Just found my partner...on badoo

[FeelingLost86]

I'm sitting on the sofa In tears... I just found badoo messages pop up on my partners phone (he's asleep in bed)
He's been on there on and off since August last year... even around November when my nan passed away... even messages over Xmas
This isn't the first time either and I don't know what to do, I don't know why I stick around, I love him but I hate him

What am I going to do.
I was so tempted to just wake him up and kick him out now
(I was looking for his keys to take the door key off him) but can't see where he's put them
So maybe do that in morning... his alarm is usually set for 5am for work...

I'm just feeling so lost.
I've took him back again and again and I'm worried I will again (I'm weak) as I can't be on my own and start again...

@FeelingLost86 you need to get rid of all his stuff (or arrange someone to collect it) and then break contact. Otherwise you’re just waiting for him to get in touch, leaving you anxious again.

I dont know anyone
He has no friends, don't even know where he lives now. So I dint know what else to do.
I'm going to keep packing more stuff as much as I can.

Just a reminder op, when you told him it was over - he threatened to get the rspca to take away your pets.

He's a total monster.
A complete sicko.

I dgaf if he acted nice sometimes. Anyone can act nice. But no-one even normal level decent would do what he did. Or make threats like that.

The person you miss was never real. You miss the good person he pretended to be in order to keep you trapped and ignoring the real (horrible) him.

His actions even before you split were manipulative. Lying, cheating, constantly checking up on you at home whilst at work (disguised as liking to talk to you perhaps - but it was actually just standard controlling behaviour. Needing to always be the centre of attention).

You loved a character he sometimes played. Not the actual the actor. The mask he wore, not the real him.

And that is really hard to come to terms with. But it's important to do so. So that he never creeps back in in one of your weaker moments.

Good people never really say or do evil things (they'd certainly never make vindictive threats about your pets!) But evil people often pretend to be good. He is an evil person. Don't be fooled into thinking he has layers or some such shit. Don't let him con you again.

Earlier I was thinking maybe I over reacted by kicking him out... maybe if we just 'talked' we would still be together and I wouldn't be feeling like this

I know I know, it's stupid

I'd be posting on here all the same in 3..6... months time about same thing again

It's just hard and going to be a long time to get over him and not love him, or the idea of him

And the process of sorting our stuff, it's not as easy as just packing his stuff, wish it was

You’ve pretty much made it through the weekend, so you’re doing fantastically well.

Onto a new week!

Thank you, just back from bingo, on my own! I cried again!! As usual! As we used to go together.
But I used to go to bingo on my own for years before I met him so can do it again
Just felt strange being back on my own again

Monday again tomorrow, he will be back at work, i got 2 days off to keep busy, pack, tidy the house before back at work!
Getting there slowly

Good ! Keep going.

How are you doing OP? Hope you've had a positive couple of days

Struggling but getting thru it
He hasn't mentioned anything about collecting any items
He randomly messaged yesterday after no contact for days. Seems (or so he says) he hasn't been to work, can't be bothered, what's the point in working, what's the point in life etc
Maybe wants me to feel sorry for him
Or if its true
Hasn't mentioned about meeting up or collecting things etc so he isn't bothered just feeling sorry for himself

@FeelingLost86 you need to block him. This continued contact is not good for you. Can you arrange to take his stuff to his friend or family?

Did he ask how you were or was he just wallowing in his own self pity?

You'll start to feel better sooner than you think. You just need to get through the tough days and you'll be grand. I promise ❤️

@FeelingLost86 please stay on your own for a while and get your mojo back- guys like this are two a penny and total losers- you spy them on nights out trying to chat women up when you know full well they have a partner at home- they don't have much going for them so aim to get a boost by snagging or messaging women- even when they have someone's nice as you already in their life- it's better to be on your own having fun than latch onto one of these disloyal tossers who just use nice women to boost their life and often their lifestyle

He has no friends and no family so literally have no where can drop anything off, Just packing up what I can and sorting the house out now and will store it in spare room

He's not arranging to collect his stuff intentionally.

