My new boyfriend’s mum ‘suddenly’ doesn’t like me

[Thisismyusername15]

Need to run through this with someone as it’s upset me a little.

Been with new boyfriend for a little while and met his parents about 6 weeks ago more or less.
Everything seemed fine at first. His parents seemed to like me. His mum was very friendly and chatty and I’ve seen them about 2 or 3 times since then.

Boyfriend is divorced and I heard from him that his ex wife and his mum never really got on but didn’t know exactly why.

It’s the same for my boyfriend’s brother wife, she doesn’t get on with the mum either for reasons unknown and will refuse to come to any events or outings if the mum is there.

At first I didn’t think too much of it (yes I was being that bloody naive) however today we were invited over to his parents for lunch. We both work from home today so agreed and turned up.

His mum was completely off with me to the point she was really rude. She grunted at me multiple times whenever I spoke to her, and at times just plainly ignored me. I went to the loo and overheard his mum say she didn’t like me to his dad! The entire atmosphere was awkward and to be honest I did leave feeling a bit upset.

I’ve not done or said anything untoward so I was really racking my brains over this.

Boyfriend apparently didn’t notice any tension at all and is unsure as to why his mum suddenly dislikes me.

Am I being unreasonable to feel so miffed as to the sudden change? I have a feeling she’s the type of mum where no one is good enough for her sons. I’m not sure how to approach this situation.

This! 👆Nailed it.

I really feel for you op but I do think it’s only going to get worse and it won’t become evident to your man how toxic his mother is until a good few relationships have been lost

My ex mil was like this and was very much part of the reason we divorced. Ex DH used to tell her everything and she would think it ok to try and discuss it with me even so far as asking if I was seeing someone else.

I also found out that at my wedding she was telling all the other guests I was awful for not inviting my mum (she was an alcoholic and we hadn't spoken for 10 years) and that my dads partner of 20 years shouldn't be there as she wasn't family.

Also to my face - ' you're quite pretty for a fat girl'

Tell him if he does not stand up to his mother now , she will ruin every future relationship he has .

Given she doesn't get on with her other sons partner and didn't with your dp's ex I'm gonna guess it isn't you
Some people are just weird

'Stuck in the middle'? Between his mum, who's been hideously rude, and you, who just want his mum to be pleasant??

He's taking the easy way out.

I'd tell him that if he doesn't sort it, his mum will ruin every one of his relationships from now on.

This! 👆🏽

Sorry OP I would definitely be rethinking this relationship if he doesn't see his mothers toxic behaviour he is always going to defend her, it's just going to get worse

My MIL has got a really nasty streak and you never quite know when she's going to strike.

It's not because my DH is a mummy's boy, it's just in her genes.

My DH knows exactly what she's like, but I do wish he'd warned me about her in the early days.

Thankfully we're 2 hrs away.

And don't for one minute think the nastiness will bypass her grandchildren, because my MIL can be a nasty bitch to them as well.

My FIL has sadly died, and nobody really bothers with her anymore, so it's finally caught up with her and I don't have an ounce of sympathy for her.

That would be it from me.

I'd send him a text message saying, 'I'm not interested in seeing you again now. I'm looking for a committed relationship with someone who is prepared to resolve problems, not make excuses for them or avoid issues. Grown ups don't have 'off' days where they are rude to visitors, I'm afraid. I don't wish to waste time in a relationship with someone that brings toxic in laws along with them. All the best'.

I wonder if he’s said that he likes you and that’s set her off! If he’s this pathetic now, it won’t improve and you’ll be stuck with her forever. Your bf needs to know that his mum will destroy all of his relationships.

Bullet dodged I think. I'd just text him and say that he doesn't need to feel stuck in the middle as it's over, because I don't want to get involved with someone whose mother is rude and unpleasant to all of the women in her sons' lives.

Blushingm

Also to my face - ' you're quite pretty for a fat girl'

I'd have have slapped her hard for that. Assault charges be damned. And if my DH didn't back me up that would be it. D-I-V-O-R-C-E. I mean it about the slap. I have slapped another woman before. She said something racist (I am part Turkish).

