Rant Alert!

[generaldogsbody]

Excuse me whilst I ramble, have spent recent few days bickering with dh and feel frustrated,annoyed,crap,stupid,pissed off,bewildered etc. And just need to let off steam before I combust. I won't go into the pettiness of our discussions, needless to say they have left me confused. I know deep down I am a strong intelligent woman, but on a daily basis feel worthless and just a "general dogsbody" who's good for nothing but skivvying! I know being a SAHM is valid and precious but start to doubt myself and think maybe if I got a job I'd feel better. I know I need a break but also know I wont get one without an argument,and I'm really getting tired of that. I'm beginning to dread all the work Xmas will be, when normally I love it. I know I probably have low self esteem, which also makes me mad at myself as I know my potential (pre-kids had good job), but I think I dont believe it anymore. Not expecting any answers, just need to off load. Changed name just in case.

Aw Rosy! That took me by surprise a bit! You'd better all stop it now or my head won't fit into this discussion forum anymore! Thank you Rosy

On the fat issue, my dh has been asked if I am pregnant before now. When I was on the pill, my stomach swelled and I know dh got worried that I was pregnant (he knew it couldn't be him either as I was making him wait like a good girl! ). The other time was on our honeymoon when I wasn't eating properly as we were backpacking, but I drinking an awful lot and this bloke we met asked dh if I was expecting! I tend to shrug those assumptions off though as I can see why they might think that. I am a skinny arse, so when I do put on a bit of weight it tends to go straight to my tummy. When I was 3 months pregnant I looked like I was 4 months. Fatness on someone like me does look ludicrously silly, and I did get some horrible comments when I was pregnant. It just goes to show that no matter what shape or size you are, there are some inconsiderate pigs out there who will find something about you to comment on. I usually comfort myself with the thought that their brains musn't be in very good shape then.

My friend ( 6 years older than me) was mistaken for my mum once! V embarrassing it was.

Just need to let off a bit of steam here! As many of you know, I am now 12 weeks pregnant. I had a very hard time last pregnancy and so am very nervous and mixed-up about this one. Also family did not help much at all last time, my eldest sister (who was told that she couldn't have kids and so has adopted two) had a miscarriage just weeks before I found out I was pregnant for the first time, which put a huge amount of pressure and guilt upon me. It was like I was expected to be grateful that I could have kids, and how dare I be unhappy about it all! I was also made to feel very guilty, as if I had done it on purpose to make my sister feel unhappy!

Since then I went on to have a lovely dd, and my sister did fall pregnant again and had a lovely ds who suffers from Downs. On Weds last my mum phoned me and told me my eldest sister was pregnant again, at 41 years old, exactly the same stage I am at! I told my mum that I was too and her reaction was "Oh God, what about your poor sister!" she didn't ask me once how I was coping, no congrats, nothing. Now I know my sister will be worried about having another baby with Downs, and the chances are quite high. So can you imagine how I will be made to feel if her baby does have Downs and mine is healthy? She will also be devastated just because I have dared to be pregnant at the same time as her, because she craves all the attention. Every time a family member has gotten pregnant it has been a big disaster for her, she has never been happy for us.

My mother hasn't been in touch with me since, no call to see if I'm ok, and she knows how bad it was last time. She never calls in to see us, she doesn't know how dd is doing, she doesn't know what I've been up to. She didn't come for dd's birthday last year and won't be coming this year as she's away. So I really don't know when I will be seeing her next. I really am fed up with it all. Everything is one big crisis after another, nobody is ever happy! I am fed up of walking on eggshells, fed up of having my problems blown up into big family crises, fed up of feeling that everything is my fault, and fed up of getting no support whatsoever from ungrateful family members who think it's ok to make me feel like crap and then accuse me of not beng sympathetic to them and not caring!

I want to scream and rant and rave and I want to tell them all what I really think of them. But above all I just want a bit of support from my mum, and it hurts knowing that it is not there.

Oh Rhubarb - I'm sorry. My mum can be really insensitive too - she takes the line that I'm not her problem, and I don't believe she even knows when my baby is due. In her case it's because she lives a long way away, and I think we just go out of her mind, and also she worries more about my brother. But I want her to take more interest in what I'm doing.

Why don't you be straight with her - tell her how you're feeling, and tell her that you would be really hurt if this pregnancy was held against you. You being pregnant doesn't affect your sister's situation at all.

