Want to start trying for a baby, partner not ready

[PerkyTurtle]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. I’m 35 and he’s 38. The first couple of years of our relationship were great and we were on the same page with future goals etc.. I started to discuss when we were going to take the next steps in terms of buying a property together and starting a family. He stated that the thought of trying for a baby terrified him, not for any particular reason other than it did. My desire for a baby has become stronger and in turn it has created resentment as I feel he’s given me no clear answer on when he might be ready to take the next step. This came to head a few months ago and the bottom line was that the resentment, hurt etc.. had damaged our relationship and how we were getting on as a couple. We agreed to get ‘us’ back on track however it’s now been a few months and whilst he is saying he now feels ready he still doesn’t think we are in a good enough place to consider trying for a baby. I have tried to explain that I’m not likely to be 100% happy in the relationship all the time we aren’t on the same page with this and my biological clock is ticking away.. He isn’t happy to just ‘see what happens’ by not taking any precautions and seems to be waiting for the perfect time for us to take the next stage but I fear the longer it goes on the less ‘perfect’ things will be as I can feel my resentment and impatience building which at times is making me question how I feel about him. I too am conscious it may take a while to fall pregnant, we may suffer miscarriages etc.. I’m so confused. I don’t want to walk away but I also don’t know how long I can neglect my own desires whilst trying to respect his feelings and own anxieties around starting a family. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

All of this.

It's immoral to wheedle someone into parenthood. Extremely unfair and can cause lifelong emotional issues to the resulting human being, who won't be an infant forever.

I'd be sitting him down and having a very frank discussion. He's 38, he should know whether he wants a baby or not by now. Oh and if everybody waited until their relationship and life was perfect, or near perfect then there wouldn't be any children born!!!

Well, there would be a lot fewer born into shitty, dysfunctional circumstances, that's for sure. We can only dream.

I haven’t been on any contraception for over a year.

He isn’t happy to just ‘see what happens’ by not taking any precautions

So are you using condoms?

Oh right ok so he should just agree to have a baby even though he has clearly said he doesn't think their relationship is in a good place?? OP has said

he still doesn’t think we are in a good enough place to consider trying for a baby.

I have tried to explain that I’m not likely to be 100% happy in the relationship all the time we aren’t on the same page with this

But yes, definitely bring a baby into the mix! That will make any relationship a lot stronger and less stressful!

OP, does he know you're not using contraception?

oh my god the poor man.. he's been honest and real with you, he's worried and anxious about starting a family!

if its not right for him, then you need to move on. theres no point trying to force him into it, i think its awful that people are suggesting an ultimatum! me or a baby??

and you are not using contraception yourself? i assume he is? so you are now basically forcing a baby on him.... jesus

this isn't about him, its about you. you have to decide are you going to stay and wait it out or are you going to end it and then try find someone who is more willing for babies right now.

Enough with the "poor man". If the poor man had any integrity he would be ending the relationship himself, rather than knowingly running down the OP's biological clock.

I didnt realise my reply needed to be statistically correct. Have I accidentally sat an A Level instead of commenting on a forum about relationships?!

ah here we go another 'its the mans fault!' hes told her he doesnt want a baby! she's the one still staying, why does he have to end it?

she knows the score.. he's made it very clear, and yet here she still is... not using contraception, (i can only hope he's been sensible and is using condoms).

why is it HIS fault HER biological clock is ticking? what a typical stupid feminist load of rubbish!

if she had any integrity she would grow some balls and leave him.. but shes not going to do that because her clock is ticking and its now or never, never mind if he's a willing participant or not!

i wonder what your response would be if HE wanted babies and SHE didn't... although we know how it would go... it would be all his fault AGAIN

You should never , ever try and persuade someone into having a baby..they must want to have one surely! I would cut your losses and move on.

They were in their 30s when they got together.

They were both on the same page about wanting children.

He then changed his mind and said he wasn't ready, when the OP was already at an age where if you want kids you should really start trying.

Another year and a half has elapsed and he still can't tell her whether he will ever be ready.

That is unconscionable.

Assuming he isn't completely thick, he knows that it becomes more difficult for women to get pregnant from their mid 30s onwards, and very difficult indeed after 40. So he knows it is crunch time for the OP, and yet he's still making excuses and acting like they still have time.

He still has time.

She doesn't.

So yes, he's being a selfish arsehole.

He needs to either decide he's ready now, or let her go so she can find another way of becoming a mother.

Fuck these time wasting man babies.

He doesn't want a baby with you

He's said honestly he's not ready, for quite some time now. That's wise, not selfish.

She should have and could have acted on that at any time, left and found a partner who was ready on her timetable.

This is not on him.

