Please tell me I'm overthinking!

[worriedfeelsick]

Hi guys, my head is just spinning at the moment I'm hoping someone can knock some sense into me!

My partner and I have been together for three years, have an eight month old son. My partner was invited to a wedding this week in Cyprus, he's a groomsman, I was invited also but wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving our little one so I've stayed home.

Our relationship is great, I know I have trust issues which I've worked on and we've been in such a lovely place lately, feel like I've fallen in love with him all over again as he is the most amazing person I have ever known. One of the things I love is that he's upfront, honest, and I would bet my life that he hasn't ever cheated on me, he's always said that from the day we met he would/has never allowed himself to be in any situation that would be inappropriate, disrespectful or unacceptable, and again I believe this.

So this is my problem, and please be kind even if you think it's stupid, please remember I am home alone with our child and it's easy for your mind to race... he arrived in Cyprus early yesterday, everything was good, we had a FaceTime, chatted off and on as I was sending him cute pictures of the little one etc, had a goodnight call, and today was pretty much the same up until the afternoon.

He sent me a message around 4pm saying he was going out to meet his friends in Paphos, which I replied to an hour or so later (I've been trying to spread out my replies to remove any pressure for him to reply straightaway) around 6pm I noticed he'd read my WhatsApp and left me on read 50 minutes before, which neither he nor I would ever do. I then messaged him saying "hey just checking all is ok, not like you to leave me on read! Hope everything is all ok", still no reply. Again an hour or so later I tried to give him a call, and I then left it there.

At 7.20 I got a message saying "sorry X had to charge stupid phone, on way back to hotel will FaceTime you in 20/30 mins", then another message saying he was walking into his room and would call in 5.

So he did and said oh why do you look pissed off, I said I'm not pissed off but it's just really not like you to leave me on read for nearly two and a half hours, and then he told me he'd been in his room and put his phone straight on charge. I was like, ok but hang on you said your phone had been on charge when you were on the way back, but you're now saying that you put it on charge when you arrived back in the room. sorry I know this sounds really insignificant but either way he's lying somewhere, and we're very strict about honesty in our relationship

He then proceeded to absolutely gaslight me by saying "if you're going to pick a fight and be a prick..." at which point I put the phone down. He called back and proceeded to say "I want you to tell me definitively what I've done, and I want you to tell me exactly what happened" to which I'm like, I have no idea but I know you're lying and I want to know why. He then said "everything was great between us until now, but do you know what, you do you. I don't care, you just do you and crack on". Still completely refusing to answer the phone charging question.

I'm really sorry to ramble and I know it's reads really stupidly like we're children, but honesty is really important to me and he has lied to me tonight, left me on read for two and a half hours and ignored two messages and a phone call. His honestly is the thing I love most about him which is why this feels like a massive deal to me. Please tell me what you think?

It's not irrelevant to show there are other options in how to conduct a relationship. If OP can't trust in a relationship then it's not worth having.

That's what I was going to say: you're home alone with a baby, while he is on a holiday. Of course it's perfectly normal to feel afraid, worried, insecure. Ignore the people attacking you, plesase.
I can personally empathise very well. Maybe you got carried away by some anxiety. Nothing that a good and honest conversation with your husband can't fix. He should be able to understand the vulnerable situation you were in.
It's ok, OP, these things happen. Take care 💐

I honestly get what it’s like being left with your first baby regardless of their age as it’s all new and overwhelming at times. I’ve seen a response about your past which has lead to the fears/worries/anxieties. In this situation I do believe you to be overthinking. If the communication changes from you’re used to, you naturally go into a survival/protective type mode based on past traumas, I get it.

From what you’ve put he’s actually been good with communicating since he’s got there - more than my partner probably would have done in this scenario! He was with friends having a good time, saw your message and realised his battery was low and may have needed what he had to maybe get himself back to where he’s staying? Maybe for maps, hotel details for a taxi driver? I know it only takes a min for a short reply but that’s not always how men think. Maybe he was also just enjoying being out with friends and just didn’t want to respond at that time and that’s ok too but maybe he felt like that may not have been a response you would be ok with - I don’t know, sometimes my partner does this and I have flipped out because much like you I have past traumas but have been working on them. I honestly believe it all to be innocent - please don’t let this ruin the hard work you guys have put into this!

