What tipped you over the edge if it was never quite bad enough to leave?

[SpeccyDoodler]

DH is a ‘nice guy’ but has had some stinkers over the years. Each time, I think about leaving but it all settles down and we bumble on again. Barely any intimacy for years. Both early 40s, one DS12 plus several years of failed fertility processes.

Nothing recently has been particularly bad but one wee thing has tipped me into absolute rage that I’m struggling to hold in.

I think I’m done. If you eventually left after 10 years of it being not quite bad enough, what tipped it for you? How did you start the conversation? I’m fit to burst.

I’m going to go against the grain here again and say it sounds like you have unresolved issues that have caused a lot of won’t up resentment.

Have you tried counselling at all? As Pixiedust1234 says above it could be a communication issue that you could both overcome.

Again, based on my own lived experiences, don’t throw in the towel just yet. From the words you use I don’t think all hope is lost just yet. I was 52 and DH 54 when we managed to turn things around.

What he’s done isn’t ok and he needs to understand that. But for me there’s still hope.

Honestly? Someone else.

15 years of a shit marriage. Lies, abuse, cheating, etc. I never left because we were "childhood sweethearts" and everyone told me not to marry him. Figured I'd made my bed.

Met DW online. Just friends for 5 years, then got talking when we realised we had trauma in common. Realised I had feelings for her and decided to ignore them. Then she told me she had feelings for me.
We (exH and I) were watching a film that night and when it ended, I just said "I've fallen for someone else...it's over." He said "Oh. Okay."

Been with DW for almost 6 years and I'm so happy, but I do regret not walking away from him sooner.

Your thread reminds me of https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

If you resent him routinely, then it's over. It doesn't actually matter what caused the resentment.

Mine was being called into the kids’ primary school to have a safeguarding meeting about his behaviour/conflicts with the kids (and me if I am honest). Defo like you, had a build-up of tension for years but that was the final straw. We are all happier now.

Yes he can control his emotions. He'd get get the sack if he treated his colleagues the way you've described him treating you.

I had been pushing ex to commit to buying a house for years. If you heard him talk, he would always talk about "one day" we'd buy, get engaged, married and have kids. Problem is, every house I found (over years) had an insurmountable problem. Despite living in a rental with big issues the LL wouldn't fix.

Then, over the course of a few weeks, I suddenly realised that even if I "won" the buying a house negotiation, I'd have to do that for marriage and kids and I didn't have the energy anymore. My self esteem was already on the floor from constantly having to prove myself as "worthy" of being in a committed relationship with. I also wanted to be with someone who wanted to do all the life stuff with me, as a willing partner

I also realised that, if we unexpectedly got pregnant, I wouldn't consider that good news. Despite wanting kids in my future. His procrastination had drained the security and interest out of the relationship.

Of course, he proposed (half heartedly) in the weeks after I told him I wanted to leave. Luckily, it wasn't an appealing offer by that point!

I think a lot of women drift along, never quite realising how absolutely awful retirement will be with an unpleasant man. It is a long hard road.

I know of quite a few women in their 60's and 70's who play tennis, golf, walks, lunches, holiday with sisters and friends to survive these years.
Their husbands aren't abusive, but they are a bit cranky, needy, set in their ways and plain dull. Their wives have to manage how much time they spend together carefully.

Being brave is tough but if you feel very done, then better sooner than later.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, OP, and I do sympathise about the fertility issues - that's a hard one.

For me, there were lots of things that might have been big enough to leave - there was physical violence; there was a lot of pretty abusive behaviour; there was dishonesty around money; there was dishonesty around plans for children (we're both women; she insisted she should TTC first and then she'd support me, but after DD was born she was unsupportive of me TTC).

But the actual thing was quite small. She'd been telling me for so long that she was struggling because we had money worries (her debts) or health worries, or because she couldn't do the things she enjoyed for those reasons. Then, things improved suddenly - we were doing better financially; she'd gone on HRT and said she was feeling much better. She booked a series of outdoorsy holidays doing the stuff she'd always said she missed. And on one of those, we were discussing the future, and she explained that, of course, if I were to get pregnant, I shouldn't expect the same support from her that I'd given. She would want to continue going to her various groups and activities, of course. I don't get the impression she thought this was a very significant conversation, but for some reason it just really hit me. I was the main carer with my DD, and we had a patch when she was working very long hours: at that point, she was quite clear that the priority was her work, and I needed to care for the baby (while working myself), so she could work the way she wanted.

It just really hit me that it would never be my turn to be anything but the giver in the relationship, and everything else was excuses.

If it helps, we've now been apart for a few months, and though I was really frightened at the start, it has surprised me to find how financially things are better than I expected, and I have loved parenting DD on my own - I actually think DD has benefitted from it hugely too.

My father had to undergo a high-risk operation, serious enough that my brother returned home from overseas to be with the family. It was scheduled for three hours but ended up taking eight, so was an immensely stressful day as we waited to hear if he'd come through.

I worked in the morning, looked after the kids in the afternoon and handed off to my ex when he got home so I could go to the hospital. When I got home after 10pm, too exhausted and wrung out to eat, my ex had a go at me for forgetting to bring in some groceries he'd left in the car earlier. He pressured me into getting out of bed and putting them away then ranted at me that I was "making a mountain out of a molehill" and bitching at him when I asked why he couldn't have done it, given the day I'd had.

It was like a lightbulb moment; I realised that although I asked for very little from him day-to-day, one this rare occasion when I actually needed him to show me some care, he wasn't going to. Instead he was going to be selfish, controlling and act the victim, probably because he was secretly pissed off he'd had to put both kids to bed for once in his life.

