I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

You did make decisions (why keep the first pregnancy, for instance?), and constantly regretting them is the road to severe unhappiness.

You still have a long life ahead of you. When your children are grown, maybe you can go back to a carefree existence, doing as you please and having and discarding many lovers, if you still want to by then.

No man, even 'the one', if he exists will love and value your children the way you and DP do.

He may be the wrong man but now doesn't seem the right time to break up. You have experienced several very big life changes in the last few years. It takes a while to adjust to these kinds of things - you're only 6 months in with your youngest.

I'd say wait till you are more settled and the children are a bit older. Also see if you can find some shared interests - there must be something you can enjoy together. Do you have someone who could babsit?

I think as others have sad here you are tired ,hormonal and a bit bloody fed up. Honestly your DP sounds great! (esp compared to the usual losers being described on here ) If you are in your 30s then you are not old ,but past that "20 something" when its all new and exciting.Reality bites and suddenly you want a steady boyfriend and some security. I think if you can go out with friends or have a date night with hubby you may feel better .Also the 2nd baby is a testing time for many couples ,suddenly you are responsible for 2 not 1 I . And its more than twice the work! Being a single parent is hard work.My friend works nights as a Nurse and sleeps when DC are at School.very tiring .I honestly would think very carefully.

It isn't selfish for a woman to leave a relationship with a man who lied to her and that she doesn't respect or love.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so full of regret. In your position I think te best thing to do is park any big decisions until the little one is about 2. By which I mean, just accept this is life for now. The early years are hard enough without adding big life changes into the mix. I used to think like this with a hangover. While I was in the thick of the hangover I would park any big thoughts or worries until I could think about them now clearky the next day. Live with tinies is hard and a bit shit frankly. so enjoy the bits you can, accept the supportuve DP, and revisit things in a couple of years when you arent so much in the yrenches

I feel really sorry for your children's father.

You sound very selfish and that's not fair when you have two small children.

Of course nobody deserves to be unhappy in a relationship but you chose to have two children with this man very recently.

Now you claim you were never that into him. Then why do it? Once in lockdown with grief maybe but if you were so unhappy that you were going to counselling during the second pregnancy, it makes no sense.

If the positions were reversed, we'd be telling a lower earning woman to marry him. It may not always be the case that she outearns him either.

She does get on with him, there is no antipathy in her posts and he appears to do nice things like bring her coffee in bed - my impression from the posts.

I think the PP that suggested OP get one to one therapy for possible depression/PND is wise. There is a lot going for this relationship.

@SandwichMunch this is really beautiful to me.. what you’ve written. I feel very much like op often feelings of being trapped and grieving my old self etc. Me and my DH have a great friendship and the other stuff used to be brilliant and is now mediocre.. my mum and dad and also my grandparents all had long stable marriages and no one has divorced in my family, so at times I’ve felt pressured to not run even when I’ve seriously considered it. What you’ve written is really true love - life is messy and sometimes boring or difficult but sticking through hard times and hanging onto friendship through those times is love ❤️ thanks for your post it was just what I needed to read x

Your life sounds great.
Who has savings with small children and child care?

I'd continue on and admit to enjoying all the things that you do love about the arrangement.
DP will be debt free in three years and your children will be in school.

At that time you could save for an investment or holiday home deposit. Introduce spending some time in two homes sometimes. See how that feels.
In ten years you might have worked out a happier way, romantically, who knows.

You moved in with the guy and had a child. I can see how you could end up in this situation a bit blindly. But a very large part of you must have wanted a more settled life to have actively decided to have a second child and a dog. Both of these could easily be avoided. You remind me of a friend of mine who always freaked out about commitment at every stage but somehow managed to buy a house with his partner and have 2 children and a dog. He loves his children but always felt he wasn’t living the life he actually wanted. Fast forward 15 years and his wife has now fallen in love with someone else and wants to leave him. He now realises he is actually living the life he wants with someone he loves and is desperately trying to persuade her to stay.

You could fall in love with a man, then have kids with him and then fall out of love because he doesn’t pull his weight in the house. It does sound like you’ve got a good man here and I agree that you’re romanticising your past life and seeing it all as closed off to you now. It also sounds like you’ve always been quite cold towards the men in your life and deliberately not got emotionally involved. Could this be a pattern that you’re repeating now with him? On the other hand him hiding his debts was very crap and maybe you haven’t forgiven him for that and it’s affecting how you feel. Did you fully work through that in the counselling?

I would give it a year before making any decisions, reconnect with your friends, work on yourself, figure out if your lack of emotion is something that could change when you’re less tired & drained and more aware of what’s behind your patterns in relationships, and then decide what to do.

Do you have pnd?

You sound a bit spoilt. Life with young children is hard

I feel sorry for the guy - he sounds like he’s really trying his best. I would hate to be talked about this way by my partner.

