Want to start trying for a baby, partner not ready

[PerkyTurtle]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. I’m 35 and he’s 38. The first couple of years of our relationship were great and we were on the same page with future goals etc.. I started to discuss when we were going to take the next steps in terms of buying a property together and starting a family. He stated that the thought of trying for a baby terrified him, not for any particular reason other than it did. My desire for a baby has become stronger and in turn it has created resentment as I feel he’s given me no clear answer on when he might be ready to take the next step. This came to head a few months ago and the bottom line was that the resentment, hurt etc.. had damaged our relationship and how we were getting on as a couple. We agreed to get ‘us’ back on track however it’s now been a few months and whilst he is saying he now feels ready he still doesn’t think we are in a good enough place to consider trying for a baby. I have tried to explain that I’m not likely to be 100% happy in the relationship all the time we aren’t on the same page with this and my biological clock is ticking away.. He isn’t happy to just ‘see what happens’ by not taking any precautions and seems to be waiting for the perfect time for us to take the next stage but I fear the longer it goes on the less ‘perfect’ things will be as I can feel my resentment and impatience building which at times is making me question how I feel about him. I too am conscious it may take a while to fall pregnant, we may suffer miscarriages etc.. I’m so confused. I don’t want to walk away but I also don’t know how long I can neglect my own desires whilst trying to respect his feelings and own anxieties around starting a family. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

This is just statistically untrue OP's odds of finding an alternative father for her children is 50% at best.

Your advice was literally that she should get pregnant and leave.

So what, she gets herself knocked up, then goes off to live a separate life as a single mum, and then ten years from now when her (most likely only) child starts asking about their dad, she whips out the photo album and shows pictures of the two of them together on holiday in Majorca before explaining that he didn't want a baby so she tricked him into getting her pregnant and then fucked off, and that's why they have so little family?

No, that is frankly bizarre.

I don't think you understand statistics.

I would assume given she wants to have a child with this man she would at least offer him a relationship with the child.

Can I ask you again how much experience do you have with people who have grown up separated from their birth family ?

If only you knew.... it is an intergral part of my work. I have post graduate qualifications which require a in depth understanding of demographic data.

So it's OK to dishonestly manipulate someone into having a child they don't want because then you can offer them the opportunity to have a relationship with the child that they didn't want?

That makes perfect sense.

And if he doesn't want a relationship with the child he didn't want, how do you explain that to the child?

If something is "statistically untrue" and the OP has a less than 50% chance of finding a man who wants to have children with her before her time runs out, presumably you can show us the data you used to come up with that suspiciously neat 50% figure.

Because if you don't have any data, you don't have any statistics.

I know people who went down the donor route. They know their donor's background. They have photos of their donors as children. Many of them even have the option to contact their donors. Those children were brought into the world wanted and planned for. Not one of those children are dealing with their father's rejection or him flitting in and out of their lives.

Stories and photos about a man who doesn't want you, or doesn't care about you, are meaningless. How would that even go? "Here is a photo of your father from the time we went camping at the Lake District. We got eaten alive by midgies. It was funny. " What would that achieve!? How is that promoting their cultural identity?

You know nothing about the OP's relationship with her partner's parents. You know nothing about him either. Telling her to just get pregnant and fuck the consequences is disgraceful.

💯

If you really really want to have a baby you need to prioritise it now. And that means really prioritise it. In your shoes I’d end the relationship and get down to the sperm bank. I’m not convinced it’s a good idea to start dating, meet someone, move in, start trying for a baby…realistically that could be another 2 years before you’re even ready to start trying. Your partner doesn’t want a baby and all he’s doing is making future faking noises while your fertility starts draining away. It’s all very well freezing eggs, etc. but all that does is give you a chance at motherhood when nature doesn’t work anymore - and it’s great, but it sounds like you’re ready now, not that you want to wait another 7 or 8 years.

OP, I had my first child at 37. Before that I’d had three miscarriages. We started trying when I was 33. If you want this you need to do what it takes to get it to happen.

You need to have another chat and explain that you can’t wait, you need a yes or no and waiting isn’t an option.

And if he does agree to try for a baby, be prepared to end up facing single parenthood if he goes along with having a baby and then it ultimately drives a wedge between you.

This is what I was going to say. To all those saying give him an ultimatum, there's a very high chance he'll end up going along with it but then realise when baby is here that he was right about his doubts and will leave you as a single mum.

I would say he doesn't want a baby so you either live with that or leave and find someone who does.

https://ideas.ted.com/when-should-you-settle-down/

Some stuff here

But there is also a reasonable likelihood that if OP has a baby he’ll love it once it arrives. Many men or more ambivalent than women about babies and they are much more of an abstract idea until the baby arrives.
The key thing is how much he loves the op - if he really prioritises her happiness or his own perceived freedom.