Get rid of it. You need a clean break to be able to heal and move on.

So message him. Tell him you have packed his stuff and he can collect it from outside your house on X or Y day. Or drop it off at his work (which I bet he has been going to and telling you he hasn't for sympathy).

Any connection to him is going to stop you from getting the closure you need.

Agree with this. All this lingering isn't going to help your mental health OP. Taking it to his place of work is a genius idea if you don't know where he's living. Make it his problem instead of yours

Yep. Agree with the posters above. Give him a solid deadline (no need to make it impossible to hit; a couple of weeks or so) and make it clear that it all goes to the charity shop if he hasn’t collected it. Then 100% stick to it. Finish your relationship with “if you want your stuff it’s at Oxfam on the high street” then block.

Guarantee he will call you all the names under the sun and be bad mouthing you to all and sundry. Which says absolutely nothing about you and everything about him. Classic gaslighter.

I agree. In a past relationship I had a similar issue with some items, it doesn't help to have things hanging about as it keeps a connection so conversation continues when a clean break is best.

Right now he thinks he's coming back - so why would he bother sorting out his stuff? You're an easy mark in his head - he can F around like this and come back. This time it has to be done, and it will be a message to him in so many ways, once he no longer has anything at your place, it's done and dusted. One week to collect then donate, or drop off at his work on a specific date. Then follow through. Then book a treat for yourself.

I don't even know exactly where he works
Only been there a few weeks too
He said he's quit now too (but bet he hasnt)

I tried to arrange to meet him, he said he doesn't think it's a good idea, we won't work. So he knows its over, he's rhe one who doesn't want to come back
I said it's not about that we just got stuff to sort out
I left it with him and said think about it and let me know
And then heard nothing, not a no, yes maybe

So I'm leaving it now, I'm not chasing him or asking again, don't want to look desperate
He's the one last week who agreed would still be in contact/friends for now
But isn't working

I'm still packing the house of his things (I'm disabled too so taking a while)
That's why I wanted to work together
He doesn't want to come back
Neither do I, so why can't we work together and get it all done

This will he/won't he situation is probably eating away at you and makes it difficult for you to move on.

How about giving him a deadline to collect before you call in-house clearance.
But make sure you have someone with you when he arrives.
Or if that is not an option.

Hire a man with a van to take all his stuff to a storage rental. Pay for two weeks maybe, a month at the utmost. Send him the invoice and say the rental payment ends on x date so he can collect it from there. Say in the message you cannot take any further responsibilty for his stuff and please don't contact again. Being friends is clearly not working and lets him think he can walk back in whenever it suits him. You need a clean break.

Imagine how great it will feel when you get rid of all that clutter and your house is your own again - all that extra space and no reminders of ex... The autumn sales will be on by then you could get a few bits to brighten it up and make it more your own.

you’re not enough for him? It’s hard but if he checking other women out on websites then he isn’t entirely happy with you. Do you want all that drama with him forever? Believe me it’s not worth it

Finding it very hard this weekend .
No contact is hard especially at weekends as he's not working weekends and we are usually doing loads stuff together
Can't stop thinking about him and how he feels. Because I'm still hurting.

It's hard op and the best thing you can do is keep yourself distracted.
Can you meet anyone? Visit a family member? Invite someone over? Meet up with someone for a coffee or a walk?

I feel down and don't feel like company today as I'm upset. But been keeping busy the rest the weekend.
Last message was Friday saying he will message Saturday when to put his stuff outside... then nothing

You're missing who you thought he was or who you hoped he was. He wasn't any of that in reality. The real him is awful and uncaring.

Do you have friends who's shoulder you can cry on?
You're going through a tough time and some support might help.

Also, you're feeling bad because you're in an alert mode, waiting for a message for him.
This is why people say to block. It's freeing.
Block him. If you can't right now then switch your notifications off and give yourself a rest from waiting for crumbs of contact.