Please tell me I'm overthinking!

[worriedfeelsick]

Hi guys, my head is just spinning at the moment I'm hoping someone can knock some sense into me!

My partner and I have been together for three years, have an eight month old son. My partner was invited to a wedding this week in Cyprus, he's a groomsman, I was invited also but wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving our little one so I've stayed home.

Our relationship is great, I know I have trust issues which I've worked on and we've been in such a lovely place lately, feel like I've fallen in love with him all over again as he is the most amazing person I have ever known. One of the things I love is that he's upfront, honest, and I would bet my life that he hasn't ever cheated on me, he's always said that from the day we met he would/has never allowed himself to be in any situation that would be inappropriate, disrespectful or unacceptable, and again I believe this.

So this is my problem, and please be kind even if you think it's stupid, please remember I am home alone with our child and it's easy for your mind to race... he arrived in Cyprus early yesterday, everything was good, we had a FaceTime, chatted off and on as I was sending him cute pictures of the little one etc, had a goodnight call, and today was pretty much the same up until the afternoon.

He sent me a message around 4pm saying he was going out to meet his friends in Paphos, which I replied to an hour or so later (I've been trying to spread out my replies to remove any pressure for him to reply straightaway) around 6pm I noticed he'd read my WhatsApp and left me on read 50 minutes before, which neither he nor I would ever do. I then messaged him saying "hey just checking all is ok, not like you to leave me on read! Hope everything is all ok", still no reply. Again an hour or so later I tried to give him a call, and I then left it there.

At 7.20 I got a message saying "sorry X had to charge stupid phone, on way back to hotel will FaceTime you in 20/30 mins", then another message saying he was walking into his room and would call in 5.

So he did and said oh why do you look pissed off, I said I'm not pissed off but it's just really not like you to leave me on read for nearly two and a half hours, and then he told me he'd been in his room and put his phone straight on charge. I was like, ok but hang on you said your phone had been on charge when you were on the way back, but you're now saying that you put it on charge when you arrived back in the room. sorry I know this sounds really insignificant but either way he's lying somewhere, and we're very strict about honesty in our relationship

He then proceeded to absolutely gaslight me by saying "if you're going to pick a fight and be a prick..." at which point I put the phone down. He called back and proceeded to say "I want you to tell me definitively what I've done, and I want you to tell me exactly what happened" to which I'm like, I have no idea but I know you're lying and I want to know why. He then said "everything was great between us until now, but do you know what, you do you. I don't care, you just do you and crack on". Still completely refusing to answer the phone charging question.

I'm really sorry to ramble and I know it's reads really stupidly like we're children, but honesty is really important to me and he has lied to me tonight, left me on read for two and a half hours and ignored two messages and a phone call. His honestly is the thing I love most about him which is why this feels like a massive deal to me. Please tell me what you think?

I know you mean no harm but honestly your approach is suffocating. My phone regularly goes unchecked in the bottom of my bag for 1, or 2 hours. It's hard to write messages when out socialising and engaging with others. You will drive him away with that approach. Seems like there is zero trust which is so unhealthy and insulting.

"leave me on read".

I didn't even know this was a thing until I read this thread.

Well, you've ruined this relationship, he knows you don't trust him now. Prepare to be a single mum.

He’s not gaslighting you, he’s just exasperated that you’re killing his vibe. He was drunk and having fun, cut him some slack.

Does he have a portable charger for his phone? Many people do take one on holiday, but some are less effective and slow to charge. So he could of given it some juice on the way back, then plugged it in when he got back to his hotel as facetiming takes a lot of charge up ( though he could presumably charge and facetime at the same time). Then again he was maybe looking for an easy excuse, when really truth be told he probably felt you were over- pestering him. Would you normally reply to him straight away? If so it could be said that your purposly leaving it an hour, was also acting out of character. It's game playing on your part.
Overall, he'd been there a matter of hours and you had a go at him for not giving you enough text attention. Be careful behaviour like that wears thin in time. It's not his problem that you had an unfortunate childhood, so it doesn't mean he has to be more understanding of you than he would for anyone else. By having a go, you will just cause push back, resulting in even less attention than you crave.

You sound like a complete headcase

Maybe he went to his room previously and put his phone on charge and went out again before coming back

If he was out with the guys they would be making fun of him for messaging and being on the hook to his missus. It’s guy banter.

try and fill your day so you aren’t just thinking about him.

my husband who I’ve been in the house with all day still hasn’t even read the messages I sent earlier. I was on a work call most of the day so had to WhatsApp an email I needed him to deal with.

in the end I announced it on Alexa and he did it but still hasn’t checked his phone. 😜

just try and relax as you don’t want him to feel smothered.

She has a baby of 8 months old.

Normal she feels like this.

You sound very needy.

No offence but you sound really hard work.

you need to relax and enjoy your time at home with your baby. Single parents and parents whose partners travel for work do this al the time. There’s nothing to fret about being home alone. It’s life.

dissecting every detail of what he said and monitoring the time you both take to reply is insane. You need to focus on something else.

I hope you can sort this.

Nope

I know you’ve had trust issues in the past and it’s great that you have worked on them. I would recommend continuing this as they are still very much present and are likely to damage your relationship. I would apologise and say I’m sorry, I was just worried. You won’t be able to behave like this in the future or it will cause friction at the least. It’s very controlling behaviour. Just let him enjoy his holiday.

You claim you didn't respond to his message for an hour because you didn't want him to feel like he has to respond immediately. Then you get angry because he didnt respond within 50 minutes. He's not the gaslighting one here.

