Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My new boyfriend’s mum ‘suddenly’ doesn’t like me

136 replies

Thisismyusername15 · 30/07/2024 14:54

Need to run through this with someone as it’s upset me a little.

Been with new boyfriend for a little while and met his parents about 6 weeks ago more or less.
Everything seemed fine at first. His parents seemed to like me. His mum was very friendly and chatty and I’ve seen them about 2 or 3 times since then.

Boyfriend is divorced and I heard from him that his ex wife and his mum never really got on but didn’t know exactly why.

It’s the same for my boyfriend’s brother wife, she doesn’t get on with the mum either for reasons unknown and will refuse to come to any events or outings if the mum is there.

At first I didn’t think too much of it (yes I was being that bloody naive) however today we were invited over to his parents for lunch. We both work from home today so agreed and turned up.

His mum was completely off with me to the point she was really rude. She grunted at me multiple times whenever I spoke to her, and at times just plainly ignored me. I went to the loo and overheard his mum say she didn’t like me to his dad! The entire atmosphere was awkward and to be honest I did leave feeling a bit upset.

I’ve not done or said anything untoward so I was really racking my brains over this.

Boyfriend apparently didn’t notice any tension at all and is unsure as to why his mum suddenly dislikes me.

Am I being unreasonable to feel so miffed as to the sudden change? I have a feeling she’s the type of mum where no one is good enough for her sons. I’m not sure how to approach this situation.

OP posts:
Shitlord · 31/07/2024 12:28

Ok but the main thing is, what will he do differently? As in, will he gloss over it in future if you raise a concern? Will he moan that he's in the middle? Take a call from her in the middle of an important conversation with you? Will he accept that you don't need to see much of his mother at all? Yes his mother is a nightmare. He can't control that. But how does he propose handling it in the relationship? She won't change. Will he just make it your problem again?

CountryGirlInTheCity · 31/07/2024 12:43

Whalewatching · 31/07/2024 12:19

Yep. Give him a chance but be prepared to walk. Why some mothers think they should always supersede the person their son has chosen to love is beyond me. How is that a loving, motherly thing to do? I say this as a mother of sons, knowing that I come in as the second most important woman in their lives, certainly not top of the list.

Which is correct and perfectly fine with me.
Shes a silly woman, trying to make her son pick.

Couldn’t agree more….she doesn’t own him!!

We have a grown up, married son and I’m just thankful he has a wife who loves him as much as she does. If he wasn’t putting her first I’d be wondering where I’d gone wrong in his upbringing. She’s a complete darling and we adore her but even if she was hard work I’d still want him to put her first!

Hope you can sort it OP. 🤗

Silvers11 · 31/07/2024 12:47

Shitlord · 31/07/2024 12:28

Ok but the main thing is, what will he do differently? As in, will he gloss over it in future if you raise a concern? Will he moan that he's in the middle? Take a call from her in the middle of an important conversation with you? Will he accept that you don't need to see much of his mother at all? Yes his mother is a nightmare. He can't control that. But how does he propose handling it in the relationship? She won't change. Will he just make it your problem again?

This would be my worry too @Thisismyusername15 I doubt that talking to her will make any long term difference to how his Mum behaves, even if it helps for a few days/weeks

Have you pointed out to him, that his ex and your SIL also could not get on with his Mum so it's not you it's her and if he can't see that, your relationship has absolutely no chance?. He also needs to change so that he always supports you and doesn't opt out/complain about being in the middle but is willing to stand up to her when needed?

Wisterialily · 31/07/2024 12:50

Saying his mum is tired, is not only not the reason, but your boyf is shutting down the conversation. I wouldn't take as answer, I would discuss frankly with him why his mum ignored you was openly hostile, what was the sudden change and ask him what is the story behind SIL. You can't move forward without this info.

Imagine having children in this scenario, would drive you mad

Motnight · 31/07/2024 12:52

Wisterialily · 31/07/2024 12:50

Saying his mum is tired, is not only not the reason, but your boyf is shutting down the conversation. I wouldn't take as answer, I would discuss frankly with him why his mum ignored you was openly hostile, what was the sudden change and ask him what is the story behind SIL. You can't move forward without this info.

Imagine having children in this scenario, would drive you mad

I agree with this.

teenboymom · 31/07/2024 12:55

She is annoyed you are supposedly taking son away but ironically she's going to push him away by behaving like that!!

I'm a mum of boys and I know mine are still young but my teen brought home his first gf this week to meet us and I nearly bent over backwards to make her feel welcome and to form a good relationship with her as I know if that is in place, my son is more likely to hang out in our house and then I get to see them more!

