Rant Alert!

[generaldogsbody]

Excuse me whilst I ramble, have spent recent few days bickering with dh and feel frustrated,annoyed,crap,stupid,pissed off,bewildered etc. And just need to let off steam before I combust. I won't go into the pettiness of our discussions, needless to say they have left me confused. I know deep down I am a strong intelligent woman, but on a daily basis feel worthless and just a "general dogsbody" who's good for nothing but skivvying! I know being a SAHM is valid and precious but start to doubt myself and think maybe if I got a job I'd feel better. I know I need a break but also know I wont get one without an argument,and I'm really getting tired of that. I'm beginning to dread all the work Xmas will be, when normally I love it. I know I probably have low self esteem, which also makes me mad at myself as I know my potential (pre-kids had good job), but I think I dont believe it anymore. Not expecting any answers, just need to off load. Changed name just in case.

Message withdrawn

Sorry to bring this thread up again, but I just need to have a bloody good rant and let off steam!
My sister (the one who's pregnant, has 3 other kids, one with Downs Syndrome) phoned me today to have a general moan, I felt bad anyway and she just made me feel worse. Everything she said was negative, nothing I could say would make her feel better and she made me feel shit for having an easier time than her. For example, at least I have a m-i-l who babysits, at least I have friends to go out with, at least I'm not in debt, at least I don't have a son with Downs, etc, etc. She also told me that when she goes into labour our mum has told her that she will not look after her 3 children for her, that her dh will have to miss the birth to look after them himself. I knew that already and yes it is pretty cruel of my mum, but there you go. As a family we've said that we wouldn't let her go into by herself.

Now mum has phoned everyone to say that she has agreed to foster a little boy with behavioural problems, he arrives on Friday. It's not been 6 months since her last foster charge left. I just think it is such shit timing. She has 2 new grandchildren on the way, both me and my sister could do with a bit of help, yet now she has the perfect excuse not to help us. She's been saying all along that she would foster before Christmas but none of us really believed her. I really feel that she has done it for the wrong reasons. My sister is a bit demanding, and she does expect rather a lot from my mum. But if you went into labour you'd expect some help from your mum wouldn't you?

I feel so angry for my sister, angry for me too as my mum hardly sees my own dd. Last time I made the effort to go on the train to see her, I offered to walk from my other sister's to see my mum but she said no, she'd come to me. She dropped in for 2 mins to say hello and that was it! So my own daughter hardly knows my mum, yet she is willing to do all of this for strangers' children. Am I being selfish in thinking this way? I'm just fed up of it all! This pregnancy has not been at all easy, I've had no help from my mum and when you're having a bad day anyway, the last thing you need is a big guilt trip telephone call from your sister and then the news that your mum is looking after someone else's child and so couldn't help you out even if you needed her. I wish I could run away from them all!

Sorry you're having such a crap time, rhubarb. It does sound like your mum is making an issue out of 'not being available to help'. Sounds a bit like my mum. No advice really, except that perhaps you need to unplug your phone for a while and leave them all to stew!

Awww Rhubarb (((hugs))). What is it with families? I don't know what to say to make you feel better, but you're not alone.

Thanks guys. The phone has been ringing all night, I was warned that it would be my mum ringing to tell me about this boy so I've not been answering as I'll only lose my temper. In a way, my sister should be the one telling her all of this as it affects her more, and she moans about it more! But instead she just tells us about it, gets us all worked up on her behalf and then when we say something we have to take all the flak! I hate confrontations, but when she does finally tell me about this boy, what am I supposed to say? Well done? I simply can't keep my feelings to myself, so as usual I'll be the bad one that upsets my mum, I'll feel bad (which is just what I need right now!) and so the last few weeks of this pregnancy will be tainted by bloody family yet again! They never lift a finger to help me, so why oh why do they feel they can just swan in and screw my life up just that little bit more?
Ok, I could have nothing to do with it. But when your sister is on the phone to you, clearly upset, you feel upset on her behalf. And I know my mum doesn't care much about my pregnancy either otherwise she'd be offering to help me out more. So it does affect me and it would be worse if I kept all these feelings cooped up. I'm just going to have them going around in my head all night now! Hello insomnia!

Rhubarb, your sister's problems are NOT your problems. The problems between your sister and your mum are NOT your problems. Your mum clearly gets a lot out of fostering and a child does too. I'm sad that it's at the expense of your dd, seemingly, but it's not a terrible thing she is doing in the great scheme of things. My mum is very busy with her work and I sometimes resent that she can't commit to a regular amount of looking after ds, but she can't (though she does see him a lot, admittedly). You have enough problems of your own (temporary ones I hope and believe!) so you simply must not let yourself take on others. You CAN decide not to get worked up by your sister's problems (difficult though, I know) and sympathise without it making your life unhappy. Remember, breathe in and out slowly, try to empty your mind - think of a blue sky with white fluffy clouds floating by out of sight and those are your problems, just drifting away - look at them, watch them go by, but don't engage in them. This was something I was taught in yoga once and I thought it was great and it worked for me. Have a camomile tea and go to bed!

