I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

Considering your husband was your rock in your low time amd is a decent person, you should tell him that you want to separate, so he can make a plan and not be homeless. Once you separate, you can maintain a good co parenting relationship with yoyr husband being the resident parent. Then you can go back to your serial dating life and freedom to spend time with friends the way you want.

You don’t sound enthusiastic about returning to work, but from what you say about your 20s, you enjoyed everything in your life, including work.
I wonder if you will find yourself again and view life from a different perspective when you’re back in (part of) your old life. Interacting with colleagues, lunching with friends, earning enough for evenings out (and maybe weekend breaks) with them too.
You’ll either decide you want your whole life to go back to the way it was (including singledom and dating) or you’ll feel you’ve outgrown that life and be more contented with your current domestic situation.
Btw, have you had to give up your car? If funds can stretch to it, a little, second-hand runaround would give you back some precious independence.

Is it a dream though? Her husband is a great do 'er' that is obvious. What about the friendship and connection element. Touch, emotional connection and so on. You adore your husband? Do you really? Or is it that you appreciate his qualities relating to service and the things he does which is very admirable and not a trait every man has. If you adore him, working through this will be a whole lot easier. I feel for you op. I have spent a long time thinking about all of this. The more time passes, the more I realise that whilst I gain a lot financially and practically, I'm trading the emotional and physical side of things. My relationship looked very different to me in my 20's as did I. Fast forward 20+ years and things have changed and so have I. Interesting to read very mixed opinions. Underlines why making the final decision (even though I'm sure I've reached it after a number of years consideration) is proving so difficult. Also with dc in the mix. I still wouldn't do anything in a hurry op, I do think you need to let things stabalise and think about things (counselling is a good idea) especially with such young children and especially if you don't have a lot of support in real life.

You can also use this time as a platform to regain some of your life - social network, hobbies and interests, career if you so wish and so on.

You seem very self aware and like you’ve come to a sensible conclusion. It’s been interesting to hear your thought process, I’m glad it’s been helpful for you to share. Wishing the best for you moving forward.

You’ve had way more and better advice than I can give. Just want to say well done on the decision. There are such things as sex therapists and I think y ou might benefit from that too.

Thank you so much sharing such an honest story. Firstly, I need to say what an incredibly hard job you are doing, you have two young children plus you have been through quite a period of loss and huge changes, plus hormonal changes. I have a 19 months old and up until about 5 months ago (after I stopped breastfeeding too), I could not stand my partner. Literally, I genuinely felt I had made a huge mistake having a child with him. I am 48 and my sons are grown up. Life was about partying, seeing friends, going on spa days and having late nights and late morning. Plus a career that was going so well. Then lockdown happened, I was furloughed, made redundant then thought...I can have a baby for this man, the man I love being with. Life is chilled and I am not in the rat race anymore. 4 years on and I have the most amazing little girl who I adore. It is hard, very very hard and boring at times when I can't even send an email or reply to a friend on whatsapp...but its getting easier, and this too shall pass. I now like my partner again and I have myself back. I feel good and think I look good. I have positive thoughts mostly. It is still tough and I do get annoyed at him still but I can put it into perspective now.

My advice is slow down...look after yourself, give your body time to heal and your mind time to catch up. If you still want to split up then do it when you are emotional in a better place. There is no sense right now bogging your mind when you could be enjoying your baby. Let go for a little while. Mothers put so much pressure on themselves to have the right answers. Perhaps put a time scale on it. He sounds like a good person and as you probably know, the grass is never greener.

Remember why you were first attracted to him. But ultimately, trust yourself and be kind to yourself.

i live thd honesty of your post I think it’s worth staying with him for the next 2-3 years till finances are a bit and kids are older. I think people often check out of a relationship years before they actually split up. For now just enjoy your kids don’t over think it but then reevaluate in a few years. Your not a bad person btw and sounds like you put your kids first good luck

When my two were small I remember seriously questioning whether or not I even liked dh. Now I can’t imagine life without him. As others have suggested, wait until they’re a bit older then decide if you are truly incompatible.

Therapy especially including sex therapist.

Can you remember what it was like being a teenager or child yourself? Now imagine what it would be like finding out that your mother was the village bike, so to speak. You know that you cannot go back to those carefree days of bringing whoever you wanted home whenever you wanted. And swanning off abroad or on holidays. It's time to grow up and focus on what you have got. You have two lovely children and a man who loves you all. You say that you only have shared values in common. That's the basis for any lasting relationship! Even if he was an absolute sex bomb, life with young children is anything but romantic. You would find the same with any other man. I think that you have spent so long not committing to anyone in the past and searching for something that doesn't exist. I don't think that you actually understand what love is. Some of the best marriages come from good friendships and can grow. Personally I would explore your own commitment issues. I'd also plan the occasional night out/weekend away with friends too so that you get a break. Personally I think that what you have got right now is better than the alternative of being alone and continuing to try and live in the past.

Hi op!

What an adventure! You definitely wanted it but yeah…not as easy to break free and not even really shinny either.

May I dare say that you sound very happy indeed but actually scared of how on earth you got there? Like how did that happen to you when you were the opposite just 5min ago?

the answer are: your children. This is why ❤️❤️ you don’t complain just questioning and that…now…don’t we allllll??! That is literally the job’s work : questioning. There is something off and you can’t find what it is or maybe it is the whole that feels a bit dauting…

You also say that you have nothing in common but family values. I am like…whatt?? Isn’t exactly what you need to…have a family with someone? For the rest, go find your treasures. For sex, that is for you to decide if that will be a reason to « not be happy ». For the debt, he is working through it right?