Are you suggesting OP tricks him into getting her pregnant?

they have been together 3.5 years! age has nothing to do with it.. people are allowed to change their mind, or is it the case that only women can change their minds?

why is it HIS fault they started dating at the back end of HER clock? you are being ridiculousl!

she knows the score, he's told her and told her and told her, and yet she's still there, now unprotected and hoping for a oopsie baby!

she's the one who needs to leave if she's that desperate for a baby?

but you will rant and rave until the cows come home that its the mans fault.. its always the mans fault!!

Tricks him how ?
If he willingly ejaculates in her vagina then pregnacy is a predictable outcome.
No trickery involved.
OP states she isn't using contraception. Obviously she can't prevent him from using a condom or getting a vasectomy.

Unfortunately I suspect they have been having unprotected sex for sometime already and she hasn't become pregnant, in fact actively trying to concieve in this case might involve fertility treatment. But this is all conjecture.

I don't think you're reading the same posts I am.

The OP, already in her early 30s, got together with a man already in his mid 30s who said he wanted to have children. Then when she'd already invested two years in the relationship he got cold feet. He didn't say, "actually, I don't want kids" though. He said the idea scared him, allowing her to hope that he'd get over his fear and do it anyway. (Because who isn't at least a little bit scared of having kids?)

She's given him another year and a half and he's still dithering. But now he's saying that he is ready to have kids but their relationship isn't in a good enough place. Well yeah, their relationship isn't in a good place right now because the OP has changed her job, sold her house, both metaphorically and literally put all her eggs in one basket for him and her time to become a mother is running out.

If he has changed his mind about wanting children, he needs to say, "I don't want children." Not, "I'm scared." Not, "I am ready for children but our relationship isn't in a good place right now. But, "I don't want children."

If he wants children someday but not right now with the OP, he needs to say, "I don't want to have children with you right now and I might never want to have children with you, so either you make your peace with that or we should go our separate ways."

If he's not sure whether he wants children or not he needs to say, "I don't know whether I want children someday and I need more time to decide. I have the luxury of time but you don't, so if this is a deal-breaker for you then we are not compatible and we should go our separate ways."

He's not saying any of that.

He's actually now saying he's ready for children in an abstract sense but not with the OP right now because their relationship isn't good at the moment. As if the fact that their relationship isn't good at the moment is all the OP's fault, and nothing to do with the fact that she's getting anxious because her time is running out and he's still FUCKING DITHERING.

It reads as though, having arsed about for the last few years and whinged about how the idea of having kids "scares him", he's now turned round and said, "Actually I am ready for kids now and I would be willing to have them with you now if you'd been more of a cool girl and not tried to hurry me along. But because you put pressure on me I'm now going to double down and keep wasting your time just to punish you."

Poor man, indeed.

Thanks everyone. There is no ‘trickery’ going on with him using protection so certainly no accidental baby.. Yes it’s right with him saying a few times he’s not ready but it’s always been followed up with the fact that he does want children and to be with me.. I feel like I’ve been more than accommodating to try and give him time to figure it out / overcome his anxieties but it’s at the point now where I’m now losing patience and might have to make a decision I don’t want to make.

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In that case you spell it out for him.

He can have children, with you, now.
Or he can have children, with someone else, later.
Or he can not have children, and not be with you.

Those are his three options. Either he picks the first one or you separate. You don't really care whether he picks the second or third option because it won't be anything to do with you. You will be busy finding another way to have children, without him.

@PerkyTurtle I completely get how difficult it is but you need to take charge of your life now! If you stay with him under the promise of "maybe one day" what's going to happen 2-3 years down the line if he changes his mind and then you've still got to move on and find someone else and you're closer to 40??

I've never really been on board with the idea of 'future faking' as a deliberate act. I think many of you would be very surprised how little the average man, even one in his 30s in a LTR, knows about women's fertility, how the chances decrease with age, and so on. Not that this makes it any better for the woman in this position, but most alleged 'future fakers' are just indecisive ditherers/can't bear to let go of an easy child free life, instead of malicious actors

Also @PerkyTurtle - just to give you a little insight into what might happen if you give him an "ultimatum" like so many people are suggesting...

My best friend essentially "tricked" her boyfriend into pregnancy after years and years of him saying "maybe one day" (not saying you would do this but it's similar to offering an ultimatum!). They had the baby and then he left literally 3 months later and said he didn't want to be tied down with a family! Bloody awful behaviour by him but she was also stupid for what she did.

He's now with someone else (who actually has kids already despite him not wanting a family allegedly!) and he has their little girl every weekend. So now my friend is a single parent and has to watch her ex co-parent their baby with his new girlfriend and play happy families with her and her kids.

She wouldn't change the baby for the world but she thought she was doing something clever and it backfired massively.

They went for a fertility check up earlier on in the year so I think we can assume it is on his radar at least a little bit.

Mind you, I suspect that those clinics tend to tell single women that they need to worry in the hope that they'll pay £££ to freeze their eggs or do IVF with donor sperm, and couples in their 30s that everything looks normal in the hope that they'll leave it too late to conceive naturally and be back in a couple of years for IVF.