Page 7 | Partner moved himself in WITHOUT my say so

Girlgamer · 2024-07-29T13:43:33+00:00

So my partner moved himself in last night… he literally walked in with his bags packed and said he’s moving in. Made himself at home. I was shocked, because we’d not had the conversation yet about him moving in. He just invited himself in. He used to live at his parents. He’s moved into my own house/mortgaged and said he is happy to split the bills and pay his way. What do I do? Because I’m not sure I feel ready for him to move in, and I’m shocked that he’s just come on his own, saying it is a “surprise” for me…

LookItsMeAgain · 29/07/2024 15:53

You need to say "I'm pleased you haven't unpacked because you can't stay with me, so you'll need to find somewhere else to stay. It's far too early in our relationship for you to assume I'd want to be living with you so I need you to leave now." and speak firmly to him so that he understands there is zero wiggle room for you to change your mind.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/07/2024 15:53

pinkdelight · 29/07/2024 15:05

This is terrible - that he's not only moved himself, but put you in a position of fear like it's make or break if you don't suck it up! That's absolutely not the way for any relationship to run. There needs to be communication, not one person upping the ante massively and selfishly so the pressure is on the other to put up with it or it's over. Just no. Push that fear aside and dial things right back down. It's your home. This is not how couples decide to move in together. By doing this, he's demonstrated he's not ready for a mature relationship living together, and you both need to go back to how things were before this came out of the blue. There is absolutely no reason for you to be fearful and put up with this. Stand your ground or you won't have any ground left.

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This summed it up beautifully - " Stand your ground or you won't have any ground left."

Also. If you do say no and he turns around and says "In that case, we are over" you will know you've made the right decision because that would be as clear as crystal that he's more into your nice house than you.

Just be aware that if you weaken ... the longer he stays under these circumstances, the harder it will be to get rid.

He needs to be an invited house sharer, not a house invader.

Lacdulancelot · 29/07/2024 15:53

Girlgamer · 29/07/2024 14:58

Thanks all, I was really shocked and quite disappointed how he just showed up out the blue with his stuff. I haven’t asked him to move back yet cos I’m just a bit taken back and a bit worried asking him to leave will end the relationship. But I’m really unsure if I even want him here, I like my own space. He’s currently at work so I have time to think about what I’ll say to him when he’s back.

Pack his bags.
Surprise! You are not moving in.

StickItInTheFamilyAlbum · 29/07/2024 15:54

OP, this isn't even testing your boundaries, it's behaving as if you have none.

Please let him know that you expect him to move out this evening. He should alert his parents/whoever, but where he stays tonight is not your problem.

You'd be wise to have someone with you tonight while he gathers his belongings and departs.

outdamnedspots · 29/07/2024 15:55

Bloody hell, what a cheeky fucker.

I'd ask him to move right out again. Say you're not ready for this, you don't want to live with him, and you do expect a discussion before anything like this, not for him to steamroller over what you want.

Has he been like this before?!

Shan5474 · 29/07/2024 15:57

Others might disagree but if he is over 30 and can fit everything he owns into a few bags then I’d throw him back. Who do you think will be doing the hoovering, mopping, cooking, Christmas decorations etc.… his next victim because oh dear he doesn’t own any useful adult stuff 🤷‍♀️

pinkyredrose · 29/07/2024 15:57

Girlgamer · 29/07/2024 14:58

Thanks all, I was really shocked and quite disappointed how he just showed up out the blue with his stuff. I haven’t asked him to move back yet cos I’m just a bit taken back and a bit worried asking him to leave will end the relationship. But I’m really unsure if I even want him here, I like my own space. He’s currently at work so I have time to think about what I’ll say to him when he’s back.

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't respect you? The only thing you need to have ready when he comes back are his packed bags. Hope he doesn't have a key. Do you have children?

KreedKafer · 29/07/2024 15:58

Girlgamer · 29/07/2024 14:58

Thanks all, I was really shocked and quite disappointed how he just showed up out the blue with his stuff. I haven’t asked him to move back yet cos I’m just a bit taken back and a bit worried asking him to leave will end the relationship. But I’m really unsure if I even want him here, I like my own space. He’s currently at work so I have time to think about what I’ll say to him when he’s back.

I’m just a bit taken back and a bit worried asking him to leave will end the relationship

To be honest, a relationship where someone turns up at your house with their stuff and announces they're moving in without even having a discussion, let alone your permission, is not a remotely healthy relationship anyway. Why would you want to be with a man who literally takes over your home against your will?

Seriously, how fucking dare he?! It's insane behaviour on his part. It's YOUR home and he thinks he can just do what he wants with it. What a prick.

LBFseBrom · 29/07/2024 16:01

Girlgamer · 29/07/2024 14:58

Thanks all, I was really shocked and quite disappointed how he just showed up out the blue with his stuff. I haven’t asked him to move back yet cos I’m just a bit taken back and a bit worried asking him to leave will end the relationship. But I’m really unsure if I even want him here, I like my own space. He’s currently at work so I have time to think about what I’ll say to him when he’s back.

You have to tell him, Girlgamer. He was so high-handed assuming you would house him, anyone can see that is wrong.

If it ends the relationship, so be it. You can do better than an arrogant twat,

Please don't be timid, have his bags packed for when he comes home. You could phone his parents and ask what is going on, maybe he had a row with them but it's still not right.

Good luck. We are all rooting for you.

meganorks · 29/07/2024 16:02

My first thought if I guy did this would be wondering how interested he is in me specifically vs the fact that I have my own place. Because the fact that he has just moved himself in with no discusion makes it seem like he actually doesn't care about your opinion at all, he just needs somewhere to move to.

I would definitely kick him back out again. But I would probably ditch him altogether.

