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Original poster

Please tell me I'm overthinking!

140 replies

worriedfeelsick · 01/08/2024 21:59

Hi guys, my head is just spinning at the moment I'm hoping someone can knock some sense into me!

My partner and I have been together for three years, have an eight month old son. My partner was invited to a wedding this week in Cyprus, he's a groomsman, I was invited also but wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving our little one so I've stayed home.

Our relationship is great, I know I have trust issues which I've worked on and we've been in such a lovely place lately, feel like I've fallen in love with him all over again as he is the most amazing person I have ever known. One of the things I love is that he's upfront, honest, and I would bet my life that he hasn't ever cheated on me, he's always said that from the day we met he would/has never allowed himself to be in any situation that would be inappropriate, disrespectful or unacceptable, and again I believe this.

So this is my problem, and please be kind even if you think it's stupid, please remember I am home alone with our child and it's easy for your mind to race... he arrived in Cyprus early yesterday, everything was good, we had a FaceTime, chatted off and on as I was sending him cute pictures of the little one etc, had a goodnight call, and today was pretty much the same up until the afternoon.

He sent me a message around 4pm saying he was going out to meet his friends in Paphos, which I replied to an hour or so later (I've been trying to spread out my replies to remove any pressure for him to reply straightaway) around 6pm I noticed he'd read my WhatsApp and left me on read 50 minutes before, which neither he nor I would ever do. I then messaged him saying "hey just checking all is ok, not like you to leave me on read! Hope everything is all ok", still no reply. Again an hour or so later I tried to give him a call, and I then left it there.

At 7.20 I got a message saying "sorry X had to charge stupid phone, on way back to hotel will FaceTime you in 20/30 mins", then another message saying he was walking into his room and would call in 5.

So he did and said oh why do you look pissed off, I said I'm not pissed off but it's just really not like you to leave me on read for nearly two and a half hours, and then he told me he'd been in his room and put his phone straight on charge. I was like, ok but hang on you said your phone had been on charge when you were on the way back, but you're now saying that you put it on charge when you arrived back in the room. sorry I know this sounds really insignificant but either way he's lying somewhere, and we're very strict about honesty in our relationship

He then proceeded to absolutely gaslight me by saying "if you're going to pick a fight and be a prick..." at which point I put the phone down. He called back and proceeded to say "I want you to tell me definitively what I've done, and I want you to tell me exactly what happened" to which I'm like, I have no idea but I know you're lying and I want to know why. He then said "everything was great between us until now, but do you know what, you do you. I don't care, you just do you and crack on". Still completely refusing to answer the phone charging question.

I'm really sorry to ramble and I know it's reads really stupidly like we're children, but honesty is really important to me and he has lied to me tonight, left me on read for two and a half hours and ignored two messages and a phone call. His honestly is the thing I love most about him which is why this feels like a massive deal to me. Please tell me what you think?

OP posts:
PinkyPonkyLittleDonkey · 01/08/2024 23:54

You sound like hard work.

H112 · 01/08/2024 23:56

And we're very strict about honesty in our relationship

What is this? Honesty is important in every relationship.

You sound like he's cheated on you and the trust is gone and now you're controlling him.

DogsandFlowers · 02/08/2024 00:09

worriedfeelsick · 01/08/2024 22:55

Thank you for the replies that I have been given. I'm shattered now and will be up early with my baby and keep finding that I keep coming back to check responses, I am assuming that any future responses will be similar to the ones I have received, so I think I'll just bow out now, I'm not disappearing, I just want to make sure all my energy remains focused on my little one for the next three days.

Life's very short I think you should stop irritating the life out of him before he gives you a reason to actually fret 😢

Danbury · 02/08/2024 09:51

Whilst I agree you do seem a bit over-anxious @worriedfeelsick (which is entirely normal after having a baby), I don't think anyone has picked up on his response to you when you questioned the logic of his answer.
Like you, I think logically, and my reasoning was exactly the same as yours. His explanation didn't really make logical sense.
Putting myself in your partner's shoes, whether or not I had told a little white lie to you about the phone not having charge, I would not have responded in the way he did. He basically asked you to answer for him. If I had innocently been charging my phone at one place, and then plugged it in immediately upon my arrival at my hotel, I would have said so. It's a straightforward explanation that would have put your mind at rest. Instead, he chose DARVO. I would be asking myself why he chose this response.
It might be something as innocent as, he was having fun with friends, didn't feel he could message you back at that moment, but didn't want to tell you that, so instead he created a story about the phone not having charge.