I was pregnant with DD2 (she wasn't planned) and had kept it quiet. I then found out that my aunt (whos 2 years younger than me) was also pregnant. after my scan the doctors changed the due date and we found out that we were both due on the same day. I knew that I wouldn't carry to term and had a horrible time. When she found out she told my sis that I was p*ssing on her fireworks!!!!! And when I gave birth 7 weeks early to DD2 weighing 3lb 8oz, she phoned up the hospitla asking me to phone her....when I did she called me a bitch for giving birth early (like I planned it ) She wanted all the families attention and I screwed that up for her. We have a large family (40 grandchildren at the last count, and about 12 greatgrand kids) I hated it and can't believe your mums reaction/

Oh Musica, thanks for your reply. I have told her, in the past, time and time again. If we do have one of those conversations she will relay her account to the rest of the family and will be ill for the next couple of days, inferring that it is me who has made her ill. Plus whatever I say goes in one ear and out of the other. In her eyes, we are all ungrateful, expect too much of her and are the sole cause of her depression. My eldest sister (I shall call her S) is just like her. She wanted to be the one to have the first grandchild as the first is always the favourite, but my brother had the first which upset her. Then she wanted to have the first boy, but my other sister beat her to it, which upset her again. Then when she found out she couldn't have kids, every pregnancy was a nightmare, telling S would be like telling someone the world had ended. There could never be a happy pregnancy without S being upset about it all. When I found out it was even worse as she had a miscarriage just a few weeks before. Then her son was born, and instead of that being a happy occasion, it was sad as everyone thought (including S) how awful, a baby with Downs! We were then made to feel incredibly guilty for having healthy children! Don't get me wrong, I do love her dearly and she has had life tough. But we have tried to help, tried to support her, but she tells her Health Visitor and Social Workers that we don't support her and don't care. When her son was in hospital we all visited her, we took care of her other two children for her, but she only sees what we don't do. My mum could be more supportive, to us all, but she isn't. Then we get made to feel guilty for having good relations with our in-laws whilst she has a nightmare with hers. She is forever comparing her situations to ours.

I just hate all this moroseness, feeling guilty for being pregnant, knowing that everyone else sees my news as bad news because of the way S will take it. I only live an hour away, yet my mum never finds time to visit. I used to travel on the train all the time, even when I was pregnant, to help her look after my gran whilst she was dying, and then to visit with my baby. I used to phone every week. Now I don't do that, and the phone never rings and they never visit. I am very close to my other sister and I thank God for that. She feels exactly the same, her husband was in hospital for a long time last year and she was left to cope with 4 young children on her own, even though my mum lives only a few streets away. I am so angry with it all and so despairing. I know this sounds awful, but I sometimes wish I was adopted because I don't want my mum to be my mum anymore.

Sorry for ranting so much, but it does help.

Sorry miaow, I posted before reading your reply. You will know what I am going through then I guess. I am sorry for what your aunt has put you through, why are people so nasty when you need them most? Hope you are ok now.

Rhubarb, I am so sorry your mother and sister have been so unspeakable to you before, and now about this pregnancy as well. My mother has been pretty insensitive about my third pregnancy (she was actually pretty horrid about Tom before we lost him, come to that) so I have a little inkling of how you might be feeling.
I find it almost impossible to talk coherently about my relationship with my mum (unlike you...I never read a more honest and reasonable "rant"!) but have found counselling is helping me come to terms with why she won't offer support or say anything kind and sympathetic. Do you think there is any chance of getting a GP referral? It is helping me cope much better with a high-stress pregnancy than I would be otherwise, I think.
I don't know why they do this to us. I wish there was something else that I could say to help but I really feel for you right now. You don't deserve this.

Rhubarb, Marina's right, yours is a very reasonable rant. I'm sorry too that your mother is being so horrible and as for your sister, she sounds like a nightmare. I have no constructive advice since I really don't know how I'd cope with this but I do know I wouldn't find it easy. Marina, I read about your bad conversation with your mother on the other thread and here seems the place to say I wish yours was being nicer too. Deep breaths, counting to 100 and happy vibes coming through the airwaves to both of you.

Rhubarb- your family are being very unreasonable. I know a bit how you feel. As you know I have 2 children - the eldest being autistic. SIL is having trouble ttc. She is fine and loves her nephews dearly, but MIL- agghhhh. All the time I hear how SIL would love to swap wth me, how difficult everything is for SIL, how she'd give anything to have my 2 boys etc etc. I recognise that ttc must be really hard (I've seen friends go through it), but there is never any recognition that we have an autistic child. If we try to talk about difficulties I just get accused of being too negative and that I'm seeing problems that aren't there. Hmmmm. It does make me mad that I'm not even allowed to moan about difficulties we have because of DS1's autism. (Most of the moaning is to do with schools,or not being able to go out easily) I don't see it as relevant to SIL's probems in the same way that if SIL went onto have totally healthy "normal" kids I won't feel anyway resentful. Why would I? It's not relevant!

I tend to just keep out of it (IL's so easier than if it was my family). We are pondering whether or not to go for a third, and I just dread to think what the reaction would be.

I tend to find that my MIL gets quite competitive about problems. So if someone I knew was having money problems, someone in her family would be having worse ones. My grandmother has been bedridden for 2 years, so her parents are always worse (except they're not). Dh is working long hours, but FIL is working longer. I can't really be bothered with it ans tend to just switch off and bite my tongue until it bleeds.