Could you discuss opening up your relationship? @Thirtylifecrisis so you have dating and then treat your house an kids as a joint venture as partners with your current partner?

realistically with children that young you aren’t going to be globe trotting and doing that stuff but some stuff is achievable within the next few months eg wine tastings etc.

if you pick up your own social life you Coul both find a happiness. It seems like he has found himself in being a parent. And your kids are benefiting from that.

I listened to a TED talk about partnership and intimacy, and how over the years we’re expecting more and more from our partners. Is it realistic to find everything aspect of happiness, socialising, joint hobbies, joint interest all in one person? Can’t you be two people working towards a common goal?

you are in the housemate phase at the moment with the kids. Has he going to doctor about ED? Is it emotional or physical? (Don’t answer that but just a thought!) As perhaps it could improve ?

I commend you both for being honest.
Continue being kind and respecful to each other.
Try to develop some past times that you both enjoy; you never know how good it will become if you venture out together a lot.

This. It sounds like no one did fit your ideal as you kept moving on. I would say also he seems to have worked really hard on himself and that maybe indicates that he is the kind of person who could grow with you? I imagine he must have at least some inkling of how you are feeling, which won't be good for his confidence or improving his sexual performance etc. Maybe give it some more time while the kids are little and life is so tiring (or at least until he is on a more secure financial footing which doesn't sound far away), work on what you really value in life (how would you view how you led your life on your deathbed etc?), work on your relationship with him as a friend, and if you decide you cannot stay with him, continue to build on that friendship to support each other, as separating will be tough on everyone but ultimately it would not be fair on him to stay in a relationship if you continue to resent him. It is great that you both love and care about your kids so much. I hope that you both find a way forward.

I've said my piece so I'm not going to bang on, but just to add @Thirtylifecrisis that if you end up taking the advice so many people have given you to stick with it while your children are small, or until his IVA ends, etc, then please, please get some legal and financial advice first about the extent to which you might end up having to support him if you do then split up, so that you can factor that into any decision to delay. I may be projecting but imo this man is a manipulator and like @SnowRose1 upthread I have lived the same scenario and can see red flags all over it. Likewise, feel free to PM.

No but it is selfish to ruin your children’s family life because you’re having fantasies for some long lost shag pad.

I’m going to take a slightly different angle here. I have many of the same questions as everyone else around why set up home with someone where the sex isn’t good, let alone have two children with them.

That aside, does he pay some of the bills? I know you’re not married, which is clearly good from an assets perspective, however if he has very little money and doesn’t pay towards the bill, you are creating a legal situation where if you split up he could force you to house him. He is under the law a dependent cohabitee.
You need him contributing to all costs. it doesn’t give him any right to your house but it does put him in a position of demonstrating financial independence so if you do split up, he can’t claim that he is reliant on you

Divorce really affects children more than a lot of people would like to admit. I’d stay with him for their sake.

Charming mother she's got.

I think we read different ops, because nothing about what I read made me think marriage was the solution!

If a man wrote a post like this, he would be handed his arse on a plate, and would be told to stop thinking with his dick.

You can of course do what you want, by all means leave him, but stop kidding yourself that you'll go back to your carefree and shag pad days, when you have little children, and you're not getting any younger. The reality would be living hand to mouth, going on endless dates with losers from Match.com, who would probably hate your kids, and your current partner (who sounds lovely), would most likely meet and marry a woman who will have your kids half the time, and they will call her Mum. You will have Christmasses alone, NYE alone, miss their birthdays etc, because he and his new wife will be taking their turn to have the children.

Even if you could turn back the clock by 3 years, and choose another sliding door, in which your partner and children never existed, how do you think that'll feel when you're 50? All your friends would have husbands, kids and grand kids, meanwhile, you're the grey haired hippy with the menopausal middle aged spread, who is mostly lonely, because everyone else has a family and you don't. You wouldn't have a queue of men lining up outside your shag pad, because quite frankly, the men you'd be interested in, would be after a younger model, or they would have already been snapped up.

Be very careful. It sounds as though you have a very good man there, and believe me, they are so hard to find. I'd fight tooth and nail to get the spark back before throwing in the towel.

Every woman feels slightly trapped at this stage, because in reality, you are! But it's a short lived stage of life.

“A lot going for this relationship”. Wtf. Have we read the same thread? They don’t have much in common, don’t have fun together, no sex and no money which he downright lied about she is the breadwinner. Yay! But he brings her coffee in bed so that’s all ok then.

You sound bonkers 😅

Totally agree with this. The idea that if you leave this guy you will suddenly find yourself carefree riding every stud in town is completely batshit.

The reality is not seeing your kids at Christmas, not seeing them on their birthdays, feeling pretty lonely and fielding messages from similarly lonely guys on tinder, many of whom are less than desirable.