My new boyfriend’s mum ‘suddenly’ doesn’t like me

Thisismyusername15 · 2024-07-30T13:54:43+00:00

Need to run through this with someone as it’s upset me a little. Been with new boyfriend for a little while and met his parents about 6 weeks ago more or less. Everything seemed fine at first. His parents seemed to like me. His mum was very friendly and chatty and I’ve seen them about 2 or 3 times since then. Boyfriend is divorced and I heard from him that his ex wife and his mum never really got on but didn’t know exactly why. It’s the same for my boyfriend’s brother wife, she doesn’t get on with the mum either for reasons unknown and will refuse to come to any events or outings if the mum is there. At first I didn’t think too much of it (yes I was being that bloody naive) however today we were invited over to his parents for lunch. We both work from home today so agreed and turned up. His mum was completely off with me to the point she was really rude. She grunted at me multiple times whenever I spoke to her, and at times just plainly ignored me. I went to the loo and overheard his mum say she didn’t like me to his dad! The entire atmosphere was awkward and to be honest I did leave feeling a bit upset. I’ve not done or said anything untoward so I was really racking my brains over this. Boyfriend apparently didn’t notice any tension at all and is unsure as to why his mum suddenly dislikes me. Am I being unreasonable to feel so miffed as to the sudden change? I have a feeling she’s the type of mum where no one is good enough for her sons. I’m not sure how to approach this situation.

Harvestfestivalknickers · 30/07/2024 14:57

I'd withdraw and see her as little as possible. If the brothers wife doesn't get on with her, she may have experienced the same behaviour.

cryinglaughing · 30/07/2024 14:57

I would employ the same tactics as her dil does.
Stay away!!

MounjaroUser · 30/07/2024 15:00

I'd probably have a good long look at the relationship and wonder whether it was worth continuing with, if he didn't realise there was a problem even though his own ex and his SIL hate her!

seensome · 30/07/2024 15:04

It's unlikely your bf is ever going have your back over his mother, do you want a potential lifetime of her nonsense? Walk away or you'll always have to refuse being in her company just like the dil.

Shitlord · 30/07/2024 15:08

Well don't take it personally but I get it.

My partner's mother decided to have a huge go about me in front of me in another language (I understand it but can't think quickly enough to converse at speed) and it was very uncomfortable. He didn't handle it well and it's caused a bit of an issue that's never quite healed entirely. Don't let that happen.

He will be well used to her. I would say 'i overheard your mum saying she didn't like me after being rather short with me all day. That's her prerogative and I won't be mounting a charm offensive but how would you suggest handling this? Not saying everyone loves me on sight but I wasn't really expecting that. Did I do something wrong?' if you inadvertently hit a sore spot with her then you can manage that. If not, keep contact to a minimum. You don't really need to see them often at all.

He's probably quite ashamed of she always does this but he could have said 'sorry you had to hear that, it's nothing personal'. I do think his response matters but what she thinks doesn't.

Original poster

Thisismyusername15 · 30/07/2024 15:09

It’s frustrating because I thought I had met someone bloody lovely and when I met his family I thought I had hit the jackpot as they all seemed really lovely

I feel a bit silly for not really thinking into why his ex wife and SIL are not fans of his mum.

I have approached boyfriend with what I heard and he is trying to make excuses ‘oh she must have been tired or something!!’

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Dancingmonkeyfeet · 30/07/2024 15:09

Oh my god get out whilst you can.

Your boyfriend has had YEARS of conditioning to pretend no one knows why suddenly the mother doesn’t get on with any of the women in her sons life.

He knows damn well who the problem is but he will let you get whipped any way because he is a simp.

Dont have kids with him
Dont get married to him

MounjaroUser · 30/07/2024 15:17

Agree, your boyfriend knows exactly what his mum is like. He's trying to minimise it now. Soon it'll be your fault that you and she don't get on.

Girlmom35 · 30/07/2024 15:19

The main thing you need to realise is that you don't have a MIL problem.
You have a boyfriend problem.

A mature man who is committed to his partner will never let his mother get away with treating the woman he loves like this.
You can expect your boyfriend to be the one to get in the middle of this situation and protect you from any impact that may come your way when his mother misbehaves.
Let's be honest. The only reason this mother can get away with how she behaved to your boyfriends ex and his SIL is because these men aren't sticking up for their partners and are making excuses for her behaviour.

He needs to step up
He needs to take you seriously when you voice a concern about his mother
He needs to address his mother directly whenever she behaves out of line
He needs to set boundaries, meaning he will put you first (seeing you're not the one with the attitude problem) and limiting contact between you and his mother if she misbehaves
He needs to show her that her actions have consequences. If she's rude, she's denied time with her son.

