My new boyfriend’s mum ‘suddenly’ doesn’t like me

[Thisismyusername15]

Need to run through this with someone as it’s upset me a little.

Been with new boyfriend for a little while and met his parents about 6 weeks ago more or less.
Everything seemed fine at first. His parents seemed to like me. His mum was very friendly and chatty and I’ve seen them about 2 or 3 times since then.

Boyfriend is divorced and I heard from him that his ex wife and his mum never really got on but didn’t know exactly why.

It’s the same for my boyfriend’s brother wife, she doesn’t get on with the mum either for reasons unknown and will refuse to come to any events or outings if the mum is there.

At first I didn’t think too much of it (yes I was being that bloody naive) however today we were invited over to his parents for lunch. We both work from home today so agreed and turned up.

His mum was completely off with me to the point she was really rude. She grunted at me multiple times whenever I spoke to her, and at times just plainly ignored me. I went to the loo and overheard his mum say she didn’t like me to his dad! The entire atmosphere was awkward and to be honest I did leave feeling a bit upset.

I’ve not done or said anything untoward so I was really racking my brains over this.

Boyfriend apparently didn’t notice any tension at all and is unsure as to why his mum suddenly dislikes me.

Am I being unreasonable to feel so miffed as to the sudden change? I have a feeling she’s the type of mum where no one is good enough for her sons. I’m not sure how to approach this situation.

Yeah, she's going to hate you more now you've made mummy's precious likkle soldier be mean to her because you've bewitched him with your womanly wiles.

Seriously never get between Jocasta and her baby boy if you want a happy life.
It's not worth being with a man with a mother like that. She won't change, she'll get more sly about it.

I agree with most of this. I hope that I am wrong but I wonder if your boyfriend's mother is just going to become more subtle in her poor treatment of you. I can't see that a woman renowned for her bad behaviour is going to just flip a switch and become a more pleasant person.

Reminds me of DD’s boyfriend’s sister. She took the hump big time once because DD’s overseas bf came to the uk to see dd for her birthday for a flying visit. The sister also lives in the uk (six hours away) and was furious her brother didn’t go see her……he was here for 3 days! Since then the sister has been horrible to dd. Bf is also feeling like he’s caught in the middle and reluctant to stand up to his sister.

its good your bf has spoken to his mum but with her history I would not expect this to be the last of it. I think some people are so insanely jealous that they can’t help themselves. She’s shown her true colours. To be honest what she does is kind of irrelevant, it’s how the bf handles it which counts. I’d be trying to meet the sil and get her side of things. Could be eye opening.

He's stuck up for you and got her to apologise. But the original problem was that she was afraid you would take him away from her. Him sticking up for you only proves the point. She wants her baby boy to be miserable and single for the rest of his life.

Dump him. It's not worth the aggro.

Plenty of other men around.

I'd probably give it a bit longer as he resolved it but you may find yourself questioning is he worth the grief.

I agree that she may become more sly with her dislike now she’s been told off. I do feel she’s only apologised because she’s had to, rather than because she wants to.

It’s giving me a lot of thinking to do. Apart from this issue things seemed to be going well between me and him and it’s very difficult to walk away from that right now.

I am in plenty other men around camp. No way I would shackle myself to this, no matter how wonderful the bf might be. You can remain friends.

Why should you drop him? Just refuse to see her. If you are asked why, say she said she didn’t like me. You know what you heard. If she calls or sends a message and apologises, give her a chance.

Similar thing happened to someone I know, the mother was a big mouth and said things she didn’t even mean. She was not worth losing the relationship over, and she actually grew to really like the person she commented about.

Speak to his SIL if you can, to help you put a picture together of what she is fully like.
She has probably been cut off for good reason.
But your boyfriends go to, is to lie, minimise, dismiss, and play victim in order to brush his mothers behaviour aside.

Look carefully at that.
He said he never noticed she was off/rude.
He minimised it by saying it was an off day.
He dismissed it as tiredness.
He said I'm in the middle now, playing victim.

She behaved very badly and his go to was to say poor me I'm in the middle.

He has only spoken to her because you have had to force the issue.
Fundamentally he thinks it's OK for his mother to treat people poorly.

This will happen again, of that you can be sure. This is who she is. She will be one of those who will do it out of his hearing so he will have full deniability.

It will get so old and will become a permanent sore between you.

Similar happened to my friend meeting a lovely guys family overnight on the way to a wedding. His mother was very rude.
He too ignored it.
They carried on to the wedding but she finished it upon return. She said I like YOU but your family simply isn't good enough. She told him that she came from a lovely family who knew how to treat a guest and she knew that she had no interest in ever being in his mothers company again.

She never budged from her position. He was really nice too.

