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Original poster

Please tell me I'm overthinking!

140 replies

worriedfeelsick · 01/08/2024 21:59

Hi guys, my head is just spinning at the moment I'm hoping someone can knock some sense into me!

My partner and I have been together for three years, have an eight month old son. My partner was invited to a wedding this week in Cyprus, he's a groomsman, I was invited also but wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving our little one so I've stayed home.

Our relationship is great, I know I have trust issues which I've worked on and we've been in such a lovely place lately, feel like I've fallen in love with him all over again as he is the most amazing person I have ever known. One of the things I love is that he's upfront, honest, and I would bet my life that he hasn't ever cheated on me, he's always said that from the day we met he would/has never allowed himself to be in any situation that would be inappropriate, disrespectful or unacceptable, and again I believe this.

So this is my problem, and please be kind even if you think it's stupid, please remember I am home alone with our child and it's easy for your mind to race... he arrived in Cyprus early yesterday, everything was good, we had a FaceTime, chatted off and on as I was sending him cute pictures of the little one etc, had a goodnight call, and today was pretty much the same up until the afternoon.

He sent me a message around 4pm saying he was going out to meet his friends in Paphos, which I replied to an hour or so later (I've been trying to spread out my replies to remove any pressure for him to reply straightaway) around 6pm I noticed he'd read my WhatsApp and left me on read 50 minutes before, which neither he nor I would ever do. I then messaged him saying "hey just checking all is ok, not like you to leave me on read! Hope everything is all ok", still no reply. Again an hour or so later I tried to give him a call, and I then left it there.

At 7.20 I got a message saying "sorry X had to charge stupid phone, on way back to hotel will FaceTime you in 20/30 mins", then another message saying he was walking into his room and would call in 5.

So he did and said oh why do you look pissed off, I said I'm not pissed off but it's just really not like you to leave me on read for nearly two and a half hours, and then he told me he'd been in his room and put his phone straight on charge. I was like, ok but hang on you said your phone had been on charge when you were on the way back, but you're now saying that you put it on charge when you arrived back in the room. sorry I know this sounds really insignificant but either way he's lying somewhere, and we're very strict about honesty in our relationship

He then proceeded to absolutely gaslight me by saying "if you're going to pick a fight and be a prick..." at which point I put the phone down. He called back and proceeded to say "I want you to tell me definitively what I've done, and I want you to tell me exactly what happened" to which I'm like, I have no idea but I know you're lying and I want to know why. He then said "everything was great between us until now, but do you know what, you do you. I don't care, you just do you and crack on". Still completely refusing to answer the phone charging question.

I'm really sorry to ramble and I know it's reads really stupidly like we're children, but honesty is really important to me and he has lied to me tonight, left me on read for two and a half hours and ignored two messages and a phone call. His honestly is the thing I love most about him which is why this feels like a massive deal to me. Please tell me what you think?

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 01/08/2024 22:03

Seriously? He's on holiday. You were offered to go and chose not to. Leave the man alone. I did a week in Greece alone in June. Text once to say I arrived and once when I arrived at the home airport. It's good to spend time apart

PinkLemonade555 · 01/08/2024 22:04

Maybe he hadn’t fully charged his phone earlier and it needed a top up?

he said he’d call and he did. Honestly I think you’re overreacting massively. I’d be really annoyed if a boyfriend did this with me when I’d given them no reason to distrust me.

UKposter · 01/08/2024 22:04

I think you need to give him some space to enjoy the holiday. It sounds like you are expecting too much communication which has prompted him to come up with an excuse.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 01/08/2024 22:04

I'm not sure he has lied to you? He had to charge his phone and then he put it on charge when he got in his room as well, maybe it was still low? This feels like a crazy level of scrutiny, he was out with friends for a couple of hours so didn't get back to you instantly - pretty rude to be messaging while sitting with friends to be fair?

MrsMeaty · 01/08/2024 22:06

You sound completely insane. You're absolutely in the wrong here.

Vallmo47 · 01/08/2024 22:07

You are overthinking.

AuntieEstablishment · 01/08/2024 22:09

I don't think he lied to you. He needed to charge his phone- he went back to the hotel to do it. "Sorry X needed to charge my phone" means to me that he needed to so couldn't call you, it doesn't mean that he had already charged it at the time of messaging.

