What tipped you over the edge if it was never quite bad enough to leave?

[SpeccyDoodler]

DH is a ‘nice guy’ but has had some stinkers over the years. Each time, I think about leaving but it all settles down and we bumble on again. Barely any intimacy for years. Both early 40s, one DS12 plus several years of failed fertility processes.

Nothing recently has been particularly bad but one wee thing has tipped me into absolute rage that I’m struggling to hold in.

I think I’m done. If you eventually left after 10 years of it being not quite bad enough, what tipped it for you? How did you start the conversation? I’m fit to burst.

We'd moved house and he'd hardly helped, either with the packing or the unpacking on the other end (I hired and paid for removals). Went to the village pub our first weekend in and picked a fight with the wrong people - got his arse handed to him. Didn't come home for days, continually drinking and texting me vague threats to end his life (this was a regular occurrence). When I rang one of his family members to ask for their help in finding him, they blamed me for his behaviour.

After years of abuse, emotional, financial, physical, his relative telling me I was the problem was the minute I knew it was over.

Not an ex but my mother-she's a self centred narc

As soon as I was old enough,I was packed off to live with my grandad (with the line 'too look after him')

As soon as I was old enough to outgrow the child benefit,I was booted out and left homeless

I had my first baby-i was a skint single parent,I didn't have two pennies to rub together,but she made sure she got her cut of my benefits (and leave me just enough for nappies and a bit of food-nothing else)

I'm not joking when I say she's taken tens of thousands of pounds away from me-all wrapped up as 'you owe me £xxx' (my ex left me with 8k of debts-she paid it all off and I had to pay her back,I think a clever mumsnetter worked out I paid back over £120k back over the years)

She'd help herself to my milk tokens and keep them for herself

If she saw something she liked in my house,she'd just take it and if she didn't like something in my house,she'd take it and bin it at home

She parented against me for years-it was like she was the parent and I was just the slave to do the boring bits

She played family and friends off against me

She would cause so much trouble by shit-stirring

She'd phone ss if I didn't do as I was told-19 times in 15 years

Loads more but that's the gist-I tried more than once to walk away but it's like she had an iron grip and unless you've lived it,you can't understand it

One day,she snatched my phone bill out of my hand (id just opened the letter) and stormed out,screaming that I was 'fucking useless','more trouble than I was worth' and 'I knew I'd end up paying it'

She paid it over the phone,before I had a chance to get it back to pay it and told my dd I could pay her back-and she wanted the money by the next day (or else)-knowing I had a week to pay it and didn't get paid for a few days (I was at the skint end of the month)

I just knew I'd end up paying £100 on a £30 phone bill-my word against hers on how much it was (this was in the days before I had access to the internet-i was slow to join online anything)

I just sighed,no more,I felt like I'd ran out of fucks to give and I've not spoken a word to her since

I still feel bad I owe her £30 but as she's had more than her pound of flesh out of me,she can fuck right off

@DoubleCoatedDogs similar experience here... no support from my in laws. When I sat down to talk to my MIL about what I was doing to help myself get better and to apologise for the hurt I'd caused whilst I was ill and the worry that she had had over my ex and how my depression had impacted on him... I had a 90min lecture about what an awful person I was and how she'd never liked or trusted me.

30 year marriage to someone incredibly selfish and thoughtless serving me with divorce papers to teach me a lesson for absolutely refusing to stsrt going to swinging clubs with him. He came home a couple weeks later and said I hope you have learned a lesson from this, ill come home and we dont have to continue with this divorce.
I threw him out and continued with the divorce.

@Sharontheodopolodous what a thoroughly horrible person -

Didn’t anticipate the interest in my blinds (briefly considered a diagram)!

For the avoidance of doubt, if the blinds were the only issue in a 15 year relationship then I wouldn’t be posting.

See also:

• Only taking his own washing upstairs.
• Refusing to help put up/down external Christmas light (string of lights on the big tree in the front garden and a few starts by the path, definitely not Blackpool illuminations).
• Always stating opposite opinions to mine as he likes to play Devil’s Advocate.

I know none of this is awful, and I can work around / ignore / humour them for an easier life and no conflict - it’s what I always do. I was curious to find out if it’s normal precisely because that’s what I’ve been doing for 20 years and I am exhausted.

@SpeccyDoodler I can work around / ignore / humour them for an easier life and no conflict - it’s what I always do.

I am slowly dying by a thousand paper cuts too, and this is why. I drive myself nearly mad - anxiety, depression, stress, disordered eating, alcohol - all in the name of avoiding any conflict in my family. I think I could cope with the working around and anticipating what I'd need to work around when it was just the two of us, but add in several children, including one who creates conflict with every second breath, and I can't do it any more. 10 years+ of post-children mental gymnastics nearly finished me off,

Since I have let myself see that this isn't normal and that however hard it is I DO have options, all those mental health symptoms have eased so much. It's like I've let go of a rope I've been trying to pull in to save my marriage (and now family) from drowning, and now I have let go to see if it will sink or swim on its own.i suspect it looks highly uncaring to my husband and family, but I haven't stopped caring, just stopped trying to smooth everything.

