Please tell me I'm overthinking!

[worriedfeelsick]

Hi guys, my head is just spinning at the moment I'm hoping someone can knock some sense into me!

My partner and I have been together for three years, have an eight month old son. My partner was invited to a wedding this week in Cyprus, he's a groomsman, I was invited also but wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving our little one so I've stayed home.

Our relationship is great, I know I have trust issues which I've worked on and we've been in such a lovely place lately, feel like I've fallen in love with him all over again as he is the most amazing person I have ever known. One of the things I love is that he's upfront, honest, and I would bet my life that he hasn't ever cheated on me, he's always said that from the day we met he would/has never allowed himself to be in any situation that would be inappropriate, disrespectful or unacceptable, and again I believe this.

So this is my problem, and please be kind even if you think it's stupid, please remember I am home alone with our child and it's easy for your mind to race... he arrived in Cyprus early yesterday, everything was good, we had a FaceTime, chatted off and on as I was sending him cute pictures of the little one etc, had a goodnight call, and today was pretty much the same up until the afternoon.

He sent me a message around 4pm saying he was going out to meet his friends in Paphos, which I replied to an hour or so later (I've been trying to spread out my replies to remove any pressure for him to reply straightaway) around 6pm I noticed he'd read my WhatsApp and left me on read 50 minutes before, which neither he nor I would ever do. I then messaged him saying "hey just checking all is ok, not like you to leave me on read! Hope everything is all ok", still no reply. Again an hour or so later I tried to give him a call, and I then left it there.

At 7.20 I got a message saying "sorry X had to charge stupid phone, on way back to hotel will FaceTime you in 20/30 mins", then another message saying he was walking into his room and would call in 5.

So he did and said oh why do you look pissed off, I said I'm not pissed off but it's just really not like you to leave me on read for nearly two and a half hours, and then he told me he'd been in his room and put his phone straight on charge. I was like, ok but hang on you said your phone had been on charge when you were on the way back, but you're now saying that you put it on charge when you arrived back in the room. sorry I know this sounds really insignificant but either way he's lying somewhere, and we're very strict about honesty in our relationship

He then proceeded to absolutely gaslight me by saying "if you're going to pick a fight and be a prick..." at which point I put the phone down. He called back and proceeded to say "I want you to tell me definitively what I've done, and I want you to tell me exactly what happened" to which I'm like, I have no idea but I know you're lying and I want to know why. He then said "everything was great between us until now, but do you know what, you do you. I don't care, you just do you and crack on". Still completely refusing to answer the phone charging question.

I'm really sorry to ramble and I know it's reads really stupidly like we're children, but honesty is really important to me and he has lied to me tonight, left me on read for two and a half hours and ignored two messages and a phone call. His honestly is the thing I love most about him which is why this feels like a massive deal to me. Please tell me what you think?

You sound utterly exhausting. He is away having fun and you are being controlling and making it about you. I would be utterly pissed off with you.

Honestly, I think it's a ridiculous thing to get worked up about. You are definitely overthinking things. Leave him alone to get on with his holiday - he will be out drinking with his mates, will lose track of time etc so I wouldn't be bothered about him messaging or leaving you on read or whatever. The phone charging thing sounds like a misunderstanding and not worth having a row about 🙄 from his reaction to you, it sounds like he's fed up dealing with your insecurity.

I think this is ENTIRELY plausible. I think he could have opened the first message with the intention of replying, got completely distracted and then next saw another message and phone call so tried to say his phone was on charge, but then got tangled later when he told the truth on FaceTime. He was extremely pissed so he could've confused himself. What I don't like about that would be that he massively gaslit me on the phone though instead of just holding his hands up!

His phone could have been charging plugged into a wall away from him, or at a counter in a restaurant. He could have borrowed someone's battery pack charger thing.

You're being suffocating and controlling and hiding behind the whole 'honesty is sooo important to us'

You really are over thinking and if you don't get some support with issues around trust and personal space you'll end up destroying the relationship

I agree an apology text will go a long way - especially if he's fully aware of your childhood trauma

I think he told a white lie to pacify you, because he knows that you’ll overthink etc.

The problem was that he was drunk and confused himself by lying/then telling the truth. Instead of just apologising and explaining why he felt he needed to pacify you with a white lie, it blows up into an argument.
Possibly
a) because he’s drunk
b) because you’re insecure
c) because the alcohol has allowed him to show that he’s getting fed up with your insecurities and feeling like you don’t trust him?

Hopefully you have a better conversation tomorrow

This level of interrogation would absolutely kill
me. Perhaps he said he was charging when he meant he needed to charge it - that isn’t a lie. A lie is a purposeful deception.

Having to explain your every waking move to someone is a very difficult way to live, have you considered he told you the easiest thing to tell you because he knew explaining the full scenario wouldn’t satisfy you or would cause you to spiral. Sometimes it’s easier to tell an insecure person an abridged version because their rumination is so much hard work it’s easier to just gloss over the full story.

it’s great you’re getting therapy, apologise to him and let him enjoy his time away. It sounds like you’re in a secure loving relationship, dont ruin it over being on read for 50 mins.

