I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

Single mum life is really tough alot of the time. I also know that my son is at a much greater likelihood of having issues when he's an adult. My situation is different as I have health issues. I think if you were to separate and date again, the impact on kids is really huge. I grew up with this as my dad passed away. It was horrible and the guys weren't particularly ' bad' men.

So it basically is sometimes a case of sacrifice yourself for the best outcomes for kids or sacrifice the best outcome for the kids for your own wellbeing. On the other hand, my own counsellor says a mothers happiness is paramount to kids wellbeing.

There's no easy answer. He sounds a great guy from a family perspective and he is contributing a great deal. If you are not physically repulsed by him then I'd say there's room for this to work. It will probably never be the dream life, but being single dating with kids when older just sounds so grim to me - and something I just couldn't face again as a single mum ( even if I didn't have health challenges).

I hope things work out for all of you whatever happens.

@Doubledenim305

”Happiness is found in found in loving and serving others”

is it?? Women have been told this decades and decades but is it really??

He sounds wonderful lol. I think if you went back to your old life it wouldn't be the same because your life isn't the same anymore and neither are you. I would hold fire until your youngest is a bit older. A lot has happened to you in such a short space of time. The death of your father, 2 kids, covid, moving in with someone, moving house....that's a lot. Just breathe for now, find yourself a counsellor for you to work through things and don't make any rash decisions. I understand what you are saying about the shit sex life and nothing in common but maybe with time you could fix the sex life and find some common ground with a shared hobby you have yet to discover. Thoughtfulness can't be taught, you either have it or you don't and the fact he's constantly thinking about you and the kids and preparing bottles and things for you to come down to is such a lovely quality to have and a rare one also. Let the dust settle with the kids, it's an intense time when they are so young and in the background work though all the big life events that have happened to you before you make a decision about your relationship. You have been through a lot and you are only 6 months postpartum. Big hugs x

I know someone in a similar situation and she just shags a guy she has great chemistry with now and again and goes back to her family. Scratches that itch and doesn't rock the boat.

Controversial opinion here but have you considered an open relationship or couple swapping? It has some stigma attached to it but there’s nothing like it for injecting some spice into your sex life - and reigniting the flame in your relationship. And it gives you something in common to share and talk about! I talk from experience as I know how soul destroying a sexless marriage can be. Makes you feel young again and is truly reinvigorating, whilst being open and honest with your partner. The best of both worlds. Not for everyone but definitely works for some couples who need to find a new spark!
Worst case scenario is it cements your desire to separate but best case is you find a new passion with your husband (who sounds perfect in every other regard) and you keep your family together.

I think you sound depressed. It's worth considering before you press the ejector seat on your life.

You're also overwhelmed, bored, frustrated amdvpeed off. It's very hard to find a partner attractive amidst a sea of nappies and domestic drudgery.

If it were me, I'd start some therapy to see if there is any negative mood going on. If your dp is as good with the kids as you say, it may be that despite the lack of spark, your life will be better with him than without.

The best advice my dad gave to me was "Marriage isn't all hearts and flowers flying round the room. It's a commitment to bring up children together."

This kept me with my husband during tough times, and now my kids are older and less intensive, we connect again really well.

Also you can grow together. We've variously done joint hobbies together as well as our own.

I'm so glad we stayed together, and now our finances are much better as a pair than they would be if we'd broken up our family.

I'm not saying "at all costs", but I think a bit of grinning and bearing it was worth it in the long term.

I really hope it gets better for you. 🤞

Look, you could have found a man that you would have been satisfied with sexually, emotionally, physically, financially, but he might have not do his share as a father as most men that bring good $ on the table are actually too busy to be that much involved with the little ones. From another side, look around you: most marriages/relationships nowadays end up/struggle after a decade or sooner: this could have happened with Mr. Perfect as well. There is the Honeymoon Period and then there is the reality which usually hits after having children together. How many millions $ marriages have ended after a decade or so and they all thought this is it, the ultimate partner. The truth is, even with the ideal guy of your dreams, when reality hits, especially when little ones come along, relationships are put on test. And some don’t make it. Sex might have been best but other things are missing. Me and my husband had big love, for years, over a decade, but once our little one came along, it forced us to change, to become parents which required a lot of maturity and sacrifice. Also felt like we were just roommates for a while .. We are both very changed. And I don’t think there is going back. Very often, too tired to have sex.

