My new boyfriend’s mum ‘suddenly’ doesn’t like me

[Thisismyusername15]

Need to run through this with someone as it’s upset me a little.

Been with new boyfriend for a little while and met his parents about 6 weeks ago more or less.
Everything seemed fine at first. His parents seemed to like me. His mum was very friendly and chatty and I’ve seen them about 2 or 3 times since then.

Boyfriend is divorced and I heard from him that his ex wife and his mum never really got on but didn’t know exactly why.

It’s the same for my boyfriend’s brother wife, she doesn’t get on with the mum either for reasons unknown and will refuse to come to any events or outings if the mum is there.

At first I didn’t think too much of it (yes I was being that bloody naive) however today we were invited over to his parents for lunch. We both work from home today so agreed and turned up.

His mum was completely off with me to the point she was really rude. She grunted at me multiple times whenever I spoke to her, and at times just plainly ignored me. I went to the loo and overheard his mum say she didn’t like me to his dad! The entire atmosphere was awkward and to be honest I did leave feeling a bit upset.

I’ve not done or said anything untoward so I was really racking my brains over this.

Boyfriend apparently didn’t notice any tension at all and is unsure as to why his mum suddenly dislikes me.

Am I being unreasonable to feel so miffed as to the sudden change? I have a feeling she’s the type of mum where no one is good enough for her sons. I’m not sure how to approach this situation.

Ooft. Run .

Imagine having her as a grandparents to your kids. Fuck that. And he's a wet spineless twat too. He won't have your back.

See what he has to say.

My DP handled the above badly (there were other similar instances too with his sister) but I wouldn't write him off over it, he just knows I won't be seeing much if any of his mother and am still awaiting a proper apology for his role in the whole shitshow. Thing is though, he's never denied what she's like or that her behaviour was awful. Also that he has been deeply affected by it, he just didn't manage it well in the moment (which was longer than a moment as we were visiting them in country) and somewhat let me blame myself. Not pretty and I was very close to flying home but on balance I realised she was a really difficult woman and it was bigger than me

If someone has a difficult and irrational parent, it's a really tough thing for them to develop and enforce appropriate boundaries over. It's not necessarily unforgivable to get it wrong but they have to accept your point of view and mediate things afterwards (and support you not seeing the old cow).

See what he comes out with. He might open up about how she's been throughout his life and admit he managed that badly. If so, there may be room for discussion. If he glasses over what happened, gaslights, obfuscates or minimises, I wouldn't bother.

I've seen this from a different angle - my dad's mum.

No current girlfriend of his had ever been good enough (although past ones were put on a pedestal and used as a comparison), and my mum only married him because he was working away when they met so she had minimal exposure to her future MiL. Once they were married she constantly interfered and dripped poison. Whenever they had plans she suddenly needed urgent help with jobs around the house - and he always prioritised her. When they moved house, she moved too so she remained nearby. They were very acrimoniously divorced after a few years almost entirely because of her. She stuck her oar into that process as well, to maximise arguments.

Walk away.

If he can't see it, if he excuses her to avoid her being upset but doesn't care how you feel, then however nice he is in other ways it's doomed.

So boyfriend has just called, he’s said he doesn’t know what’s going on and is putting it down to an ‘off day’ and he also said he feels he’s stuck in the middle now.

Great.

The shit part of the above is that half way through the call his mother apparently rang him so he had to end our call to speak to her!

So I guess that’s that then.

Sorry it's ended that way, but at least he's made his priorities clear before you were in too deep.

Dump him.

Tell him that you heard it loud and clear and the fact that he doesn't believe means you have no future because you want someone who will believe and support you if you have a problem.

Make it clear that his mother will be a continuing problem with any relationship he has if he does this.

This is not a you problem.

This can't be fixed and if it's early in the relationship cut your losses. It's not worth it. You will always be second best.

This tells you everything you need to know. I posted the above about always being second best before reading this post.

He's just demonstrated it.

His priority and loyalty will always be his mother first.

Just make sure he knows why you're splitting up if you do. And make sure he sees the pattern of behaviour (he will already but just make sure you spell it out so he gets the message and can't claim ignorance).

Yes!

Form an alliance. I speak from experience.

Also, you bf doesn't notice? THERE'S your real problem.

Yep. He will make excuses for her forever, and will never have your back, no matter how badly she treats you.

Ah no thanks. I could work with a tricky family relationship. He cant help that. Not this shit though. He has to take control of bringing a partner into it. Ending the call to speak to his mother in this situation would have wiped out any attraction to him.

Better that you know now rather than waste more time on him.

You don't want to end up tied to one of those pathetic my mummy can do no wrong types.

Be grateful “that’s that” early on in this relationship and be bloody proud of yourself for showing yourself the respect you deserve.

You’re laying the foundations for very healthy future relationships, knowing your clear boundaries.

It does suck in the moment though so be kind to yourself.

That tells you all you need to know then. Sorry OP.

Yes - make it really clear that ultimately it’s his behaviour that’s the deciding factor not hers. You could probably live with a mean MIL as long as you had his backing to not see her often and call out her poor behaviour but if he won’t do that you’re not willing to put up with him allowing you to be treated badly…and neither would most women!

Sounds like he’s got some growing up to do!

Yes. OP, dump him now and get it over with or dump him later and it'll be worse. You're going to do it anyway.

They always say they are 'stuck in the middle' when they mean they are too cowardly to stand up to their mothers!

I do t know why this bothers you?

Genuinely.

It's obviously not you, it's her. Just carry on as you are. If you break up with someone you like because his mum's a bitch then she's won, hasn't she?

You're being daft. Life's not a game that you have to 'win'. Better to let her win because he is a dick anyway.

How come a man is some sort of prize to be fought over by two women?

I hope the OP has more dignity and self respect and understanding it's not about winning or losing but about being treated with respect and having someone who has her back and believe her.

Sorry OP but he’s shown you she’ll always be his priority over you. And you probably have an idea of how life has been for the SIL over the years.

Sadly this won’t ever get better. She’ll continue to play the pick me dance for his attention and no woman will ever be allowed to be more important than her. She’ll be the MIL from hell - walk now before you get hurt even more.

You deserve better than this nonsense. Run for the hills and ignore any wheedling. Plenty more fish in the sea and all that.

Imagine if it was the opposite way around and you had said you didn’t like his mum. He wouldn’t be in the middle then, he’d probably dump you.