Rant Alert!

[generaldogsbody]

Excuse me whilst I ramble, have spent recent few days bickering with dh and feel frustrated,annoyed,crap,stupid,pissed off,bewildered etc. And just need to let off steam before I combust. I won't go into the pettiness of our discussions, needless to say they have left me confused. I know deep down I am a strong intelligent woman, but on a daily basis feel worthless and just a "general dogsbody" who's good for nothing but skivvying! I know being a SAHM is valid and precious but start to doubt myself and think maybe if I got a job I'd feel better. I know I need a break but also know I wont get one without an argument,and I'm really getting tired of that. I'm beginning to dread all the work Xmas will be, when normally I love it. I know I probably have low self esteem, which also makes me mad at myself as I know my potential (pre-kids had good job), but I think I dont believe it anymore. Not expecting any answers, just need to off load. Changed name just in case.

Please ramble away. I often do and probably with less good reason than you. Generaldogsbody, unfortunately that is my role too, as well as work outside (much easier than doing chores at home). Noone appreciates you and you will always be taken for granted.

If you rant audibly enough they will think you are mad or hormonal or depressed. I do not just mean the other halves either. I will be happy to listen to you anytime you want to rant.

Yes, you might feel better if you had a job but you'd have the same amount to do at home as well and be too knackered to rant.

generaldogsbody - I have realised recently that I am a full time MUM, not a full time housekeeper, I recently told dh that if he wants a housekeeper he can pay for one.
It's amazing the amount of hoovering he has done since then!
It only took the one conversation, after months of the bickering you describe. Dunno if this is the root of your problem, but it was the root of ours!

I know just what you mean. I told DH I was planning on taking the boys to a farm today to see Santa and have a day out. He said I could go once I'd done my chores!

Obviously, I'm spending the morning on mumsnet before packing stuff up to go out and forgetting the chores completely...

Cheers for the replies, not sure if it makes me feel better or not, but at least I'm not the only one. The whole thing just irks me so much. It's like I'm invisible unless something needs cooking/cleaning/fixing! Got sick, for 1 day recently and dh and kids all "don't want Mummy to be sick", for dh,not out of concern for my health, more 'cos he had to do a bit (and I mean a bit) more than normal!!

Susanmt-take your point, it might be worth a go?

I think you need to make sure you are not taken for granted - if YOU expect to have to do everything, then everyone else will. Don't end up a martyr - you have a choice. I agree with susanmt, just because you are looking after children does not mean you become cook, cleaner, and ...generaldogsbody!

Perhaps you should consider doing things for the kids for christmas, but not be a dogsbody for anyone else. For example, no huge turkey feast - kids love sausage & mash more anyway! Don't lug bottles of booze home from the supermarket - just do the normal weekly shop. Don't send all his friends & family christmas cards - just send ones to people YOU really know and like. Ditto presents. Dare you (I presume you buy his family's presents) buy small, easy token presents for his parents/siblings?
I am considering doing all these things this year.
Just can't be a*sed to be a mug any more.
I'll let you know how many of this stuff I manage to go through with!
(And if anyone out there has any more cunning ideas, please let me know ...)

General dogsbody, IKWYM

What gets me at present is how much tidying up and fetching and carrying I can find myself doing for everyone - socks dropped carelessly on the floor etc - am I the only one who knows the way to the dirty laundry bin?

In my mind I can clearly separate mothering duties and necessary household chores from pure skivvying duties, problem is dh doesn't always agree with me! And there are times when HE feels he is the dogsbody, not me!

As clucks says, you can still feel a general dogsbody even if you are working outside the home.

I keep reminding my oldest ds I am not his servant - more of the 'general' of the house, less of the 'dogsbody'

One reason I have not been on mumsnet much recently is because I am getting the house ready for the inlaws christmas visit. Any time spent on the internet gets me in trouble with dh - not that this stops me

But today I am off and away - I have an unexpected job interview and guess who is doing the SAHM bit? My dh!

droile - why do you assume that the wife buys all the presents?? Our ground rules are - I buy my family, he buys his. I send cards to my friends, he sends them to his, and we split the 'joint' ones. If he doesn't keep in touch with his friends, that's his problem. Even my parents do the same with cards so I don't think its just a 'new man' thing! Why assume men are incapable? Just gives them a great excuse not to do anything....

I do ALL the Christmas shopping, card writing and sending, present wrapping etc etc. I also do all the birthdays, otherwise no-one in dh's family would even get a card, let alone a present! I don't mind with birthdays, as they spread themselves out over the year, but I do get a bit P*SSED off at Christmas.

I'm thinking of buying myself a present out of the joint account to say thank you from dh to me for doing it all! Diamond ring? Chanel make up? Weekend in health farm? All ideas appreciated!

