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Original poster

Want to take my dc away on my own

317 replies

Ragrugflowerdots · 01/08/2024 14:43

I’m in a tricky and slightly unusual position I think. I’ve been with DP for three years - he has a dc and I have 2dc. We have never attempted to ‘blend’ I see him without his dc and he sees me without mine. The dc have only met a handful of times. My eldest dc does not like his dc and tbh I’ve been quite clear that I don’t want to try and blend them together as I rarely think it works.

I earn more than DP and I also had a sizeable amount of money from my divorce. I had an inheritance also and now own my own home - I know I am really really lucky to be able to do this.
DP is nowhere near as ‘well off’ financially and it does sometimes raise its head that he and his dc are hard done by compared to mine.

He is taking his dc away for a week in the UK this summer. I wasn’t going to take mine away as I have been unwell but I have been feeling better the last few months and I am wondering whether i might be able to book a week / ten nights somewhere. I’d like to take them abroad. My eldest is 16 and probably won’t want to come with me for so much longer.

The thing is I know my DP will kick off about it because he will see it as unfair that I can afford to do this with my dc and he can’t. I don’t know if I should give him some money? It is unfair, I agree. He wouldn’t come with us as he will have his dc over the time I am looking to go.

Im not really sure what to do about the financial disparity when we are in no way blended. I could just take mine in the UK. That would cause less upset I think.

Any ideas?

OP posts:
wurstcase · 02/08/2024 13:48

I also very much agree with @SamW98 , why should your kids have a less good time because of this random guy? They are much much more important!

Peridot1 · 02/08/2024 14:30

He sounds quite mean and petty. Mean spirited. It’s not a nice trait. I can’t believe he split with you because you bought a house and then a car.

I couldn’t be with anyone like that.

I remember years ago a childhood friend of mine made a really mean spirited comment about a mutual friend’s new car. I started to notice lots of similar comments about things and it really made me view him in a different light and I really went off him.

converseandjeans · 02/08/2024 14:36

@Ragrugflowerdots

I strongly suspect the relationship won’t stand me taking my dc on holiday, especially a holiday abroad. I’ve taken them for three or four nights in this country before but that’s it.

I feel sorry for your children - that you're not doing fun things just because of this partner.

Just book something & it's up to him if he's going to kick off. You're doing nothing wrong.

I would also recommend Copenhagen. Hotel Tivoli has some deals where you can go in the park. It's such a nice place & easy to navigate.

MollyButton · 02/08/2024 14:48

Ragrugflowerdots · 02/08/2024 11:13

He doesn’t always expect me to pay for things - we are pretty 50/50 and take it in turns.
I think the main issue is that I do feel responsible for him and his unhappiness. He feels he got a poor deal from his divorce and he doesn’t like his job much or have any friends really.
This means that I often feel bad about getting on ok at work or doing something with a friend, because this can lead him to go into a spiral about how bad his life is. How his job doesn’t pay him enough or recognise how good he is, how he hasn’t got any close friends and so if I don’t choose to spend my time with him he’s on his own if he hasn’t got his dc… I feel bad that he is unhappy and probably take that on too much. However, I do feel that his bitterness / anger is directed at me during those times, it feels like an attack.

I strongly suspect the relationship won’t stand me taking my dc on holiday, especially a holiday abroad. I’ve taken them for three or four nights in this country before but that’s it.
I guess I need to try and hold onto it not being my ‘fault’ that we are in different positions. He always says it’s easy for me to say that I’m not concerned about the disparity because I’m in the position of privilege and he says my background is different to his and I’ve grown up in a reasonably (but by no means wealthy) affluent household whereas his family weren’t as well off as mine. Again, I can’t do much about that. I wish he were happier. Overall he is dissatisfied with his life and that’s hard I guess.

It isn't your fault!

Most mean do much better than their ex wives after divorce. That is a fact.

He should be comparing himself to his ex wife not you. You have nothing to do with his divorce settlement.

