This isn't me is it?

[WeNeedBees]

I have had so many issues in my marriage with my DH he says I can't be trusted, I don't feel like that is justified at all. I have never cheated, I have never behaved inappropriately or had an emotional affair.

He says I lead men on, I need attention from them, I can't be trusted.

I am losing sight of what is rational here, maybe it is me?

Last nights argument - A guy I did a sporting event with (as a group) last year followed me on Instagram, I accepted and followed him back. Both of us are married. There has been no further interactions, no messages, nothing.

My DH has gone crazy - I am leading this guy on, we will at some point start messaging, I want his attention.

This is fairly typical of the accusations, another example from two weeks ago -

A guy was arranging to cut the grass, there were a few messages back and forth and then we finalised the date/time/cost. Rather than send another message I just reacted to the message with the heart. To my mind that says yes I have seen this message and I am happy with it.

Same thing the next time he was due to come round, he had to change the agreed time so we rearranged and I heart reacted it. My thought process was that DH wouldn't like me prolonging a conversation and that just shut it down whilst accepting.

Apparently this is a sign of how I can' be trusted because the heart react is leading this guy on and giving him the wrong idea.

There are hundreds more examples I could give, all very similar - I don't feel like I behave inappropriately but DH says I can't be trusted.

I can't keep doing this, we are in therapy together but I can't see a way forward.

Is this me? Am I somehow begging for attention? I don't feel like I am leading people on but am I in denial. I feel like this whole thing is insane.

Yep, my kids explained this to me when I replied 'ok' to a text.

"Don't text that - it's so rude!"

To them, in text etiquette, it reads as a kind of eye-rolling shrug, and it means 'well, if you say so, but it's not okay'.

"It's hostile!"

I said, "What do you put then, if you actually mean 'okay'?"

Her answer was 'okey'.

"With an E?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

....her boyfriend disagreed. It became a fifteen-minute - and quite good-humoured - argument. I slipped quietly away.

Believe me, it's brutal out there.

good idea. Be very careful however since I’ve heard that some folk consider a ❤️ reply to a gardener’s text message is akin to @WeNeedBees looking to create a gardening post millennial equivalent set up to Lady Chatterly’s Lover

I bet you never had “mood swings” before you met him.

And they are not mood swings. It’s you getting frustrated at being accused of things you are innocent of and being gas lit. His reaction last night calling you so many times is the action of someone who is mentally unhinged.

Save the money you are spending on those useless therapists and find a good therapist of your own to help with your self esteem.

Or use your next session with the joint therapists to say you have decided you want out as it’s not a healthy relationship for you and you now realise it never will be.

It's him, not you.

You can end a relationship for any reason you want. You don't have to justify it or explain it to him. He'll only pretend not to understand anyway.

Rules for what you, a grown woman can wear?
That's nuts. You can wear whatever you want. You're not his fucking property. Seriously op he's a horrible, controlling bastard who is trying to convince you through tactics like shame, guilt, and general mind fuckery, that you are the bad guy. You aren't.

Can you imagine your girl friend saying 'oh my husband shouts at me for wearing a sports bra in the gym' or 'oh my husband accuses me of cheating with my lady therapist'. It's insane. You'd be like 'honey, get the fuck away from the psychopath'.

And of course it ramps up once you are married. Because it was never insecurity. It's control. And once you marry them they think they have you trapped so they get worse.

For a start, those of us who have said that a heart is a bit inappropriate are NOT saying you're leading him on or giving mixed signals. I once said something to our physio therapist which, when I told DH, we agreed was actually very inappropriate. Neither of us, for one second, thought that I'd made some kind of "come hither" pass at the physio and it didn't even occur to us that the physio might have thought that.

Second, I note youi've just sort of brushed past the bit where he leaves for 4 days when you have an argument? What the Actual Fuck? That is batshit.

As for the 66 phone calls....

I think at your next therapy session you should start by saying,

"A man in my sports activity group and I were mutually following each other on instagram. Neither of us have ever interacted outside of that including messages, emojis etc. when H found out, he went ballistic and wanted me to stop following and block this man as I am apparently "leading him on" by following him on instagram and allowing him to follow me. I consider this completely irrational behaviour that is hugely controlling and said no. At which point H called me 66 times in the space of 2 hours while I was attempting to make dinner/put my kids to bed/ have a break. Is there anyone in this room who thinks this is okay? Do I not have the right to follow people on instagram or choose not to answer 66 consecutive calls?"

And then refuse to say another word.

But really, I think you should just call your original therapist, book an emergency appointment, take everything you've said on this thread and tell it to her in the first 10 minutes and say you need help gaining the strength you need to leave this abusive, controlling man.

PS The abuse WILL ramp up. SIL is broken up with her abuser and yet the abuse continues to escalate and has now become physical. You have to get away, and then create ironcast boundaries.

The heart thing is weird though. I wouldn't responds to anyone I don't know with a heart, male or female.

Ok I think we have done the heart emoji to death - lots of people wouldn't use it and lots of people have said they (and others) use it the same way I have. Either way I suspect none of the people on either side of the debate thinks it is code for please bend me over the back gate when you have finished with the lawn. Which is what my DH is implying.

The instagram thing last night, it worries me that he was able to know within 3 days of the guy adding me that A ) I had a new follower and B ) who it was. That suggests he is monitoring it frequently. I couldn't tell you how many followers he has or who they are.

I need to keep my resolve and let this be an end to it. He is currently away at work (hence the 66 phone calls) so I have emailed that I would like a divorce and blocked him everywhere.

