I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

@Anotherlife

are you really saying op should wait until her kids are grown until she can be happy? Do you not think having a happy mother is far better for the kids? It’s not ok to condemn yourself to years of misery in the (false) belief it’s better for your kids.

The children will suffer far more living with two parents who don't like or love each other.

That's what I never get about these threads. She presumably already knew she didn't love let alone like him after child number 1? Why make her situation even more complicated in those circumstances?

She can leave, but he sounds like a decent father, which means he'll probably seek as much custody as he has a right to. She'll lose time with her children.

@TheAlchemy

exactly! When you become a mother your become a mother - NOT a martyr.

@betterangels

“She can leave, but he sounds like a decent father, which means he'll probably seek as much custody as he has a right to. She'll lose time with her children.“

ok….
but that’s not a reason to say with him and remain in an unhappy marriage.

A lot of posts on here seem to suggest that Op should stay with this man and be grateful because he is a decent father and pulls his weight around the house, the fact that there is no connection and a rubbish sex life is a trifling matter to some. But it’s not to op clearly. She wants more from her partner and more from life. You don’t have to settle Op @Thirtylifecrisis

I mean, they're not married. She could leave today if she wanted and is that unhappy. She has agency like every other person.

I totally agree but when you become a mother there are some things you need to leave behind and galavanting around town like a carefree twenty something is one of those things. It’s called becoming an adult, not a martyr. If you want to still do those things you can of course choose to not have children.

@TheAlchemy

yep and if she want to leave her partner than she can. She doesn’t have to wait till the kids are older or anything like that. She can leave him whenever she wants. She doesn’t have to stay with him for the sake of the kids

Oh absolutely she can leave him of course she can but she should do so with realistic expectations of life after him will be like. Not some fantasy of life in a shag pad

@TheAlchemy

it will be better than living with a man she has no connection with. She will be able to get her own life together when the kids are with their dad. Seeing friends, hobbies, dating again if she wants.

From your posts, I can’t quite tell if you miss being in your twenties or just can’t stand your partner?

I had my baby at 20 so never got to experience my twenties in the same way you did (I’m still in my early twenties in fact, but as a mother it’s a very different experience!) But I know a lot of mothers who are 10+ years older than me and many of them do comment on how hard it is to have a baby 30+ because they have had more time to build a life of their own, which they have to let go of, and grieving that can be a process. Of course I’m not promoting having a child young because they’re are lots of challenges that come with that, but I do wonder if perhaps you are struggling adjusting to motherhood and grieving your old life.

Are you in love with him? Can’t see if you’ve said that, but by the sounds of it you’re not. I really feel for you because I was in a similar situation, although very different circumstances and my pregnancy was not planned but I did try for a while to be in a relationship with my son’s dad. He disgusted me (I know that’s really harsh, but that’s how I felt.) On paper he had everything but the chemistry and connection became worse and worse. I think I knew I was forcing it and that I would’ve deleted his number a long time ago, if it wasn’t for falling pregnant.

I don’t think you should be with someone just for the kids, you deserve to be happy too and they deserve a happy mama. I appreciate it’s a tough decision to make, and also echo what other posters have said about waiting to see if your feelings change. A 6 month old plus a toddler is no joke! Give yourself time and grace to move on in the best way you see possible. I hope everything works out for you!

OP writes eloquently about her shagpad days, and of course that's what she's hankering after because that's the only other life as an adult that she knows. But it's a red herring if people are going to take it so literally. I'm sure she's smart enough to know that regressing to that lifestyle isn't an option and probably wouldn't make her happy anymore, because she's older and a mother and has changed. What she's expressing is a feeling of being trapped, and it's not unreasonable to want to unpack that and see if she feels trapped by new motherhood (normal and transitory) or by the obvious shortcomings of her relationship (likely to be permanent and to get worse if action is not taken).

