This isn't me is it?

[WeNeedBees]

I have had so many issues in my marriage with my DH he says I can't be trusted, I don't feel like that is justified at all. I have never cheated, I have never behaved inappropriately or had an emotional affair.

He says I lead men on, I need attention from them, I can't be trusted.

I am losing sight of what is rational here, maybe it is me?

Last nights argument - A guy I did a sporting event with (as a group) last year followed me on Instagram, I accepted and followed him back. Both of us are married. There has been no further interactions, no messages, nothing.

My DH has gone crazy - I am leading this guy on, we will at some point start messaging, I want his attention.

This is fairly typical of the accusations, another example from two weeks ago -

A guy was arranging to cut the grass, there were a few messages back and forth and then we finalised the date/time/cost. Rather than send another message I just reacted to the message with the heart. To my mind that says yes I have seen this message and I am happy with it.

Same thing the next time he was due to come round, he had to change the agreed time so we rearranged and I heart reacted it. My thought process was that DH wouldn't like me prolonging a conversation and that just shut it down whilst accepting.

Apparently this is a sign of how I can' be trusted because the heart react is leading this guy on and giving him the wrong idea.

There are hundreds more examples I could give, all very similar - I don't feel like I behave inappropriately but DH says I can't be trusted.

I can't keep doing this, we are in therapy together but I can't see a way forward.

Is this me? Am I somehow begging for attention? I don't feel like I am leading people on but am I in denial. I feel like this whole thing is insane.

OP this sounds like the definition of an controlling unhealthy relationship.
What kind of example is it setting for your kids - crazy.
It sounds like he’s judging you by his own standards, does he cheat ?
I don’t know how you can stay and keep your sanity

OP, forget about the heart emojis, you’re being controlled and gaslighted. Your husband is abusive to you and hiding it from everyone else. You haven’t lead anyone on at all and even if people are saying that a heart emoji is maybe not appropriate they are NOT saying your DH is right….please do not go down this rabbit hole because it fits your DH’s narrative.
Get yourself your own therapist for help to get out of this awful,awful marriage.
P.S stop using the heart emoji and see what else he comes up with to accuse you, because he will.

Can everyone stop fixating on the fucking heart emoji? Have any of you read OP’s subsequent posts?

forget whether the heart emoji is odd or not - this man is policing OP’s phone, social life, clothes etc etc.

@WeNeedBees i hope you are getting the idea that this man is horribly abusive. And I have to say your therapists sound appalling too.

Hi OP,
You are not an idiot. You don't have mood swings. I know because I have been a secondary school teacher for 25 years.
When we split up with someone it is one of times when we act completely on our own. The other person is usually displeased or very upset or even taken by surprise. In my experience they never agree pleasantly.
I'm just a random Internet person, but I would say spend some time in your head imagining what it would be like to wake up in your home tomorrow with this man gone. Focus on that. Then you can work on making it happen!

He sounds awful and I cannot believe you would have him living with your children. Is this what you want them to think a normal relationship is like? Is this the kind of relationship you want them to stay in when they grow up or the way you want them to treat others? Get out, if not for yourself then before he inflicts more damage on the way your children view healthy relationships. You don’t need his permission to end the relationship, kick him out and block him.

It is not you. It will never get any better. No amount of therapy will make it get better.

It is abuse.

Given the extreme levels of control he is exercising OP, of course your children will be aware of what's happening and this is a dangerous thing for them to witness.
Your prime responsibility is to protect them and that means protecting yourself from this highly controlling and manipulative man. You need to end it - now.
Change the locks, block him on every possible channel and use some of those therapists to help you re establish your own understanding of safe boundaries and your own self esteem.

It will be tough but this is no way for your children or you to live.

I’m not sure how we can help really. If everyone here thinks you are being abused and DH is batshit (which is all true by the way) there seems to be something stopping you from taking action.

Unfortunately you can’t issue divorce proceedings until you have been married for a year, but you can see a solicitor and get it all ready.

Life is short, please don’t waste it with this piece of shit loser.

Please leave your husband and change your therapists. They sound like they're colluding. It's totally impossible to see the wood from the trees as they're not talking to you objectively with your husband there too. Despite all the other details which I've read, no one seems to be on your side and they're bringing you down.