In that moment I recognised who he really was, and knew it was over. It took me a couple more years to leave, as he was financially abusive too, but at that moment I knew I was done.

@YourChirpyMintRobin based on my personal experience if somebody doesn’t want to communicate then they won’t.

Just like my exH who just turned around and walked away after delivering his tirade.
It’s called stonewalling and is actually abuse.

Counselling is not recommended with the abuser.

”You do as I say and I do as I please” was his mantra.

Until I had enough and walked away. He (nearly) broke me.

Very true. My ex used to stonewall too, and when I once pointed out what he was doing, he told me he "wasn't interested in some mumbo-jumbo you read on the internet".

Then he walked away, lol... at least he was predictable.

Thank you everyone, I’ve read and appreciate every comment. I expected more of the ‘it doesn’t sound that bad’ comments because so many women have it so much worse.

i read the blog about the dishes years ago (thank you for the reshare) and that’s been in my head a lot recently.

I’ve suggested counselling before but DH thinks we just need to make more effort (by we, he means me because it’s me who doesn’t initiate sex, and I’m so ground down and haven’t responded well to his doing so previously. That was 2 years ago and here we are, still bumbling along.

The retirement comments hit home too. I’d love to go travelling, he wants to work at watering plants in the garden centre.

Would you mind saying what his behaviour and conflicts were like please? I’m in a similar situation. No safeguarding call in but not sure if it would count as safeguarding.

Do you do the bulk of the day to day drudgery? Hold the mental load? That’s what killed our sex life. I just stopped seeing him as an equal. He does more now but it’s been a LONG hard slog to get him to see that he should.

I just realised he was to mediocre, sounds harsh but after a particularly shit caravan holiday, I know I needed more. I just remember driving home looking at the rain on the window and thinking I’ m done. I think I withdrew for a couple of months as I know what I needed to do but putting off, then after work one night (night shift) I came home and the house was a bit of a mess and he woke up moaning so there and then just said it, I’m done, we need to divorce and then went to bed and slept like a baby, it was like the biggest weight lift off my shoulders. It was a tough year afterwards sorting everything out but honestly can look back now and know it was the best decision. I am happily married again and DD is happy too, she doesn’t see her dad anymore but she’s 20 and that’s her choice (she also sees him for what he is) everything worked out ok. Like you it was horrible or abusive but just shite, and god life is way to short to be unhappy all the time. Go and start living a life you want.

Mine was simply the realisation that I didn't want the children to see this is as the role model for a happy relationship. My ex would rage, be emotionally abusive, drink, and I was constantly on eggshells. But the bottom line is I wanted more for them and I wanted them to feel that they deserved it.

Sorry to hear this was your experience. Ours was very different.

For us DH is late diagnosed ND which went a long way to explaining his communication issues. It was a long, slow, journey for him to get his diagnosis on the NHS here in England but it was worth it.

A lot of the counselling we did was around this and I honestly think without this I have walked.

ND is one of those thing I thought I had a very good understanding of but in reality I didn’t.

The example OP gave about a late change of
plans around a hospital appointment would have seen DH struggle with this. That is one of those ND things I thought I understood but as an NT was far from it. It seems very trivial to an NT but to an ND it’s really very different.

anyway I don’t want to take over this thread with my story. That’s one for me to tell in a different post.

We had a massive chat during Covid because he was unhappy at our lack of intimacy. What he actually meant was lack of sex.

At the time I was doing all the homeschooling, taking DS on all my 1-hour ‘outdoor allowances’, and working from the kitchen table while he used the spare room as his office. Plus the vast majority of house work and all the mental load.

We cleared the air, things got better and part of that was moving to a bigger house so I had some workspace. Now, although he does more around the house, I can see we just papered over the cracks and have a bigger mortgage that I couldn’t afford by myself.

Nothing tipped me over the edge, I was just unhappily married and realised I deserved not to be so I left. It was fine, he was a good man, I just didn't want to stay with him so I didn't. And over 30 years later, it was the right decision, I'm much happier and with someone who makes me happy.

What was your last hiccup? Mine is currently him stating that he takes care of dinner more than me. (Which obviously isn’t true.)

This. Losing respect is a killer.

It really started after I gave birth to our DD.

• He let his friend sleep on our sofa and refused to make him leave despite us having a new baby, his argument was he had known said friend longer than me & if I have a problem I can leave.
• proceeded to smoke crack with said friend without my knowledge
• taunted and kept me awake all night, would eventually fall asleep when I had to get up with DD.
• broke any item that he knew was special.
• ruined every single Christmas without fail.
• called me a cunt every single day.

The list doesn't end. I'm still in the process of healing from the abuse. DD is now 6, we moved away and started a new life. I still can't have a relationship with anyone & am on all sorts of medication, on and off counselling. So yeah, death by a thousand crack pipes.

I'm sorry OP, but both of these were horrendous enough to not want him or the marriage.

I think you've grown so accustomed to the emotional abuse, you are minimising what you've experienced.

I'm wishing you strength until you find a way to break free from this person who has so little regard for you 💐.

It’s the little things. Our kitchen has two patio doors with hanging blinds. I like them open to see the garden but they’re awkward for me to open, so I’ve asked that when he’s up first, could he do it?

DH isn’t fussed for them being open so instead he opens one of them half-way because the cat likes to sit there and look out. When I say it feels like he cares more about the cat than me he just sighs or rolls his eyes. And another bit of my soul gets chipped away.

I'm so sorry. This is horrific. You and baby deserve better. Has he lost many jobs because he can't control his temper or is he just choosing to abuse you?