Katiesaidthat · 31/07/2024 13:11

CascaChan · 30/07/2024 16:11

Do you think that your partner and his brother run to their mum with their relationship problems and complain about you?
When a family member or friend comes to you after a row with their spouse and you learn how they have been treated, it’s kind of hard to put it to one side once they make up again.
I am in no way saying that you deserve this treatment or it’s in anyway justified, but everyone has arguments and she will only hear his side.
That could account for why it’s a sudden dislike.

I disagree. I think it is more that when she thought the OP and her son were just ships passing in the night time, she was ok, when she realised it was getting more serious, and a competitor had arrived for her son´s affections, then dislike creeps in and she has to show the new arrival her place in the pecking order.
OP´s partner has noticed, and know his mom is like that, but is a spinelss git who has started to gaslight her.
OP, just don´t bother with her and if not too far gone, distance yourself from this man, he just doesn´t have your back.

Whoowhoopitstbesoundofthedapolice · 31/07/2024 13:29

Thisismyusername15 · 31/07/2024 11:38

So we’ve got to the bottom of it. This is massively outing but probably demonstrates what his mother will be like if I carried on the relationship….

Last weekend his mum invited us on a day out with the extended family. I politely declined as recently had surgery so I’ve been struggling a bit with pain. Boyfriend also said he’d stay with me to look after me, which was very nice of him but I didn’t force him to, it was his own decision.

His mum wasn’t too happy at boyfriend’s decision apparently and is worried I’m going to take her son from her.

I had a feeling it would be something like this, but for goodness sake he’s nearly 40! He’s been married before!

I have said he needs to speak to his mum about it, I’ve also said I’m not happy to accept that his mother will be like this with me from now on. I think he can see I mean business and is apparently speaking to her today. Whether he will, I don’t know, but I am preparing to walk if this carries on.

I'd walk away now.

He won't talk to her .. that would mean facing the issue and it seems he finds it easier to ignore her behaviour .. off day my arse!

The fact she is blaming you for his decisions says it all really .. 40 or not he has autonomy and she's being an absolute fud over it. It would not be worth losing your sense of peace and self-worth having that auld bat nosing in and taking the huff whenever she felt slighted, you'd have no peace and she would 100% move the goalposts every time.

Sorry your bf turned out to be a child

Imperrysmum · 31/07/2024 13:45

teenboymom · 31/07/2024 12:55

She is annoyed you are supposedly taking son away but ironically she's going to push him away by behaving like that!!

I'm a mum of boys and I know mine are still young but my teen brought home his first gf this week to meet us and I nearly bent over backwards to make her feel welcome and to form a good relationship with her as I know if that is in place, my son is more likely to hang out in our house and then I get to see them more!

A MIL with sense that looks at the bigger picture!! If my MIL had been like you her son and I wouldn’t be NC right now and would be living nearby

BobbyBiscuits · 31/07/2024 14:13

She can't dislike you. She's only met you three or 4 times briefly in her life?!
She clearly just hates all her son's partners. Just don't see or speak to her. If he invites you to theirs just decline. You've no need to curry favour with this woman. She's clearly exceptionally rude.

FreeRider · 31/07/2024 14:37

My ex husband's partner of 11 years died suddenly a couple of months ago... she was only in her late 30s. We are still good friends and were speaking about when his mother died (70) 14 years ago, and he said that he was far more devastated by the death of his partner.

I was talking to my mother and happened to mention the above. She was absolutely horrified, really didn't like that in my ex's eyes his partner 'outranked' his mother...'why would he be' was exactly what she said. Suffice to say my mother hates my sister-in-law for no good reason and automatically blames SIL for any decision they make as a couple that my mother doesn't like.

I think men who have mother's like your boyfriend's and my mother should be avoided like the plague. The mother's never get any better, usually worse.

CascaChan · 31/07/2024 17:30

@Katiesaidthat I think you could be right!

Original poster
Thisismyusername15 · 31/07/2024 20:47

I have just received a text from his mother apologising for her behaviour!
She’s blamed it on an off day and doesn’t want to fall out with me over it. She apologies for being rude and wishes to make it up to me.

Not sure what to do now. I’m not sure if she’s being sincere or she feels she’s been pushed into it to keep the peace.

It doesn’t excuse her saying she didn’t like me though, that’s why I’m very wary.

OP posts:
GettingStuffed · 31/07/2024 21:03

The problem with men like this is that they've been trained from an early age that mummy is always right and will be there for you in times of trouble.

If you like him enough and he will accept you don't want to see his mother then carry on, if he makes excuses or minimises her behaviour than you never be first in his life.

CountryGirlInTheCity · 31/07/2024 21:20

Well it shows that a) your bf had the conversation he said he would and b) that he was firm enough to prompt an apology so that’s all positive! He clearly thinks enough of you to be willing to stick his neck out with his mum which is the main thing.