Holding his hands up? It’s hardly a crime. He probably wasn’t even lying, his phone could have still needed charging more, particularly if he was about to face time you. Or maybe he just wanted some space and knew you’d over react?
gaslighting is a bit extreme. You’re being way too OTT here and you need to calm down.

weird that some posters here seem to be enjoying adding to the drama.

get some sleep and stop feeding your anxiety by posting here. You might feel better tomorrow.

Thank you for the replies that I have been given. I'm shattered now and will be up early with my baby and keep finding that I keep coming back to check responses, I am assuming that any future responses will be similar to the ones I have received, so I think I'll just bow out now, I'm not disappearing, I just want to make sure all my energy remains focused on my little one for the next three days.

Also don’t throw around the accusations of gaslighting. You’ve said he’s a caring loving and supportive partner. If this is a one off occurrence then it’s absolutely not falling into that category.

Gaslighting someone is a systematic way of breaking down their reality.

Arguing with someone because you’re pissed off with them when you’re drunk is not attempting to gaslight them.

@worriedfeelsick
I think your feelings are valid. I think I'd think similar, though I wouldn't voice it, I'd let it go knowing it's just me.
However, if there is a lie, then there's a reason why, however small. There's a reason.

Could you have heard him wrong and got wires crossed? Could the phone have been going on charge?

"sorry X had to charge stupid phone, on way back to hotel will FaceTime you in 20/30 mins", then another message saying he was walking into his room and would call in 5.

Doesn't that mean the same as- going to my room to charge my phone? As he wouldn't have been able to text you if his phone was always on the charger in the room.

I'm confused

concentrate on your baby op. You def were overthinking, he’s at a wedding on holiday, he probably got distracted.

but how can you both not leave each other on ‘read’ - that means constant messaging! You need to focus on the baby. He needs to focus on being a good guest. Maybe cut each other a bit of slack.

enjoy the newborn cuddles !

I wouldn't be in a relationship where I was mandated to respond to every message immediately and adhere to a strict regime of calls. Leave him alone for one hour for goodness sake! He's on holiday with friends!

Dear OP, you sound like hard work. Really hard work. have you tried to get any help for your very bad mental health? if you want your marriage to last much longer, you should.

Mine too xx
It’s the trauma.
Its a great skill to have tbh and I do get why you feel anxious.
I don’t think it makes sense, either, his excuse.
BUT I do think that your best (logical and unemotional) approach at this point is just go quiet on him. Focus on you and the baby. He’ll probably freak out as that won’t be your usual reaction and that will make him think xx

So he messaged you at 4pm and you admit you waited an hour to message back because you "want to space out your replies". But when he doesn't message you back straight away that's not OK?

I'm definitely not in the "text on arrival and departure" camp, if my husband or I are away we speak multiple times a day. But I couldn't get worked up over this sorry. He was probably sat with friends, maybe even having dinner, read your message but didn't want to be rude keeping his phone out so put it away to text you later. I don't think that's a big deal and I think you've massively over reacted.

And you sound like such a lovely person 😂

Bless you, OP. Sounds like your previous experiences really did one on you. I hope you are okay now. It sounds like you've been triggered by previous trauma and replaying it through this instant. In all honesty, your partner has never given you any signs of dishonesty, has went away for a wedding/ holiday and had some drinks...all explainable for being a little bit of a twat. But overall, things are good with this relationship and this isn't what happened to you in your previous life. You've recently had a baby and it's a vulnerable time with being on your own- ie possible abandonment triggered. You've done the right thing IMO, coming here asking for advice, it shows you are questioning your behaviour, rather than going into autopilot trauma reaction mode. I'd really see this as a chance for you to bond with your beautiful baby, just you and them. Focus on how amazing a mum you are and on the plus points of having them all to yourself. It will help bulid a confidence within you too. Sending lots of love ❤️

Look after yourself and your little one, Op. I can understand your thought process and the worries behind it. I think at some point you have to admit that this is not ok to subject another person to. I know you have trauma that you are working through, but this is almost harassment. This is not ok.

I hope you and your little one are fine over the next few days and that you can talk this through with your other half and your therapist. Your need for security absolutely cannot become a justified need for absolute control over how your partner communicates with you. That is not ok, especially when out of routine, like a holiday.

I'm not sure you'll hear this now, but hopefully as you progress through therapy and feel more safe and secure, you'll be able to reach compromises, give your partner breathing space, be able to think about things other than your partner and the last time he text / when he read your message, etc. Things will get easier.

Do you realise that for hundreds of years until very recently if her husband went abroad for work or any reason he would say goodbye to his wife and she would not hear from him for weeks and then would receive perhaps one letter in the post telling her perhaps roughly what date he might be home.

I feel for you. I understand your fears but just try and let him enjoy the wedding and have faith in him. I don’t think he’s Being shady - just having a nice time with his mates x