Mieow- your aunt sounds barking! Why on earth would you want to have a baby early? I've written about this before- can't remember where on the autism/AS thread in behaviour I think. There is a certian breed of person who seem to want to have a hrd time to get more attention. It's really very strange.

mieow - !!!!!! Speechless!

I remember telling her that my baby looked like a skinned rabbit, was on o2 and was being tubefed, and to hold on to her baby..... She doesn't live near me and my other aunt informed me that she was trying to be induced from about 28 weeks, she kept going to the hospital with silly problems. I was kept in from 27-30 weeks and was allow out on the condition that I was checked 3 times a week, I was scanned once a week and eventually went into labour at Great Ormond Street hospital, a day after the hospital had ok'd me to go to the appointment with my son. I rushed home and had her 12 hours later.
And my aunt 'WANTED' all that!!!!!!!!!

Rhubarb, just picked up on the thread. Sorry to hear that life's fairly shi..y,but Congratulations on the baby news! How are you feeling-no morning sickness? Whatever is going on in your life, remember that people like me will pick up on your news and think about you! Families can be tough, but if you count up all the friends you have don't let anyone put you down. From previous threads I've read, you sound like a sensible (ranting!) person and I wish you all the happiness you deserve!

Rhubarb and Mieow, so sorry your families are being so horrible to you. I hope your pregnancies are going well and think about you both. Keep posting if it helps. {{{{hugs{}}}}}

Message withdrawn

Oh no I'm not pregnant This happened to me about 2 years ago. DD2 is my last baby and she is 20 months old now......

Oh yeah sorry, stupid of me, and I read your posts too...

Thats ok, I want NO more babies at the moment but hubby wants one.......... NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rhubarb I am in a similar situation as yourself so I know a bit about how you are feeling. From your posting it sounds like you have the same mum and sis that I have.
When sis was pg with her 1st child my parents broke open the champers, I found out I was pg with my 4th child a couple of days later only to be told what a d*head I was. This and other examples have blighted me throughout my life. Dont get me wrong my parents have been there in real emergencies but not in the same context as what my sis gets.
For example when her husband left her with 2 small children, parents were there understandably (sp?) to comfort her, babysit, shopping etc. Yet when I split up with ex (I had 4 kids at time) I got nothing of the sort. I was left to cope on my own.Like yourself I am fed up with the whole lot. I mean I am not a bad person, I have been very loyal to my parents, I have been there at the drop of a hat so why do I get treated like this. The answer is I do not know, I have confronted and asked but all I get is rejected even more because I have questioned their decisions!!!!!!Life hurts and some of us get it better than others.
The most important thing you have to do is to concentrate on your OWN family of your dh/dp and your children. They are your future and what your life is all about.
P.S Congratulations on your pg

PPS Mieow sorry but your aunt sounds like a nutcase!!!!!!!!!!

families eh rhuby, cant live with 'em so move 300 miles away (like meeee!) - next door to me - i work for a Housing association - am willin to pull strings!!
miss you!

Mieow, just read your post about your aunt's attitude with horror. Agree with the others that she must be completely mad, what a horrible experience for you.
Rhubarb, how are you today? I thought October's posting about how counselling can help one cope with behaviour like your mum's was a very accurate one.

Rhubarb and Miaow good luck . How horrible not to be able to get the love and support that you need when you need it. Mum's and Dad's don't seem to get it right very often . Do you think they're onto a loser or do they just become 'hideously insensitive' as they get older and you grow up ? I wish I knew

Rhubarb Congratations BTW!!!!!!!

Thanks everyone. Just so you know I have asked Tech to delete my earlier two posts as they make my family easily identifiable, and S does know about Mumsnet. It was stupid of me to post so many details about them, but there you go, I was ranting!

October you are right about not changing people, I have accepted this to a certain degree, but there are times in my life when it still hurts and always will. When my mother misses 2 of dd's birthdays that hurts, when she spends 1/2 hour on the phone to me about her life without asking how I am hurts. I did speak to her yesterday and she said how upset she was that 2 of her daughters are pregnant and unhappy about it. SHE's upset!!

But I will try to let everything go over my head. I don't live close so I can just put the phone down and try to forget about them. I have a lovely husband, a beautiful and bright dd, a roof over my head, a lovely m-i-l who babysits, and friends. I should count my blessings really.

Miaow I do empathise with everything you've said. S wants to be induced early too, no reason for it, she just does!! Attention craving I presume.

Doormat, remember that you are special and keep telling yourself this over and over. What your family do is more of a reflection of them, and I believe in karma, you get back what you give. When I look at my family's lives, I am glad to be me.

See, I do feel calmer today. Just every now and then something happens or something is said that brings all the hurt back to the surface. One day I will write a book about all of this, I believe that will be good therapy. It will also shut them up nicely!