Similar to you I had lots of fun, different guys, friends, all throughout my 20’. Very often I see a group of young friends passing by me when on a walk just going out having fun, I miss those days. But with age eventually you hit a point when you realize you gotta settle because nothing last forever.
I know how it feels like, you are stuck and suffocating. I’ve felt it. I would strongly advise to stay until little ones get bigger. Keep going on therapy/counseling and if you are not that satisfied change the therapist. Be always honest with the therapist. Don’t leave with the expression of things got resolved. Just say it as you feel it. I would also consider individual therapy.

Others have suggested, having a night out of home, a little taste of your old life. If your partner agrees, why not? Sometimes we need some time apart to come to some realizations and make decisions.
But I promise you this: with this or another guy, serious relationships (like in one when you live together and especially when you have children together), which is like a marriage without the technically of it, there is a need of a lot of work throughout the years for it to actually persevere. Marriages go through many changes because people change throughout life, and there is a need of a lot of adjustment and sacrifice with a compromise on both sides. It’s not easy and most marriages/serious relationships go through this. Perhaps in a few years when little ones are bigger and more independent, you will feel better, have more freedom and who knows, you might even change your mind about your partner.
I am also a Christian so looking to things from Christian Perspective is very different compared to the worldly ways. There is selfless vs selfish, there is sacrificing for others/loved ones vs doing things for me first. But this is personal, and I only mentioned it because this is what I find helps me make the correct decisions when life hits hardest.
I hope you feel better soon and I hope you find peace and satisfaction. It’s not easy, maybe try to look into the little things/blessings in life that you have and most people in the world don’t. Appreciating the little things which we are all guilty of forgetting to do so too often because of focusing on what’s missing instead, will help you feel good about so much that you have, and it sounds like you have in abundance. It will never be perfect cause no-one has a perfect life but it’s good to sometimes look into the less fortunate then ourselves and just be thankful for the good things in life.

I’d suggest reading some self help books to get you looking on the brighter side of life - you sound depressed. And start practicing gratitude daily it’s really quite helpful. What I’d give to have your man… sorry you feel this way atm, it will get better 💗

@Thirtylifecrisis can I ask you - why did you have not just one, but two babies with this man, feeling as you do?

I think people are missing two quite significant points.

1. He lied by omission about his debt. That is not a small thing. How far into the relationship did you find out? Was he already living with you? How was it resolved?

1. Covid hit and then you nursed your dad to his death from an aggressive cancer. That's a lot of trauma. I wonder, did the hidden debt issue get put to one side while you were grieving your father and leaning on your DP to help you get through it?

Although he sounds like an amazing dad on paper, he was disingenuous in getting his feet under your table and then it sounds like he 'nice guyed' his way further into your life when you were at your absolute lowest.

Perhaps the ambivalence you feel towards him is down to this slow dawning realisation?

It also sounds like before you met him, you had a very avoidant attachment style, which might be rooted in an emotionally insecure childhood. It could be a good idea for you to get individual counselling to unpick all of the above in your own space.

In a long marriage, we are going 20 plus so far (touch wood) thinsg do ebb and flow. I got fat and not as attractive. I'm not the perky 21 year old with the amazing tit's. He got tubby and wrinkly but he has the most amazing eyes. We had tough times and you focus on one thing you can find attractive the qualities you can really love.

I love he makes me a coffee without being asked, or picks up my favourite chocolates - I'm in his thoughts and love him for all the small things he does.

Sex doesn't have to be penetrative all the time. Tell dh what you want and what you like. We made sex appointments when kids were little as its easy to let things slide when it isn't easy.

How old are you? Are you in your forties now?

Can I recommend the book Out of Time by Miranda Sawyer?