John Lennon also said “I am the egg man, I am the walrus” so…

First of all your thread title is incorrect, having a family has not ruined your life
having a family without Mr Right is ruining your present and future

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.
# of course you do, most Mothers do

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.

as did 000's of others

I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
yes as do/did 000's of others, in their twenties

If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on.

of course you did, as do/did 000's of others

As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with

where are they friends/colleagues now

are you still in touch / do you still see them ?

Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

yep most of us grow up / settle down

I spent a decade living like this.

as did 000's of others

I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.
#as did 000's of others

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in.

he misled / lied to you

I would have moved him straight out, just like you did all the others
mistake no 1

Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.

he wouldn't have even to to move in with me

mistake no 2

He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh.

wasn't your problem or responsibility, should have still kicked him out, people still moved into rentals during this time

mistake no 3

My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

that's sad, but life and death happens, and life goes on.

should have got some form of counselling/therapy

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.

so he was useful at this time

mistake no 4

We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was each other and netflix.

lockdown affected everyone, but looking back it was 6 months

and we all knew it wasn't forever
at least thank goodness he got a new job, even if he hadn't got a new home to move into

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.

oh dear oh dear oh dear, an unplanned pregnancy - no contraception or a contraception failure with this person that sex is so bed

so yes mistake no 5

Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

nothing stopping him from moving out and finding a rental

mistake no 6
and you didn't step up and be honest and end the relationship
mistake no 7

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family.

you didn't need to, you already had a 2 bed property

mistake no 8

We had our baby.

yep that is the end result usually after a pregnancy

DP got an IVA for his debts.

We got a dog.

what a shame, even more playing at happy families with a man I don't think you actually like, certainly don't fancy and if you love him - it's not a romantic love it's a family or friendship love

mistake no 9

I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra).

good grief, yet again no contraception and you are still having sex with a man who you don't enjoy sex with

mistake no 10

tho at least you have 2 children close together which lots of families plan

We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

and he is probably happy / content

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

certainly been in denial for all that time

tho lockdown was 4 years ago - you never said how soon you allowed him to move in
but don't make lockdown the blame for all your poor decisions

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

he seems to be a good man, one that many mn'ers would like/have liked

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.

shame you didn't realise this / say this during lockdown

Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

is that enough for the rest of your life

is this fair on him - he is a human being too you know with feelings

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

isn't that when the relationship should have ended

give him a chance to find/have someone who wants him for him

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

of course they are, he is their Daddy and he loves them and cares for them

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

what are you going to do about it ?!!!

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

often life doesn't go to plan

but you can change it

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

you already are paying for the house, you prev paid for the house

so what's new !

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

i would say there is no choice what you need to do moving on

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended.

the 1st lockdown lasted 6 months this is 4 years later stop blaming lockdown for your poor choices

He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

yeah until you woke up one day and realised / found all the young single men were settling down with other people

tho you may well have met Mr. Right within a week a month a year 2 years etc. if you had finished the relationship sooner

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

no, there is a very good chance you will meet someone else, and you will co-parent with current partner and the next one

000's of other people do

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

better sooner than later

let him go, allow him to find someone who will feel the same about him as he will feel about her...

edited as bold appeared where I didn't want it, but hasn't appeared where I did want it - oh well. sigh

If I was him, I'd want you to leave me.
You feel like you'd been sold a lie and sleepwalked in to a life you don't recognise, now going down a similar path.

I'd rather someone who doesn't love me cut me loose while I was still going enough to rebuild rather than 10 years down the line

I thought this was a non horsey Jilly Cooper story to be honest. You sound about 18 - missing whizzing about in your MC and living in your shag pad with various blokes at your disposal and international jaunts with varied age groups aching to be pals with you. Then you go and blow it with Mr Ordinary- not only that you add 2 children into the equation who sound like their idyllic life is going to be blown apart because their mother isn't yet a grown up.

No, just to wait until her brain is out of the fog.

I'm sorry but I think you need to take responsibility for the life choices you have made. You didn't "wake up" and suddenly have 2 children. Although they may not have been totally planned, you still chose to continue with those pregnancies and have not 1 but 2 children from them.

