Want to start trying for a baby, partner not ready

[PerkyTurtle]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. I’m 35 and he’s 38. The first couple of years of our relationship were great and we were on the same page with future goals etc.. I started to discuss when we were going to take the next steps in terms of buying a property together and starting a family. He stated that the thought of trying for a baby terrified him, not for any particular reason other than it did. My desire for a baby has become stronger and in turn it has created resentment as I feel he’s given me no clear answer on when he might be ready to take the next step. This came to head a few months ago and the bottom line was that the resentment, hurt etc.. had damaged our relationship and how we were getting on as a couple. We agreed to get ‘us’ back on track however it’s now been a few months and whilst he is saying he now feels ready he still doesn’t think we are in a good enough place to consider trying for a baby. I have tried to explain that I’m not likely to be 100% happy in the relationship all the time we aren’t on the same page with this and my biological clock is ticking away.. He isn’t happy to just ‘see what happens’ by not taking any precautions and seems to be waiting for the perfect time for us to take the next stage but I fear the longer it goes on the less ‘perfect’ things will be as I can feel my resentment and impatience building which at times is making me question how I feel about him. I too am conscious it may take a while to fall pregnant, we may suffer miscarriages etc.. I’m so confused. I don’t want to walk away but I also don’t know how long I can neglect my own desires whilst trying to respect his feelings and own anxieties around starting a family. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

What would she tell the child exactly?

Daddy didn’t want a baby so I got pregnant without telling him and left to raise you myself?

I have answered this.
But on this specific point " I so wanted a baby that I couldn't wait for your father to make his mind up, so I went ahead by myself" very much framing this as a positve choice.

Any how it sounds like OP's partner is making very sure she doesn't get pregnant- so I suspect he really doesn't want a child and isn't just a bit ambivalent.

Again, this is what sperm donors are for.

Children aren't stupid and they will see right through her "positive choice", which also most likely denies them the chance of any siblings.

That's a horrible lesson for a child, though. It's not a positive at all.

And you've presumed that grandparents would want to be involved, and they may not. Hell, my sons grandparents aren't involved and me and their son are very happily married with no drama. They just decided they didn't want to be grandparents.

There may not be stories, or grandparents, or history, because he may well (very reasonably) be pissed off that she got pregnant deliberately against his will, and he may then decide not to have anything to do with her or the child. Knowing "who" your Dad is won't help much if you also have to accept that he ditched you because of your mum's actions.

35 isn't the ideal time to be starting again, no. But that's why the impetus is on OP to decide what she wants, and stop waiting around for it from this man. It's not happening. It's a straight choice here, him or a potential child.

And after that, a potential child from a new-ish relationship; with the risk that 18 months to meet someone and get to know them may impact on fertility, or a sperm donor; like you said.

But presenting getting yourself accidentally pregnant as being in the best interests of the child is insane.

I'm a foster kid. There's loads of us without standard parents. Being rejected/abandoned by a parent isn't the type of pain that would be lessened by Mum having 100s of photos with him before you were born and knowing some of his life stories. It'd just make it feel more like you were the problem.

If he is bothering to use condoms when you both ‘want’ a child ‘at some point’ then actions speak louder than words and he is lying to you / and himself. Every time he puts on a condom it is a choice he is taking away from you.

time to him to get real. Stop with the condoms or stop with the relationship

I think you need to sit down with him and have a very frank conversation that says:
we are this age now, I am ready for a baby and on my timescale it needs to be now. What is your timescale. And what are we going to do to make this happen (if he says he is ready). If he says he is ready in the future not now then you state that you cannot afford waiting at your age any longer so if you two are not on the same page then you have to walk away. The older you get the more important it is to have blunt conversations that scare you but those convos open doors and take you forward with the right person. You have less time to waste so you have to act faster on things.

Whereas walking away and starting again ....as I said the OP is facing a range of not ideal options.
You think she'd be better off sourcing some sperm elsewhere, I think she'd do better to stick with what she knows. It doesn't sound as if the man in question will play ball anyway so it's a moot point.

Well, yes, it is. She's not on the pill so I assume they are using condoms, and the only way he is likely to stop using them is if he agrees to try for a baby with the OP.

If I were the OP I'd be issuing an ultimatum tonight and packing my bags if the response was anything other than an unequivocal "OK, let's start trying this month", and then getting seriously into the dating game whilst freezing embryos with donor sperm (finances permitting).

As others have said, you've made all the effort and it's time for him to take some positive action because at the moment he's showing you that marriage and kids are not in your mutual future.
As it stands if you were pregnant in the immediate future he'll be nearly 60 yrs old when your child is 21. How old were his parents when he turned 21?
It's not uncommon for people to essentially not feel their age, and for men in particular they can procrastinate almost indefinitely. You need to sit him down and have a hard conversation.

Don't waste your life waiting.