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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found my partner...on badoo

171 replies

FeelingLost86 · 01/08/2024 23:17

I'm sitting on the sofa In tears... I just found badoo messages pop up on my partners phone (he's asleep in bed)
He's been on there on and off since August last year... even around November when my nan passed away... even messages over Xmas
This isn't the first time either and I don't know what to do, I don't know why I stick around, I love him but I hate him

What am I going to do.
I was so tempted to just wake him up and kick him out now
(I was looking for his keys to take the door key off him) but can't see where he's put them
So maybe do that in morning... his alarm is usually set for 5am for work...

I'm just feeling so lost.
I've took him back again and again and I'm worried I will again (I'm weak) as I can't be on my own and start again...

OP posts:
Soonenough · 02/08/2024 03:07

All the threats are just that. Let him call police , let him say whatever he wants about his items . Just because he says anything does not mean it is true.

Any joint accounts? Take your money out and open a sole account.

Just get rid of him . Pack up his essentials and the rest can be sorted later.

greengreyblue · 02/08/2024 03:42

What would you tell your daughter to do?
LTB

Original poster
FeelingLost86 · 02/08/2024 05:09

He's gone!

He woke up about gone 4 and came into the lounge as usual, he saw his keys and no house key, I mentioned he's been on badoo and gave him a bag and told him to leave

He casually didn't say anything, had a fag etc
Then Said a few nasty things
Now his letter in his bag is missing and he's now reporting it stolen as I obviously took it according to him
He's going to report me to rspca and get the rabbits rehomed etc

Now the hard part.
Ignoring him, or packing his stuff and anymore communication

Been gone 2 mins and already 1 text and 1 call and a voicemail
It's going to be a lonnng day
Last time was away, it was dozens and dozens calls, texts, voicemails etc
He even called an ambulance to me to check on me as I told him to leave me alone and didn't reply to him

I usually get called all sorts and end up getting upset trying to defend myself

OP posts:
Ilovecashews · 02/08/2024 05:18

You’ve got to do this, for yourself. You are worth so much more than him. Don’t let him drag you into his hell. Again.

keeponandonandon · 02/08/2024 05:51

Just tell him you will put his stuff somewhere and when, and block him or put it all in the caravan/ garages and block him. Don't get into conversation with him as you're just prolonging the agony.

BananaLambo · 02/08/2024 06:03

Block him. You don’t have to receive any calls or texts you don’t want to. Who owns the stuff in the garages? Who pays the rent for them? How can you get rid as quickly and cheaply as possible? You owe this man nothing. He owes your mum thousands. He’s cheating on you and he’s abusive. You won’t feel it at the moment but you are doing yourself a massive favour. The first steps is the hardest, but you’re over the line.

BananaLambo · 02/08/2024 06:11

And you don’t have to defend yourself - he’s just looking for a reaction so he can reel you back in. I’d also put money on him not being alone when he spent 4 nights in the hotel. He may even have engineered the argument so he could leave to have sex with other women. When he starts calling you names again (and he will) dont try to defend yourself or retaliate. Just let your brain take a step back and grey rock (look this up) him. It will make you less likely to get pulled back in to this horrible abusive relationship.

MoveToParis · 02/08/2024 06:20

Now block him on everything, and your share of the money.

kayla12345 · 02/08/2024 06:25

Block him on everything and if he turns up report him to the police

Your mum can peruse to get her money back through a small claims court - let her handle that.

Do not contact this scum bag. Not only is he a cheat but he's manipulative and abusive

Ohhmydays · 02/08/2024 06:31

keeponandonandon · 02/08/2024 05:51

Just tell him you will put his stuff somewhere and when, and block him or put it all in the caravan/ garages and block him. Don't get into conversation with him as you're just prolonging the agony.

Definitely this op

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/08/2024 06:41

FeelingLost86 · 01/08/2024 23:55

The amount of times I've been called a cheat by him over the years too. And with his drinking... there's been so much shit.
I know no one else would have him and put up with him. I don't know why I do..

Usually I would just wake him up and kick him out

Even last week he was in a hotel for 4 nights after an argument which he was nasty for days
It's not like he even tries to make it better

I just know splitting up will be draining. We have so much stuff together
He owes my mum thousands which she won't get back now

I don't know why but I will feel sorry for him, will end up in hotels, costing more money, prob drink more and if he loses his job... etc
Even tho its not my fault
Just been such a shame and wasted 4 years
He's gone from nothing, shared houses n no money to getting his driving licence back, job, hgv, holidays all sorts

Just for him to throw it away

I’m wondering if the argument was orchestrated so that he could justify spending 4 days in a hotel to meet up with women. Either way, I’m glad he’s gone. Please let him be gone for good. You’ll get lots of support here to help you stand firm.

