This isn't me is it?

[WeNeedBees]

I have had so many issues in my marriage with my DH he says I can't be trusted, I don't feel like that is justified at all. I have never cheated, I have never behaved inappropriately or had an emotional affair.

He says I lead men on, I need attention from them, I can't be trusted.

I am losing sight of what is rational here, maybe it is me?

Last nights argument - A guy I did a sporting event with (as a group) last year followed me on Instagram, I accepted and followed him back. Both of us are married. There has been no further interactions, no messages, nothing.

My DH has gone crazy - I am leading this guy on, we will at some point start messaging, I want his attention.

This is fairly typical of the accusations, another example from two weeks ago -

A guy was arranging to cut the grass, there were a few messages back and forth and then we finalised the date/time/cost. Rather than send another message I just reacted to the message with the heart. To my mind that says yes I have seen this message and I am happy with it.

Same thing the next time he was due to come round, he had to change the agreed time so we rearranged and I heart reacted it. My thought process was that DH wouldn't like me prolonging a conversation and that just shut it down whilst accepting.

Apparently this is a sign of how I can' be trusted because the heart react is leading this guy on and giving him the wrong idea.

There are hundreds more examples I could give, all very similar - I don't feel like I behave inappropriately but DH says I can't be trusted.

I can't keep doing this, we are in therapy together but I can't see a way forward.

Is this me? Am I somehow begging for attention? I don't feel like I am leading people on but am I in denial. I feel like this whole thing is insane.

Stop going on about the emojis.
The OP needs to focus on the real problem. She is in an abusive relationship.
Her twat of a husband is using the emoji as a way of keeping her off balance and on the defensive. Don't add to it.
Not just you Erdinger, this is just the one I've landed on.

@WeNeedBees Getting married was the catalyst for my exDH to become very controlling and nasty. About a year after I left him, I had to see him for some paperwork so we chatted for a bit and he said, and I quote: "I thought once we were married, you couldn't leave anymore."

So yeah, marriage just gave him an excuse to behave how he wanted as he had trapped me.

@IceCream889 that is absolutely chilling! So he knew what he was doing.

*I need to keep my resolve and let this be an end to it. He is currently away at work (hence the 66 phone calls) so I have emailed that I would like a divorce and blocked him everywhere.

This needs to be it. This needs to be the end. I can't live through this anymore.*

Well done, OP. That's the first step out of this. Now get some trusted friends and family around you to support you, and a shit hot divorce solicitor.

I think the poster just meant a thumbs up is more appropriate for that' type of message .. which to be fair most ppl use hearts for friends and family not the random cutting the grass.

OP I'm so relieved at your updates. You'll need to stay strong, don't worry about responding to his messages, or hurting his feelings, but please stay safe
You don't think he will get violent but take precautions as if he might. Because you haven't been in the position of really ending it with him before. You don't know how he will react.

Honestly OP I’d be done with him for just one of his red flags, never mind his string of bunting that includes: Obsessively monitoring your social accounts, personal conversations down to emoji reactions, policing what you wear, diagnosing you with mental illnesses, constant need for counselling because he can’t believe it’s him who needs to change.

I wouldn’t even care if he was cheating at this point. These cheating controlling men never change as I know first hand. He’ll wear you down. Don’t stay because you’re embarrassed. Be proud you escaped this mental torture. Get some financial advice and get the ball rolling.

🏃🏽‍♀️

I don't think he would hurt me, he would lose his job if he did and I really don't think he would be violent.

Yes. SIL said this too. She was wrong. You are very likely wrong too.

Incidentally, remember that there's a whole range of physical-adjunct things men like this can do that don't necessarily cross the line into physically hurting you. Some examples in the case of SIL and exBIL: breaking down doors to get to her, taking her things and refusing to return them (keys, phone, clothes, car that I know of, but I've heard of men on here taking medication, money, wallet, passports, and who knows what else), locking her in a room and leaving the house, using threats of physical violence even if he doesn't actually follow through, shoving past her to get into rooms/the house.

You need to accept his thinking is disordered. He thinks he's in the right and that he is a victim. As a pp pointed out, this is worse because no one else has any idea and you have been helping to hide his abuse so he is likely to enlist support against you.