If it doesn't speak to you, then maybe address the question of your choice of partner again. But the could just be the classic mid life wobble. It IS dull compared to youth in many ways, but is has its rewards too

I have reached my limit now in reading about an open relationship - I don’t know anyone who would be up for that and personally would not find that a happy, content life. Just grim actually. Who are you people who keep saying this 🥴

Don’t know if you’ll read this OP as you’ve had so many responses. Forgive me if this sounds blunt and I don’t want to minimise your feelings, but I just think if you left DP I can imagine you’d enter into a string of shit relationships with good sex and not much else and regret losing what you had with a safe man. And that would affect your DC too if you were bringing different men into their lives. Meanwhile I bet your DP would enter into a relationship with a woman who loved and appreciated him and you’d be even more sorry at what you’d lost while he would be playing happy families with her and your DC

Just think about that. And honestly I feel like at some point you’re going to have your head turned and have an affair because you’ve decided you’re unhappy, but that would no doubt result in what I’ve described above and everyone would end up hurt.

i really hope you can find happiness in your current life.

All the reasons for staying are ‘logical’ decisions. It won’t work in the long run.

you need to really take some time to work out who you are now (it won’t be a case of going back to your old life) and what you want. I don’t think it’s this guy. And it’s kinder to him to let him be with someone who loves him. Rather than keeping him because it’s easier for you practically.

the kids will adapt. You were a bit of a passenger in your own life and now you’re feeling the consequences. Understandable given what you went through but now you get to decide how you want your life to be.

Leave him. He's a loser. He lied to you, and if he's that bad with money he'll run up new debts once the current debts are paid off, so you'll be better off financially without him however much he earns. You'll never have a normal sex life with him, because a) he's impotent and b) no way could you fancy him after the way he lied and then exploited your grief to move into your home. I realise that he has his good points, but it's not enough. If you're young, a homeowner and still relatively solvent, you'll be a catch for the right man, even as a single parent. Ex DP can still see the DC at weekends. Don't martyr yourself for an impotent spendthrift liar, there are better men out there!

Honestly are you really sure it's the man and not the stage of life?? I am not saying it is, but apart from the not cuddling, most of what you are saying sounds like my life with a young baby. You both sound like you are exhausted and life revolves round the kids, and to be perfectly frank I can't imagine life could be any other way with two little ones.

😂😂😂
Happiness is being child free, ideally single
or at least not living together with a man, having your own space, time and energy for your only one unique and short life, cleanliness and privacy.
Seeing others and giving "bits" of yourself only when YOU want to.
Your own seasons of the year, birthdays etc.
That is happiness.

Loads of people are no doubt in this position.

Family and kids is for mugs unfortunately...

OP I was in your situation and I did leave my husband. I can only tell you honestly how I feel now. Even though we had little in common and even him just talking seemed to irritate me, I wish with all my heart I’d never left him. They were the happiest days of my life.

Agreed. I’m single and child free and my life is the most peaceful it’s ever been. Not online dating. Nothing.
I occasionally think it might be nice to have a relationship and then I realise I probably want the idealised version rather than the reality which is my experience has only ever been men taking thing from me. My time. My energy. My health. My peace. My emotional wellbeing.

it would be nice if that weren’t the case but there we are.

There are a lot of positive things that are being described. The partner sounds like a nice person who does a reasonable amount of housework. The children sound nice also.

There isn't as much adventure as before, but isn't that a normal part of anchoring down and starting a family? And personally, I've found that as I get older, I prefer mundanity over adventure.

You say that, but I bet if I downloaded a dating app, there wouldn't be a single woman on there who wants to live separately from her partner.

I don't know....
I don't have all these aspects of life yet,
but if some nasty illness doesn't get me first,
one day I will.
Bet the separate living is a dream of many. 😁

I’d stick it out until 2027 personally. Give him a year of having no debts to pay off to build up some savings of his own for a deposit/ rental deposit. I’d try and get as many promotions/ pay rises as you can in the next few years to build up a bit of a buffer for yourself once you’ve separated.

I wouldn’t stay in this relationship long term unless things dramatically improved, but I definitely wouldn’t be separating until after he’s paid his debts off. If nothing else, it wouldn’t be fair on your children to have to visit daddy in a house share IMO.

I feel really sorry for you all tbh, neither you or him will want to only see your kids 50% of the week, and your kids obviously love and have a good bond with their dad. But I totally get the living in a loveless relationship thing. I think sticking it out for the next 2-3 years is probably the best option.

Good luck.