PinkLemonade555 · 02/08/2024 10:21

Danbury · 02/08/2024 09:51

Whilst I agree you do seem a bit over-anxious @worriedfeelsick (which is entirely normal after having a baby), I don't think anyone has picked up on his response to you when you questioned the logic of his answer.
Like you, I think logically, and my reasoning was exactly the same as yours. His explanation didn't really make logical sense.
Putting myself in your partner's shoes, whether or not I had told a little white lie to you about the phone not having charge, I would not have responded in the way he did. He basically asked you to answer for him. If I had innocently been charging my phone at one place, and then plugged it in immediately upon my arrival at my hotel, I would have said so. It's a straightforward explanation that would have put your mind at rest. Instead, he chose DARVO. I would be asking myself why he chose this response.
It might be something as innocent as, he was having fun with friends, didn't feel he could message you back at that moment, but didn't want to tell you that, so instead he created a story about the phone not having charge.

It really bugs me when people use terms like ‘Darvo’ and ‘gaslighting’ to label really mild behaviour.

this guy doesn’t sound remotely abusive, he sounds annoyed he’s getting questioned about tiny details despite giving OP no reason to distrust him.

WouldUSayImWorthy · 02/08/2024 10:55

The guy was half cut, out with friends, and being badgered. He doesn't sound to me like an abusive gaslighter.

This 'logic' thing sounds like an excuse for overthinking and extending your thinking to come to unhealthy conclusions.

pearldiamond · 02/08/2024 22:43

Christ, poor bloke!!

StMarieforme · 02/08/2024 23:19

Aaaand this is why this constant messaging is a nightmare!

Pre mobiles if your partner went on holiday you may have got a payphone call halfway through.

Your issues will be what damages the relationship, not cheating.

Peoniesinbloom · 02/08/2024 23:25

“Leave me on read “ seriously you checked what time he read the message and are annoyed it took him an hour to reply? Grow up!!

Peoniesinbloom · 02/08/2024 23:27

Danbury · 02/08/2024 09:51

Whilst I agree you do seem a bit over-anxious @worriedfeelsick (which is entirely normal after having a baby), I don't think anyone has picked up on his response to you when you questioned the logic of his answer.
Like you, I think logically, and my reasoning was exactly the same as yours. His explanation didn't really make logical sense.
Putting myself in your partner's shoes, whether or not I had told a little white lie to you about the phone not having charge, I would not have responded in the way he did. He basically asked you to answer for him. If I had innocently been charging my phone at one place, and then plugged it in immediately upon my arrival at my hotel, I would have said so. It's a straightforward explanation that would have put your mind at rest. Instead, he chose DARVO. I would be asking myself why he chose this response.
It might be something as innocent as, he was having fun with friends, didn't feel he could message you back at that moment, but didn't want to tell you that, so instead he created a story about the phone not having charge.

Please talk me through where he used DARVO in your opinion?

Edingril · 02/08/2024 23:28

You need help or for his sake leave him you sound controlling I can't think of a delicate way to say it you made your choice not to go

JudyJudeplusOne · 03/08/2024 00:03

Doggymummar · 01/08/2024 22:03

Seriously? He's on holiday. You were offered to go and chose not to. Leave the man alone. I did a week in Greece alone in June. Text once to say I arrived and once when I arrived at the home airport. It's good to spend time apart

Edited

This!! FFS calm down and stop being so needy! Or you'll obviously drive him away.

SaltyChocolate · 03/08/2024 00:20

I understand the being at home with your first baby, but you aren't really getting the point that it's really unpleasant to be spoken to in that way.