Oh I missed you’ve already decided to move on

Well done OP

💐💕

When he starts to push back you need to TELL him that there WILL BE a divorce. He does not have to agree or give consent.

And be warned, part of his manipulation to get you back under the thumb will be suicide threats (call police to him if he does that so they can deal with it) or a 'cancer scare'. It will all be fake.

Take care of yourself and get an extra lock on the door today - just in case he comes home early from his work trip! xx

If I am the untrustworthy, attention seeking cheat he tells me I am then he will be glad to be free of me you would think!

@GingerIsBest your exBil sounds terrifying.

I will speak with my brother tonight and be honest with him and have him on call should I need him. I doubt it would end up being required but better safe than sorry.

DH (or STBXH) is more concerned with playing the victim to do anything that might spoil his appearance to others.

OP - I have now read all your updates. This guy has done a total number on you. There are so many red flags here. He sounds terribly dangerous even if he never physically hurts you (and there’s no guarantee he won’t). He’s already done you immense emotional and psychological harm - he’s got you believing you are psychologically disordered because you have tried to end the relationship. And occasionally women in your situation have been driven to harm or even kill themselves because they didn’t know how else to get away.

As a PP said, you don’t need his permission to end the relationship - most breakups are not mutual. Do NOT discuss it with him any more. Plan a safe way of ending the relationship ASAP.

It’s not you, but again I wouldn’t use the heart emoji unless to a friend. I use thumbs up to say ‘thanks, understood!’
But I’m Gen X.
However that’s a minor thing he’s picked up on and is definitely controlling, sorry. My dh couldn’t care less if I’m talking to a man etc.

Very good decision!

Now contact a solicitor and tell STBXH that all communication goes through solicitor or—because he can use that to cost you money—get a new phone and new email and leave the old ones as a dummy/decoy. Then only answer them as necessary.

@WeNeedBees oh yes, my exDH used the suicide threats too in the weeks after leaving. I got really drained at one point and said "ok go ahead" and hung upon him. Newsflash: he did NOT do it

Agree with change locks now. He’s the type to cut the work trip short to try to come back and gain control. He’ll tell work there’s an emergency.

If you’re practical you can buy new lock barrel in b and q. Easy to fit. If not, locksmith will come out 24/7 these days will cost around £90.

💐

He's an abusive narcissist OP. Please get out as soon as you can. He is incapable of changing and his behaviour will only escalate. Have just seen your update. That's wonderful! I wish you lots of strength in sticking to it. You can do it. Don't let him confuse and manipulate you anymore.

That is one form of manipulation that I definitely wouldn't fall for. If he threatened suicide (not sure how cos I have blocked him everywhere) I would forward it to his mum and ignore it completely. That kind of emotional manipulation doesn't work on me at all.

No.

As you were otherwise acting completely normally with the gardener and in a boundaried way just putting a heart might be seen as a bit odd and effusive but definitely not leading him on. If you were messaging him randomly or confiding in him inappropriately or inviting a more personal relationship, that might be more grounds for concern but all you have done is message a man to complete a household task for you.

Don't start second-guessing yourself. As someone really helpfully put it on here, so that I remembered it for future use, if you are regularly confused or doubting your own judgement when you have had a conversation with your partner it is a very bad sign. A loving relationship shouldn't have you constantly knocked off balance or questioning yourself.

Deep down you know this it's just that we're programmed to try and put relationships back together and fix things. Don't fall into this trap. From what you have said he sounds controlling and manipulative and as PPs have suggested it is often men who have affairs themselves that accuse their partner of cheating.

Just read your update, really pleased you’ve asked for a divorce and blocked him everywhere, good luck OP!

Thumbs up emoji is mostly only used sarcastically/deliberately to kill the conversation these days. It basically means, "I'm pretending to be polite"

What modality of therapy is this @WeNeedBees?

will get the locks changed. I can drop all of his things at his other property whilst he is away at work. '

DO IT

also speak to Woman's Aid
inform the police what you are doing as he will not be pleased

when is he due back from his work trip

thank goodness he has another property to live in, that makes your life so much easier

do you know you can start your divorce online, it's very easy
https://www.gov.uk/divorce
but I believe you need to have been married one year ?

Your DH is abusive OP. Leave him.

On a separate note, quit with all the heart emojis.