Sounds like a narcissist

Your new boyfriend's claim of being 'stuck in the middle' is designed to get you to feel sorry for him and drop the issue. Put up and shut up, in other words. He'll never have your back.

A mum who truly loves their son wants him with a lovely and loving partner and does all she can to welcome them in to her home.

@Thisismyusername15 - Yes, sadly, I would guess that is it too. Him taking his Mother's call, while in the middle of speaking to you, tells you what you already knew, but didn't want to recognise. He will ALWAYS put his Mother first.

Run!!

I bet he doesn't tell his mother he feels 'stuck in the middle' due to her behaviour...

Aww, I'm sorry about this, but it's good that you're outraged - it IS outrageous. No woman with any self-worth would stand for it, no man with any pride would put up with her doing it either.

My mother is like this with my brother - she drove away all his girlfriends, and now they're like a little old married couple at 55 and 83 years respectively. She tried it with my DH but I quickly gave her to understand that it was unacceptable and I would walk away from her rather than him.

My brother is going to be very lonely when she dies. But she doesn't care, because it's not love - it's a horrid kind of malignant codependency, and her needs will always be paramount. So lucky escape for you to realise it now really!

Wishing you the best. 🤗

Please don’t send a message like this.

Run a mile

A life time ago I had a Mummy’s boy. Marriage never had a chance, divorced just after 3 years. Should have trusted my gut and never married him. Luckily very young and no kids to him. One of the attractions of second marriage was no MIL around

This.
Highly manipulative and stating clearly just what a wuss he is.

This information is such an early blessing.
OP, you are young, you have absolutely no idea how having a wuss partner who allows his mother to behave badly towards you will kill a relationship.
You will lose love, respect and sexual attraction.

My friends sister met and married a man quickly whilst working abroad.
They were married only two years when they moved back home.
His mother stuck her oar in from the moment they returned.
She had a gyne issue that obviously was her private medical issue and not only did he tell her, his mother mentioned it when she saw her and how she hoped it wouldn't impact her having children. She quickly left both stunned and appalled.

She was SO UPSET.

She subsequently said that something died that day emotionally for her and she got the ick.
He tried to defend what he did but she was having absolutely none of it and he did then apologise.
Things limped on for a bit with no sex at all.
They had been house hunting and something came up that ticked all their boxes but she realised she didn't want to commit to a house with him and sharing finances.
She no longer trusted him nor fancied him. She told him she wanted a divorce. She spelt it out that he wasn't the man she thought he was, she didn't trust him and she didn't want a family with him.
He was devastated apparently but it was over and she moved out of their rental immediately.
She definitely blamed her MIL, but she blamed him more. No one forced him to tell his mother her private business.

Do NOT under estimate how having toxic inlaws can impact your relationship if the man allows it. It will kill it, because it kills trust.

OMG @Capeprimrose - there's a cautionary tale! The MIL did her a solid by spilling the beans there...

I understand, I would have been devastated too. You're right - it's about trust.

So we’ve got to the bottom of it. This is massively outing but probably demonstrates what his mother will be like if I carried on the relationship….

Last weekend his mum invited us on a day out with the extended family. I politely declined as recently had surgery so I’ve been struggling a bit with pain. Boyfriend also said he’d stay with me to look after me, which was very nice of him but I didn’t force him to, it was his own decision.

His mum wasn’t too happy at boyfriend’s decision apparently and is worried I’m going to take her son from her.

I had a feeling it would be something like this, but for goodness sake he’s nearly 40! He’s been married before!

I have said he needs to speak to his mum about it, I’ve also said I’m not happy to accept that his mother will be like this with me from now on. I think he can see I mean business and is apparently speaking to her today. Whether he will, I don’t know, but I am preparing to walk if this carries on.

Yep. Give him a chance but be prepared to walk. Why some mothers think they should always supersede the person their son has chosen to love is beyond me. How is that a loving, motherly thing to do? I say this as a mother of sons, knowing that I come in as the second most important woman in their lives, certainly not top of the list.

Which is correct and perfectly fine with me.
Shes a silly woman, trying to make her son pick.