I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

You’re clearly not happy and this wont change. The thing is though with his financial situation and Iva could be afford to live somewhere else with out you and co parent? If not can you manage with support maybe from family to help with the kids. Life is too short to live in a sexless loveless relationship. You have a chance for a fresh start with the kids you’re clearly capable of being independent. Have a think about life if your partner wasn’t around ie housework etc having the kids full time. Wish you all the best ❤️

So true. Even if you love your partner, having young kids is hard work, you hardly get time together and even if you want to and when you try hard to make it happen, you’re exhausted.

The things he does for his family, and for you, if seeing him do all these things you have listed doesn’t make you look at him and fall for him or at least feel something then leave.

It sounds like you’re pining for the life you once had but I have a feeling if you give it all up…well the grass isn’t always greener

It's called " growing up", we all have to do it at some point. You have a much better life than a lot of people and you are lucky to have a doting partner who is also a great dad. Stop looking back and count your blessings.

Think unrealistic about what real life is like.
You did chose him as Ur life partner.
You did chose to have babies.with him.
He is happy and does help around the house and with kids.
Life isn't Hollywood and the being footloose and.fancy free wears thin in the end too.
Just learn to count your blessings and be a good mother and wife.
Things are always up and down for everyone..

He sounds absolutely perfect. You say you have nothing in common but have you tried to find out about each other? Sit him down and really talk. Tell him what you want and let him tell you. Single parenting is hard, think long and hard about parting. As for the sex there are other ways of gaining satisfaction without penetration. Just talk to each other.

You are the definition of ‘the grass is always greener’
I have no words. 😶

Do you think his debt problems are turning you off? I think it’s hard to be attracted to a man who can’t provide. It may be contributing to his ED too.

Why be an arse?

OP as not coming across as someone who is carelessly considering skipping to greener grass. She is just trying to make sense of where she is at.

👏👏👏👏👏

hats off to you OP.

i posted earlier on this thread. (I have 2 kids similar in age and said stick it out for another 2 years or so and then revisit)

i really think you are doing the right thing.
in addition to everything else you outlined in your update i really think some therapy would be of benefit as you clearly have good self awareness/ ability to introspect.
i also think tackling the elephant in the room (the debt) would be good for you (resentment)
& possibly him (the erectile dysfunction!)

You also have a lot if not ALL of the ingredients for a good and happy life with your partner and kids.

I really really wish you the best of luck and would love an update on a few years 💐

I do feel for you.
but like many others I feel you should hold fire.
your hormones are in a twizzle.
I too had a relationship with a fantastic man I wasn’t particularly lusting after I spent many years thinking I was missing out!
he also had a v large I v a.
But what I found out was this.
our relationships and life in our 20s is often based on lust , this always fades.
Adult Love is based on respect and compassion for the person , like your dp, that helps you, supports you, makes your life easier, shows love and respect for you, for others, is kind caring. These things are as important as a super sexual spark.
I’ve now been married 21 years (29 together)
he is my rock I love him more and more each day, the lust is still not there but what is, is respect care kindness support and a genuine friendship. I make an effort to cuddle him a lot ( not necessarily in bed) but in the kitchen or other places, this has helped our intimacy.
There is still no va va vroom on my part but a deep warmth a satisfaction that is stronger and longer lasting than lust.
my advice; hang in for a year, see how things are, then make your decisions, but don’t base everything on money and sex. These really do pale into insignificance as you get older.
good luck with everything.

OP. V sympathetic to how you are feeling but having single parented with one - I would not advise it with two! Maybe give this some time and especially your return to work - might provide some clarity on a solution. But as other posters have said - don’t do anything rash. From my perspective - this steady guy might provide the perfect platform to regaining some of that social life that you had before. Not a lot of Mums get to have that. Can you guys become good friends and agree to carry on on that basis? Anyway. Best of luck with the return to work and on working this through.

Honestly … life is too short to spend it with someone you don’t have that spark and attraction too . Your life obviously won’t ever be the same as pre kids. spending it with someone you don’t connect with would be a deal breaker for me .