I think you've been unfair to him here OP, and you need to acknowledge that and apologize. He must be feeling pretty shit, he's done nothing wrong.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2024 22:11

You sound like a nightmare, honestly. You're treating him like he's a prisoner and you're the warden. You really can't allow him to have a nice time without you, can you?

Original poster
worriedfeelsick · 01/08/2024 22:12

Thank you to the rational messages, that is exactly what I needed to hear.

To the ones attacking me when I clearly just asked if I could please be told that I'm overthinking, just a reminder you don't know what else is going on in someone's life particularly when home alone with their first baby.

OP posts:
Grapesichord · 01/08/2024 22:12

You sound very insecure. It is wearing to be with someone who needs constant reassurance. You either trust him or you don't. If you do not trust him it is not much of a relationship. If you do trust him, relax and enjoy your time apart knowing how much he will be looking forward to seeing you in a few days time.

tribpot · 01/08/2024 22:13

You are drastically overthinking. Where do your trust issues stem from? Were you cheated on in a previous relationship? Is this the first time he's been away without you? I think your expectation about a reasonable level of contact is way over the top. I would apologise tonight and then dial it back for the rest of his time away.

Original poster
worriedfeelsick · 01/08/2024 22:15

tribpot · 01/08/2024 22:13

You are drastically overthinking. Where do your trust issues stem from? Were you cheated on in a previous relationship? Is this the first time he's been away without you? I think your expectation about a reasonable level of contact is way over the top. I would apologise tonight and then dial it back for the rest of his time away.

No it's from years of childhood trauma, neglect and abandonment. I'm 38 so old enough to not use it as an excuse which is why I'm working through it with therapy. No he's been away twice previously during our relationship

OP posts:
Saddteacher · 01/08/2024 22:19

Please message him now and apologise . It sounds like it’s your insecurity, due to your childhood , that is causing you to panic . 🫂 x

Shineabrightlight · 01/08/2024 22:21

Well I think you are getting a hard time on here OP.
You are at home with your baby and your partner is away at the wedding and he seems to have behaved out of character. So I can understand you feeling anxious.
Hopefully when you talk to him tomorrow you can both have a calmer conversation and he can reassure you that there is nothing for you to worry about.

Teacherprebaby · 01/08/2024 22:21

worriedfeelsick · 01/08/2024 22:15

No it's from years of childhood trauma, neglect and abandonment. I'm 38 so old enough to not use it as an excuse which is why I'm working through it with therapy. No he's been away twice previously during our relationship

Show quote history

You've got to trust him. It will not work otherwise. He did not lie to you. Glad you mentioned therapy, this would be a good situation to bring up with your therapist.

Grapesichord · 01/08/2024 22:22

You do need to apologise and mean it. He sounds as if he knows how needy you can be when he says, 'you do you'.
Say sorry and allow him to enjoy time away. If you are lovely, he will miss you and your child. If you are angry, he won't want to come home. Which would you rather he felt, upset and angry, or grateful and full of love for you?

kalokagathos · 01/08/2024 22:24

You must apologise because you are self-destructing your relationship and no one should be subjected to such treatment. I would be horrified if a partner harassed me like this and would switch off read receipts pronto/ what kind of surveillance is that?. You are overthinking and you need to work on reining it in therapy. Manage these outbursts. Distract yourself - read/ films/ exercise/ spring clean/ baby stuff/ call someone for a chat, do not keep checking your phone, pretend it's broken. Stop!

MonsteraMama · 01/08/2024 22:25

Have you let your trust issues/insecurities run away with you before in this relationship? Not trying to be mean, but his response sounds to me like someone who has just encountered the straw that's broken his back. Exasperated you know? Like he's fed up of being given the Spanish Inquisition over every little thing.

Original poster
worriedfeelsick · 01/08/2024 22:26

Shineabrightlight · 01/08/2024 22:21

Well I think you are getting a hard time on here OP.
You are at home with your baby and your partner is away at the wedding and he seems to have behaved out of character. So I can understand you feeling anxious.
Hopefully when you talk to him tomorrow you can both have a calmer conversation and he can reassure you that there is nothing for you to worry about.