Some stuff about conception

@Neurodiversitydoctor The opening line of the OP says that she has been with him for 3.5 years. I'm not necessarily disagreeing with you on other points, but the 8 years you think they have been together is a mistake.

That's...not data.

In which case she needs to sit down with him tonight and say, "I'm not willing to wait any longer for you to be ready to try for a baby. Either we start trying this month, or I am leaving you. I wish it didn't have to be this way but having children is really important to me, and you've known this since the beginning so you can't say I've changed the rules of the game here. I cannot afford to let you run my biological clock down. It's now, with you, or as soon as possible, without you."

👏👆
With knobs.

This happened to me. My partner of 8 years always talked about having kids. I got to 35 and said, I’m ready, I think we need to seriously start thinking about trying for a baby. He said he wasn’t ready and we agree we’d give it another 6 months. Just before my 36th birthday he ended things as he ‘didn’t want kids’. After years of talking about them, even things like nursery decorating.
I didn’t meet anyone to have kids with after that. It took a long time to accept it. I am with a lovely (ish) guy now who has two children but I won’t have my own as it’s too late. It took so long to meet someone decent and by that time it was too late for me.
It’s hard to hear I know, but in your shoes I’d give up the relationship and find someone who does want kids. Good luck!

He has diagnosed anxiety. Imagine how much worse it's going to get when there's a screaming baby. A tantrumming toddler. And when he's in his fifties - the adolescent dramas? It's going to be bad.

He's told you he's terrified, and has been doing so for quite a while.

I think you maybe haven't listened, or just haven't heard under the din of the ticking clock.

But yes, he's also future faking. The tests and the maybe baby are him playing for time. Putting it off, quieting the clock. For now.

There are two things in play here.

Either he doesn't want and never will truly want to be a father.

Or he doesn't want children ... with you.
This may be one of those cases where you split up soon - and the next thing you hear, he's married with a child.

Or in five - ten years time you're in the throes of peri menopause plus grief over the children who never were, he can't stand it any longer, leaves you for a younger woman and boom ... baby.

You might get pregnant and to hell with the consequences - a resentful, anxious and inadequate father of an unwanted child.

Or the fairy sprinkles magic dust and he transforms into a besotted ideal dad (plus bonus proposal.) Unlikely.

Or you get pregnant, and split up and go it alone. Could you? You've left your job and sold your home. I hope you have a good job and pension and savings.

Don't think about the sunk costs already invested in this relationship. Consider - so what do you WANT? Tick tock.

Him as your partner for life?

Or children?

Unfortunately, both are not an option with this man.

Agree with this.

I’m sorry OP. I wish we women had lessons on how to avoid wasting years on men who aren’t that into us. So far, you did all the committing to the relationship here by talking about moving in together, moving job, selling your property and helping him pay for his, halving his bills, helping round the house etc. He made no effort, could ask you to leave any time.

You made yourself vulnerable. And here we have him going backwards on wanting children (and I assume no engagement/marriage plans).

My friend was in this exact position many years ago. Moved her whole life across the country. Eventually she gave the ultimatum and he said he didn’t want to marry her but liked living with her. She left. He was married with a kid within a year.

I would tell him you are going to start looking for a property to buy, you could say it’s for buy to let if it makes it easier, but then move into it. Do this before property prices move out of reach. I hope you didn’t invest too much of your equity into his house.

What you can’t afford to do is wait another 3.5 years.

He would know by now if he saw that future with you, and you would be in no doubt.

By the way, if he is the one, moving out won’t end the relationship, it could make him get his act together. Either way you find out.

💐

Is his anxiety being treated? I think if want one last throw of the dice maybe counselling can help you both reach a mutually acceptable decision.

He needs to know that this is too important to you to be left up to a mythical ‘right’ time in the future. If his reluctance is anxiety driven then what is he actively doing to address it and no, crossing his fingers, isn’t proactive.

If I’m honest OP, he doesn’t sound like co parent material.

I'm sorry OP, but your partner is a liar and a coward. He lied to you at the beginning, you sold your house, left your job and moved to a new area for your promised future. Would you have done any of that had you know that he was lying? I doubt it! He is now cowardly waiting until your clock stops. From your posts, it seems he has done absolutely nothing to commit to you. You're not even married, no doubt he thinks it's 'just a piece of paper'. There is no happiness for you in that house with him.
Please don't lower yourself to pleading with him, or getting pregnant accidentally on purpose! He is telling you in his cowardly way that you're not 'the one', but you'll do for now. You're worth more than that. Leave with your head held high, and do it soon. You still have time to meet the right man, and when things are right there is no reason that marriage and babies can't happen quite quickly.
Good luck 👍

Honestly, don't have a baby with that man, it's not fair to the baby as he clearly doesn't want a child. You need to leave and look at options for a baby on your own. And oh my god, why did you sell your property to move in with him?