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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found my partner...on badoo

171 replies

FeelingLost86 · 01/08/2024 23:17

I'm sitting on the sofa In tears... I just found badoo messages pop up on my partners phone (he's asleep in bed)
He's been on there on and off since August last year... even around November when my nan passed away... even messages over Xmas
This isn't the first time either and I don't know what to do, I don't know why I stick around, I love him but I hate him

What am I going to do.
I was so tempted to just wake him up and kick him out now
(I was looking for his keys to take the door key off him) but can't see where he's put them
So maybe do that in morning... his alarm is usually set for 5am for work...

I'm just feeling so lost.
I've took him back again and again and I'm worried I will again (I'm weak) as I can't be on my own and start again...

OP posts:
SamW98 · 15/08/2024 21:42

OP he’s turning everything back on you and that’s a form of abuse so every time you feel sad for the good times remember he really isn’t a nice person.

It’s hard of course it is but just keep thinking of the shit he put you through and know that in time you’ll realise how toxic this time of your life was.

Original poster
FeelingLost86 · 15/08/2024 21:50

I think maybe i just wanted him to feel regret or be upset like I am, and how much I'm hurting because of him
I want him to realise what he's lost

But I don't think he ever will
Prob just chilling in a hotel, having a drink and talking to whoever he wants Or even moved on already

Think it's because gone from loads of messages even bad ones to v little contact over last 2 days makes me miss him and makes me wonder how he is, what's he doing etc
It's hard to get him off my mind

OP posts:
Crucible · 15/08/2024 21:51

Oh love. The nice bloke/nasty bloke is just a nasty bloke pretending occasionally to get something he wants.

SamW98 · 15/08/2024 21:53

Crucible · 15/08/2024 21:51

Oh love. The nice bloke/nasty bloke is just a nasty bloke pretending occasionally to get something he wants.

Absolutely this. The lovely partner you’ve put on a pedestal doesn’t exist - he’s a nasty abusive wolf in sheep’s clothing when it suits him.

Original poster
FeelingLost86 · 15/08/2024 22:03

It's the fun the laughs the bingo, bowling, meals out, trips to seaside, car boot sales, random drives, all fun stuff we keep busy and do loads together every weekend is what I miss

Then it's the dreading coming home when I'm on a late shift as dont know if he's had a drink
Can't wait till Monday morning so he's off to work
Or 7pm in the week waiting for him to fall asleep so I can go in the bedroom, watch what I want and have a good sleep

Need to keep telling myself the reasons it's no good

My family love him too as he can be lovely (again when he wants to be, as a people pleaser) but they also hate it when he treats me bad

Just wish the 'good' was all the time
He does have bpd and not on meds which doesn't help either

OP posts:
spicysamosahotcupoftea · 15/08/2024 22:38

The good will never be good all of the time, with anyone.

However it can be much better than it has been.

Just not with him.

He's got no respect for you.

And all the bullshit about ending his life? He hasn't got the balls.

Keep going. You will be on the other side of this soon and you won't look back x

Original poster
FeelingLost86 · 16/08/2024 14:23

I still can't believe we are actually over for good

Never thought I'd hear myself say it because I loved him so much

Then think of all the bad things and so many mixed emotions

OP posts:
Zonder · 17/08/2024 02:22

Keep reminding yourself of the bad things.

BananaLambo · 17/08/2024 04:03

You really need to do the Freedom Program to help free yourself form the Stockholm Syndrome type fig you’re in. He’s an abuser, and you would not have a happy life if you went back to him.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 17/08/2024 04:51

It’s hard but you have to go through all the emotions. The end of a relationship is a loss so the aftermath is like a bereavement —- and that’s a long rollercoaster of emotions.
Your ex has followed the Script. Tried to turn it round on you, that didn’t work. Tried the love bombing messages, that’s not worked. Then the poor me, my life is ruined sob sob. Now cutting the messages to you. He’ll try anything to make out he’s not the bad person here, because he knows he is.
You’re bound to remember anything that was good. When you’re in a shit relationship you have to look for something good in it. But that wasn’t really him. He’s very selfish, completely self centred and only interested in his own needs.
Keep going, you will begin to see life is better without him, less stressful, less worrying.

Lilly3024 · 17/08/2024 05:50

Allthehorsesintheworld · 17/08/2024 04:51

It’s hard but you have to go through all the emotions. The end of a relationship is a loss so the aftermath is like a bereavement —- and that’s a long rollercoaster of emotions.
Your ex has followed the Script. Tried to turn it round on you, that didn’t work. Tried the love bombing messages, that’s not worked. Then the poor me, my life is ruined sob sob. Now cutting the messages to you. He’ll try anything to make out he’s not the bad person here, because he knows he is.
You’re bound to remember anything that was good. When you’re in a shit relationship you have to look for something good in it. But that wasn’t really him. He’s very selfish, completely self centred and only interested in his own needs.
Keep going, you will begin to see life is better without him, less stressful, less worrying.

