I've ruined my life by having a family

[Thirtylifecrisis]

Just as the title says really.

I have 2 DC and a dp. Love my DC sooo frigging much.

Before settling down I had my own small house (2 up, 2 down) and a professional job.
I dated like a hobby and waltzed around seeing friends, going on lots of holidays and daydreaming.
If a relationship went south I had no issues in ending them, deleting them and moving on. As I was on my own all through my twenties I had friends of all ages for adventures. A close friend in her sixties to go to Rome with. Other women in their twenties to go bar hoping with. Colleagues in their forties to go wine tasting with
Life was full of options and opportunities. If things didn't work out I could always book a holiday, change jobs, migrate abroad, join the circus or whatever. So much freedom.

I spent a decade living like this.
I always wanted a family. I wanted to meet a steady and stable man who was financially solvent with no children so we could marry, combine assets and have children with.

I met DP during my dating sprees. He sold me a dream that wasn't quite reality. He was steady and stable but not financially solvent. He hid debt from me and I didn't know until he moved in. Sex life was and is horrendous! Erectile dysfunction.
He then lost his job and I was about to kick him out but lockdown struck. Fucking lockdown. Sent me a bit crazy tbh. My dad died during lockdown. I nurses him for 4 weeks whilst he died from pancreatic cancer slowly Infront of me. Trauma.

DP was excellent during this time. Really a rock. Suddenly the finances didn't matter.
We were in this bubble together. Living together with no one else. It was like life would always remain like this in lockdown. With the absence of real life and just me and him, all flaws in the real world became irrelevant to our temporary lives. His debts didn't impact. We weren't exactly going anywhere. He got a new job and paid his share of bills. The fact we had nothing in common didn't matter either. For that time we had everything in common. All we had was eachother and netflix.

I then became pregnant. A baby to add to our bubble.
Then lockdown properly ended and the real world resumed. But it was different. We emerged from lockdown with me heavily pregnant and with a man I actually had little in common with and would never have chosen as a life partner.

Then everything happened so quickly. I bought us a bigger house for our new family. We had our baby.
DP got an IVA for his debts. We got a dog. I came off maternity leave and got pregnant again (whilst DP tried out Viagra). We were then juggling decorating a new house with 2 babies and a dog.

I am not the passenger in my own life but my god. It's like I just woke up one day with a partner, 2 kids and a dog. It feels like this happened in a blink of an eye, before I could even think through wtf I was doing. I feel like I've been asleep for the past 5 years and living on auto pilot.

DP has been a fantastic father. He really has. He is in his own words 'living the dream'. This is all he's ever wanted. He's 50/50 in child rearing and the mental load. He probably does more housework than me if I'm honest. He does the weekly food shop with the toddler in tow every week. He spends his weekends taking the toddler swimming, mowing the lawn, running errands and cooking family roast dinners. He brings me a coffee in bed Saturday mornings whilst I have a lie in with the baby and then heads off with the toddler for the morning of swimming, shopping errands. He'll then come back for us to do something as a family. He'll have the kids whilst I go out with friends no questions asked.

But we have nothing in common. Literally nothing. We don't laugh. We don't cuddle. We don't have sex. We have different sense of humour. There is little there.
Our commonality is shared family values but that's as far as it goes.

We did couples counselling when I was pregnancy with number 2 as I was unhappy with our relationship. It didn't do anything. There is no spark.

Now I feel trapped and I'm suffocating. We have two little ones. The baby is 6 months old. They are as attached to their dad as they are to me.

I adore them. I really do. But this is not the life I had envisaged for when I have a family. I spent my twenties having fun and really building a solid foundation to NOT be in this position when I eventually settled.

I am living a life I did not want or plan. Anything I do now is not the life I've wanted. It's the opposite.

I did not want to be a single parent but I knew life could happen. That's why I wanted a man also financially solvent. So if this shit hits the fan no one is dependent on the other and the kids would be provided for. If I end it with DP he's homeless. Nowhere to go. He has an IVA and countless other shit.
I then face a life of financial hardship as I'd have to pay for the house and kids and DP maintenance would be minimal due to his financial issues. So I'd have 18 years of juggling the books and raising 2 kids.

If I stay then I have decades of shit sex with someone I have literally nothing in common with.

If it weren't for lockdown this relationship would have ended. He'd have been a brief relationship from the past id barely remembered. I'd have continued to waltz around in my mini cooper visiting friends, holidaying in the sunny destinations and having hot dates with various men.