I find that being in a controlling relationship encourage lies. I was in one when I was young and I had to constantly lie to explain why I wasn't always able to take his calls or why I had come home later than I had said etc because if everything I did that wasn't precisely as he had expected I was met with scepticism at best and jealousy and rage at its worse. This was in the late 90s so there wasn't a way to see if anyone was left on read or not but I did have a mobile phone and it was such a curse because I couldn't escape and switch off as he would always call and text when I was with friends or family. Of course in his mind it was all well-meaning but really it was just to check that I wasn't doing anything I shouldn't be doing. It's just control.

I think you have a lot of work still to do on this OP and it could well be that having a baby has set you back a bit. It's not healthy to get so worked up by not being able to reach your spouse for a few hours when they are away spending time with friends. I know you say it's the lie that bothers you but you were bothered by his absence way before you realised he had possibly lied. You need to give him some healthy space or he will just start to feel suffocated if he isn't already.

Agree with pp. you’ve over-reacted - he’s on holiday with friends and busy, not sitting there waiting for your calls. It’s a wedding, not a stag week. You were invited. My DH travels all the time. He texts to let me know he arrived without incident and we exchange the odd admin text or ones re kids. If he’s pissed off he may ask for puppy pics or if there’s stuff going on with the kids he may check in about them… but usually it half a dozen texts over 3-4 days. I don’t care that he’s ‘left me on read’ - he’s not obliged to reply or acknowledge my message with an emoji every time - unless there is a time sensitive question in it.

I know you are home with a baby, and maybe deep down you resent that you couldn’t go this time and haven’t realised, but you are being unreasonable in the way you are speaking to him.

I don't understand why nobody's really picked up on how quickly he leapt to calling you a prick. I'm assuming he knows you have some issues due to childhood abuse, which makes it worse, but do people really think that calling their partner a prick for asking a question is ok?

I do think you're very hot on his heels, OP, and if I was him, I might be exasperated, but you just asked him a question because you wanted him to clarify something.

Also, you immediately put the phone down, which doesn't seem like what a person would do if this was the first time someone called them something like that.

Has there been any history of you having to minimise distrust with him, or him calling you unpleasant things?

Totally agree. She sounds like hard work.

What's meant to happen after someone gets told they're 'hard work'? What are they meant to do with their feelings? Minimise them? Silence them? Deny them? What about healthy options, that don't make them feel like a substandard specimen? Like accepting, acknowledging, respecting their feelings?

The advice here is so poor. OP, you may have feelings that many others wouldn't, but you've got your reasons, and if your partner isn't sympathetic to that, you need to think about your relationship. If someone with a history of childhood abuse is a little wobbly, trust-wise, the last thing they need is a partner who says they're being a prick when they ask a simple question.

All people are different. Just because someone in the past has broken your trust it doesn’t mean this man will.

my advice would be to get some professional help with your insecurities else you may end up pushing him away with your overbearing behaviour.

Unless you are constantly messaging SOMEONE will have to be left on read - someone has to have the last word...

He could have limited charge, have had just a top up and being in a foreign country he wouldn't want to waste battery keeping it for emergencies.

@worriedfeelsick On one hand you say:

I would bet my life that he hasn't ever cheated on me, he's always said that from the day we met he would/has never allowed himself to be in any situation that would be inappropriate, disrespectful or unacceptable, and again I believe this.

and then on the other hand you're going absolutely mental because he hasn't replied to a message after an hour or two and doubting every word he says?!

FWIW I went out with my friend on Friday night and left my DP on "read" for hours forgetting he had messaged me 😂I read his text as I was leaving work and intended to reply but then had to lock up the office, get in a taxi, ring my friend to find out where I was meeting her, navigate through the city, found my friend, chatted away for 3 hours whilst eating and drinking and only at about 9pm did I remember I hadn't replied (not that he cares or even looks at his phone as he was deeply engrossed in watching the Olympics with a beer and a pizza 😂) so sent him a quick "Sorry for not replying! Hope you're having a good night. Be home by 11ish!" and that was that until I got home.

I think in healthy, functioning and trusting relationships that's the norm isn't it? A quick check in once over a night out?

You really need to calm down OP otherwise you will drive him away by being controlling and mistrusting....

@Watchkeys OPs partner has most likely spent years reassuring her that he won't cheat and that she can trust him. He can't keep passifying her and not live a normal life because she has exaggerated feelings relating to deceit which happend decades before they got together. That's for OP to work on.

He can still be sympathetic of course but everyone has a limit and being accused of doing something when you haven't is really frustrating when you have already given up so much freedom just to make sure that you are always available in case the other person has a wobble or has fabricated some unfavourable story in their head about you. I don't like that he called her a prick either but he had just been enjoying spending time with friends and because he hadn't responded for a couple of hours OP was visibly angry with him. I think he's just fed up.

They are in a relationship but that doesn't mean he has to just accept this treatment, it's up to OP to get better. Nobody is perfect and this is her issue, albeit through no fault of her own.

Me and my partner have 3 children he went away with his friends and we didn't have much contact having kids doesn't mean you need to be in constant contact that's a cop out for your insecurity and irrational need for constant contact and immediate replies. he's at a wedding presumably out doing things and having fun being attached to his phone would be ignorant and pretty annoying .
A morning text and a phone call later on should be sufficient

He's on holiday. He's at a friend's wedding. He's busy. You chose not to go. Bickering about not being in contact every one or two hours is just bizarre. Leave the poor guy alone, OP! I wouldn't expect to hear from a partner at all on this kind of trip, but if you absolutely must speak to him, arrange a time to call or Facetime just once a day, maybe in the morning, and leave it at that. Which means that both of you can then get on with enjoying your days - perfect.

Yip, you're overthinking. He sounds like a lovely partner so remember that next time your brain tries to tell you otherwise. You do need to give him some space to enjoy the holiday as everyone has their limits in terms of communication, I suspect that's why he was angry on the call. You also next to trust him more unless there's evidence to the contrary. What you're describing is not that.