I will tell you, it seems to me that you are happy. 🌺

@Thirtylifecrisis I haven't read everyone else's responses, just all yours, so sorry if you've already had this.

There is a chance you could have found the man who has "everything" you think you want. But there is a lot to be said for solid, dependable and a bit boring.

I've had my fair share of shitty relationships. With the guys who, on paper, are amazing. Or with the hot guy who you have amazing sex with. They have their own positives, but at the end of the day, building a life needs more than amazing sex or only ever having made good financial decisions.

Look at his positives. Are you willing to lose those to maybe find amazing sex? Or to not be in charge of making the financial decisions? My DH isn't perfect (he's pretty damn good) but his negatives pale in comparison to his positives.

And bear in mind that life, the old you, can't come back. You have people reliant on you now. So it's a choice between this life and single mum life, not this life and your old one.

I hope you can find what makes you happy. Please just think it all through.

This may be bad advice, but here goes…

In lockdown, without the influence of the outside world, you liked him, you watched Netflix with him every day (I’m assuming the sex life was good then? So there is potential) he was there for you with your dad, he’s amazing with the kids, he takes half the mental load, he clearly doesn’t have the devil which is the male ego lingering around since you’ve told him how you feel and he’s still putting in so much effort.

Are you breastfeeding? If so, please wait until both children are weaned to evaluate the sex life situation. Breastfeeding hormones and Sex kind of clash.

Try to wait it out. Try to change your perspective.

Op….. you say there’s no “spark”.But there is. Read back how you talk about your partner. Then read again. There is your spark. YOU have therapy. No offence but I suspect you wouldn’t be happy whoever you were with. You sound a little like me, I get bored easily. At some point as adults we have to decide what actually matters…. Finding the “one” isn’t a thing. Your life isn’t how you planned it, so what? It is what it is. Now go back and read how you talk about your partner… again lol. Best of luck.

Speaking as a woman married to my DH for 40 years, might a change in perspective and expectations help? if he is as decent a man and a good father as he sounds, that doesn’t grow on trees. Could you not find some common activities and interests to bring you closer? Once you feel closer, intimacy and your sex life may likely improve. Long-term relationships take effort—a marathon, rather than a sprint. Relationships are a lot like children, they go through phases and ups and downs.
As for your comparison with your former life, the grass of your youth may seem greener to you now, but you aren’t the same as you were then and you can’t turn back the clock. If you try, you are likely in for a big, disappointing shock. What seems fun and carefree in your twenties may become vapid and meaningless in your thirties, and even depressing in your forties and fifties. Not always, but often.
Depending on a man for financial security is very risky, so the fact that you are financially independent is a good thing, though you view it as a burden because your DP is a bit dependent on you—understandable. But it sounds like your DP is really helping out and making an effort. That’s worth a lot!
Finally, your children need you and their dad. If you can possibly get some rest, let the hormones settle back to normal and try to work things out, you might just find happiness.
I wish you all the best.

As you said, you've made your bed, and now do try to lie in it.
At least give it a go. You have only recently had your baby ##2. You must've loved this man at some point. Go with a flow and give your family a bit longer. Don't have any more babies.
Would it be bad if in the end you end up living like room mates? Not permanently but perhaps until kids are school age? As you say, he's very hands on with kids and household chores. These sort of men don't come very often.

Nothing unusual in here but how have you missed that your husband lack sex drive and a charm if you were that strong on dating hot men ....this part does not make sense

You're not married? So at least his debts aren't your problem. If he's great with the kids, could he be the resident parent, on paper at least, and claim UC and benefits to get him and the kids suitably housed? Presumably you'd have to pay some kind of CM but why take the default position that you are the main parent if he's great with his kids and you'd rather have more freedom?

I agree with pp, even if you leave you're not going to get your life back as you knew it.
But it will be a never ending casino of different men brought into your DC's life. Some for a few nights, some will move in. They won't have stability. Maybe they'll get to know mom's boyfriend a bit and even get to like or love him, just for mom to move on and someone new to move in.
I think it's naive to think you'd be back to that.
I think we often think the grass is greener. It would be better with someone else. That's mostly not the case.
A book I can recommend is 'The unexpected legacy of divorce'. Talks about how no kid get put unscathed.
Anyway, strongs, life ain't easy!

Ps you've been through a lot of changes last few years - your dad's illness and losing him, 2 kids (and pregnancies!), buying a house... you are mourning your previous carefree life. That life is not coming back. What is lost is lost.
Pps you and your dp might need to explore other ways to have sex without his penis....

I haven't read all the replies, so I don't know if this has been suggested.
If I were in your position, I'd ask for a break, separate bedrooms, etc, so he wouldn't have to move out.

There are millions of women across the world just like you - yearning for their old life, regretting their decisions blah blah - it’s harder than you think to extricate yourself once kids are on the scene.

But they make the sacrifice and so do many men. They comprise, some cheat, some won’t, some will leave when the children leave home!

What you are feeling is not that rare.

No relationship is ever perfect.

Could you negotiate an open relationship?

Wow. Ur a star ⭐
This is the right way to think in my opinion.
I'm sure u will learn to love and accept ur life.
Happiness is found in found in loving and serving others and taking Ur eyes off yourself.
I think ur partner sounds lovely btw.
U will be fine. Enjoy Ur beautiful little family 💘