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Original poster

Want to start trying for a baby, partner not ready

134 replies

PerkyTurtle · 31/07/2024 18:35

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. I’m 35 and he’s 38. The first couple of years of our relationship were great and we were on the same page with future goals etc.. I started to discuss when we were going to take the next steps in terms of buying a property together and starting a family. He stated that the thought of trying for a baby terrified him, not for any particular reason other than it did. My desire for a baby has become stronger and in turn it has created resentment as I feel he’s given me no clear answer on when he might be ready to take the next step. This came to head a few months ago and the bottom line was that the resentment, hurt etc.. had damaged our relationship and how we were getting on as a couple. We agreed to get ‘us’ back on track however it’s now been a few months and whilst he is saying he now feels ready he still doesn’t think we are in a good enough place to consider trying for a baby. I have tried to explain that I’m not likely to be 100% happy in the relationship all the time we aren’t on the same page with this and my biological clock is ticking away.. He isn’t happy to just ‘see what happens’ by not taking any precautions and seems to be waiting for the perfect time for us to take the next stage but I fear the longer it goes on the less ‘perfect’ things will be as I can feel my resentment and impatience building which at times is making me question how I feel about him. I too am conscious it may take a while to fall pregnant, we may suffer miscarriages etc.. I’m so confused. I don’t want to walk away but I also don’t know how long I can neglect my own desires whilst trying to respect his feelings and own anxieties around starting a family. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Cadela · 31/07/2024 18:37

He doesn’t want to have a baby with you.

If you want a baby you need to get rid quick, and I would go for a fertility health check and potentially look into freezing some eggs so you have options. And I’d start dating like a full time job to find someone that was on the same wavelength as you and wants kids.

Honestly don’t waste your last fertile years on this man.

Original poster
PerkyTurtle · 31/07/2024 18:44

Thanks Cadela.. I should add we went for fertility tests earlier this year and thankfully there were no issues identified leading him to believe that we will be fine and don’t need to worry (which I know is not the case.) He does have diagnosed anxiety which is why I have tried to be patient but I can’t help but think ‘what will the next excuse be?’

OP posts:
heldinadream · 31/07/2024 18:45

Sweetheart I am so sorry but he is future faking you. He's stringing you along.
You don't have the time to waste on him. Do what you need to do and do it ruthlessly; put YOUR needs at the center of all your actions. Best of luck.

ByCupidStunt · 31/07/2024 18:45

What are your thoughts on marriage?

coodawoodashooda · 31/07/2024 18:46

There is no consequence for him behaving like this. You could lose your dreams

WhiteBedding · 31/07/2024 18:48

Honest opinion? I'd sit him down, tell him you love him but this is a deal breaker for you. He has to commit to trying for a baby now or you go your separate ways. He'll either come to the party or he won't but either way you know where you stand.

And if he does agree to try for a baby, be prepared to end up facing single parenthood if he goes along with having a baby and then it ultimately drives a wedge between you.

TemuSpecialBuy · 31/07/2024 18:49

You might have been for tests but this guy does not want kids with you

if you press on I would do it explicitly expecting and planning for life as a single parent (by that I mean know you are secure financially, have secure living accommodation for you and baby, you can pay for nursery and general living costs on your own, have family nearby for support) especially as you aren’t married… this guy will walk sooner rather than later and you won’t be entitled to much CMS is a joke

Deserthog · 31/07/2024 18:51

Do not have a baby with a man you are not married to unless you are in a much stronger financial position than he is.

Are you ?

SeeSeeRider · 31/07/2024 18:51

He doesn't want to have a baby with you, in fact he may not want to have a baby with anyone. There is no law that says every man in a sexual relationship with a woman is required to want a baby. However, decency and kindness mean he should be open with you about it. Also, your clock is ticking as they say, so you have every reason to finish with him.

Toomuchcuddles · 31/07/2024 18:52

If your 35 you don’t have time to waste, you need serious conversation if he wants kids you start trying now.

if he doesn’t want kids you break up and move on. Sounds harsh but how will you feel in 5 years when hasn’t been the right time and now will never have kids

BirthdayRainbow · 31/07/2024 18:53

It sounds like you want a baby rather than you want his..

SeeSeeRider · 31/07/2024 18:53

WhiteBedding · 31/07/2024 18:48

Honest opinion? I'd sit him down, tell him you love him but this is a deal breaker for you. He has to commit to trying for a baby now or you go your separate ways. He'll either come to the party or he won't but either way you know where you stand.