If my partner was annoyed at me for not replying to them for 2 and a half hours when I was on holiday with friends i would feel it was a massive red flag.

2 and a half hours is nothing AND he FaceTimed you after. Are you expecting him to reply to every message instantly? What if he’s at lunch with friends - it would be rude for him to pick up his phone and start texting you.

I know this sounds harsh, but you’re being completely insane (also with the spacing your own messages out - that’s just weird). Maybe organise to spend some time with friends and family until he’s back so you’re not alone with your thoughts / waiting for him to reply.

This is also one of the reasons I hate read receipts - would you have been as stressed if he hadn’t ‘read’ your message? ‘Being left on read’ is a thing when your message hasn’t been replied to in days - not a few hours.

And I don’t why you’re even bringing up cheating and stuff, none of what you put in your OP suggests he might be cheating, so the fact you’re going out of your way to tell us how he would never do this suggests to me you don’t trust him as much as you say.

Just to add he may not have lied about charging his phone before going to the hotel, someone could have had a charge block he used to give it a little boost to before heading back to the hotel.

I do think you are over reacting and need to apologise when you sit and think rationally through it I don't think he has done anything wrong, he isn't even on a boozy lads holiday he is there for a wedding.

Trauma makes us do funny things. In the end if not resolved those on the receiving end will eventually get fed up. There is only so much people can take of the constant needing validation and reassurance. You’ve got to learn to give it to yourself because you absolutely can’t control another’s actions in order to keep your inner peace. He sounds a little drunk and displaying his annoyance. I would apologise and stop now analysing the situation to death. Keep yourself busy, do some nice things. Send some pictures of you and baby having a nice time. Let him see that you are ok and take the pressure off him to enjoy himself then when you back together connect and tell each other about the fun things you did. People will cheat and you will never stop that but don’t stop growing and doing fun things for yourself worrying about it.

Yes you are overthinking, but you’re probably stressed because you’re home alone with your baby. Take some time for yourself if you can, go outside, have a take away and watch a film, do whatever helps you relax. Could you leave the baby with your parents for a bit?

I also think you have been treated quite harshly here with some comments. Being at home with your young child whilst your partner is away is bound to make your mind race - mine would too.
I would say that maybe don’t read too much into the not replying immediately. Try to relax a little more if you can and it’ll help develop trust longer term if you can get through time apart without assuming the worst. Can you try and do some lovely things while he’s away and enjoy some time apart? Easier said than done, I know!

I would feel really stressed if I was your partner. I recently went away for a week without my partner and while we kept in touch, this level of monitoring and checking being left on read etc is not healthy.

oh my goodness me !
don't blame your behaviour on being home, with a baby
millions of people are home with a baby

now you have been reassured you can step back, remember he is away and not to overdo the neediness

Kindly op, you are massively intense.

I had two under two, was in a strange country where l knew no one and a Dh who travelled constantly with work within a month of second c-section....
He called once a day and texted maybe one other time...that is quite normal..he was in a busy environment and l was busy with two small babies..
Stop looking for problems, be trusting until you have clear evidence not to...otherwise you will put huge pressure on your relationship.

BTW if l go out without DH l never text nor does he, it is not necessary to talk every couple of hours.

Think you need to apologise say you hope he enjoys his holiday you’ll hear all about it when he’s back and leave him to it there’s absolutely no need for texts all day and to be ‘left on read’ is really childish I’ve literally never heard of anyone but literal young teenagers using this term. I don’t know why anyone would care less if someone seen your message no one HAS to respond straight away unless emergency. I understand your at home with a baby so you need to get out and about or get a book or tv show or some knitting or just something to occupy your mind because the way you’re behaving isn’t healthy or sustainable and a lot of people wouldn’t put up with it long term. It’s good you’ve acknowledged that it’s overthinking (although it is more than this imo) so I’d take the advice on here and stop this now before enoughs enough.

Google ‘relationship OCD’ it’s interesting for this

What on earth does ‘left me on read for 50 minutes’ mean? Does it mean you can see he’s read the message but not replied? If so, so what? He might be busy and intending to reply later. What does this thing mean, ’we don’t leave each other on read’? It sounds insane and childish.

You sound like you need some therapy to be totally honest. He is on holiday, hasn't actually done a thing wrong, and if you REALLY don't trust him (which seems the case) why didn't you go with him - childcare could have been sought or took child with you. You will push him away with this behaviour.