You’ve had your years of fun, time to be less shallow and put yourself on the back burner for a while. I felt a bit like this when I’d just had 2 kids (mild PND) so hopefully it’s just that in your case, and I had a not such supportive husband as it seems you have, so you’re lucky in that respect. Do not underestimate how much children benefit from having both parents in a stable home when growing up and how disruptive it is “commuting” between parents who have split. I know it’s not popular to say this but so many children have told me this when they’re parents haven’t really even considered how it is for them. If there is abuse or danger of course that is a different matter but to split som dramatically just because you’re not “feeling it” to break up the family home (as that’s what it is!) seems rather petty especially at this critical stage. Also do not underestimate how difficult and draining it is managing on your own without a partner/parent at home to share parenting/do housework/ manage logistics etc Do you even have any support network to help fill that gap? Plus dating and trying to live a carefree life with young children in the mix ? No walk in the park if that’s even possible that’s for sure. Just because the grass looks greener on the other side, doesn’t mean it is.

Are you being wooed by your spiritual group/ cult? It sounds like you have a pretty good and happy situation at home. So what if he eats unhealthier food than you?

Justifying ourselves? What do you we have to justify ourselves for? Kids are horrible and this entire platform is dedicated to women who want to complain about how much their lives suck thanks to having kids so yeah, people with kids are miserable. And no, the people who we know are not miserable in their relationship, they lost their relationship thanks to kids, but they would have been much happier had they not had kids, just like we are. Oh what with all of that free time, disposable income, ability to go on holiday whenever and wherever we want, lack of financial worry, etc etc it's really the pitts. 🙄🙄

@mumedu

oh cos a woman can’t possibly grow and change of her own accord can she, she must be under the influence of some ‘cult’.
Yeah, nah.

My god, I must have been the one of the luckiest women on the planet! Married 54 years until my husband died. He was absolutely great in all ways. I am sorry so many people don’t seem to have this.

@UnfriendMe
You sound angry and bitter.