This! God I love the script, I think they all learn it at bellend school. “I love you so much I’m so sorry”…. “I can’t believe you’re ending it over this, you’re so selfish” the latter is the real him, listen to it.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s rough. As others have said I don’t think the lovely version of him exists. That’s what you need to come to terms with.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I promise one day you will look back and think “what the fuck was I doing??” I’m excited for you to get to that place because if you keep going without him you 100% will get there

FlippyFloppyShoe · 17/08/2024 06:13

You need to realise that it doesn't matter how much you loved him, he didn't love you else he wouldn't have treated you like that.
I don't understand why you are still getting messages/communicating with him. You have no children together you can easily block him and focus on yourself and your life moving forward where you don't have this drama and emotional turmoil, which isn't part of a loving relationship.

Tiredalwaystired · 17/08/2024 06:46

You are doing BRILLIANTLY.

You say it’s your first relationship - well just you wait till you have a GOOD one instead of an only one!

I’ve been where you have been. I’ve felt the guilts of leaving a shithead. The scales do eventually fall I promise, and the best thing is you will now know what you DONT want from a relationship. I’ve been married now for almost 19 years to a wonderful man who is everything my ex wasnt. Focus on looking forwards not backwards. Make at least three nice plans for the week ahead without him. They can be small things but they need to be stuff you want to do, especially if you haven’t been able to do them since he has been around.

Keep repeating this. Lean on your friends. They’ve got you.

And re read every single single one of these posts where you talk about what an awful man he is. You deserve the world. Go and take it. X

witsendhelppleaae · 17/08/2024 06:58

Doubleender · 02/08/2024 00:10

Is badoo a booty call app? Castration while he sleeps is the only option.

It's a dating app but in this day and age could be used for a fling

WizardOfAus · 17/08/2024 07:30

Please do the Freedom Programme x

Original poster
FeelingLost86 · 17/08/2024 08:45

Thank you all for the replies, it's helped a lot
Yesterday he have moved into his room with a friends house or somewhere
Last night was hard for me, so coming home knowing he won't be there (mind you he's usually drunk and asleep on Friday when I get home)
Weekends will be the hardest as we always did so much weekends
And now I'm thinking, who's he with, where is he, is he upset like me etc

I know I shouldn't even care but just wonder how he feels
Plus my great auntie passed away last night and I'm emotional and the first person I want to be with is him.

Still need to pack up all his clothes and stuff now

OP posts:
Fluffytoebeanz · 17/08/2024 08:53

It's a very sad and emotional time for you, but think about what your auntie would want for you - she'd want you to be happy and not walked over I'm sure.

It's going to feel like one step forward, three steps back but eventually you will be moving forward more and more. It's ok to be sad, it's ok to be angry, it's ok to think of the good times and the bad. But put you first, and your kids

Fannyfiggs · 17/08/2024 09:37

@FeelingLost86 it's gonna be hard but you'll wake up one day and you'll feel absolutely fine. It's just getting through the hard days that's a pain in the ass.

You deserve so much better. A relationship should always enhance your life in every way, not make you feel sad or not good enough. Fuck that, life is too short.

For now, be your own best friend and be gentle with yourself. You deserve the best and he ain't it ❤️

Tiredalwaystired · 17/08/2024 09:42

If you start to feel sad today get a notebook and make a list of ALLLL his bad points, from the very worst to the mildly annoying.

He picks his toenails?! Ewwww

He always talks through your favourite tv show?! What a dick!

Make the list as long as you possibly can. And enjoy doing it. If it leaves you either angry or laughing it’s done its job. Enjoy your lovely Saturday without his drama!

Ohnobackagain · 17/08/2024 13:18

@FeelingLost86 stay strong. This is anxiety giving you the ‘what if’ and ‘who?’. It doesn’t matter. He is an a-hole and you deserve better. Think of the drama-free times you can have. Being on your own without drama is honestly better. We’re all here to encourage you at times like this xx

Original poster
FeelingLost86 · 17/08/2024 13:47

Ohnobackagain · 17/08/2024 13:18

@FeelingLost86 stay strong. This is anxiety giving you the ‘what if’ and ‘who?’. It doesn’t matter. He is an a-hole and you deserve better. Think of the drama-free times you can have. Being on your own without drama is honestly better. We’re all here to encourage you at times like this xx

Thank you!!
He was a very needy person and people pleaser when he wants
At work he used to ring me several times a day

I don't know if he loved me properly or I was just someone who was giving him attention and always after more hence why going online
It wasn't one person, it was anyone who would give him attention back

I still wonder if he misses me and upset
Or just moved on and trying to get attention elsewhere
I still miss all the fun and laughs and stuff we did together

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingLost86 · 18/08/2024 14:18

Wow.... weekends are hard
I went to the cinema this morning... on my own.... when I came out, I cried my eyes out!!!
I wish this pain would go away and that he's constantly on my mind.

OP posts:
Fannyfiggs · 18/08/2024 15:08

I know it's hard but keep being strong, you'll get there.

You are doing great, even though it might not feel like it right now, and remember, you deserve much better than him ❤️

Original poster
FeelingLost86 · 18/08/2024 19:25

Thank you, still wonder where he is, how he's feeling and what he's doing
I know I shouldn't but can't help it
We did so much together espesh weekends.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingLost86 · 18/08/2024 19:27

Thought he might be in contact to get some stuff this weekend but nothing just a random how are you, what you up to and slow reply for hours. So gets me over thinking, what's he so busy doing or who with to slow reply etc

So I've told him to only contact me when you want to pick up anything .

OP posts: