What tipped you over the edge if it was never quite bad enough to leave?

[SpeccyDoodler]

DH is a ‘nice guy’ but has had some stinkers over the years. Each time, I think about leaving but it all settles down and we bumble on again. Barely any intimacy for years. Both early 40s, one DS12 plus several years of failed fertility processes.

Nothing recently has been particularly bad but one wee thing has tipped me into absolute rage that I’m struggling to hold in.

I think I’m done. If you eventually left after 10 years of it being not quite bad enough, what tipped it for you? How did you start the conversation? I’m fit to burst.

Please tell me you're not still together??????

^I'm sorry but I disagree.
He isn't bothered about it but she has specifically asked him to do it for a reason- because it's physically difficult for her. Anyone who actually liked and cared about their partner would do this small act of kindness. He can do it for the cat but not for her. That is a calculated snub. A calculated way of saying she isn't important enough to bother being decent to. It's actually downright nasty.
And if it's one of many small such dismissive things it all adds up to diminish her.^

I agree with this.

I'm sorry for all of you going through being disrespected and not loved how you should be.

It all comes down to the basic character. Good people do not treat their nearest and dearest in this way.

I'm very happy not to be living with any of my previous relationships that did not have my best - and son's - interest at heart. It's a basic bottom line for being in a relationship.

Life is great as a single.

Life is great as a single.

I kind of agree with this, although it is often overstated, possibly to make out that a single life is AWESOME.
I think the truth is more subtle, but it is often much better to be joyously independent than saddled with a dying relationship that has long since lost it's meaning. Even more so if the husband is a pointless, abusive brute.

I am at the point of no return too, although we didn't have children and never wanted to own a home. So this leaves me with some stiff choices to move forward, as although I have a good income and WFH, I will be a ton worse off financially. I have good savings which will quickly drop down. I also can't go back to the past and make different choices so I have to baldly face where I am in the present.

But what can one do? I am so desperately unhappy, it has begun to make me unwell, physically. I have lost my confidence, yet inside I am so full of ideas, energy, dreams and inspiration, which in this situation are just hitting a wall daily. It is like a slow death

What struck me reading this thread is how many of us stay due to finances. I wonder how far we have moved with feminism. I also think the cynicism and insanity of the UK housing market is why so many people are trapped. Most people will suffer financially in 'some' way by leaving their partner or DH.
Obviously many women are higher earners, but I still think our society is set up to take away choices from women, especially once they have had children.

I hope everyone here comes to a good and healthy solution. I wish the OP and all of you the very best!

Well done. Cereal is a good choice as it’s fortified with vitamins, has long acting carbs and you’ll get nutrients, protein and liquid from the milk too.

You are going to be on this hellish emotional rollercoaster for a while. You can’t avoid it. Your emotions and physiology are going to be all over the place. The rollercoaster will be more turbulent if your body is also being neglected.

Every little bit of self care you can do will help smooth it out a little. Soothe your five senses often and try and say reassuring things to yourself like ‘I am ok’.

☕️🍜❤️💐

You will get through this and come out wiser and stronger. 💪 🦉

Namechanged. Things have been difficult for me and DH for a while, but I think I may have had a moment last weekend that tipped me over the edge….

Things have been a little tight with money over the past few years - particularly because DH resigned from one job (not the first time), struggled to find another and eventually took a lower paid position. All that said, we live mortgage free in a house paid for from the (sadly early) death of my parents, so it’s hardly like we are destitute.

Last weekend we were in a supermarket. I wanted a particular tub of hummus. He snatched it out of my hand, loudly berated me that it was too expensive and put it back on the shelf.

I let it go in the moment (public place and all that) but later him later that it was a dick move and very controlling. To his credit, he obviously felt bad and bought it next time he went to the shop - but I can’t seem to get past it in my mind. The fact that it was his snap reaction to behave that way, (despite all the ease my inheritance has given us, and after all his crap work decisions that we’ve had to endure that have impacted our household income for the worse) slightly feels like the straw that could break the camel’s back!

Greengreenlola it sounds like he rectified the situation when he had a word with himself.
Worry about spending can become a habit.Weve been on a tight budget for decades and I often forget I can buy food I want now.

Always remember that you don’t have to stay if you are no longer happy. Whether it’s large scale abuse, low level or they just annoy the fuck out of you. It’s your decision always.

i questioned myself at the time of my split.

1. if I met this man now, would he be the one I would choose to spend my life with knowing what I know about him now.
2. Did I think it was possible he could become that man I fell in love with again.

The answer to both questions was a resounding no.

I left a week later.

Women are conditioned to “TRY” to make things work (Even when the man often makes NO effort so all. We put up with things. Our self esteem takes a battering. This is no way to live. Being on your own is a challenge but I can most definately say, it is 100% better than the life I was living before.

Do what is right for YOU. Not them!!

@Greengreenlola I hear you. Nobody leaves someone because they don’t open the blinds how they like it, or get ratty once over a pot of hummus.

The straw that breaks the camel’s back can be different for all of us. Mine was that I’d bought a meal planner for the fridge to have a fresh start on who was cooking / cleaning up etc. DH filled it in for the previous week in a passive aggressive show of how he had done much more.

However, I’d been away half the week with work, and all of his cooking was freezer beige, while mine was homemade, so involved much more effort and clearing up. He also thought putting the packets in the bin was cleaning up, where I’d done all the wiping down etc.