This needs to be it. This needs to be the end. I can't live through this anymore.

This is chilling to read. Forget bloody emojis. So not the point.

The husband is frighteningly controlling. The therapists are being useless at best and at worst are trying to prolong the process. They are not helping you.

strongly suggest you do the Freedom programme to get away fro this man and keep yourself and your children safe.

please get away from him, you cannot bring your children up in a household where this level of control is exhibited towards you. Seriously, get him out.

none of this is your fault, you can act to get him out of your life.

I heart react to our builder of several years (lots of renovation projects), with whom I do all the correspondence as DH is busy.

Him: I’ve fixed the velux, your DD should be able to vent the room when she showers next
me ♥️

Him: have put the bins out front and locked up so [my DH] doesn’t have to worry when he gets home
me ♥️

his wife is having chemo/radio so have sent hug emojis and pics of the dogs sleeping on the patio he built.

By your DH’s standing, we’re having an affair and I’m probably pregnant with his twins.

Your DH is gaslighting, controlling, psychologically bullying, deliberately eroding your self esteem and trying to alienate you from other people/men.

I’m not sure therapy is going to fix this. I’d start planning for separation and divorce.

No your not but you will probably find he's cheating, if I were you I would do a bit of digging around!

This sounds like a really untenable situation. You really, really need to get out of this relationship and then continue your therapy alone, but focusing on staying away from him and people like him. Your marriage is young and there’s no shame at all in walking away from it. I wish you strength to do what you need to do.

PS. At work we heart emoji most of the messages between us, we’re a mixed gender team and no one thinks any of us are being inappropriate with each other.

Save your money on the therapists and spend it on a solicitor. He's VERY controlling.

Good luck OP

I don't have the energy to start digging, if he is cheating that is a reflection on him and his morals and not anything lacking in me. It will come to light eventually if that is the case but I don't have the headspace for it.

My ex was when he was accusing me of cheating.

Please have some supportive people around when he gets home. These men often become violent when you decide to leave them.

Atm he probably still thinks he can talk you round though.

You should probably talked with your solicitor before having told him though.

Don't think that just because, for example, a house was yours before you married, he won't be entitled to a share for a start.

Get legal advice ASAP.

His current behaviour sounds like the thin end of the wedge and, talking from experience, it will only get worse now you're married. It is not a failure to leave a marriage that will never work. You owe it to yourself and your children to live your best lives.

Okay, it's good that you appear to have hit the "straw that broke the camel's back" moment here. But you need to be very careful. He has keys to your house - you need to think about whether you need to change these locks as it's a very dangerous time when you try to leave someone controlling like this.

I would also prioritise speaking to a solicitor becuase he' snot just going to go, "okay, I understand, I'll collect my stuff on Tuesday". He is going to threaten you, he's going to scream, he's going to shout. He's probably going to start a smear campaign - so he'll be telling everyone he can that you are unstable, have bipilar, have threatened him. He'll suggest he's worried about you (and your DC). He's going to do everything he can to get people on side and, considering that you have already said he has always behaved impeccably around other people, the chances are a lot of these people are going to believe him.

Do you have real life support? You need to be 100% honest with people you trust. Show them the 66 missed calls. BUT, and this is really important, be prepared.... they will minimise and tell you it's because he loves you or because he's insecure or whatever. You need to be prepared for this. My tip is to write down as many examples you can think of, ideally most recent ones, and keep it handy. Refer to it when you waver. Show it to people if you need to.

Call your therapist too. The original one.

Good luck.

He's projecting his insecurities onto you. You’re not doing anything wrong by having polite interactions. Trust is crucial in a marriage, and he's not giving you that. Therapy might help, but he needs to see his behavior is unreasonable.

Don't be slow to contact the police if needed btw.

@WeNeedBees - not RTFT but you keep saying “there are rules” about things. There are rules about how you sign off messages. There are rules about what you wear. This is utterly abusive. Adults in functional relationships don’t have rules about what their partner wears or what they write in messages. This is a hideous level of control which will destroy you if you don’t get away. Embarrassment is irrelevant to this.

Btw: it’s very common for abusers to cultivate a very respectable public image. It makes it easier for them to abuse behind closed doors because no-one believes it of them. It shows just how calculating abusers can be.

Oh, and screen shot his messages now. He probably won't delete them becuase in his head, they are totally rational. but just in case. Screenshot the endless times he's sent you streams of messages inw hich he accuses you of cheating/leading people on etc, where he doesnt' listen to you. Where he calls you names (i bet there are loads fo those).

I don't tell anyone in RL what he is like because I am embarrassed that I have ended up in this situation.

I don't think he would hurt me, he would lose his job if he did and I really don't think he would be violent.

Would be silly of me not to expect him to kick of and not make a fuss of course but I am going to google grey rock. I have blocked him literally everywhere I can think of and will get the locks changed. I can drop all of his things at his other property whilst he is away at work.

Good luck @WeNeedBees , have you got support around you (Family, friends)?
Keep your eyes on the prize: freedom to be yourself, it is so worth it.
If you can, and want to, please keep us posted,

Well done on the divorce decision!
Remember what a PP said that you don’t need his permission to end the marriage.
As ever on these kinds of threads, do bear in mind that abuse often gets worse at the point of break up. Do you have suitable male relatives or friends who could be on call just in case? Perhaps the police would flag your house as a possible site of trouble.
However I hope you soon feel much better. You’re obviously a fitness fanatic so maybe focusing on that will help get you through.