I'll tell you it exactly how it is. You're incredibly selfish. This man is a wonderful person. Oh no, he has some debts! He's not perfect. Yet he's a wonderful father and partner to you but of course you have no accountability in any of this do you? You chose to be with him, you chose to get pregnant not once but twice. If he wasn't right for you, the beginning was where you should have realised this. Imagine if he came across this post or your two precious children. You don't deserve any of them to be honest. Let the man have his kids and you go run around with your friends and do whatever selfish things you want because it seems like that's what would make you feel better than your poor family deserves to be free of your nonsense.

I hear you Op! I was fancy free travelling a lot, seeing my friends, playing loads of sport before kids. I also had a Mini Cooper!
DH had to really convince me to have dogs, then kids…

It gets better… mine are a bit older how and we’ve been to New York, we’re going skiing next year, I’m building a successful business. I see my friends a lot, the kids can join in on sports, camping and mountain walking now…

I do actually prefer life now vs pre-kids. But it does take time. Little kids are HARD! you’re not alone in feeling this way.

Life will not be like it was in your twenties of you split. Separating and juggling childcare will be harder than where you are now.

Children need stability especially up to age 4 to ensure their future healthy attachments and for positive mental health.

I would prioritise the children, and maybe give yourself 2 years to think about it whilst your babies have you both.

You need to see apart from the sex you have a dream man house wise.
The debts will soon be gone ,
Your children will be school age before you blink.
Please don't throw away your life for a ducking with someone whom at your ages will have baggage, ex's and won't help with your children like their dad.
Get sorted so no more children.
As a single older woman being alone is not the fun time it was at 20 to 25.
Duck it and go seems the norm. Or they move in resent paying for your bills and you get bad sex as they are older.

I don’t know why you (appear) to assume the kids would stay with you as the primary parent after you split up. They don’t belong to you - they are his kids as much as yours and if you are equally raising them now (which is what you appear to be saying), he’d be well within his rights to ask for at least a 50:50 split in parenting time. And if he took it to court, they’d be quite likely to give it him.

I’m sorry for the loss of your Dad, that must have been doubly traumatic for you also caring for him and seeing him slip away.

I think a lot more couples see life as you explain, especially after having children, and two in quick succession. A sudden loss and coping with a lot of change, you have had a lot of grief compunded by change in many ways. Feeling dissatisfied with many aspects of life won’t help.

Many people look back wistfully upon their past lives and then to the daily drudgery especially with two young children.

I would say (with a divorce behind me), you are also lucky with a partner who does a lot around the house and does the errands, you would not believe how many complaints I hear that their partners do nothing. He may need help with viagra or other solutions, stress won’t help. This part is really difficult but it will get better, I cannot promise on your relationship but I would advise to try everything you have got and throw it at it. Many would look at you to have it all, you many not but then you look to others and they will have their own fair share of problems, albeit possibly a different set.

Freedom is a state of the mind, not really where you can holiday to. Have a go and good luck.

I really think you need to hold your ground. You’re right in the thick of it. I was there recently, questioning everything. You have a solid guy, great dad, treats you amazingly by the sounds of it. I think you owe it to your children to try a little longer after all these choices were all yours. You may regret loosing a really good thing.

Your partner sounds great in a practical
level, but if the spark isn’t there now it’s not gonna be there in 20 years time when dc leave home & then you’ve wasted 20 years with the wrong guy. You’re not married so don’t need to go through a costly divorce either. Your kids are young so they won’t even remember you being together with their dad.,

Shouting again: open marriage works for some couples!!! Keep it as an option!

and in therapy work not just at acceptance; try to figure out WHY you sleepwalked into this so you have enough self awareness not to do it again

and what’s so wrong with chasing dick?
its actually quite fun

From someone who stayed in a similar marriage for over 35 years (for sake of the children), I would say get out. No matter how hard you think it will be there is nothing worse than realising you wasted so many years of your life. I truly regret not getting out when the kids were young. Even if I had never met anyone else, I know I would have been much happier. To wait to be happy in your 50's/60's is so sad. Life really is too short to stay with someone you are not happy with.