I think, given your update, I would probably tell him that you accept his mother's apology, but won't be visiting her again. Be gracious, but make it clear it is 'forgiven not forgotten'.

Keep boundaries in place and continue to see him whilst being firm that you have politely accepted the apology, but prefer not to spend anymore time with her now.

Did you ask her why she said she didn’t like you?

Because this is enmeshment and men with mothers like this make the worst partners in the world.

This is gross, take it from someone who has has dealt with two mother enmeshed men now. You will never be happy with him.

The nerve she has to say she's worried you'll take her son off him, and not see anything wrong or have any shame with that?? Their dynamic is fucked up and above your pay grade

Please run

It doesn't matter why.

1. the mum doesn't have a reason against the OP. The mum is just a bitch. She won't like ANYONE.

2. doesn't matter if the mum doesn't like OP. The bf presumably loves her. End scene.

His mum wasn’t too happy at boyfriend’s decision apparently and is worried I’m going to take her son from her.

That comment enough would have me running for the hills. She sees him as her possession and she’ll fight you to the death for his love and attention .

Honestly unless you do exactly what the very wise SIL has, you’ll spend your life with her constantly playing the pick me dance for him to always choose her over you.

I was married for 20 years to a man who never had my back in regards to his parents. It wasn’t immediately difficult because we lived a distance away , but then we moved right with them..a farm we owned, they looked after when we lived elsewhere and we eventually combined the animals on one place…and his mother was a nightmare, his father sexually harassed me.

The worst was the mother took over my children. The father, too. He’d come in, no knocking, grab the baby and just leave. Take him to the mil. If I wanted baby back, I’d have to face them and collect him. They never brought him back, even hours later.
I wasn’t allowed to object or prevent. What mil wants, mil gets.
Id run. I knew I’d made a mistake after 18 months , something he said about his parents, but it took a lot longer to be able to leave. No family, friends, money. I was 18 when we met and moved in very quickly because he lived too remote to date normally. More isolated than most can even imagine in remote areas, no driving licence, no public transport, no near neighbours. Just explaining why it lasted 20 years…of hell.
Give up now.

@Thisismyusername15 Been there done that. Very luckily for me we are now NC with DH mum. She was awful and she would never had changed. He finally had enough of her ways ( I was careful to never, ever put him in a situation of having to choose) and that was that. Now I know I am lucky because that is not the norm and most men would have 'chosen' their mum. She won't change. And he isn't most likely going to do anything about it. So - can you put it up with it? I'd get out now if I were you.

@Thisismyusername15 Oh and in the beginning he used to make excuses for her behaviour, but they weren't really excuses because he couldn't or didn't want to see the truth. No one wants to think their mum is a total bitch! She was very, very sly about it.

She didn't get on with the ex wife and the dil doesn't see her

This reminds me of jobs I see advertised over and over again. You just know there's a reason why

Imagine if you went on to have a child, it would get ten times worse as you'd have to see her more

He knows but isn't saying

Dump him

This is a blessing that they've shown you exactly whonthey are and where you stand.

The fact he doubled down knowing the history says everything and the cherry is in that important conversation his mother's call was more important...

Head held high, you deserve better.

Let them all be in this dysfunction, you don't need this.

I had 15 years of being the other woman to his mother and him answering mid sentence to really important conversation. . . It does not change. I'll never get that time back!

The right one is out there x

Op my MIL behaved terribly for years (I am talking 20 plus). Not just to me but other family members. My DH just couldn't see it for years and indeed MIL's behaviour was excused by many people.

Your DH may genuinely not see his mother's behaviour yet for what it is. My MIL is now NC with several members of the immediate family including her son (my DH), my DD and I.

I'd speak to your partner about sitting down and having a chat with her. If this is a relationship that you see going the distance, moving in together, maybe having kids together then this woman is going to be in your life for a very long time.. If your partner agrees then sit down with her, express how you felt at her home. Let her know that you absolutely will not stand for any BS and that if she speaks to you/treats you like that again you will have no problem ending your communication with her and taking the same stance as SIL. Tell her that's not something you want to happen, if kids will be involved etc and that you'd rather things were amicable, until such time where you do something to deserve such treatment. Then leave the ball in her court. Maybe nobody has ever pulled her properly on this behaviour.

As a mother to a boy, I can tell you that I haven't always been crazy about all of my son's choices when it comes to his girlfriends. What I have always done is be polite and welcomed them to my home, because they were his choice not mine. Never ever would I pass comment that I didn't like someone while they were under my roof, that's just rude!
You need to decide how important this relationship is to you, because it doesn't sound as if you're going to be accepted by his mom, nor protected by him from her prejudices. If you stay the distance with him, I guarantee you will have issues in the future/wedding clashes/arguments over how to raise children etc.
Unless you truly feel this man is the love of your life, I personally would advise doing a Forest Gump - run!