Please tell me I'm overthinking!

[worriedfeelsick]

Hi guys, my head is just spinning at the moment I'm hoping someone can knock some sense into me!

My partner and I have been together for three years, have an eight month old son. My partner was invited to a wedding this week in Cyprus, he's a groomsman, I was invited also but wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving our little one so I've stayed home.

Our relationship is great, I know I have trust issues which I've worked on and we've been in such a lovely place lately, feel like I've fallen in love with him all over again as he is the most amazing person I have ever known. One of the things I love is that he's upfront, honest, and I would bet my life that he hasn't ever cheated on me, he's always said that from the day we met he would/has never allowed himself to be in any situation that would be inappropriate, disrespectful or unacceptable, and again I believe this.

So this is my problem, and please be kind even if you think it's stupid, please remember I am home alone with our child and it's easy for your mind to race... he arrived in Cyprus early yesterday, everything was good, we had a FaceTime, chatted off and on as I was sending him cute pictures of the little one etc, had a goodnight call, and today was pretty much the same up until the afternoon.

He sent me a message around 4pm saying he was going out to meet his friends in Paphos, which I replied to an hour or so later (I've been trying to spread out my replies to remove any pressure for him to reply straightaway) around 6pm I noticed he'd read my WhatsApp and left me on read 50 minutes before, which neither he nor I would ever do. I then messaged him saying "hey just checking all is ok, not like you to leave me on read! Hope everything is all ok", still no reply. Again an hour or so later I tried to give him a call, and I then left it there.

At 7.20 I got a message saying "sorry X had to charge stupid phone, on way back to hotel will FaceTime you in 20/30 mins", then another message saying he was walking into his room and would call in 5.

So he did and said oh why do you look pissed off, I said I'm not pissed off but it's just really not like you to leave me on read for nearly two and a half hours, and then he told me he'd been in his room and put his phone straight on charge. I was like, ok but hang on you said your phone had been on charge when you were on the way back, but you're now saying that you put it on charge when you arrived back in the room. sorry I know this sounds really insignificant but either way he's lying somewhere, and we're very strict about honesty in our relationship

He then proceeded to absolutely gaslight me by saying "if you're going to pick a fight and be a prick..." at which point I put the phone down. He called back and proceeded to say "I want you to tell me definitively what I've done, and I want you to tell me exactly what happened" to which I'm like, I have no idea but I know you're lying and I want to know why. He then said "everything was great between us until now, but do you know what, you do you. I don't care, you just do you and crack on". Still completely refusing to answer the phone charging question.

I'm really sorry to ramble and I know it's reads really stupidly like we're children, but honesty is really important to me and he has lied to me tonight, left me on read for two and a half hours and ignored two messages and a phone call. His honestly is the thing I love most about him which is why this feels like a massive deal to me. Please tell me what you think?

Oh bless you. I get it, you are home with the baby and he is away and it has caused you to overthink things a little. Its hard being the one at home alone with children while the other half is away. Been there, done that! But I honestly do think you have overreacted a little and that he has done little wrong here other than possibly tell a little white lie to appease you. He is away with friends and won't always be able to message you back when you want him to, even if he has been able to read the message you sent. So please try and relax a little and trust him and enjoy your one on one time with your baby. I think you just need to talk it through next time you speak but I wouldn't read too much into it if I were you. xx

OPs partner has most likely spent years reassuring her that he won't cheat and that she can trust him

Massive assumption.

He can't keep passifying her and not live a normal life because she has exaggerated feelings

Nobody's been asked to pacify anything.

when you have already given up so much freedom

No sign in OP's post of this, in fact he's even said 'everything has been great until now'.

I don't like that he called her a prick either but

'I don't like verbal abuse but OP asked for it'?

OP was visibly angry with him

He thought she was pissed off. She says she wasn't, and just didn't understand what he was saying.

They are in a relationship but that doesn't mean he has to just accept this treatment

Yes, nobody should have to put up with their partner saying 'I don't get what you said about charging your phone, it didn't make sense'. Right?

@RoachFish Your post is riddled with nonsense and assumptions.

OP asked him to clarify what he'd said about charging his phone. He told her she was angry, and he told her she was a prick.

@worriedfeelsick

Take no notice of anybody who makes a bunch of stuff up!

Completely agree. Having a baby is hard, but being a temporary single mum when you aren’t used to it is even harder. Doesn’t matter if OP chose not to go, she’s clearly struggling! She chose not to go because I doubt it would have been much of a break for her if she was worrying about leaving her little one.

OP - continue with the therapy, text and explain to your partner - I’m sure he will understand if he knows your history.

Crikey, massive over reaction,

Complete honestly in a relationship does not mean knowing absolutely everything about someone, knowing every single detail of their day, their every move. You are still entitled to privacy in a relationship that is built on trust. He is entitled to time away - he doesn’t need to respond to messages when he is busy.

I hope you’ve resolved it now OP.

@Watchkeys

OPs partner has most likely spent years reassuring her that he won't cheat and that she can trust him

Massive assumption.

Except she says that from day one he has assured her that her won't put himself in a position where there is any chance of her having to doubt him. For most people that would go without saying but it's clear that OP has needed reassurance. That isn't wrong in itself but when you haven't done anything wrong it's annoying when someone else thinks that you are going to.

He can't keep passifying her and not live a normal life because she has exaggerated feelings

Nobody's been asked to pacify anything.

If she gets angry if she can't reach him for a couple of hours and he has to work around that then that isn't living a normal life. He has to always be on call in case she wants to talk to him or know where he is.

when you have already given up so much freedom

No sign in OP's post of this, in fact he's even said 'everything has been great until now'.

Same as above with the exception that OP says it has been great lately, not up until now.