Please go on holiday and have fun

FictionalCharacter · 02/08/2024 14:54

Of course it isn’t unfair that he can’t afford it and you can. You’re not responsible for how much money he has or earns.
Do you really want to be with someone who moans and kicks off like this? He won’t change, so this is your life indefinitely if you stay with him.

Appleblum · 02/08/2024 15:19

You sound like a lovely woman OP. I'm sure you can do much better than your current DP... he sounds bitter and resents it when you have nicer things than him. I think if you really care for somebody you'd be happy for them and want to celebrate their happy moments together (when you bought your house, when you got your new car, etc). What are his redeeming qualities exactly?

DullFanFiction · 02/08/2024 15:52

He is playing the victim here. Oh look poor him who doesn’t have good friends, a job he isn’t that keen on etc… like a lot of people tbh.

And you’re falling into the rescuer mode.
Youre feeling guilty about his lack of chance. You want to redress things etc….

Thats not a healthy dynamic.
You might feel it’s you being compassionate and kind. But actually it’s him using the fact you’re compassionate and kind to ease his feelings. When it’s not your role. And nor do you have the means to ease things off fir him, bar just at the surface and fir a short time (hence why it reappears each time there is something that goes well for you).

Its him.
But it’s you too. You need to let go of tgis idea that you can somehow ‘save him’ and make life fair for him.

Original poster
Ragrugflowerdots · 02/08/2024 16:23

DullFanFiction · 02/08/2024 15:52

He is playing the victim here. Oh look poor him who doesn’t have good friends, a job he isn’t that keen on etc… like a lot of people tbh.

And you’re falling into the rescuer mode.
Youre feeling guilty about his lack of chance. You want to redress things etc….

Thats not a healthy dynamic.
You might feel it’s you being compassionate and kind. But actually it’s him using the fact you’re compassionate and kind to ease his feelings. When it’s not your role. And nor do you have the means to ease things off fir him, bar just at the surface and fir a short time (hence why it reappears each time there is something that goes well for you).

Its him.
But it’s you too. You need to let go of tgis idea that you can somehow ‘save him’ and make life fair for him.

This is true - we both play a part in this dynamic. I facilitate it.
I feel MUCH less anxious if he’s happy and not in a bad mood. Even if I’m not with him at the time. Sometimes if we talk on the phone / WhatsApp and it’s clear he’s annoyed about something I find it massively raises my stress level.
Im often thinking ‘it’s not that bad, stop moaning’ but I don’t say it - and when I say stop moaning it’s moaning about very very minor things (such at the queue being long in a shop / his car needing new windscreen wipers / someone parking too near his drive) - stuff that is a daily minor annoyance for a lot of people.
He somehow has the ability to change these things into a massive drama that I feel responsible for. His ex wife has taken their dc away a week this summer and is taking him again at the end of the holiday - UK - but that’s still two holidays. And he’ll go away with my DP for a week. So I don’t believe his dc is hard done by. I don’t think it’s about that though, I think it’s that he feels he is hard done by.

I’ve not booked anything but I’m still looking. The dc are surprised but keen. They assumed we wouldn’t go away and might just have a few days out instead. Their dad isn’t taking them this summer either. They’d not be as keen to go with him tbh.

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 02/08/2024 16:53

Why exactly are you with this guy? He doesn’t sound like he is worth all the anguish really.

I can’t see that he would make you happy.

TeaMistress · 02/08/2024 16:54

So you're having to walk on eggshells around his "bad moods". He kicks off because you want to take your children on holiday as you are perfectly entitled to do. He moans at you all the time and your children do not like his. He resents the fact that you can afford to treat your children to a holiday.

Er he sounds like a complete twat with potential to financially and emotionally abuse you....get rid of him OP. Promise life would be easier without his constant whinging and his manipulative money grabbing behaviour

SamW98 · 02/08/2024 16:59

Ragrugflowerdots · 02/08/2024 16:23

This is true - we both play a part in this dynamic. I facilitate it.
I feel MUCH less anxious if he’s happy and not in a bad mood. Even if I’m not with him at the time. Sometimes if we talk on the phone / WhatsApp and it’s clear he’s annoyed about something I find it massively raises my stress level.
Im often thinking ‘it’s not that bad, stop moaning’ but I don’t say it - and when I say stop moaning it’s moaning about very very minor things (such at the queue being long in a shop / his car needing new windscreen wipers / someone parking too near his drive) - stuff that is a daily minor annoyance for a lot of people.
He somehow has the ability to change these things into a massive drama that I feel responsible for. His ex wife has taken their dc away a week this summer and is taking him again at the end of the holiday - UK - but that’s still two holidays. And he’ll go away with my DP for a week. So I don’t believe his dc is hard done by. I don’t think it’s about that though, I think it’s that he feels he is hard done by.