StrawberriesandCreamTea · 29/07/2024 16:02

Lacdulancelot · 29/07/2024 15:53

Pack his bags.
Surprise! You are not moving in.

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This.

Snazzysausage · 29/07/2024 16:03

"Hey Jim, I've got a big surprise for you too,your stuff is packed and in the hallway ready to take back to your parents!"
I'd message that now so he doesn't collect another load of stuff on his way home tonight. Unfortunately for you I think a break up is inevitable,he'll be wanting to look around for another place he can work towards muscling his way into. However I hope I'm wrong,he accepts he's been daft to just turn up like that and you can sort it out.

CeruleanDive · 29/07/2024 16:03

Girlgamer · 29/07/2024 14:58

Thanks all, I was really shocked and quite disappointed how he just showed up out the blue with his stuff. I haven’t asked him to move back yet cos I’m just a bit taken back and a bit worried asking him to leave will end the relationship. But I’m really unsure if I even want him here, I like my own space. He’s currently at work so I have time to think about what I’ll say to him when he’s back.

I think most people would say that his behaviour is a relationship-ender.

Unless you want your future to be that he does whatever the fuck he wants and you try to deal with the fallout.

user1471538283 · 29/07/2024 16:04

Text him at work to say he needs to go tonight.

No one just moves themselves in like this!

MounjaroUser · 29/07/2024 16:04

What the hell?

Why would you want to continue the relationship, when he has knocked down all your boundaries in one fell swoop?

Put his things outside and send him a message five minutes before he leaves work to tell him to pick them up. Bloody cheeky bastard.

sodisappointed24 · 29/07/2024 16:05

CFuckery at its best. I wouldrepackage his belongings ready for him on his return from work. Don’t let him sweet talk you out of it. Cheeky bugger.

MounjaroUser · 29/07/2024 16:06

If he feels able to do that, OP, he clearly isn't a person you can have a conversation with. Do it by text so you can say exactly what you think. Don't even agree to letting him stay the night.

My bet is his parents have kicked him out.

Oh and btw, it's big of him to say he'd share bills. Bet he felt really proud of himself saying that.

polyvinyl · 29/07/2024 16:08

Right NOW is the testing point of your boundaries. If you try and "avoid conflict" or worry about "losing" this relationship you are ignoring your true self. And this will set the tone for the whole relationship.

Just moving in is not acceptable.
I would suggest you actually see what this relationship is truly based on by asking him to move out immediately. See what happens.

Or are you so desperate for acceptance/affection that you will accept someone who tramples your boundaries?

ScottBakula · 29/07/2024 16:09

As ALL9 of pp say ( a rare thing on mn ) boot him straight back out , don't let him stay the night tonight or it will be harder to get rid of him.
I don't think it matters how long you have been dating , even if it's years he can't just move in without discussing it at length with you.
You seem to imply he walked in ( rather than you let him in ) does that mean he has his own key ?
Take it off him AND change your locks .

ElliLovesDogs · 29/07/2024 16:11

How old is he btw?

AgnesX · 29/07/2024 16:11

I think you should have had this conversation last night and turned him round and marched him right out the door.

It's academic however, if this isn't what you want your relationship isn't likely to last - which it shouldn't as he's a presumtious CF who'll have you running around after him before you know what's hit you.

MounjaroUser · 29/07/2024 16:15

Even if you had previously begged him to come and live with you, he shouldn't have just brought his bags over like that without warning. It's completely unacceptable and if you do accept it (as you did last night) he knows he can do whatever he wants.

Take the warning, OP. This is not a romantic gesture - it's a trampling over your boundaries.

FOJN · 29/07/2024 16:15

Girlgamer · 29/07/2024 14:58

Thanks all, I was really shocked and quite disappointed how he just showed up out the blue with his stuff. I haven’t asked him to move back yet cos I’m just a bit taken back and a bit worried asking him to leave will end the relationship. But I’m really unsure if I even want him here, I like my own space. He’s currently at work so I have time to think about what I’ll say to him when he’s back.

I'd have been so shocked I think I'd have said what the fuck do you think you are doing.

Something has happened at his parents. NO ONE thinks you can just move yourself into someone else's house without discussion.

Why on earth are you worried that asking him to move out will end the relationship? If you were able to recognise his behaviour for what it is you'd pack his bags, leave them on the doorstep and tell him to fuck off and never come back. He's a piss taking, cheeky fucker, he needs to be removed from your life.

Don't waste time thinking about how to put it nicely or try to explain yourself, he'll only see that as an opening to a negotiation. "I don't want to live with you, pack your things and leave", is all you need to say to make your position crystal clear. Where he goes is not your concern, his housing is not your responsibility, don't engage with any discussion about this.

The fact you are asking for advice and are worried that not allowing him to move in will end the relationship says you have poor self esteem and no boundaries. You missed your opportunity last night to show him you aren't a push over but all is not lost, you can still do it today. It is your house, only a real cheeky fucker would think they could move in without discussion.

If you don't kick him straight back out I predict you'll be back here in a few months complaining that he does fuck all around the house, constantly criticises you and pays nothing.

Get rid of this would be cock lodger today, the end of this relationship is no loss. Your feelings and needs are not even on his radar why would you put up with that.

GiveMeThePurpleOne · 29/07/2024 16:15

I'd be chucking his bags out and leaving a sign on the door saying you are evicted please don't come back.
Absolutely break it off he sounds like a leech.. What kind of person just moves into someone's house with asking first??
Also he could have some weird plan to pay rent on the house then stake a claim on it.. Run far away.

diddl · 29/07/2024 16:17

If he's nowhere else to go or thinks that he'll be onto a good thing he won't end the relationship.

I think that you should though!

What a bloody cheeky assumption!