Soon all your hormonal turmoil will be over - and you'll just have the sleepless nights to contend with

Aloha - you really are the voice of wisdom! Though I'm not so sure about the camomile tea, I wish I had some wine instead. Maybe if I got a glass of water and prayed......???
I will take your advice, I'll read a book before I go to bed to take my mind off things. Thank you!
When I see you in March I'll buy you a drink!

Rhubarb, just wanted to sympathise and send you some zen like calm. Not long to go now before at least the pregnancy is over. Hugsx

Rhubarb, your sister's problems are not your fault - presumably she chose to go on and have another child knowing her existing circumstances ? I also think it becomes increasingly difficult to arrange to have DH there for the birth of new children when you have already got some at home - it is often difficult to get anyone to babysit at the drop of a hat, and any time of day or night.

Your Mum maybe thinks you are all adults now and should be able to manage your lives without relying on her. Maybe she thinks she can make a bigger difference by fostering than by waiting to see if any of you would actually need her help.

Why not talk to your Mum and say you feel that your DD doesn't get to see her as much as you would like.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy is less stressful - take the phone off the hook !

Does your mum know how much you want and need her help? It sounds as if you are a little worried about asking in case it causes a row. Perhaps she thinks you are getting along just fine without her.

Thanks everyone. I did speak to my mum eventually and said that perhaps her timing was a bit crap. I don't have anything against her fostering (apart from the fact that as kids we got pushed aside for the 'other kids', it's her job and all that, but I do think she could have waited until after Christmas. After all she has 2 daughters due to give birth within a week of each other very soon and she could well be needed, but now she has this little boy she will be very limited in the help that she can give. And, knowing my mum as well as I do, I do still think that she deliberately asked for a foster child before Christmas so that she would have the perfect excuse not to help.
I don't really need her help thankfully, when I left home I made sure that I was self-sufficient and only once have I ever asked her to do something for me. But my sister is very reliant on family, having no in-laws to turn to, and I do feel sorry for her when mum makes comments such as "you don't need your husband to be there when you go into labour, I never had anyone with me when I gave birth!" It's a bit mean and I can see why my sister is so upset.
So I did outline my feelings to my mum, but in a humourous way as she had all her defences up. She actually said she would "tear herself in two for her children" which is laughable as that's the one thing she would never do! She has never been there for me when I have really needed her, why is why I don't call on her for help anymore, and she has not been there for my other two sisters' either. But I made my point and so the conversation ended amicably.

I think I will take Aloha's advice though, these are not my problems and I shouldn't be dragged into them. It's not fair for my sister to be phoning me and laying all her problems onto me. She spoke to me again today and even though I have said that I will stay overnight with her children if she goes into labour, as has my other sister and my brother, she told me that she's told her HV and MW that 'her family' will not help her when she goes into labour, so the HV is actually suggesting inducement so she can plan the arrival! So when I do offer help, it's just thrown back in my face! My family are very complicated, but my mum and my eldest sister take the biscuit when it comes to selfishness, paranoia, negativity and self-absorbsion. I do think that both of them demonstrate characteristics of Munchausen's (can't spell it!).

I have never once phoned them to complain about my depression, they know about it, but they haven't shown much concern about me. I haven't troubled them with my worries at all, so I'll be damned if I'm going to let them dump all their problems onto me. It's their problem and they can bloody well sort it out amongst themselves. I've offered my help and if I'm not taken up on it then so be it. I can't even remember the last time either of them offered me any help!

So I've instructed dh to answer the telephone in the evenings and to tell them that I'm busy. If they do manage to get hold of me, I'll always be just going out! I have 3 weeks to go before the due date and I want to remain as calm as possible. I'm crapping myself over the birth as it is! But everything is now prepared and if I go into labour after the weekend, then it will be classed as term. I am being over-sensitive these days and I just can't wait to get back to normal!

Don't know how that winky got in there!

Some people are just funny, aren't they? You mum sounds like one of them sadly. But you sound like you know and understand her really well, probably better than she understands herself. Sounds like she loves to be needed, but only on her terms. Don't let it bring you down. You are so nearly there. Camomile tea with honey is really quite nice, but I'm sure a glass of water and a good pray could well have the same effect - if not even better - for you. Take good care of yourself and thanks for the offer - I'll take you up on it!

You certainly know what I'm trying to say in my messages Aloha! But a good pray??????? Are you sure? Shall I use my glow in the dark rosary beads!
Actually I do have some chocolate with me tonight and a glass of red wine as dh is out at some house-warming party. I've told him to sleep on the sofa when he comes home as he always smells after he's been out, so the bed is mine tonight!
I might go down and put some nice music on, take the phone off the hook and roll around on my birthing ball!