I don't like that he called her a prick either but

'I don't like verbal abuse but OP asked for it'?

OK, should have said, "I don't like him calling her a prick" full stop. My point was that when someones patience is tested words that we don't mean sometimes comes out. I am certain he doesn't think OP is a prick, there was just too much pressure in that moment and he just wants to be trusted not questioned.

OP was visibly angry with him

He thought she was pissed off. She says she wasn't, and just didn't understand what he was saying.

He said she looks pissed off before they had even started having a conversation. So she obviously started by being annoyed at him or at least that's what he thought so he felt he was under attack.

They are in a relationship but that doesn't mean he has to just accept this treatment

Yes, nobody should have to put up with their partner saying 'I don't get what you said about charging your phone, it didn't make sense'. Right?

He could probably tell that she was annoyed and he probably felt cornered when she pointed out inconsistencies. He is on holiday and just wants to have a nice time, not being interrogated about where he was, when he charged his phone, why she was left on read for 50 minutes etc. It sounds very suffocating and I think most people would be exhausted with that level of control.

Everyones posts are riddled with assumptions. We all only have the information from the OP to go by. Doesn't mean everything I say is nonsense, but it could help explain to the OP where her partner is coming from.

Its him being so defensive that will raise the red flag to me. I think honest men become all nervous and quickly divert the conversation when they get caught! I would push for answers

Some post here are too harsh! I really dont think you are overreacting and being sensitive. He has to understand that you are miles away and ought to be considerate of your feelings and sending some reassurance shouldnt label you as a controlling freak. You are not asking to be on a call to him 24/7, you are asking for regular contact, I dont see any problem in that IMO

Everyones posts are riddled with assumptions. We all only have the information from the OP to go by

Yes, that's my point. People need to base their posts on what the op says. So, she asked him something because she felt insecure, he assumed she was angry, and called her a prick. Thanks for confirming my point, although you seem to think you're disagreeing with it @RoachFish

I think you need to get a hobbie and give this man some space, let him enjoy his holiday. This said… he sounds quite immature (in his response). You’re feeling insecure, you have a baby, he’s on holiday abroad etc… He should know this, instead he decided to be a jerk and get into a fight, he should have calm your insecurities and told you: “let’s have a serious chat when I get back”. You might be in love with this guy but there are serious issues in your relationship OP (I believe more like trust issues on your part and him getting defensive and being emotionally immature).

Jeez, can we stop with this 'it's normal to act like a stalker when you have a baby'. Having a baby doesn't mean it's ok to have your partner on the world's shortest leash when he's out with friends.

You trust or you don't. That's really all there is. If you don't the relationship will either be miserable for at least one party, or over at some point.

We’ve all been the one at home waiting for a reply at some point - minutes feel like hours. We’ve also all been the one out/away when hours can disappear in the blink of an eye. Make plans, keep busy, and don’t let yourself spiral and catastrophise. Be realistic, he’s not going to be, and shouldn’t be, glued to his phone the whole time. Let him enjoy spending some time with his friends and to miss you and your baby.

I know it’s easier said than done, but worrying will not change anything. Try to enjoy your time to yourself too!

Yes.. you are overthinking. Instant communication is not always possible. In a close relationship, when there is a little one, being separated for a week is hard. Just accept that you have been over emotional and apologise.

Haven't read the thread yet but your story is irrelevant as that's clearly not op and her partners communication style is it.

Very immature of both
comes across as controlling and suffercating
You need to chill and back off a bit
hes probably tired and moody because he’s tired and feeling peeved off at being treated like a child
let him enjoy and soeak to him when he gets back and is better rested

This is why am happily single . I love the peace. I do things go places without anyone bothering me

Let him enjoy his holiday.

Maybe it was more his phone was short on battery so wanted to get back to the room before calling you?

Please let him have some time to enjoy himself.

Maybe his phone was on charge when he was out ie charging at the bar or via a battery park. Then when he got back to the hotel he plugged it in there too as wasn’t full battery. You’re overthinking this one. Remember nothing has really changed for you in the day to day but he is doing different things with different people with no schedule. It’s easy to get carried away or forget the time when with friends having fun.

He sent me a message around 4pm saying he was going out to meet his friends in Paphos, which I replied to an hour or so later

But, he sent one telling you what he was doing for the night, you replied. So why do you feel he should have to reply to you again after that again? Did you ask him a question?

I mean, I do understand you and I was a bit like you before (dh has travelled for work for 25 years). But in this case I really do think it was a drunken white lie because he knows you.

Would he be ok with you having each other on Find my iPhone or whatever?

Definitely overthinking, you created an issue where there wasn't. I also don't understand why you waited to reply to his original msg, just feels like a game.

From my perspective, on occasion I’ve read messages from my husband when I’m in a meeting (as an example) and once I know there’s nothing urgent then it can lie read until it’s an appropriate time for me to reply.

You need to continue to work on these issues if too think 2.5 hours is a long amount of time without contact. Who wants to be with a mate who sits on their phone messaging all night?

Did you by any chance wait an hour to reply to his first message so that he’d think you were really busy coping at home, while he got to be out partying. It sounds like a game.

You owe him an apology. Just explain you're finding it hard being away from him and miss him, that you don't want to argue and hope he's having a great time and you're looking forward to family holidays with him in the future.

Try to leave him alone and not make this about you and your insecurities, it would he a pity to be fighting while he's away, wouldn't you rather he be crazily missing you and wishing you were there rather than relieved he left the call and chain at home?

If I’m out with friends and my husband messages me, I look to make sure it’s nothing important, then put it away until I go to the toilet or whatever.
I don’t sit messaging about inconsequential things while I’m with other people.

He lied and then got angry. Whether that’s because you were intense or not.