Get out of that marriage, save your sanity and yourself.

I agree with this, thumbs up means 'okay', and acknowledgement and agreement: why, and when, did thumbs up become passive aggressive? How is it passive aggressive? Genuinely want to know!

This.
Jesus Christ some of you are fixating on a fucking heart emoji when the woman is in a relationship with a man who is some sort of poster boy for abusive partners. HE is the problem not a ❤️ on a text message.
@WeNeedBees don’t feel like you need to explain yourself for this. There is no explaining to do. What you need to do is end this relationship. Now.

100% agree.
👍 for everything to signify I agree.
❤️ reserved strictly for close family and DP.

What I meant was that the therapists aren't on your side (I didn't mean that people on MN weren't on your side). Badly phrased.

(sorry did not intend to derail thread: I agree with others: it's not you, it's him)

@Pudmyboy do you honestly think that’s the most important issue that needs sorting out here? Really?

Heart or thumbs up, it's a moot point because in a happy, respectful and loving relationship you could use either and it wouldn't even 'be' a point to discuss.

Point in case, I'm talking up a male customer via teams, I've just answered a question and he's put a heart emoji on the message. I wfh and my dh often sees my work messages and not once has he commented on the fact some people heart my messages.

As a pp said, he doesn't have to agree to separate or divorce, if you want it he doesn't have to agree

@WeNeedBees this is really frightening to read. You absolutely have to get rid of him. He is dangerous.

I did then post that I did not intend to derail the thread! Of course it's not the most important thing! The OP is clearly in an abusive relationship and I fully agree with those saying as much!
Yet, the use of a heart emoji was mentioned as a cause of friction in the original post, and I have never heard of a thumbs up being passive aggressive
Edited as missed 'thumbs up'

As a reaction it’s absolutely fine. I’m sure the gardener won’t think you are dying of lust over a reaction.
I think anyone who gets in a twist over emojis needs to get a life. My window cleaner always lets me know when he’s on his way and puts a kiss next to the message. My ex boss (male) used to put them on his messages. Both happily married men who had no interest in me in that way.
I am more wary of men I feel a sense of unease around.
The therapy sessions sound like an absolute nightmare - you would be better off seeing someone one-to-one.
You are almost living in a personal prison with this man. I know some people don’t agree with following members of the opposite sex on socials and emojis but either you are a cheater or you or not.
Don’t worry about feeling a failure after a year of marriage. Many people on here have stayed in marriages for years and decades knowing it wasn’t right almost straight away. You do know.

Take the message that resinated YOU DO NOT NEED HIS AGREEMENT TO END THE RELATIONSHIP.

And run.

I read your posts out to my husband. He said ' He will end up trying to kill her'. Please leave.

We helped a friend get away from a man like this, she was supported by Women's Aid who were brilliant. he convinced her that he was reasonable and she was not. When she got away he took her to court to say she was too mentally ill to look after her kids and he wanted custody. He told everyone me and my husband were paedophiles after the children. He reported everyone involved to social services. In the end he was not allowed to see even his own children but it was horrible. He made a big deal of being lovely to the kids but was actually mentally torturing them and they all hated him in the end.

Please get out for yourself, and for your kids who will grow up thinking this is how to treat your partner.

Good shout actually, I might start reacting with different fruit 🍇 🍋‍🟩 or maybe plants 🌴🍀 just to mix it up a bit.

100% agree. If you need to think about whether a thumbs up or a heart react is more appropriate in case it upsets your other half you need to take a look at your relationship.

It's NOT you
It's all him

Of course your multiple counsellors are leading him gently to the realisation that he's abusive - wouldn't want to cut off a source of income too soon, would they? (And by the way, he will NEVER see that he is in the wrong)

Seen it many times on here - men accusing innocent women of cheating because it's what they would do, and frequently already are doing.

It takes two people to agree to be in a marriage or a relationship. If one changes their mind, then there is no relationship. A bit like sex really when you think about it. One person says no and the whole event should be off.
You can throw the bastard out and file for divorce online yourself today if you want to.

Wishing you strength to move towards you better future.