Thank you for understanding and completely epitomising the reasons behind my anxiety, that is exactly it. I appreciate people's opinions but it means a lot to have a reply that wasn't laying into me and calling me names. Thank you x

OP posts:
Educationexpert · 01/08/2024 22:27

Hmm I actually completely get this OP.

there is a lie and it doesn’t quite make sense. It would be better for him to say “truth is, I did read it then got distracted by X and put my phone on charge so only just responded” rather than say you’re wrong. This would turn my gut too (I have been right about this in the past - a really insignificant thing blew up a huge web of lies). But realistically, you won’t ever know what he was doing. He isn’t going to concede now and tell you. You have to decide whether you think the lie is bad or just white, I’d choose the latter and try to move on. You want him to remain on good terms and in contact whilst he’s away and you can rehash it when he’s home.

KaleQueen · 01/08/2024 22:30

This might be ‘attacked’ but I don’t think you’re over thinking it. If his battery had ran out how could he message you to say I have just got back to the room and charged it? I’m a very logical person so that didn’t make sense.
However, a few hours off grid also shouldn’t send you into a tailspin. Like say his phone DID run out of charge and he stayed out drinking with people then…can you not trust he’d be okay in that situation? If it’s a wedding they must know he has a partner and a baby?
Totally not judging as I have trust issues myself for similar reasons so just trying to give you the advice I’d give myself to stop myself spiralling.
im really cynical but honestly love in this case i think its all fine. Chill and let him do the wedding, he’ll respect you more too if you calm down the contact. Honestly, been there, got the t shirt xx

Original poster
worriedfeelsick · 01/08/2024 22:33

Educationexpert · 01/08/2024 22:27

Hmm I actually completely get this OP.

there is a lie and it doesn’t quite make sense. It would be better for him to say “truth is, I did read it then got distracted by X and put my phone on charge so only just responded” rather than say you’re wrong. This would turn my gut too (I have been right about this in the past - a really insignificant thing blew up a huge web of lies). But realistically, you won’t ever know what he was doing. He isn’t going to concede now and tell you. You have to decide whether you think the lie is bad or just white, I’d choose the latter and try to move on. You want him to remain on good terms and in contact whilst he’s away and you can rehash it when he’s home.

It is exactly this down to a T. He said in his message his phone was on charge and he was on the way back to the hotel, and would arrive in 30 minutes or so. Then when he arrived and called me he said he'd put his phone on charge when he got back. I wouldn't have cared if it was "I got carried away talking and didn't notice the messages" or anything like that, but yes there is definitely a lie, and the thing turning my stomach is wondering why. My friend said the same as you, to chalk it down to a white lie as ultimately I'll never know the truth.

I appreciate everyone saying what they do when they're away on holiday, but every relationship is different and we have a baby together and I wouldn't want only an arrival and departure text.

OP posts:
LittlePudding1 · 01/08/2024 22:37

You are completely overthinking this but I understand why. It's hard being at home with a baby while your dh is away on holiday with friends.

You should send a message apologising and just say will chat in the morning

Original poster
worriedfeelsick · 01/08/2024 22:37

KaleQueen · 01/08/2024 22:30

This might be ‘attacked’ but I don’t think you’re over thinking it. If his battery had ran out how could he message you to say I have just got back to the room and charged it? I’m a very logical person so that didn’t make sense.
However, a few hours off grid also shouldn’t send you into a tailspin. Like say his phone DID run out of charge and he stayed out drinking with people then…can you not trust he’d be okay in that situation? If it’s a wedding they must know he has a partner and a baby?
Totally not judging as I have trust issues myself for similar reasons so just trying to give you the advice I’d give myself to stop myself spiralling.
im really cynical but honestly love in this case i think its all fine. Chill and let him do the wedding, he’ll respect you more too if you calm down the contact. Honestly, been there, got the t shirt xx

Thanks so much for your message, I'm an extremely logical person too, my brain is hard wired to pick up on little details. His phone definitely hadn't died as the messages and phone call both went through, and as mentioned the first message was read. I don't think I'm bothered about the lie, I'm more bothered about the why, I think.

OP posts:
Sheelanogig · 01/08/2024 22:38

Do.you think it possible he told you what he thought you wanted to hear (in the 1st conversation) because he knows you would be overthinking and thought itvessier to say that. Then got himself in a tangle as he said the truth later?

Sounds to me, it was little white lie to pacify you.