Want to start trying for a baby, partner not ready

[PerkyTurtle]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. I’m 35 and he’s 38. The first couple of years of our relationship were great and we were on the same page with future goals etc.. I started to discuss when we were going to take the next steps in terms of buying a property together and starting a family. He stated that the thought of trying for a baby terrified him, not for any particular reason other than it did. My desire for a baby has become stronger and in turn it has created resentment as I feel he’s given me no clear answer on when he might be ready to take the next step. This came to head a few months ago and the bottom line was that the resentment, hurt etc.. had damaged our relationship and how we were getting on as a couple. We agreed to get ‘us’ back on track however it’s now been a few months and whilst he is saying he now feels ready he still doesn’t think we are in a good enough place to consider trying for a baby. I have tried to explain that I’m not likely to be 100% happy in the relationship all the time we aren’t on the same page with this and my biological clock is ticking away.. He isn’t happy to just ‘see what happens’ by not taking any precautions and seems to be waiting for the perfect time for us to take the next stage but I fear the longer it goes on the less ‘perfect’ things will be as I can feel my resentment and impatience building which at times is making me question how I feel about him. I too am conscious it may take a while to fall pregnant, we may suffer miscarriages etc.. I’m so confused. I don’t want to walk away but I also don’t know how long I can neglect my own desires whilst trying to respect his feelings and own anxieties around starting a family. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Don't have a baby with a man that doesn't really want one. You'll end uo miserable and stuck, not to mention the poor kid will end up with a part time parent

He doesn't want a baby. He will leave you childless. And then probably have a baby with someone else.

Time to assess whether your relationship with him is more important than having children. Because yes, there will always be an excuse until it's too late for you.

You are just about into now or never for time. You either start trying now or you leave him and look elsewhere.

This absolutely nails it!!

Even if he does fanny about and eventually decides he wants a baby, you'll probably find that your entire life with a child with him is spent with you being the driving force behind major decisions, caring for the child etc. Then once the resentment between you both slowly erodes the relationship, he will fuck off and find someone younger (and probably have kids with them!). Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

If I had my time again, I wish I could see the screaming obvious signs that I was oblivious to at the time that we weren't compatible and weren't on the same page with where our lives were headed. I wish I had kids with someone better. Don't be me OP.

What terrible advice. Don't do this.

Totally crackers.

Why ?

He doesn't want a baby with you. Sit him down, tell him you feel future faked. He's been stringing you along and is coming up with excuse after excuse why you can't start trying. You want a family, you have been clear from the outset. His actions are not matching with his words.

You love him, you've sold your home, changed jobs etc to he with him. Yet he keeps stalling and resentment is building. You don't have more time to waste so you're leaving to find someone who actually wants a family.

Agree. The worst advice ever!

I agree with everyone else sadly . If he's not wanting a baby at 38 he either doesn't want one at all or not with you , probably the former .

If you really want to be a mother look for someone else , at 35 time is not on your side , to meet someone , forge a relationship and if that person is good father material then get pregnant .

Good luck

If she's going to use a sperm donor she should use one who has actually agreed to donate his sperm and who will not have any parental responsibility for her child.

But he has told you. He's said he's terrified of having a baby. You've said he has anxiety.
If you did bully him into having a child, I can't see how the future would be happy.

You need to leave as this isn't the relationship for you.

Hmmm the whole issue of parental responsibility with donor gametes is contenscious.

A child has a right to information about their genetic heritage.

I honestly can't see it makes much odds if she gets pregnant from the man she is in a relationship with or a ONS or an anonymous donor. The end result is she will be a single mother. At least with this guy she would have something to tell the kid.

He is saying he doesn’t want a baby with you without stating explicitly that he doesn’t want a baby with you. There are no magic words to make him change his mind & become the happy excited potential father to be.

You need to take control of your life. If you want a baby you need to break with this man.

As opposed to what ? Remaining childless, because at 35 that is the most likely alternative. So as I said out of 2 less than perfect options I know which one I'd choose.

It will make a hell of a difference to the child! A human being. Knowingly bringing a child into the world to be rejected by its father is disgusting behaviour. The 'something to tell the kid' will be "I knew your father didn't want you but what I wanted was more important than your right to be wanted".

OP, in your first post you mentioned that you had spoken about buying a house together, as well as starting a family.
It looks as if he has not committed to that either, if you are living in his house. Unless you are in process of purchasing together?
Your position right now is precarious - his house, his refusal to start a family, your fertility dwindling.
You have made all the concessions, you moved, you changed your job, you sold up. Is the baby another concession?
He has committed nothing but a space in his bed.
You are being future faked.

I am sure he realises that you have a ticking clock and his fobbing you off is not an kind or sensible option.

If he does not want children he must say so clearly; and if continuing the relationship with his attitude is not an option for you, then you must say so.

This is not a situation that can continue.

He doesn't want a baby. You either accept it or move on.

Have you done much work with adopted people and those born by donor ?

The difference would be photos, stories, potentially relationships with grandparents. With donor insemination? - none. These things are vital for a person's cultural identity. He must have a few redeeming features or OP would hardly have spent 8 years of her life with him.

None of us on here know him but there is no evidence he is cruel or violent. Perhaps slightly anxious and indecisive- there are a thousand worse things to be.

Don’t have a baby without marrying this guy (unless you are wealthier than him).

If you are ethically opposed to sperm donation then you should be ethically opposed to women choosing to get pregnant in any circumstances other than with a man who is in full agreement.

If you use a sperm donor the child can have information about their genetic heritage. What they can't have is a relationship with that man. But they know that they exist because their mother wanted them so badly that she was willing to go it alone, and that their biological father did not abandon them but agreed to donate his gametes for that purpose.

If you deliberately get pregnant with a man who does not want a baby, your child can have information about their genetic heritage. (Although probably less so than with a sperm donor if it's a short relationship or one night stand and the father doesn't want to be involved.) The child might have a relationship with that man, or they might not. Nobody can force that relationship if the man doesn't want it. So they either get a part time dad or a completely absent dad, and eventually come to realise that their dad never wanted them in the first place and that's why they don't have the kind of relationship with him that many other kids have with their dads.

Personally I'd prefer to be the child of a sperm donor.

What makes you think a potential child would have any of those things if the OP deliberately spermjacks a man who doesn't want a baby and then leaves him?

Yes but what he said in the past and his actions now are two totally different things. I know it hurts to think this, but he is either stalling for time or outright lying to you. Either way, thats not a good foundation for being a father.

Yes your clock is ticking, but you do still have a good few years to find someone who loves and respects you enough to be honest with you

And also ..try to reframe things differently. You don’t just have “ a baby” . You are bringing a person into the world that you nurture and connect with for th rest of your life. And that usually means having a connection with the father too ( even if you split) . Do you want that under these circumstances?

You're focusing on the baby and I get why, but you haven't bought property together and you're not married. He's showing several signs here he's not committed to you.

I have to start work now so can't continue to argue with you. She has been in a relationship with this man for 8 years- in this day and age it would be absolutely extraordinary if there were no pictures of him in her possesion, if she hadn't met his parents (should he have them) and of course she will have stories to tell the child about how they met, their first date, holidays they took together. Your assertion that all of this rich heritage will be erased by a pregnancy he isn't fully supportive of is frankly bizzare.