Time will tell.

I mentally checked out years ago
We have autistic children,who only managed a year or so at school ,so I've spent most of their lives either home schooling them or fighting the lea for their education.
Meaning I've not worked in donkeys years
He said there was no money for a private pension for me .
So ....
Plus two of the kids will never leave home ,and he's refusing to agree to assisted living
Because he knows dam well ,when the noose off from around my neck I will be long gone...even if it's not till I'm 70,one day I'm leaving the fucker

When after 9 years of abuse nearly killed me.

I worked days but all my money went on the bills and mortgage and he made sure I didn't have £1 left to my name and if I did he new about it and would question where this £1 was while.

While I worked normal daytimes my ex worked until 3am in a food place. He would bring back food for himself and give me a slice or pizza or a 1/4 of his burger or some chips while he stuffed his face. My weight dropped to 5stone 4 and I collapsed getting off a bus and was rushed to hospital. I had no periods and zero energy yet still managed to keep a tidy home for him and work.

The hospital sent me as an inpatient to an eating disorder clinic I was there for months. He would turn up and ask when I was leaving and when I was given the date I told him a later date. I got my sister to pick me up on my actual leaving date.

I changed my number, never went back to the job I had, I never went back for my stuff. He didn't know where my sister lived as she lived with her husband and he was never interested in my family.

He reported me missing to the police the police found me and I told them what had happened and the officers actually congratulated me.

He posted on Facebook looking for me for years playing the heartbroken victim. He pestered every friend of mine who never caved and told him, he contacted everyone I had gone to university with, school with or worked with and no one told him a thing.

None of my friends every posted about me on social media and made sure they never out a picture up of me on social media.

He still posts every year on my birthday wishing me a happy birthday to wherever I am and how he hopes to see me again one day. It's been 4 years since my escape

I have massive resentment in our relationship and I can’t get past it.
20/30 years of a bottle of wine every night, not sorting out his penis problems meaning that we stopped having sex, the constant white lies, it really does get you down.
I don’t love him, we live as house mates, but ending it would financially cripple me and I’d be alone.

Hello OP, you know you don’t need our permission, or anyone’s permission, to leave.

You are clearly so unhappy and he clearly isn’t the partner you need or want. It sounds miserable for you both. If you want to leave then you can do that. There doesn’t need to be physical abuse or a catalyst big moment, a 1000 paper is just as valid. You have another 40 years of this ahead if you don’t leave.

Look after your own happiness and leave him if you want to.

Your story left speechless. I’m glad you got away. Hurray to you, your family and friends.

I'm still of the opinion that you should give counselling a go.

The historical 'bigger' issues that have caused you to build up resentment are now festering themselves in these smaller ones.

There's a lot of focus on the negative here which tends to bring out negative experiences from other members which in turn creates a pack mentality. Just have a look through other posts similar to yours and you'll see the pattern for yourself. I sometimes feel a bit like a lone voice when mentioning this but AnonyLonnymouse seems to be on the same track.

A question for you to try and look at this in a different way.. Does he do positive things as well?

In one of your earlier posts you mention he thinks he prepares the majority of evening meals, even if he doesn't but thinks this way he must be doing a decent share of the work around the house. What about breakfast and lunch as well as evening meals?

Taking the washing upstairs. Who does the tasks before this such as the washing itself, drying or sorting out who's is who's? Do you take his washing upstairs?

Does he make you a cup of coffee? Do you make him a cup of coffee?

You also mention you couldn't afford to take on your current mortgage by yourself? I'm assuming he is the bigger earner? Has he pursued his career to be able to provide a better life for you and your DS? Have you asked him?

Perhaps the care he has for you is shown in other ways than you think they should. We don't all think in the same way.

Are there other things going on in his life that he is struggling with that might be amplifying his behaviour? Stress/anxiety caused by work or something else? Health problems? Have you asked?

On the surface he sounds like a good man, especially when looking at the other comments on here about drugs, violence etc..

I'm by no means justifying his behaviour but these are the questions you need to ask yourself.

I, for one, haven't lost hope for you yet. Pent up resentment and communication issues are the crux of the matter here. You both need to seek professional help from someone who knows what they're talking about and try to work through these things.

I’d avoid the comparison game - yes there are some really challenging examples of ‘last straw’ here (and I send love and admiration to all or you who have lived through it and escaped) and some voices questioning whether you’ve done enough or need to push a bit harder.