CatsLikeBoxes · 02/08/2024 06:54

Write a message stating you want him to stop contacting you, and if he continues you'll report him to the police. If he continues, it will be harassment and you can report him for it.
Relationships should enhance your life. Your partner should be a person who is kind and cares about your happiness. That is not this man.

Oldraver · 02/08/2024 07:09

Where is the caravan ? I'd put all his stuff in there if it's possible

whatafaf · 02/08/2024 07:15

As pp said block him. You don't need to see his threats. If he wants to report you scan deal with that. Ask your mum to block him too.

Let him go to the police. We had to do this to recover BIL's property from his wife. The police were very nice and respectful to both us and his wife. We felt protected from false allegations whilst they were there (we provided suitcases and waited down the road).

He's got himself on his feet and having holidays and all sorts whilst owing thousands to your mum? Why on earth has your mum been lending him these sums?

Onehotday · 02/08/2024 07:21

What a mess.

Tell him you're quits money wise because you've got to sell all his crap to pay your mum back.

Block him and call the police if necessary.

Lairymary · 02/08/2024 07:21

Take the day off work. Bag up his shit, put it in the caravan. If you pay for storage then stop paying and let him deal with it (but tell him). Cut your losses. Let your mum deal with what he owes through small claims. If he says "you owe me my rent etc" tell him you'll put it towards what he owes your mum. You mean business. Annnnd block. So what if he calls RSPCA, assuming they are well cared for then there's no problem.

SamW98 · 02/08/2024 07:37

Now he’s gone make sure it stays that way.

This is no way yo live OP. The constant drama is exhausting. Your life won’t uom
is an absolute car crash and will continue to be until you raise your bar and refuse to accept being treated like shit.

Do what you can to get rid of his stuff and disentangle your lives. Your mum may have to write her money off but that’s a price worth paying to get this abusive cunt out of your lives for good.

Lilysgoneshopping · 02/08/2024 07:42

Everything he's done, he's done it to himself.
He is not your problem. Please don't let this horror of a man back in. His debt to your mum is his responsibility.
He sounds a bit like my ex , a liar a cheat and a thief with no regard for anyone else's feelings.The best days work I ever dod was getting rid of him

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 02/08/2024 07:43

FeelingLost86 · 02/08/2024 05:09

He's gone!

He woke up about gone 4 and came into the lounge as usual, he saw his keys and no house key, I mentioned he's been on badoo and gave him a bag and told him to leave

He casually didn't say anything, had a fag etc
Then Said a few nasty things
Now his letter in his bag is missing and he's now reporting it stolen as I obviously took it according to him
He's going to report me to rspca and get the rabbits rehomed etc

Now the hard part.
Ignoring him, or packing his stuff and anymore communication

Been gone 2 mins and already 1 text and 1 call and a voicemail
It's going to be a lonnng day
Last time was away, it was dozens and dozens calls, texts, voicemails etc
He even called an ambulance to me to check on me as I told him to leave me alone and didn't reply to him

I usually get called all sorts and end up getting upset trying to defend myself

Well done!

Every time he says or does anything just repeat to yourself (or to his face) 'I am SO happy I don't have to put up with this anymore'.

Fannyfiggs · 02/08/2024 07:47

What a guy eh?

Well done for getting your key back. Please keep him out of your life, he doesn't care about anyone or anything apart from himself. He's not your responsibility and he's an adult so can look after himself.

Keep strong 💪

DullFanFiction · 02/08/2024 07:56

Last time was away, it was dozens and dozens calls, texts, voicemails etc
He even called an ambulance to me to check on me as I told him to leave me alone and didn't reply to him

Thats harrassement
if he is playing that game again, send him a quick message to tell him to stop or you’ll report him to the police. And then do it if he carries on!
Of he is, as you say getting nasty, then you need to protect yourself.

ElephantilonZed · 02/08/2024 07:58

If you stay with him, you've got almost zero chance of finding a great partner in your life.

If you leave, you open the door to a happy relationship, even if you have to be single for a bit.

LivelyMintViper · 02/08/2024 09:09

You sound so beaten and sad, my heart bleeds for you. Find your strength. A better tomorrow is out there. Just hold on.

Original poster
FeelingLost86 · 02/08/2024 09:11

Thank you everyone for your advice and support.
Trying to stay strong

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 02/08/2024 09:35

If he knows your email address, block him on everything else. One short message to say communication via email only.
Let him try and report you to whoever he likes, it's a threat and nothing more, he would actually look very stupid to any authorities.
Then, enjoy your 25% council tax rebate. If he's a hoarder ( sounds like it) enjoy getting your house back the way you want it.
It's a case of nature and nurture as to why you let him do all this. Sounds like your mother is a soft touch for loaning him thousands too. If she has written proof, she could try to get it back.