I’ve not booked anything but I’m still looking. The dc are surprised but keen. They assumed we wouldn’t go away and might just have a few days out instead. Their dad isn’t taking them this summer either. They’d not be as keen to go with him tbh.

Show quote history

You’re totally glossing over what’s obvious to everyone in this thread - this man is an absolute miserable resentful jealous fun sponge who is sucking the joy out of your life.

You've been asked time and again why you’re with him but you’re only responding with more and more negativity.

This man will never ever ever make you happy because he’s eaten up with bitterness. And unless you pull away from him, he’ll drag you down into his black hole of misery.

Think of your kids and put them over constantly feeling sorry for a pathetic loser because continually listening to his moaning will start affecting them

HarrytheHobbit · 02/08/2024 17:02

Book that holiday now!

6pence · 02/08/2024 17:03

TeaMistress · 02/08/2024 16:54

So you're having to walk on eggshells around his "bad moods". He kicks off because you want to take your children on holiday as you are perfectly entitled to do. He moans at you all the time and your children do not like his. He resents the fact that you can afford to treat your children to a holiday.

Er he sounds like a complete twat with potential to financially and emotionally abuse you....get rid of him OP. Promise life would be easier without his constant whinging and his manipulative money grabbing behaviour

It really doesn’t sound great op. Who wants to be round someone miserable all the time? It just drags you down too.

DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 02/08/2024 17:14

@Ragrugflowerdots I think if you take your kids away it will really boost your confidence! You will survive and thrive! Sounds like you need a rest after being unwell.
I just got back from holiday with my dp and struggled with his dc at times ( I had my own thread as it felt bad at times! )
However You should not be scared to go away because he can’t afford to take his dc away. Nor should you feel bad to the point you give him money.
I have gone a lot with my dc alone so feel free to pm me if you need any tips or a chat x

Conniebygaslight · 02/08/2024 17:14

Ragrugflowerdots · 02/08/2024 16:23

This is true - we both play a part in this dynamic. I facilitate it.
I feel MUCH less anxious if he’s happy and not in a bad mood. Even if I’m not with him at the time. Sometimes if we talk on the phone / WhatsApp and it’s clear he’s annoyed about something I find it massively raises my stress level.
Im often thinking ‘it’s not that bad, stop moaning’ but I don’t say it - and when I say stop moaning it’s moaning about very very minor things (such at the queue being long in a shop / his car needing new windscreen wipers / someone parking too near his drive) - stuff that is a daily minor annoyance for a lot of people.
He somehow has the ability to change these things into a massive drama that I feel responsible for. His ex wife has taken their dc away a week this summer and is taking him again at the end of the holiday - UK - but that’s still two holidays. And he’ll go away with my DP for a week. So I don’t believe his dc is hard done by. I don’t think it’s about that though, I think it’s that he feels he is hard done by.

I’ve not booked anything but I’m still looking. The dc are surprised but keen. They assumed we wouldn’t go away and might just have a few days out instead. Their dad isn’t taking them this summer either. They’d not be as keen to go with him tbh.

Show quote history

You don’t facilitate his behaviour….you are scared of his reactions.

outdamnedspots · 02/08/2024 17:25

GrumpyPanda · 01/08/2024 14:51

Don't pander to him. Just think about what would be the best experience for you and your DC.

This!!

Longdueachange · 02/08/2024 17:30

Read your post back to yourself op. You'll shock yourself at how controlled by him you are and hopefully dump him.