But ultimately you’re the only one living your one precious life. Only you really know if you’ve reached the final straw or not. Maybe imagine life in two ways - staying and going. Don’t focus on the practicalities, that will kill anyone’s energy. Focus on what life might look like once your DD has left home. How will you rub along together alone? What would you see yourself doing if you’re not together? What’s more appealing?

A relationship really doesn’t need to be abusive for you to want to leave. You don’t actually need an excuse- it can just be because it’s not right for you anymore.

Well mine was abusive enough to leave probably 5 years before I finally ended things. It wasn't him being abusive or angry or aggressive once again. It was sheer indifference and not to me. Our DD was suffering suicidal ideation and wanting to die and when I tried to talk to him about it he walked out of the room and shut the door in my face and I just thought what was the point of him. It was very calm, unlike the times he'd been abusive and I tried to leave, I didn't try to talk about any of what had gone on, it didn't matter any more because I was no longer trying to fix things. I was shaking, but I just said, "I'm done and I'm applying for a divorce. I can't afford to move out, up to you if you want to or we can stay under one roof till it's all sorted." I don't remember what he said back, we had some tense conversations over the next few weeks. The big difference between the failed times and the last succeful one was that I wasn't emotional and I was completely done. That I just kept if short and didn't bring up anything from the past, nothing to argue over, nothing he could blame me for, just I'm done.

The way I see it is this.

Being in a relationship with someone should make your life better, easier, more enjoyable, less lonely, than being without them. The pros should outweigh the cons.

What would your life look like if you left him? What sort of financial position would you be in? Where would you live? What sort of co-parenting arrangement would you envisage having for your son? Would you be interested in eventually dating other men? What would you do with yourself when he was with his dad? (Weekends away with a friend? Long bubble bath and a takeaway that only you like? A new hobby?)

If the life you could realistically have without him looks better than the life you have with him, and you don't see any realistic way of improving the life you have with him, what are you staying for?

Death by resentment and a thousand tiny cuts isn't less worthy of leaving over. It's better for everyone sake if you split before the resentment becomes contempt and hatred or before the lack of care hurts you too deeply. A relationship can be harmful to you without there being abuse. Even if you just fell out of love with nothing particular to pin it too that's still a completely valid reason to end a relationship including one where children are involved. If it matters to you then it matters, if you're done your done. It doesn't need to measure up to some standard of bad before it's ok to end things. If you are done that is reason enough.

This article always really resonated with me about resentment and why it arises. If you haven't seen it before might be a helpful read. Because it's not really about the individual seemingly little behaviours it's about the total impact of those behaviours and how it feels to have someone disregarding you like that over and over.
*The wife doesn’t want to divorce her husband because he leaves used drinking glasses by the sink. She wants to divorce him because she feels like he doesn’t respect or appreciate her, which suggests he doesn’t love her, and she can’t count on him to be her lifelong partner. She can’t trust him. She can’t be safe with him."
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

I think th epoint is that your relationship doesn't bring anything positive to your life, except possibly you live in a nicer house becuase you share finances?

DH and I have had moments over the years where things haven't been great - usually because there's outside things happening and resentment builds up etc. But a) when that happens we both work hard to move past it and b) overall, both of us are always making an effort to make the other one's life better/happier/easier and c) at the end of the day, he's the person I can and do rely on, who I want to tell when good things happen and who I want to be at my side when bad things happen.

If you don't have these basic things, then the relationship probably isn't saveable.

My ex was very controlling and financially and emotionally abusive. A friend asked me if I could see myself with him at 50 when the kids had left ( I was 37 at the time) and it horrified me.
It still took me 6 more years to leave but within the year, I had found my soul mate and two years to the day of us meeting, we were married and I could not be happier.
it makes me shudder to think I could still be in that situation.

He opens the blinds so the cat can see out but only enough for the cat. He then stops half way, rather than open them fully for OP. That’s a bit shit.

My DH does that with opinions. Will disagree with pretty much everything I say and then in company share MY opinion as if it’s his.

We were in a jewellery shop and he suggested, completely out of the blue, we purchased rings for each other - we weren't married. I was a bit shocked but they were silver rings, £65 each, I think, so nothing major.

We were on holiday, not far from where his parents lived. They were with us in the shop.

Next day his dad phones to say his mother had been up all night. She had not known of any wedding and could he go over there and talk to her about it. No wedding was planned. He drives over there, pops back to where we were staying, she was in the car, comes to tell me we are taking her out to lunch and not to mention rings or wedding.

Goes to same jewellery shop and buys her a bracelet - most expensive thing in the shop. It was months later that I left, but I knew then his mother would always come first.

They have just purchased a house together - we always rented.

@vimneo your post is why I don't share missing posters done by family members. You never know why someone is missing. I only share the ones the police circulate. Huge congratulations on getting out when you did and what an excellent sister and family & other friends you have looking out for you 💐