What tipped you over the edge if it was never quite bad enough to leave?

[SpeccyDoodler]

DH is a ‘nice guy’ but has had some stinkers over the years. Each time, I think about leaving but it all settles down and we bumble on again. Barely any intimacy for years. Both early 40s, one DS12 plus several years of failed fertility processes.

Nothing recently has been particularly bad but one wee thing has tipped me into absolute rage that I’m struggling to hold in.

I think I’m done. If you eventually left after 10 years of it being not quite bad enough, what tipped it for you? How did you start the conversation? I’m fit to burst.

An ex of many years ago, who was pretty emotionally abusive and controlling anyway. I woke up one morning right on the edge of the (king size) bed and I kindly and quietly asked him if he could move over a bit. He then started ranting at me about how I always take up all the bed and he never complains (I'm tiny btw) Carried on after we got up too. Right in that moment I knew I was done, the stupid fucker actually thought I was dumping him over that exact argument too. Told other people that aswell

Sometimes it's just the straw that broke the camels back hey?

I’m sorry you went through that. Nothing of that level here, just fairly frequent, low level thoughtlessness and total lack of appreciation for anything I do.

This particular straw is about him thinking he does nearly everything at dinner time (he doesn’t). Casually ignoring that he only ever makes Freezer Surprise, and that he only makes the dinner because I finish work later due to doing the school runs (his choice re this).

it sounds so trivial written down.

Mine was when I asked him to get me painkillers as I had an operation and wasn't allowed out for three days and he went to the pub all afternoon instead

It doesn't matter at all what the trigger is. It sounds like you've been roommates only for a while now, there could be a lot more out there for you, you're allowed to pursue happiness without having anyone 'validate' your reasons.

When I realised his shittiness had had a vastly greater impact on my 13 year old than I ever realised. Then he wouldn't let me sleep in my own bed on Xmas eve. Swore it was the last Christmas he'd ruin 🤬 Just leave, it's better on the other side, despite the challenges

Telling me he married me for his convenience (I was paying for everything) and he didn’t love me, all a few days after my dad died.

I put up with years of abuse but after that I was done and planned my departure.

Watching with interest in the same position. Years of crap marriage but we always seem to get past the hiccups and roll along. I’m pretty much finished though due to last hiccup.

How awful!

I had a tough day at work, I came home and he started ranting about something stupid (like he often did), without noticing I had a bad day. It was just too much and without a plan I just told him it was over.

Knowing he was 5 years off retirement and then I would have his anger and sulks 24/7 until I died... or probably killed myself. I want to live so he got the divorce papers.

When I had no respect for him any more

When he came home drunk and pissed up the livingroom door thinking it was a urinal. I had only the week before spent 4 solid days decorating the room including painting said door.
Same as you, nice enough guy but I realised I couldn't cope with the crap any more.

We went to a wedding. We'd been together 4.5 years. I realised watching the service that the couple whose wedding it was (they were his friends) had been together 2 months less then us, and in that time had succeeded in having a long distance relationship, getting engaged, buying a house, moving to the other side of the country and planning a wedding. We spent all the time rowing about petty things. Including him telling me we wouldn't get married unless I lost weight.

At the reception, we were sitting next to a couple from Manchester. I said that I'd lived in Manchester for a few years and the thing that always stuck in my mind about living in Manchester was how often it rained. They laughed and said it was true. It was a throwaway comment, the type of thing you say when you're making small talk to strangers. The next thing I knew I felt a sharp jab in my ribs and he muttered to me that I'd embarrassed him being incredibly rude to these people by insulting their home town and that I needed to shut up.

Later on, at the wedding ceilidh he made sure that everyone knew he was embarrassed to dance with me, pushing me around as if he was trying to get it over with quickly. A friend of his from university, who I'd never met, looked at me and must have realised how sad I looked as he asked me to dance.

It was death by a thousand cuts that relationship. That was the last cut though.

Sorry to hear you're having problems.

Sounds like your situation is very frustrating for you but from what you've described DH's behaviour doesn't seem anywhere near as bad as some of these other comments. That said I only know a small part of your situation and not hear to judge.

One thing I would do is ask yourself is have you put in 100% effort to trying to fix the relationship over the past x number of years? Did the lack of intimacy just happen over night or has it happened over time?

From my own experience when DH and I had a similar situation a few years back I don't think I gave my all to trying to fix the relationship due to all the pent up frustration and resentment I had. I'm not saying DH was an innocent party here, far from it, but I wasn't exactly squeaky clean myself.

We eventually got help via counselling, although the sessions were online during lockdown.

Just some food for thought when you and DH have been together for such a long time and DS is involved.