It wasn’t even about the board, it was realising that he doesn’t appreciate or even see the efforts I make.Hope that makes sense!

Another one for watch your back financially going forward (especially if there is someone waiting in the wings for him). My separation and divorce started fairly amicably. I didn't realize until later that he was manipulating me to get a better deal for himself.

It ended up years later as a full on return trip to court to try to get rid of the settlement he'd agreed. Very nasty and very expensive. There are no friends where it comes to money.

Also his lack of interest in our child continued and he's had no contact with her for the last ten years.

My ex husband was Mr Nice Guy in public, completely selfish and disinterested indoors, including the low level disrespect you have described. I hope it doesn't get nasty for you, just make sure you look after yourself.

He went to see his mother by himself.
They had been with us every holiday, coming to us, us going to them or even going away on holiday together.

For once I said no and he went by himself and I felt huge freedom.
I knew that either we would have to move to where his mother was or she would come and live with us.

She is controlling and his controlling behaviour increased when she was around. As his father had died recently there was now only one focus of that behaviour and that was me.

A year and a half later I still get messages asking for me to go back. Asking if I have got over my problems. Tells me how it always worked when I was there.
He and his mother have purchased a house together - 4 bedrooms - we always rented. I think if I went back they would crush me like a butterfly crushed in their hands.

There doesn't have to be a 'big' thing - it can just be a drip, drip.
And then you might tell a friend more details than you have ever told anyone and she will tell you you are being abused.

Well, DH moves out to his new place next week. It’s been an odd couple of months living together but not ‘together’.

i am surprised that when friends ask how I am, I say ‘ok’ and mean it. I think I’ve cried all my tears over the last ten years and now it’s just a resignation and acceptance.

No doubt it will be hard to adjust to DS (aka my wee shadow) not being here 3 nights a week but still I feel a sense of relief and readiness for the next chapter.

Thanks to all who commented, and sending strength to those who are in similar situations.

My ex was an alcoholic, emotionally abusive and tried to control me.

I was building up to leave. He got into bed one night after staying up drinking and knocked our dog off. That was me done. I asked him to leave there and then, he left the next day

You'll be absolutely fine OP, I'm 3 years down the line, still on my own and the happiest I've ever been. Go chase your dreams 🦋

This is so well put.

It doesn’t matter whether anyone else would see this as ‘bad enough’ to leave, it’s your boundaries and standards that matter. Feeling loved and cared about should be the absolute bare minimum in a relationship. How he’s behaving isn’t good enough for YOU and that’s what matters.

I know how scary it can feel starting over and you hear endless horror stories of dating and how awful it is (it can feel like that sometimes) but there really are some great people out there who would love you and make you feel cherished and honestly being single is better than being in a bad relationship.

Even though I'm dropping my DC off I always feel a sense of relief driving away from XH place, then arriving home knowing he wont be there, not having to worry I'll hear him open the door. I felt fine for the first few months after he moved out then it hit me all at once. Sometimes I feel relief and peace, occasional anger, sadness hits when my kids are at XH house, not missing them so much, though I do, but it's that I've got mental space to cry when they're not here. You might not find that happens of course, but for me it took a while to hit.

I finally managed to tell XH I was done and make it stick not because of any of his abuse towards me, but because he had zero reaction to being told our 10 year old DD was suffering suicidal ideation, wanted to die and was self harming. I thought, 'what's the use of him if he won't be there even for this'. DDs mental health is doing a lot better since her dad moved out. He is still causing harm and distressing DD because of all the nasty things he says about me and his anger issues, but at least she has days now where she's free of that.

Eta: I was very unsure at first, but as time goes on I feel more sure of my decision. Memories come back and they feel different now Im free of the fog and gaslighting, hard to believe what I stayed through, how I didnt believe it was abuse, how much I doubted myself. It feels surreal thinking about what I actually put up with. There's this divide where I was in the FOG and then I wasn't and I could actually see.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through and full of admiration for you getting away from it.

@Janpoppy that blog was one of the things that resonated, and has stuck with me, over the years. I know many of us relate to it and I thought of it often when we were in a bad patch.

Mine was walking in to
Our house with three small kids , soaked to the skin having collected them after a days work and he was sat in the dark in the cold house on his phone and got pissed off with me why I asked why the dinner wasn't on and why weren't lights and heating on. That's was it for me.
Years of selfish and thoughtless behaviour. Never been happier.

Please clarify 'knocked your dog off'.....

Off the bed I’d think

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness I’m so sorry for you and your DD. Hope she’ll find the way to cope and her MH will improve.
Your last paragraph sums it all up- all the abuse and not seeing it for what it was. I don’t know why I put up with it for so long until I literally crashed physically and mentally.

All the best to you and everybody else on this thread. We’ll be fine ((()))

I know this thread was from last year but as I read your particular post I thought I could have written it myself. How are things now? Have you 'implemented' your separation yet? I hope things have improved for you x

@Daffydaffi totally get you - I think a great many long term marriages are like this in all honesty

and the introspection only happened because of the nuclear option (eventually) taken.

why should anyone wait indefinitely for introspection that may or may not occur naturally?

The death by a thousand cuts. The long sulking silences, the poor hygiene and bad breath, the selfishness, the endless hobbies. One day I just blew a gasket and that was that.