Now I'm looking at a lifetime of single parenthood or settling for an unsatisfactory relationship.

I can't waltz off this time. I have two tiny people who depend on me to make the right choices for them. But what is it?

This was very long winded but so cathartic to write. So thank you for anyone who's read this.

She doesn't need to take your women-must-pay-for-their-sins version of accountability.

I think it’s hard to make the transition from party girl to responsible adult. You are used to seeing yourself in a certain way and you grieve for your old life and who you were and how you were seen. I’m much older than you and been married for over 25 years but lots of the time I think “there’s so much more to me than being asked what’s for tea”. Your little ones will be the making of you. Trust me x

We make decisions good and bad all the time. Some work out and some don't. You only have this one life. You can waste your time ask why, why, why did I do this. Well stop it. If these decisions you have made make you miserable and you can't stand this life then change it again. Yes there will be upset, things that have been done will have to be undone.

Don't get to the end of your life regretting them, make some more and if that decision is splitting with your partner then do it. It won't be easy for you, him or your kids but it's not the end of the world. So long as the children are loved and cared for by both parents then there is no reason why you cannot live apart.

Financial changes and agreements can be made, new homes found, family structure changed. This isn't the nineteen fifties you have choices. Pull up you big girl pants and make them.

No she needs to understand the active role she has played in her own decision making.

Why is this such a difficult concept to grasp?

I spent years telling other women "I don't think I know a married couple with two under fives where they are both working who isn't in the verge of divorce. And half of the time the man isn't even aware of it!" It's hard, but this is not the time for big decisions. Once the early years are over you start getting more headspace, more flexibility, more time.

If there was a time when your relationship was good then there is hope.

OP I really feel for you. I am/was in a similar situation with a man who is the best dad and partner ever but no spark. We did split up for a few years when DD was 2 but we ended up spending so much time together as best friends and co-parents that we got back together when DD was 5. I've had a few wobbles, but for me it was the right decision. A couple of things different between me and you though, we definitely get along well and are good friends, and he is financially savvy and solvent. I totally identify with what you've said about not knowing any other dad/partner who's half as good as yours. Sometimes I want to scream when I hear how hopeless everyone else's partners and husbands are, but I can only assume they stay together because the sex/spark is there. Him being such a good dad also means the 'every other weekend' type dad role which lots of separated parents go for just isn't right, so you'd need to go 50/50, which is tough, and as others have said, it won't bring your old life back. It's such a tough call, and beating yourself up over it won't help.

Scary the amount of ppl on page 1 suggesting you deal with it and stay and just essentially dye inside.

I didn't read further so apologies if the thread has moved on but, I propose an alternative suggestion.

I'd say to him 'Look, we've tried therapy but honestly, the spark is gone I think we need to face it. I adore you as a friend and you're a brilliant father but, we have nothing in common. I suggest that at least for the time being, you stay here, take a seperate room, and we coparent as friends. There's no need to change what works'.

And provided he clears his debts, that should work fine for a while. At least until you are ready to start dating again.

Honestly, this might sound brutal but what you’re describing is basically life with young kids and a partner you’ve been with for a while for a lot of people. My own view is that you should probably give it a bit longer and try to work on things at least whilst your kids are little.

As they get older you can do a lot more without the kids- like hobbies, mini breaks, better holidays, time to yourself. That might really improve things. In fact why not start now if you can!

And stay off social media, don’t compare yourself to other people. Most couples I know aren’t joking around/ kissing/ cuddling all the time either. I suspect that if most of my friends split up they might not want another partner for a while!

Aldo you’ve said that this is not what you want, but what’s lacking is how you DO want family life to work (bearing in mind you said you did want kids). If it’s a partner who is completely reliable, good dad, pulls his weight, financially solvent BUT ALSO sets you on fire in the bedroom, comedian and soulmate I think this is probably going to be almost impossible to find and, chances are, you might find him and something mad would give you the ick!