Lockdown was a hardship for everyone but it's not to blame, either.

How are your moods? Have you ever struggled with mental health? It might be worth going to your doctor to ask for advice or some counselling to work through your feelings.

You say you always wanted a family and those of us that have been able to achieve that are very lucky. You sound like you had a fun and bustling time in your 20s but it was never going to stay that way forever - people and things change. That said, you can still have a great time and do things for yourself. You just have to take into consideration 2 little people now.

If you are truly unhappy in your relationship, then leave. It is far easier than done but it is doable. If you feel miserable your children will pick up on that. Have an open conversation with your partner and tell him how you feel. If you feel you can't talk to him, there are other ways out.

Good luck

*easier said than done.

Maybe cynical to say but I do think lots of people have an affair in these circs. Tbh OP I think that’s where you could be headed.

Think carefully about where you could end up if you take this route…

I'm not saying it's the best advice. Like I also think she has commitment issues, but it's naive to exclude this as an option if it helps her situation. I don't know her or her partner.

She just needs to leave him fgs 😂

Op I'm sorry you feel this way and I think you are more then valid in wanting the romance in your relationship to be present however don't be under the impression the grass is greener. Many men who give the romance and the butterflies are not always going to be there for you in the way you partner is. That's not to say you can't start again of course you can what I'm saying is don't walk away from this wanting a different life. Walk away because you tried to sort this out and it didn't work. The two are not the same if you get what I mean. Talk to your partner and tell him you want and need more intimacy from the relationship, have more therapy if you need to. I hope it all works out what ever you decide.

Op, all sorts of advice given here including a lengthy catalogue of your mistakes by one poster. You are not happy in your relationship and a lack of connection which you sort of slid into.

I have woken up only recently to the path I had taken. I went for stability (without being fully aware of this) and in my case idealised my husband not wanting to see what was really there (upbringing had a huge amount to do with this and again not fully aware). I think the difference is, I didn't realise this until several years and a few dc later that I had been existing in a sort of ignorant happiness. It sounds like you are having this realisation sooner. Now I have the realisation, it is extremely difficult to face. I am also romanticising my younger years including an earlier relationship which in actual fact was not that good.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this position. Very difficult to advise. I know what I have to do but need to wait a while (it has taken some time to reach this conclusion). Leaving with children at various ages and stages is always going to be difficult to varying degrees. I don't regret the dc they are wonderful but it is has undoubtedly complicated things a great deal and I don't think it is as easy as some suggest just to leave. Perhaps just sit back for a few months and reflect, your youngest is very young, your partner is very supportive in this respect, you've just returned to work and so on - you perhaps need a while to get things on an even keel. I do think the old adage is true - there is never a right time but it is easier when some things line up. To some extent you would always be parenting differently if you were to leave but this does not rule out having another partner further down the line.

Its simple: You dont love the man and feel guilty for it. You feel guilty because you know he is a great partner and father (in fact, a special one for all he does for his family) and the things missing are the spark and love between you. You feel guilty that you will be the cause your children will miss out on growing up in a nuclear family, all because you are missing excitement from the past.

The sad thing is, I really dont think love can be forced. But as many other PP said, you might also be portpartum and still brain fogged to make a clear decision. I will give it some time, focusing on moving the baby to their own sleep space, work on the bedroom department, work on finding common hobbies.
I just dont think you have given it enough chance and time as your relationship happened during covid followed by two pregnancies.

Lastly, i think we all forget and easily take what we have for granted. You will miss whats gone and that is the supportive DP you say he is. My DH is financially solvent and works really hard to make sure we never have to be financially worried but then he lacks time and energy to do all that your DP does. Your DP probably carry the load I do for my family and I can tell you that it is not an easy role. You will realise if you seperate how hard it is to do what he is doing. Im not saying you will end up with either or, but its worth to keep in mind that the next man you meet may fall in certain criteria but then lack others… so with all this being said, you need to think what you value in a partnership.