HappyToSmile · 03/08/2024 00:28

Maybe he is lying, but I do think you're over reacting.
This is also one reason I've turned all my "last seen" and "read receipts" off on WhatsApp. Not because I'm being cagey, but because it takes all this "they've left me on read" off. I get on with my life until someone responds.
Give him a chance, he's away on holiday and you risk pushing him away if you're not careful

Klw1104 · 06/08/2024 22:04

What I don’t understand is you said you have been taking an hour or so to reply to him not to add pressure to him then complaining when he left you on read for 50 minutes without replying.

DecoratingDiva · 06/08/2024 22:14

You sound incredibly stressed with checking he has read your message, worrying he’s not replied in minutes.

He is a groomsman, on “holiday” by himself with his mates. He will be having a good time with people who are physically there with him, in the bar, drinking, chatting, whatever. Allow him the space to do that.

You are definitely overthinking the “was his phone on charge or not” situation, it was probably a throwaway remark and you are tying him in knots over it.

Im afraid I’m with him on this, it does sound like are looking for something to hang your upset on.

edit to add - he wasn’t gaslighting you, you said yourself he was extremely pissed

Victoriancat · 06/08/2024 22:16

Jeez woman he's on holiday having fun

DrinkElephants · 06/08/2024 22:19

MrsMeaty · 01/08/2024 22:06

You sound completely insane. You're absolutely in the wrong here.

This. The whole leaving you on read thing is ridiculous. I read WhatsApps and don’t reply for a while as stuff just gets in the way. Then getting worked up over the exact timing of his phone charging is definitely overthinking.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 06/08/2024 22:34

Your expectations re contact frequency and speed of replies would completely suffocate me.

He shouldn’t have called you a prick.

I think you can call it even and move on (in a less dependent manner!)

RiceRiceBaby16 · 06/08/2024 22:44

Op, how were the next 3 days with your baby? I have dealt with this type of anxiety so I really feel for you. Especially if you later realise you were in the wrong, you've suffered with these thoughts in your head and also made someone else suffer, too. Hopefully you two have sorted things out now that he's back. Did you touch on the topic any more?

Atethehalloweenchocs · 06/08/2024 22:52

Dont overvalue 'logic'. You are massively overthinking and have jumped into thinking he has lied, and made this a really big deal, all because to start with he left a message on read. While on holiday and out of his usual routine. I would be quite annoyed if a partner behaved like this to be honest.

zeibesaffron · 06/08/2024 22:56

I think you have to think he is drunk - he is seeing his mates and having a good time. I don’t think he is gaslighting you I think he is probably grumpy with the messaging requirements. He is pissed and he is talking nonsense. I know its hard but leave him alone perhaps call him tomorrow and apologise. He has been backed into a corner tonight and has come out with fighting talk!!! You do need to get some further support though - poor chap he is fundamentally doing what he says he will calling wise - but he is on holiday, as a key part of the wedding party. I am sorry but think I would be irritated too with the underlying narrative of ‘have fun but be available to talk to me straight away!’

dothehokeycokey · 06/08/2024 22:59

I used to have a partner that used to do this to me when I was out or away.

He was probably on edge because you said he's left you on read and then started questioning him

Sorry op I know you say you've had past trauma but that's not him or his doing.

You need to apologise and mean it and work on this situation because if it carries on he will eventually get so pissed off with it hel check out.

That's what I did. When your on the receiving end of being questioned when your trying to relax and have a catch up with friends/family but your constantly feeling like you have to check your phone and reply straight away it ruins the time out your having.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 06/08/2024 23:16

Jesus, leave the poor man alone and let him enjoy his trip. Back off, and stop messaging him constantly and then picking fights with him for not responding quickly enough for you. You're way too full on. I'd feel harassed if my husband treated me like this when I was away.

Tbry24 · 06/08/2024 23:19

Sorry you are stuck at home overthinking due to your MH. I know the feeling. He is on holiday at a wedding just send him a message tomorrow saying you and the baby are fine have a lovely time and you’ll catch up and see the photos etc when he gets home so. He doesn’t miss out on things.

I have trust, overthinking, anxiety agoraphobia you name it I probably suffer with it from a terrible relationship and a toxic abusive childhood. But my partner used to work away and the best way to deal with it is as above and just focus on what’s happening where you are.