Want to start trying for a baby, partner not ready

[PerkyTurtle]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. I’m 35 and he’s 38. The first couple of years of our relationship were great and we were on the same page with future goals etc.. I started to discuss when we were going to take the next steps in terms of buying a property together and starting a family. He stated that the thought of trying for a baby terrified him, not for any particular reason other than it did. My desire for a baby has become stronger and in turn it has created resentment as I feel he’s given me no clear answer on when he might be ready to take the next step. This came to head a few months ago and the bottom line was that the resentment, hurt etc.. had damaged our relationship and how we were getting on as a couple. We agreed to get ‘us’ back on track however it’s now been a few months and whilst he is saying he now feels ready he still doesn’t think we are in a good enough place to consider trying for a baby. I have tried to explain that I’m not likely to be 100% happy in the relationship all the time we aren’t on the same page with this and my biological clock is ticking away.. He isn’t happy to just ‘see what happens’ by not taking any precautions and seems to be waiting for the perfect time for us to take the next stage but I fear the longer it goes on the less ‘perfect’ things will be as I can feel my resentment and impatience building which at times is making me question how I feel about him. I too am conscious it may take a while to fall pregnant, we may suffer miscarriages etc.. I’m so confused. I don’t want to walk away but I also don’t know how long I can neglect my own desires whilst trying to respect his feelings and own anxieties around starting a family. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

It's obviously not fair to generalise, but I think if a 38 year old man doesn't know if he's ready to become a parent, he either does not want children at all and is too scared to be honest with you, or is someone who is unable to make difficult, consequential decisions about his life. Neither sounds great, to be honest

At 38 he should know if he wants a baby or not.

He should also appreciate that at 35 you need to get a move on.

Ultimatum time. Tell him you start trying now or it's over. If he starts stringing you alone with anything other than agreement then you have your answer.

He doesn't want children, OP.

He might decide he wants children in 5 years time, he might not. You need to decide if having a child is the most important thing for you and how that will work as a single parent because the reality is likely that you could do it yourself, or rush into a new relationship with someone else and end up a single mum or force this man into a child he doesn't want/isn't ready to have and destroy the relationship you do have.

If you are happy with that reality, you have nothing to lose whatever the situation. A serious conversation with your partner and freezing eggs might be a better option if you actually want to have a family with him and not just have a child.

Disregard anything he said in the past about wanting children. Only your most recent conversations are relevant and he doesn’t want children now. As a man, he doesn’t have to think about whether he doesn’t want children in the next year or two, or doesn’t want children ever.

At nearly 40, most people would be ready if they were ever going to be.

I’m not a fan of the MN ultimatum. It feels more than slightly coercive. And as PP have said, he may (reluctantly) agree and then leave you later on when the reality hits.

If you want his final answer, tell him you need to end the relationship because you want a baby and can’t be happy without one. Let him do the maths.

If you aren’t on contraception then is he using condoms ?

or you just haven’t got pregnant yet?

he sounds like a future faker.

A man in love with a woman will be open to having a child and would absolutely know by this point if they are willing and want to make it happen.

He said he wanted children, saying things like this is very easy to do, it probably wasn't even an idea he had thought out but was an abstract,

" yeah sure I'll probably have kids in the future "

This future can be at any age for men btw.

When you started talking about it properly you got an honest answer, you backed off which bought him more time ( your time he was wasting ) the tests did the same thing.

This man is not committed to you, hasn't married youn has he even proposed? He hasn't given you a time frame.

He does not want children anytime soon ( next 5yrs ) or he doesn't want yours.

The man is wasting your time... you are his good enough for now place holder, holding out for when children are no longer possible because of your age, or when he finds a better option.

I wouldn't even give him an ultimatum, I'd just leave and start dating with a very clear purpose to find a man that wants the same thing you do when you want them.

As some PPs have said, be careful of an ultimatum that just pressures him into going along with things.

What you need to do is to make it clear that you need him fully committed. Having a baby will turn the relationship upside down. You'll be dead tired, have little time for yourselves or eachother, might completely loose your libido while breastfeeding etc etc etc.

He needs to be fully on board with dedicating his life to being a dad, with you as an equal partner, eyes open for the rough times ahead. If the foundations are solid, you're asking for trouble.

He can do it. You just need to make it clear it's time to step up.

So is he using condoms if you aren't using contraception?
I think it is pretty clear he doesn't want children just now op which to be fair is absolutely his right but if your desire to have children is stronger than your commitment to this relationship you would be wise to walk away and persue your desire to have children, don't let him stop you doing this

Be careful if fertility tests as it might also give you a false sense of security. They can test for your numbers of egg reserve but it doesn't indicate the quality of the eggs. Also, egg freezing gives you a false sense of security. After extraction similarly you don't know how many eggs you need to get pregnant as eggs die off during defrosting, may not fertilise with sperm etc. A woman in a documentary froze 11 eggs and when she felt it's time to try to get pregnant none of the eggs worked and she's held off too long to be able to get pregnant with her own eggs.

He lied to you to get your trust. Find a man who wants this with you rather than wasting time.

Red flags all over here. To be perfectly blunt, some of them are you. You can't pressure someone who doesn't want a child into having one. Yes, he is stringing you along so most of the flags are him. It's also just a very bad idea. Having a baby is HARD AS NAILS and having one with someone who doesn't want one is going to be absolutely awful. Especially if you then break up and have to deal with all that fall out, custody etc. Then you're trapped. Do not do it!

This 100%.

I'm sorry OP, I've been there. I got out as I realised that my then partner and I were not aligned enough and that for me, being a mum was too important to not try my absolute best to have that chance.

