What tipped you over the edge if it was never quite bad enough to leave?

[SpeccyDoodler]

DH is a ‘nice guy’ but has had some stinkers over the years. Each time, I think about leaving but it all settles down and we bumble on again. Barely any intimacy for years. Both early 40s, one DS12 plus several years of failed fertility processes.

Nothing recently has been particularly bad but one wee thing has tipped me into absolute rage that I’m struggling to hold in.

I think I’m done. If you eventually left after 10 years of it being not quite bad enough, what tipped it for you? How did you start the conversation? I’m fit to burst.

When was the last time you both spent any quality time together away from DS and the hustle and bustle of every day life?

When did you last do anything nice for each other?

I’m a bit divided on this article, it sounds to me like the wife did over react and divorced a decent man, one capable of a great deal of introspection. I think I would have shrugged off the dishes and stuck around

Oh I understand you OP. The 'is this really that bad? Is this actual emotional abuse? I can handle it so surely it isn't so bad, and there are so many others out there worse off' - all the above and more. The death by 1000 paper cuts is spot on. Emotional abuse doesn't have to be big things. Long term thoughtlessness (at best! At worst is downright hostile) behaviour can kill your spirit. You sound like you're in the same boat as I am.

I kept trying to make things better with mine, because we have children. We rowed constantly, he was mean, moody, random hostility, lacking in empathy, pride, never laughed at my jokes and never engaged with my conversations. Once started leaving a voice note for his mum as I was half way through a sentence. Would call me boring if I called him out on why he didn't listen to me. Would pick a fight and then ask innocently why I was so angry. So much more that I couldn't put a finger on but sounded silly if I complained about them. I would bend over backwards to work out 'techniques' that could help us avoid the triggers... code words or signs to back off, but nothing worked. And after each row he would put in so much effort that I thought 'maybe this time' it'll be better.

In the beginning I could heal after each row, have hope, but soon the healing became impossible. I think the beginning of the end was when we hugged and instead of feeling connected and glad, I realised I was just staring into space, thinking "I wonder how long until the next row". I had disconnected.

The 'straw' for me though was he did nothing for my birthday. Didn't even tell the kids it was 'mummy's birthday'. Just had his cereal, left it in the sink for me to wash up, and left the house. And then shortly after I tried to talk to him about a friend coming to visit, someone who had been supportive during my pregnancy with our first child. He was so uninterested and I realised I was so lonely. Had been low level depressed for so long that this was my normal. I saw a video that night on Facebook about emotional connection and how women often find this lacking in their relationships, and all the comments in this video were of women saying "yeah, I've given up trying to connect, I just chat with my friends instead' and I thought "fuck that, I'm not going to spend until death do us part talking to myself in a vacuum of gloom" and so I have requested a separation (yet to be implemented but that's another story.)

I feel so much happier that I've made a decision and will be showing the children that you don't have to put up with something just because. I read something along the lines of "I'd prefer to adapt to living a more difficult life without this negativity, to adapting my boundaries to learn to live with it." That resonates with me.

To be honest though he really doesn't get it. Veers from "you're leaving me because you want to pursue other interests" to "I don't know why you're leaving" to "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you" and "it's not too bad at the moment, we're not arguing, why can't we just give it another go". He just doesn't get it and I'm so tired of the energy being sucked out of me to keep explaining it to him. Not sure what the future will hold - he's not a bad man in many ways, just not a good one to me and clearly doesn't love me in the way I would want to be loved.

Last year I married someone who’s quite different than my ex-husband.

The very thought of him calmes and relaxes me. I never had that with my ex, but in hindsight this was one of the things I missed in my previous relationship (besides other things, of course).

I guess you don’t have this with your partner?

It’s enough when you can’t handle it anymore. There will always be people who’ll think you’re leaving for no reason. People always do, no matter how awful the relationship is.

Hi OP

A few days on from the original post, just checking in to see how things are?

Have you made any progress or decisions?

Found out after 16 years, that ExH had been cheating and trying to cheat with others. Was totally devastated. We had 2 young children, so I didn't leave, but obviously nothing was ever the same. He continued to be sleazy around other women, in front of me. Roll on about 3 years later, one night, I went out with friends and was chatting to a nice foreign man in a bar. No flirting on my part, but he suddenly planted a kiss on me! This was the only other man in 19 years to have kissed me. It was like a light bulb moment where I realised that "other men are available". It was the beginning of the end. Over the year that followed, I filed for divorce, sorted out the financial side, bought another house (with my share of money) and left him. He begged and pleaded for me not to leave, but I was so done! 2 months later, I met my now DH, who is wonderful. This was 16 years ago! Kids are now grown up. Everything worked out for the best. I'm sure some things happen for a reason,

Thank you all, whether it was asking questions, sharing your experience or being unexpectedly hung up (pun intended) on my kitchen blinds. I’ve never posted such a personal thread before and didn’t expect so many replies, so it’s a wee bit overwhelming.

There’s lots of time where everything is absolutely fine, there’s very rarely any drama, and certainly no physical or verbal abuse. I guess it’s just working out if that’s enough before flipping all our lives upside down.