If he's not doing every single one of those things, you need to leave this relationship right now.

Clueless2024 · 30/07/2024 15:23

Throw the mummy's boy back. He knows exactly what his mother is like, he knew she wouldn't like you! But he set you up anyway, to compete. Nah.

Original poster

Thisismyusername15 · 30/07/2024 15:24

It’s comforting to read all this actually as I know I’ve not done or said anything that could have upset her or the family. It’s almost as if she’s flicked a switch and suddenly dislikes me.

I don’t expect everyone to like me but it was a little unsettling to be in that atmosphere and it felt awkward. At one point I even asked if she was OK and she snapped ‘why wouldn’t I be’

Because ex wife and SIL have definitely been victims to this behaviour too I know it’s not me personally and she’d have been the same with any woman in her son’s life but it’s still a little unsettling for me.

Fuck sake I knew it was going too well 😂😂

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Cantfindthewordsddstruggling · 30/07/2024 15:26

Thisismyusername15 · 30/07/2024 15:09

It’s frustrating because I thought I had met someone bloody lovely and when I met his family I thought I had hit the jackpot as they all seemed really lovely

I feel a bit silly for not really thinking into why his ex wife and SIL are not fans of his mum.

I have approached boyfriend with what I heard and he is trying to make excuses ‘oh she must have been tired or something!!’

As someone in a marriage with someone who doesn’t have my back when it comes to his family, I don’t say this lightly when I strongly advise you to walk away. It’s soul destroying. Your last paragraph is key in that he’s completely dismissing your feelings and justifying/minimising his mum’s behaviour. This will not get better.

Original poster

Thisismyusername15 · 30/07/2024 15:29

Cantfindthewordsddstruggling · 30/07/2024 15:26

As someone in a marriage with someone who doesn’t have my back when it comes to his family, I don’t say this lightly when I strongly advise you to walk away. It’s soul destroying. Your last paragraph is key in that he’s completely dismissing your feelings and justifying/minimising his mum’s behaviour. This will not get better.

Show quote history

Yes I agree with you, he has dismissed my feelings and is trying to plaster over it all with ‘she’s just tired’

I’m tired too, doesn’t give me an excuse to be openly rude to people.

Thank you, this is food for thought and perhaps a blessing in disguise.

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Capeprimrose · 30/07/2024 15:31

OP, no man is worth being with someone so weak and spineless.
He's also a liar.
Of course he noticed.
Of course he knows.
His mother has form.

Dump him and run and don't be tactful.....your mother is ghastly.
He isn't worth being tactful to.

CharlTen79 · 30/07/2024 15:37

Oh god, she is one of those mothers that's in love with their son 😂I've met a few in my time and it's unbearable!

Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me! Unless you don't really have to see her often but even then 😬I'd walk away.

Original poster

Thisismyusername15 · 30/07/2024 15:49

After thinking things through I do feel she’s one of those mums indeed.

She has made comment about his ex wife not being good enough for him, it wasn’t said in as many words but it came across like that.

It’s probably why SIL refuses to have anything to do with her also.

This means I’ll never be good enough in her eyes for her son. Frustrating really, I bloody adore him and enjoy being with him.

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Lilysgoneshopping · 30/07/2024 15:51

Mummy probably doesn't want other women coming near her darling baby boy.
Throw this one back. It will only get worse

2chocolateoranges · 30/07/2024 15:55

Looks like one is good enough for her precious boys!

personally I’d keep my distance however if I heard her being rude I’d ask her if she was always rude like that ?

chocobaby · 30/07/2024 15:58

Thisismyusername15 · 30/07/2024 15:49

After thinking things through I do feel she’s one of those mums indeed.

She has made comment about his ex wife not being good enough for him, it wasn’t said in as many words but it came across like that.

It’s probably why SIL refuses to have anything to do with her also.

This means I’ll never be good enough in her eyes for her son. Frustrating really, I bloody adore him and enjoy being with him.

Yes you do adore him, OP but does he adore you enough to check his mum when she makes such remarks and makes you feel uncomfortable? I think not!
A good friend had the same problem. Her partner never had her back. Made all sorts of excuses for his mother. She finally had to leave after 4 wasted years as she saw it was never going to change.