As for the apology, I would tend to try to take it at face value and accept it graciously and try to move on. You will no doubt have your antenna tuned to spot anything similar in the future but you don’t have to tell them that!

I’m also not sure I really accept that it was an ‘off day’ but she’s clearly had a shot across her bows so maybe she will grudgingly behave now that she knows that her son won’t accept it…,

If you think the relationship is worth it, I’d tend towards sticking with him, but bring clear that you simply won’t put up with future bad treatment from her. You’ve done a good thing in being all over it at the first sign of meanness.

KeeponReading · 31/07/2024 21:58

Hi. I've been married 20+ years to a man who's mother is one of the most unpleasant overt narcs I've ever met. Unfortunately I was bought up by a more covert narc, so I was conditioned to accept bad behaviour. It's been really painful. The nicer I've been to her, the more horrible she's been to me. He wouldnt protect me ( insert the usual excuses). I pleaded, i wailed, i asked why. He avoided.
Now she's old and on her own ... and needs/expects help. From family. On her terms of course.
Unfortunately for her I started to come out of the FOG ( fear obligation and guilt), and when she really crossed the red line , I'll now only see her on highdays and holidays. She, like your bf' s mother, has also belatedly tried to make 'nice' ( Oh no, the worm has turned !), but I'm still staying away. It took 20+ bloody years ! Sad but true.

OP - Don't be like me. You have Internet resources nowadays. Plus books like Toxic parents in law, and Toxic Parents, by Susan Forward. Dealing with Immature Parents ( Google the author). This is a valuable if painful learning experience

(The stupid thing is that my MIL undoubtedly realises now that she's shot herself in the foot. Because , by trying to remove non blood relatives , she's also lost some of the people who would have facilitated more support in the long term - if she'd been nicer)

Mom2K · 31/07/2024 22:21

CharlTen79 · 30/07/2024 15:37

Oh god, she is one of those mothers that's in love with their son 😂I've met a few in my time and it's unbearable!

Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me! Unless you don't really have to see her often but even then 😬I'd walk away.

I didn't have to see my ex MIL often as we lived far from her but she was still a nightmare.

Her son was an entitled misogynist too and now that we're divorced he's back living with his mummy 🙄

OP throw this one back. If you marry him, you're marrying his family too. He's already showing that he has no backbone when it comes to his mother and in fact excuses her behaviour. Do you want a lifetime of excusing yourself from family events or feeling awful having to go and tolerate her? She will probably try to be overbearing and controlling with any future children you have as well. It's just not worth it.

She will try to drive a wedge between you and her son. He won't back you. Get rid.

Mom2K · 31/07/2024 22:35

If he does prove that he can and will stand up to his mother for you consistently (hopefully it wouldn't be an ongoing situation if she can behave after being confronted by her DS), and if he was willing to reduce contact with her if she wouldn’t stop - then you might be ok to proceed with the relationship. But I'd absolutely only do this if I could trust my partner to do whatever was necessary to put a stop to it. If he showed any indication that he was unable or unwilling to defend/protect me, then the relationship would be over.

Capeprimrose · 31/07/2024 22:43

OP, you have gotten to the bottom of nothing.
He likes you, but he hasn't a notion of standing up to his mother.
He's 40 and hasn't the manners nor basic cop on not to hang up mid serious conversation with his girlfriend to answer a call from his mummy🙄.

He's a gobshite.
He can't even finish a conversation if she calls.....and you think he will have words with her?

Give your head a wobble, not a chance.
Protect yourself.

VWT5 · 31/07/2024 22:48

When you are next due to visit, could you send your partner alone, and you befriend the brother’s girlfriend and let them know you are meeting for a girly lunch? Bonus points if you can both include your own mothers as well.

It might give your boyfriends DM pause for thought about her own behaviour now and going forwards…

MissMoan · 31/07/2024 22:56

I think this is more a reflection of the mum than it is of you - she seems to have an adverse reaction to all her offspring's partners.
I would have been upset too in your position, but please do not take this personally. It sounds like no one will be good enough for her little darlings, no matter how wonderful you all may be.
Maybe kill her with kindness?
Best of luck, @Thisismyusername15

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 31/07/2024 23:00

I wouldnt end it over this especially as the mother has apologised. Od give it another chance

Noseybookworm · 31/07/2024 23:13

Dump him and run! He's making excuses for her bad behaviour and definitely won't stand up to her in the future. She would be the mother in law from hell 👹

mirrensidhe · 01/08/2024 00:42

She has made comment about his ex wife not being good enough for him this just means, she can't dominate her and sees you as a similar issue.

LifeExperience · 01/08/2024 01:36

If a new relationship is already this difficult, it doesn't bode well for the future.