And if he does agree to try for a baby, be prepared to end up facing single parenthood if he goes along with having a baby and then it ultimately drives a wedge between you.

Unfortunately, a woman with baby signs in her eyes does tend to put many men off, and if it is the overwhelming reason for a relationship, that could be laying up trouble for later. Believe me, I've seen it happen.

HippeePrincess · 31/07/2024 18:55

I’d tell him youre coming off contraception and it’s up to him to prevent pregnancy however if he’s not ready to try in 3-6 months you’ll be leaving him. After 3.5 years and at your ages unless there’s a real reason he’s just stringing you along and doesn’t want a baby with you.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 31/07/2024 18:58

Cadela · 31/07/2024 18:37

He doesn’t want to have a baby with you.

If you want a baby you need to get rid quick, and I would go for a fertility health check and potentially look into freezing some eggs so you have options. And I’d start dating like a full time job to find someone that was on the same wavelength as you and wants kids.

Honestly don’t waste your last fertile years on this man.

First post nailed it.

I can't stand these future fakers.

He's 38, he needs to shit or get off the pot.

ZekeZeke · 31/07/2024 19:03

He doesn't want a baby with you.
What is your living situation?
Do you own property together/live together/rent?

StormingNorman · 31/07/2024 19:05

The tests kept you quiet and bought him some time. They weren’t a sign that he is in any way thinking about a baby right now.

He may want a baby in a year or two. He may never be ready.

You need to decide what you want and go for it: him or children? I don’t think you’re going to get both within the timescale you want if ever.

Hatty65 · 31/07/2024 19:06

He doesn't want a baby. And perhaps never will.

You don't have time to wait and need to end things now with him. He will fuck about forever and you will end up childless, crippled with resentment and probably alone.

There are absolutely no downsides for him in fucking you about for years like this. He'll keep doing it for as long as you stay with him, because his needs are being me (ie being childless). Yours aren't, Go now.

CleanShirt · 31/07/2024 19:08

Please don't try to cajole him into having a baby he doesn't want. Walk away now.

StrawberryWater · 31/07/2024 19:25

He doesn't want a baby and he's yet another man who is trying to age a woman out of their fertility. Get rid.

carly2803 · 31/07/2024 19:31

he does not want a baby with you

you need to pay your cards on the table - you do not have time to waste - sorry

Olika · 31/07/2024 19:31

He doesn't want to have a baby as if he did he wouldn't come up with all these excuses and this and that. You don't have time to waste so you need to do what's best for you.

nocoolnamesleft · 31/07/2024 19:34

To be fair to him, it sounds like fairly early in the relationship he told you he was terrified of having a baby. You should have listened, if it was so important to you. Listen now. You have to decide which is more important to you, the relationship, or trying to have a baby with someone else.

FloydPink · 31/07/2024 19:40

Just something to think about...

How important is this baby. You could push him away and lose an otherwise good relationship. You may meet the perfect man, fall in love quickly and then have a baby within a couple of years and live happily ever after. Or you may in desperation, have a baby with someone that was not right and in relationship terms, a mistake. You then split and all the hassle that entails...

Neither is right or wrong and if having a baby is THE goal, then you need to give him an ultimatum. But just take time to look at all angles.

Original poster
PerkyTurtle · 31/07/2024 19:42

Thanks everyone. To clarify a few points, early on we both said we wanted children, it was only when I tried to talk about trying that he said the whole thing terrified him.. I haven’t been on any contraception for over a year. I am financially independent of him after selling my property and moving in with him.. I’ve sold my home, moved my job and shown my commitment to us but the longer this goes on I can’t help but doubt everything. I guess part of me thinks / hopes he is coming round and that might not take as long as leaving and starting afresh but I also know I can’t wait forever 😞

OP posts:
Lemony3 · 31/07/2024 19:42

Yep ultimatum is needed. He may be anxious about parenthood. But will he be more anxious if he loses you? He has 2 choices follow through with the original plan or walk away. At 35 I would choose a baby before a wedding. He is 38 and his clock isn’t ticking but yours is. You need to want the same things don’t let him put blocks in the way of your future. I’m dating someone who wants children who doesn’t have them. I already do but I’m aware for us to work we need to be on the same page in the future.