Watching this thread with keen interest as I had to put up with my partner shouting at me saying I'm uselsss, worthless and good for nothing 2 days after I came back from the hospital from giving birth. He can't control his emotions

Not me, my friend.
I asked her recently what the tiny scar near her eye was from. She said it was her son’s father, after months and months of his bad moods, sneering at her, putting her down, demanding sex etc, she tried to get past him to get her son’s pram out his car as he was playing games with her and didn’t want her to get it ‘until I say so’. He put his hand up to stop her but he had his lanyard with keys in his hand and it swung up and hit her in the face. She honestly thinks he didn’t intend to do that, he was just being a knob over the pram as his abuse never usually left marks or evidence. She ran to the living room, grabbed the baby and left with just her handbag and his changing bag, and got on a bus then a train to get to her dad’s house.
She has since met a lovely husband who adopted her son who is now grown up and cared for them both, although she said if she had been alone forever that would have been ok after that.

Counselling only works if BOTH parties are willing to do the work. If his actions seem like he wants to stay but he doesn't communicate very well, then absolutely go down the therapy route but it's very rare this is the case tbh.

It's well documented that abuse can start when the woman is trapped, either at pregnancy or after childbirth. Please contact Women's Aid, and speak to your health visitor and/or midwife. You really do need to leave

I have facial scarring from an accident years ago. He came back from an overseas trip after us being apart for two months and it one of the first things he said to me when he looked at me “God that scarring never did improve, did it?”

I knew then he was already gone. He also proceeded to tell me the way home how he couldn’t wait to get back to the country he had been away working in. I felt I had been pushing a boulder up a hill and just couldn’t do it any more.

There were huge problems in the marriage but I had grown so used to them. But that car journey was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I’m so sorry for what some of you have gone through. Much more low level here generally but some of the issues we’ve bumbled through have just chipped away at me over the years:

I had horrendous endometriosis, in such a rare position that consultants did an urgent biopsy because they were worried what the lump was. I got the call at 8pm one night to say it wasn’t cancer, it was an endometrioma. DH was in some huff or other at the time. When I got off the phone he didn’t say a word.

Night before a vaginal IVF scan I asked if he’d come to the hospital with me for moral support as I knew the male dr was a bit rough and could do with some moral support. He said no because he’d told his folks he’d pop in for a coffee.

Neither of these are horrendous abuse like some of what’s been mentioned. It’s just so… draining.

Death by 1,000 tiny cuts is it. When nothing is really awful, at what point do you say enough is enough? Sigh.

I think both of those are very hurtful OP so I can see where you’re coming from.
I also read a book recommended on here called “Too Good to leave, Too bad to Stay” just to help me refine my very muddled thinking on the matter. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I think those things are worse than you think they are OP. They’re not the actions of someone who loves or cares about you x

Ex was driving me home after I'd spent a week on a trip with my disabled dad. He was so vile to a total stranger in a car park over nothing that a smattering of patience would have solved.
He'd have behaviours like it from time to time but they were getting more frequent and this was the last straw.
I told him I wanted to split up. He assumed something had happened while I was away.
Something had in as much as I'd spent a week with a group of people who faced challenges every day just to get through the day and ex was flying off the handle over something so utterly trivial as another driver being slow in a car park.
We limped on for another six months but I couldn't face the thought of growing old with him so left. We'd been together for nearly 20 years.

I would reframe it tbh - you are asking 'is it bad enough?' but I would ask 'is it GOOD enough.'

Is this the love you dreamt of? (Not being silly but you get it.) Is this what your grandparents or parents had? Is this level of support something you would be proud to be partnered with in front of your work colleagues or on a holiday meeting lovely strangers? (Terribly worded, I apologise, it is late.)

When the heart is sad, there is usually a reason and the stories you are telling me, no they are not horrendous but they are hardly the acts of a man and woman who adore each other are they, so no wonder you feel as you do. x I would leave, I would get myself together and have another go at finding a superb life partner, one who makes me feel cherished and who is genuinely my best friend. This treatment here is not good enough x

It IS abuse OP. It is emotional abuse.

I was going through something bad health wise and was explaining it to stbx (of 40 years) when he suddenly showed me a tictok. I said why are you showing me a video, he replied "its not like I can do anything about your health can I?" in a really shitty, angry voice and walked off. No sympathy, nothing. Just totally blanked.

The next day he started complaining about his bad ankle. Instead of sympathising or offering to get him a cup of tea like I normally would, I walked off. He sat there with his mouth wide open. I'm sad to say, it felt good. But that isn't who I am but I can no longer be nice to someone who has so little regard for me. One day this will be you. Try and leave before you are broken.