No advice Generaldogsbody, sorry. I am in the same boat. Dh thinks that being a SAHM means that you do it 7 days a week, and that the chores I do in the evening compensate for the fact that I spend all day playing with ds, and even get an hour to read whilst he is having his nap! Lucky old me hey!

as has been said, if you carry on doing it they will let you. no one gets birthday cards in our family. i forget and he cant be arsed and they just know they dont get birthday cards, so my kids dont get them either , which is fair! honestly life is too short to feel like a piece of poo, cos i have bin there, then there was a minor revolution in our house and i havent used the washing machine since! i also agree with the comments about the xmas dinner - dont make things harder for yourself, we dont buy special xmas shopping. in fact if i can avoid doing the shopping at all i will, as DH cant drive sometimes i drop him off at the supermarket with the kids. go home watch telly for an hour and pick them up.

just wanted to say - remember the people that really love you understand if they dont get pressies or cards. i am lucky to have family like that ( mine not his) and a couple of special freinds who know that if they dont get a card its because i am scatty not becuase i have had a sudden mood. and i think the people that truly love you and ur family matter most anyway so bum to the rest

elliot, I made that assumption because she calls herself dogsbody, so it must be that kind of house. I, unfortunately, do not know one single man who does any present buying or card writing. Needless to say, it's not a state of affairs I approve of, but one that I haven't managed to change, yet. Whatch this space!

elliot, just read more of your post.
Unfortunately, his friends have become mine- we socialise together and I like them. To avoid embarrassment I have, therefore, done their cards. I leave out anyone of his I either don't know or don't see often. I am considering doing none at all this year. A friend once told me that she sent no cards, ever, and I hadn't even noticed. It will take courage, though.

I think it will reflect on me if I send none of his family / our friends a card. I once commented to a friend that we are all a bunch of silly women sending each other cards each year. Sent by women, to women, that's about the size of it. We've received loads of cards this week, some with nice letters in, and I don't feel like answering a single one. How do I get out of it without hurting anyone?
Actually, I missed a couple of people out last year by accident and they phoned a couple of months later wondering if something had happened to us! I don't have enough of them on email to send a collective no more cards message, and I'm not famous so can't take out an ad in the papers .............. oh b**ger. And bah humbug.

tigermoth, agreed with every word of your post (have you been to our house???) and best of luck with the interview!

Droile - I have a dh who does present buying/card writing.
In fact, when I think about it, the reason I was able to say about not being a full time housewife is that I have a dh whi I know will take things on if need be.
We have decided that this year I will do the cards while he does end of year accounts/Annual report/other admin that desperately needs doing for the practice, as that way there are a couple of benefits. We got to sit together and work, drinking wine and listening to music, which is nice. The people who get the cards can read them (he is a typical doctor, his writing is atrocious!). and things that he needs to do will get done because I am doing something at the same time!
I am really lucky though -even though I do all the ironing it is years since I leaned out any pet. Although I end up cleaning the bathroom, I dont remember the last time I did more than a very basic hoover of obvious mess.
You have to compromise. I suppose the problems coem when you have a bloke who just wont.

Generaldogsbody, aren't there a lot of us about...and just like sobernow, for once it doesn't make you feel more cheerful about your lot in life.
My dh's total contribution to organising what is not going to be an easy Christmas for us this year has been to sabotage the trip to Edinburgh to see old friends that I was relying on to get me through the rest of it. Not 100% his fault in that stuff has been scheduled for 2/3 Jan that is beyond his control, but he had also forgotten to book the leave. I was so gutted that for once it was not me on the phone explaining, apologising and making light, but I made him do it. And sat and watched him squirm. Then I made him ring my parents and explain our revised plans to them as well. Unfortunately this backfired, because I had a call at 8.20 from my mother this morning to tell me off for nagging him when his job is vital to our family stability. She seems to have forgotten that I work full-time outside the home also - and that I bring in 50% of our princely public sector joint income.
Never mind, I feel a lot better after an afternoon of sending him up and down the loft ladder to store/retrieve baby stuff/Christmas decorations.
I think it's cyberhugs all round and a giant glass of mulled wine on this thread.
And, Tigermoth, please tell us how the job interview went. Perhaps we can all upgrade to champagne?

O.K., I'll come clean, Generaldosbody was my temporary alias. Changed it, as dh knows this name and the way I was feeling I just needed my own ranting space that I could do safely, without another bickery argument. Thanks for all the responses. I agree with most of what's been said, particularly Sobernow and Tigermoth. I too get wound up something chronic for being criticised for things I never said i was any good at! And, yes dh does feel HE is hard done by, when really he has it very cushy. Having said all of this, things have improved,he went on a 6hr drive (for work!) and must've done some thinking, as he cooked dinner today without being asked/sulking/or asking me what to do all the time. I know it's only a small thong but I think there's been a shift in attitude somewhere.

Take your point Elliot, I'm not a martyr on the whole! Just when it all gets too much, and that's when Mumsnet comes in,a safe place to wallow and whinge. Thanks again everyone.....

batey, wasn't trying to get at you, I know people ranting on here want support primarily - I suppose I just get a bit frustrated that so many women still end up 'servicing' the family and feeling (being!) put upon. Hope things continue to improve and that you have the energy to keep chipping away at it...

Elliot-wasn't feeling got at, honest!

Sobernow,would love to, for me to be dd-free it would have to be Mon/Tues am., and before 3pm ish (school pick-up). Will keep checking my e-mails...