I think you should just leave this situation before you get more committed. If your BF stood by you, that’s another matter, but he’s clearly a mummy’s boy

Original poster

Thisismyusername15 · 30/07/2024 16:02

chocobaby · 30/07/2024 15:58

Yes you do adore him, OP but does he adore you enough to check his mum when she makes such remarks and makes you feel uncomfortable? I think not!
A good friend had the same problem. Her partner never had her back. Made all sorts of excuses for his mother. She finally had to leave after 4 wasted years as she saw it was never going to change.

I think you should just leave this situation before you get more committed. If your BF stood by you, that’s another matter, but he’s clearly a mummy’s boy

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You’re quite right. Boyfriend comes across as the type to try and keep the peace so I can see him not wanting to upset her.

It’s upset me as I thought I had met someone decent and started to feel excited about the future after being in a shitty relationship previously.

He knows I’m upset and miffed, I sent him a message querying the situation after and telling him I had heard her dislike of me. He wants to talk about it later so I’ve not said anything further as would prefer to talk about it face to face. I can see him trying to appease his mother though and trying to plaster over it all.

Going to see what he says tonight.

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Meadowfinch · 30/07/2024 16:07

Avoid her. She appears to be the sad type who can't cope with not being the only woman in her sons' lives.

It's not you. it's her jealousy and inadequacy. Nothing you can do but adjust your behaviour and stay away.

CascaChan · 30/07/2024 16:11

Do you think that your partner and his brother run to their mum with their relationship problems and complain about you?
When a family member or friend comes to you after a row with their spouse and you learn how they have been treated, it’s kind of hard to put it to one side once they make up again.
I am in no way saying that you deserve this treatment or it’s in anyway justified, but everyone has arguments and she will only hear his side.
That could account for why it’s a sudden dislike.

CountryGirlInTheCity · 30/07/2024 16:17

You seem to really like him so it’s at least worth a proper conversation…The relationship is still possible but only if he’s willing to change his attitude and be prepared to back you and stick up for you when his mum is being rude to you. If he’s just going to carry on minimising her behaviour it will be miserable.

I’d sit him down and spell it out in no uncertain terms that his mum has taken an irrational dislike to you and was publicly rude to you a few days ago. Point out the repeating pattern of her behaviour. Remind him of all the excuses he made for her and tell him that you’re not buying the excuses or putting up with the behaviour (hers or his). Tell him that if he wants to continue with you things will have to be different in the future and that any hint of him taking the easy road with his mum means it’s over. Make it clear that you expect him to call out any future rudeness and generally have your back with her. Tell him no self-respecting girlfriend is going to accept that however much they love her son! Don’t put up with reassurances that he will change without clear action. You’ll know if he’s likely to do it if he acknowledges that her behaviour was unacceptable. If he carries on minimising what happened I think you will be at the end of the road….

Original poster

Thisismyusername15 · 30/07/2024 16:18

CascaChan · 30/07/2024 16:11

Do you think that your partner and his brother run to their mum with their relationship problems and complain about you?
When a family member or friend comes to you after a row with their spouse and you learn how they have been treated, it’s kind of hard to put it to one side once they make up again.
I am in no way saying that you deserve this treatment or it’s in anyway justified, but everyone has arguments and she will only hear his side.
That could account for why it’s a sudden dislike.

We’re in that typical honeymoon phase so there’s not been any issues or problems. Well not on my side anyway.

Just going off my gut feeling but I don’t think he does go to his mum with problems etc, I could be wrong though.

Even if he had and suddenly she didn’t like me because of that, surely it’d still be civil to at least be polite to me whilst I was there? I don’t know.

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Original poster

Thisismyusername15 · 30/07/2024 16:21

CountryGirlInTheCity · 30/07/2024 16:17

You seem to really like him so it’s at least worth a proper conversation…The relationship is still possible but only if he’s willing to change his attitude and be prepared to back you and stick up for you when his mum is being rude to you. If he’s just going to carry on minimising her behaviour it will be miserable.

I’d sit him down and spell it out in no uncertain terms that his mum has taken an irrational dislike to you and was publicly rude to you a few days ago. Point out the repeating pattern of her behaviour. Remind him of all the excuses he made for her and tell him that you’re not buying the excuses or putting up with the behaviour (hers or his). Tell him that if he wants to continue with you things will have to be different in the future and that any hint of him taking the easy road with his mum means it’s over. Make it clear that you expect him to call out any future rudeness and generally have your back with her. Tell him no self-respecting girlfriend is going to accept that however much they love her son! Don’t put up with reassurances that he will change without clear action. You’ll know if he’s likely to do it if he acknowledges that her behaviour was unacceptable. If he carries on minimising what happened I think you will be at the end of the road….

Thanks, I’ve been thinking this is the way I’m going to approach the situation.

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