I’m going to play devils advocate here…
I feel like the emotions you infer in your original post were more about missing that freedom and past version of yourself and this longing/possible resentment of that loss is misplaced on your partner.
Ending that relationship will not reinstate any part of the freedom you had pre kids when you were single, quite the opposite. It will involve you having to do MORE as your partner is so hands on and suddenly wouldn’t be there.
I know the bar for men is SO low but I do feel wholeheartedly that your partner is a good man. He is hands on, a dedicated father and partner, understands the mental load and whilst I hate myself for calling you ‘lucky’ to have this (as all women should have this level of support/equity) let’s call a spade a spade. Men like this are rare! I could only dream of this level of support and I’m presuming you know he is rare based on what you said about your own friends partners.
Your kids are so young, your life is dedicated to caring for other people’s needs and your own needs are shoved to the bottom of the priority list. That would only worsen if you end your relationship.
I say bide your time. Get through these intense, draining years of small children and as they age, you get a little more freedom with each passing year and you can start doing that travelling again with your partner, who you may grow to love and appreciate more as you watch him to continue to step up for you and your children. Love fluctuates over time. I’ve hated my partner as often as I’ve loved him but we stayed together and our kids are getting older now and we started having more time just us.
The sex thing is something that’s easier to fix than being with a hot man with great sex who is inherently selfish and does nothing for his family.
A man pulling his weight is sexy, being a great father is sexy.
I say take some time and try to alter your perspective on things and see all his great qualities. The second baby has probably solidified for you that the carefree way of living is definitely over, but that’s only for now.
the grass is greener where you water it!

Good luck x

He sounds like a great dad but not a great partner. I think he's so hands on with the kids/house work because he knows he's lacking in other areas - sex, money/debt.
I think alot of us, sadly, are use to useless men who don't pull their weight which is why so many people are advising you stay but your heart is just not in it.

Lying about his financial situation is a huge red flag. In fact starting out any relationship on lies is never going to end well.

As someone who has been through a break up. My children were between 3yrs and 16yrs when my marriage broke down. 2 yrs later I can tell you that the youngest child is thriving, while the older ones have been deeply effected by our divorce. Probably because the youngest knows no different while the older kids remember and miss the way things used to be.

If you are going to break up, then I'd strongly suggest doing it while the children are still young.

Hi OP,
I'm a single mum and it's very hard.
To me it sounds like you have a structure that is working for your very young children at the moment and I would think long and hard before you dismantle it.
If he was abusive or if you were constantly rowing then I wouldn't say that, also you are not going to return to the life you had in your 20's because when we are in our 20's everyone is carefree, but that changes a lot as people around you settle in your 30's anyway.

If you do leave then do it with a realistic view of what might happen. Your boyfriend may move miles away to be with family as mine did, the children only saw him once in a year wheras he had done most of the childcare before then but he changed a lot wehn we split. Your boyfriend may meet another woman and have children with her and your children may no longer be his priority.
Just weigh everything up properly and if you still decide to leave then it will be the correct decision.

I’m late to this thread, but I think this line from @Stravaig recommending therapy is really worth repeating, because I see that in the OP too, and also potentially in myself!!

(From your posts, you seem to have a reckless, risk-taking, fuck-it, now-i-have-to-pay streak masquerading as an adventurous free spirit, and it is self sabotaging and self harming to your overall life and wellbeing.)

No, because she doesn't need to play into your weird punishment trope.

Why is that such a difficult concept for you to grasp? Do you always try to control and dictate the behaviour of those around you? Take a breath and focus on yourself.

It’s not about punishment though. It’s about the fact that once you have children you cannot make selfish decisions anymore. You have to consider people other than yourself in your choices and sometimes they’re not always the choices we would make if we didn’t have children, but they’re necessary when you’re a parent.

You’ve got this OP. My kids are grown but little kids can be draining. I didn’t read all the comments but I saw a couple saying to bide your time and wait things out. I’m of that school of thought.
if DP cheated or was in the habit of calling you everything but a child of god then you best believe I’ll be suggesting you ask him to leave. But that’s not the case. He sounds decent from what you said.

I understand looking at your 20s and missing that life. But you’re older and have two little ones who depend on you and DP for a semblance of a decent family life. Hang on and try to reconnect to the extent that you can with your DP. There’s no such thing as a man who has it all.
Take a breath and see where your head is at when your youngest if 18 months, then reevaluate things.

So he must feel the same about you as you do about him? I mean from what you are saying he doesn't try to be affectionate with you - you don't say you are pushing him away. So is he madly in love with you and you don't feel the same way or are you both in the same boat in feeling like you are friends who are parenting well together? Is it worth a conversation?

A punishing trope? What in earth goes on in your mind.

Stop infantilising the OP. She is an autonomous actor in her own life. She hasn’t been coerced or manipulated into any of the decisions she made.

She makes the decisions in her life. For better or for worse. But she is blaming her partner for her unhappiness. Not taking account of her role. She believes life has been thrown at her.