To caution on the fertility testing front, these can offer false assurances. When trying for our second I unfortunately lost 3 babies in a row. All late first trimester missed miscarriages. None of the specialists knew why, I had one healthy pregnancy already behind me, tests showed no issues and I had good egg reserve. I was over 35 but at that point well under 40 and from all fertility tests nothing flagged. I eventually found the cause to be something quite obscure and had to jump through many hoops to get taken seriously and see the right specialists. We eventually were lucky to have our rainbow baby but the journey was life changingly devastating, partly what got me through it was my husband and I both wanted the same things and that just gave us strength and kept us going. Don't settle for anyone who is not on the same page as you. It doesn't sound to me like you have been overly pressurising. What can you do, you've made it clear that it's important to you, your partner says he's not ready so you have to respect that but at the same time you don't need to just wait around until he may be ready one day. I personally would leave this relationship now and look for someone who is on the same page. Becoming pregnant (and maintaining the pregnancy) can be very difficult, and once you're there being parents is even harder. You don't want to start that journey with any lingering resentments.

I had every test under the sun that showed we were 'fine' but no test can show you your egg quality and we had unexplained infertility. I needed ivf

Don't waste your time with somone who doesn't want kids with you x

This 100%.
Leaving him doesn't necessarily mean you'll met the perfect man straight away who wants a baby. That could take years too. It's difficult I know as you could stay in this relationship that could ultimately work out and lead to kids or he could also end up agreeing to have a baby even though he doesn't want one and that could lead to him being resentful and also (worse case scenario) him not being a great dad. Not really fair on the future kid either if that happened. It's hard to know what to do for the best but I think for now, you just need to have a conversation open and honest, everything you've said here. See what he says and then follow your gut. Ultimately you will know the right thing to do and what's best for you.

He doesn't want a baby as said. Can you afford a baby? Many people get onto it then realise that actually it's a lot more expensive and harder than they ever imagined.

If you have the practicalities sorted (wanting a baby isn't enough IMO) then go and find someone else.

Totally agree. The fertility journey is the toughest thing I've ever experienced and to not have a true partner who wants it as much as you do, who wants to be there for you and support you etc. will hurt you ultimately. If you give an ultimatum there may be resentment down the line when the going gets tough and sleep deprivation hits. You can be one of those married "single" parents and if you split, it will impact the kids. Best to bring children into a world where they are surrounded with love and being wanted.

OP you are taking a risk at 35 to start looking for a partner but love is about taking risks. If you guys are not aligned with having kids and he strings you along, how much does this person respect and love you? If he loves you, he would realise this is important to you, that for women biological clock is ticking and will actively plan and discuss this with you. To help you achieve your goals and be the best version of you. He's only thinking about himself at the moment. With or without kids is this person a lifelong partner material?

If he wanted to have a baby with you he would. He doesn't. So sorry, OP.

It's over, op. Do not allow this man to steal your fertility away from you, because that's exactly what he will do. There will no no consequences for him stringing you along, he simply doesn't care about the position he's putting you in. Packing your things and go. Just leave him.

He sounds like those people who say they want children one day because they assume that desire will happen eventually. But sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes that feeling of "now I want them" doesn't happen. He's going to string you along in the hope that his feelings will change eventually. But at his age, and after 3.5 years in a relationship, if he wanted children, he would know it. You might never meet another man to have children with, but that is still better than letting this one steal your last fertile years because he is too selfish to tell you the truth - that he doesn't want children with you and can't say he ever will.

He doesn't want children OP, at least not with you. He's just saying what you want to hear.

Have one last conversation. If the thought of losing you isn't enough to motivate him, then the relationship is effectively over.

You need to get yourself back on the housing ladder fast before it slips out of your reach, and build a life where you can go it alone.

You have a maximum of 10 years left, possibly less. Hopefully you will meet someone else but if not, I've been a single mum to ds for 16 years and have coped fine.

We started trying when I was 33. Neither of us had fertility issues. I didn't manage to have my first baby until I was nearly 37 - and I was really lucky as our second round of IVF worked. We never had any reason for why I couldn't get pregnant. If you know you definitely want kids, I'm so sorry but you're going to have to leave. You absolutely cannot be confident that you'll be able to have a baby on demand in your late 30s.

This I am sorry OP. Get pregnant and get rid.

Objectively, both his words and his actions are that he does not want a baby with you right now, and he’s not sure when he will. All the rest is just words added to make you feel better when you tell him how upset it makes you.

It would be ludicrous to have a baby with someone who is very likely to bail, he’s scared and not ready. Babies aren’t easy. You’d very likely be deciding to raise your baby alone, and for them to potentially have no real Dad in their lives. It’s also ludicrous to stay and hope he changes his mind in time if a baby is what you really want.

I know this is really difficult, but for now, you have to focus on accepting the truth, which is that he doesn’t want a baby with you right now. Given his age, there’s a real chance he never will.

It would be ludicrous to have a baby with someone who is very likely to bail, he’s scared and not ready. Babies aren’t easy. You’d very likely be deciding to raise your baby alone, and for them to potentially have no real Dad in their lives. It’s also ludicrous to stay and hope he changes his mind in time if a baby is what you really want.

Did you miss the bit where OP said she is 35 ? I guess it depends on how important motherhood is to you but I would get pregnant ASAP- yes knowing I might end up doing it solo- worse things happen at sea and all that....

This. Only sensible answer on here. Most of others are women telling you to move on, with no understanding of the facts of your relationship. Get the facts, then act.