SamW98 · 02/08/2024 17:36

Longdueachange · 02/08/2024 17:30

Read your post back to yourself op. You'll shock yourself at how controlled by him you are and hopefully dump him.

I agree. OP he might not be physical with you but he’s abusive in other ways. Hes pulling you down emotionally and playing the perpetual victim.

Please read this thread back and take on board the unanimous opinion

SuncreamAndIceCream · 02/08/2024 17:38

You’re totally glossing over what’s obvious to everyone in this thread - this man is an absolute miserable resentful jealous fun sponge who is sucking the joy out of your life

I'm afraid I agree 100% with @SamW98 take on this guy.

Nothingeverything · 02/08/2024 17:41

Please go OP. I think it will be so good for you and your kids.

MounjaroUser · 02/08/2024 17:48

OP, you are fussing about whether you could manage airports etc but the reality is that you're in a relationship with an abusive man.

You need to face up to that.

Anyone can be nice if you don't let the outside world in. You need to see people in clear daylight and watch their interactions with others to really know them.

Tbh the moment you said he barely tolerates your children, you lost me. Why would you be with someone like that?

WhisperGold · 02/08/2024 17:58

Ragrugflowerdots · 02/08/2024 11:13

He doesn’t always expect me to pay for things - we are pretty 50/50 and take it in turns.
I think the main issue is that I do feel responsible for him and his unhappiness. He feels he got a poor deal from his divorce and he doesn’t like his job much or have any friends really.
This means that I often feel bad about getting on ok at work or doing something with a friend, because this can lead him to go into a spiral about how bad his life is. How his job doesn’t pay him enough or recognise how good he is, how he hasn’t got any close friends and so if I don’t choose to spend my time with him he’s on his own if he hasn’t got his dc… I feel bad that he is unhappy and probably take that on too much. However, I do feel that his bitterness / anger is directed at me during those times, it feels like an attack.

I strongly suspect the relationship won’t stand me taking my dc on holiday, especially a holiday abroad. I’ve taken them for three or four nights in this country before but that’s it.
I guess I need to try and hold onto it not being my ‘fault’ that we are in different positions. He always says it’s easy for me to say that I’m not concerned about the disparity because I’m in the position of privilege and he says my background is different to his and I’ve grown up in a reasonably (but by no means wealthy) affluent household whereas his family weren’t as well off as mine. Again, I can’t do much about that. I wish he were happier. Overall he is dissatisfied with his life and that’s hard I guess.

You should take them on the Orient Express if it helps get rid of your miserable cunt of a boyfriend.

ThankTheLord · 02/08/2024 18:39

Ragrugflowerdots · 01/08/2024 22:32

He has met them - but they only really tolerate each other. He’s not used to more than one dc. Imo my dc are easier than his - but they are also mine so appreciate I am biased. Due to his son being autistic he much more rigid in terms of routine and gets peopled out quickly.
Bit like his dad tbh.

I’ll tell him this weekend that I’m planning on going the last week of August. I’ll see how it goes. I guess if he kicks off I have my answer. It feels unreasonable for me to take the dc when I do know he’d like to go abroad. I could perhaps go with him later in the year but I’d not go for ten nights. Maybe a short city break.
I know the issue will be the ‘unfairness’ of it. He’s broken up with me twice previously because of the unequal situation. Once when I bought my house and once when I had a new (not brand new, new to me) car.

I mean, it’s not like day to day we do anything differently to him tbh. I’m certainly not rich but I am comfortable and I am grateful for that.

Show quote history

OP, no, to our need to sack him off

How is it ok for him to kick off because your have unequal financial situations.

How is it your problem to solve? It sounds like he needs therapy.

ThankTheLord · 02/08/2024 18:41

Suggestion, sit down and envisage your future on your own, draw a picture, brainstorm all the things you would like to do. On your own, with friends, your children. Get really creative.Think about how you'll feel.

Then do the same visualisation if you joined with him....what would your future entail? How will the things you do make you feel?

Take your time doing this.

2sisters · 02/08/2024 18:49

@Ragrugflowerdots he sounds like a complete fun sucking vampire. Or a disease that infects happiness.