Whatever decision she makes in the future is hers to make, and come what may, she needs to understand she can’t continue to blame others

You don’t need to quote me again Matt. Move on with your day

Sorry & I don’t mean this harshly but I think some of that yearning for a carefree existence happens to all new parents. You are in the process of coming to terms with commitment; once you have tiny human beings who are totally dependent on you you can’t just live footloose and fancy-free. You know this!! Your youngest is still a baby - it’s normal to feel that desire for your “old” self. Totally normal! Things do balance out a bit but don’t expect too much too soon.

You’ll get your life back eventually but it won’t happen overnight. When a child is born a mother is born. It’s a different world for a while. Just focus on acceptance of your new life for now - children do grow up fast believe me, & you’ll have loads of time after this to do the things you enjoy.

When you choose to have children for a limited time only you forego your right to independence - harsh but true. They ask that you sacrifice a lot of yourself to commit to them, in the early years.

She doesn’t get on with him and has more money than him, so marriage is a terrible idea!

I agree. All of these things didn't just "happen", she chose them.
It all sounds very shallow, ungrateful, and immature.

Having babies and becoming a family are enormous, seismic changes to a woman's life. Looking back now, I realise that for years I felt I was grieving for my old life, and for the old me.

To share my experience as it sounds similar to yours, and I'm now many years down the line... I got accidentally pregnant, and although I wanted the baby, I was just starting to question the relationship with DP. I started worrying about being tied to DP. A year after the baby was born we had financial difficulties, a few years later he hid debts from me and lost his job, and for a lot of years, I felt saddled with him and was very resentful about the financial situation. Prior to all this we did have an initial spark and a good sex life and got on well with each other. But during the baby and toddler years I felt trapped, I felt I hadn't chosen well, I should have taken my time etc. I looked at other women with solvent husbands and envied them. And that initial spark and sex stuff - none of that is relevant with young children anyway as your relationship shifts to focus on the kids and on family life.

Fast forward to now, our kids are now late teens and twenties and I am so happy I stayed with him. He did the majority of childcare, housework, washing, cooking etc and I became the main breadwinner. Five years ago he got a full time job which took some of the pressure off me financially.

Every relationship is different but for me, what DP and I have is a deep friendship and bond and the joys of sharing parenting our children. It is so so different from all that twenties flirting, sparking, dating. It's deeper and richer.

You're in the trenches of hardcore parenting right now, I'd suggest waiting a year or several to see how you feel as you adjust to being a mum and a family. I also think that the type of person who makes a good dating partner is sometimes different from the type of person who makes a good person to raise a family with. I don't know what % of people find the person who ticks ALL the boxes!

If he’s this good I think you’ll have a huge shock if you decide to split. It’s not easy on your own. Personally I’d try and work it out. Two little children is really tough my marriage hit rock bottom about this time too but 6m later things are better than ever. I really think it’s worth trying to salvage.

I was in a marriage that was similar in some ways (no intimacy, erectile dysfunction, lack of communication but great dad to the kids) but different in others (his finances weren't a problem). I stayed for 17 years in total as it wasn't terrrible, but it wasn't great either. That kept me in limbo, but in the end I decided I'd be better off on my own, and I am happier. We both have our own houses and co-parent our children successfully together. He is a good friend but nothing more. Ultimately, it sounds like you're staying in this relationship for similar reasons, and because you don't want to burst his happy bubble by leaving. I felt that too. My husband was quite happy with how things were, it was me who struggled. I didn't want to make him unhappy by leaving, and for years I prioritised that over my own happiness. You do get to prioritise yourself, you know. As women, we're socialised not to. If you're worried about the impact on the kids - it's perfectly possible to have a civilised separation that isn't hugely disruptive for them, I know as I have done it. It's a difficult decision to make though. Good luck.

Having small children is exhausting and relentless. Your body is not yet fully recovered. You have, by your own admission, a generally good man to share the load with, the exception being with regard to his financial situation and the sex which he has tried to address with medication.

You have to prioritise your children's wellbeing at least equally with your own - sorry that may be unpopular but it is the reality of being a parent.

I think a lot of what you describe is getting older and the exhaustion of living a demanding life.
Don't give up too soon, give it some time. I'm not saying don't give up ever - there will be far more nuance to your relationship than you have revealed here in your very balanced OP. But it sounds to me like you are still in the thick of the baby phase and most people find that a monumental drudge, single or not.

Hoping you find reflection and compassion in your life. It's never too late.