I’m currently going through this. I think some of my examples are slightly worse than the OP, but when I see some of the really bad stories, I feel really ungrateful as I have a reasonably good life. I wonder if I am overreacting, maybe things has not happened the way I think it did, maybe I should just cope with it. But the truth is, 1000 paper cuts causes feelings of resentment and disrespect, and once you reach that level you cannot undo it. So many times we are looking for reasons to justify our decision to leave, but the truth is that we do not need a reason or anyone to believe our reason to leave. If you are not happy and just coasting and you can afford to leave, you should. As it is not fair on the other party. No matter who is right or wrong. Easier said than done, but I am trying to muster up the courage to do just this.

I'm going through this too. I'm just feeling increasingly numb and burned out.

We have a long distance relationship I didn't initially sign up for (long story but he actually relocated for work with relatively little consultation), which is exhausting.

He doesn't drive. Another complication. There are other fairly significant things he's chosen that affect me, which mean I am always working round things or compromising on what I'd choose myself, to make sure his needs are met.

He is super bright but can lack critical thinking on bizarre things. He'll often have a strong view on something which I just can't agree with.

He can be tight with money on a day to day level (interspersed with random acts of generosity) and saves so much into his pension each month that he often runs out of accessible income by pay day. He's not a low earner so this drives me mad.

Explaining our situation to anyone new is a challenge.

I think I'm probably done but we have an upcoming event I'd like to see through first.

@Queserasera1 you are absolutely right- similar here- sometimes it's just that you simply no longer feel the same about them because multiple things they have said or done big or small over the years have changed how you see them and whilst you may care it's not the kind of love/relationship you particularly want or enjoy anymore- it's more a habit- it's especially upsetting when it's very long term and at one point you had a great relationship -

@SpeccyDoodler thank you so much for this thread! I have read it all and it's ended up inspiring my own very lengthy and most likely boring post.

To answer your question

The last straw was me catching DH vaping in the downstairs toilet and then him trying to deny it!

He then thought it was pathetic that I was leaving him over vaping!!!

He didnt realise it was the lie/deceit/lack of respect for me. Vaping and smoking and drinking are all things we have argued about so much in the past. I genuinly thought the last time things blew up we had come to a mutual agreement that I would no longer have an issue with him vaping as long as it was not in our house and that he would no longer try and hide things/lie to me because he was worried about my reaction.

This incident along with many other little things over the last years made me end our marriage. I can genuinly say that I feel like a completely new person since January and I can completely resonate with your feelings of "is this really enough to say its over"

Well, it turns out that was indeed enough. DH unexpectedly initiated the conversation himself and after much soul searching, and many sleepless nights for us both we’re going to part ways.

Tips on maintaining sanity for the next two months until DH moves into his new place would be much appreciated…

Solidarity, @SpeccyDoodler . You are brave. I will just say this: you only have one life. I am in a very similar place to you right now, please feel free to PM if you’d like to. 💐

Great news.
Getting rid of this lazy selfish loser will be life enhancing.
We are here for you.

This will be me soon.
Mine refers to me in the third party talking to adult DC.
Was going golfing on the last couple of days my beloved df was dying and had to be asked to accompany me.
Has raging temper tantrums over trivia.
His inability to talk on any subject.
Last week he took me to a scan to rule out ovarian cancer as I had symptoms and DM had stage 4 yrs ago.
He was more excited about the free parking than my benign cyst.
He has poor hygiene habits which he won't address.

That's really positive news @SpeccyDoodler. You will soon be able to move on with your life. Hopefully you can divorce amicably as a mutual parting of the ways and get your life back and be able to look to a happier future. To all of you who are in the same situation we are here for you and will support you.

He sounds like a petulant smelly man-child whom you are well rid of. Sorry to hear that you've lost your dad and that you've had a cancer scare and good news that your cyst is benign. Can they offer you treatment for it? Here if you need support as you go through the process of ending this marriage

Look after your body is the best advice I can give. It’s easy to get self neglectful during these times but keep hydrated, ear regularly, exercise, talk, etc. Do what makes you feel settled.

Goid luck. Better times are ahead.

I am glad you're moving on. I'm sorry to be doom and gloom, but if he's raised it, there's a chance there's another woman in the picture. I'm sorry. But statistically, in these sorts of situations, the man does not leave (or suggest leaving) unless he's got somewhere to go or someone to go to.

I mention this as this could mean that his behaviour will be weird. Protect yourself, particularly financially.

Teamistress lost df a few yrs ago.
Hopefully I can get a hysterectomy or ovaries removed as DM and df had cancer.Cyst is being regularly scanned meanwhile.
Yes he is a man child who refuses to seek treatment for his weight,health or depression.

I put dinner down on the table and he huffed. There was a LOT of water under the bridge by that point with his lack of contribution, lack of care for me, anger, being a fun-sponge etc.. but it was that huff. How dare he be anything but delighted that someone has gone to the effort to make him food!

6yrs on and he is still an utter misery but at least I only have to deal with him with respect to our kid. I have a new wonderful partner who loves every single meal I make and always says so.

The introspection came too late

@SpeccyDoodler how do you feel now it's actually happening?

Sending you hugs 🤗

Thank you, I went for a bowl of cereal after I read this. My nervous system is shot and so I’ve not been hungry (unheard of for me!) Tbf I have a stubborn stone to lose, although it’s a slightly extreme form of weightloss!

Massive relief that the decision is made. DH having the house offer accepted was also a relief that he’s been proactive (I do everything with our finances, so this wasn’t a given).

Thats balanced with a feeling of absolute dread about telling DS. We’ve agreed to wait until DH house paperwork is all signed off and he has an entry date so that we have answers to some of his questions. That should only be another week or so but it feels like a lifetime.