Page 28 | Partner moved himself in WITHOUT my say so

Girlgamer · 2024-07-29T13:43:33+00:00

So my partner moved himself in last night… he literally walked in with his bags packed and said he’s moving in. Made himself at home. I was shocked, because we’d not had the conversation yet about him moving in. He just invited himself in. He used to live at his parents. He’s moved into my own house/mortgaged and said he is happy to split the bills and pay his way. What do I do? Because I’m not sure I feel ready for him to move in, and I’m shocked that he’s just come on his own, saying it is a “surprise” for me…

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/07/2024 17:48

capstix · 29/07/2024 18:36

I respect your views but I've been around too long to suggest someone throws away a relationship because their ego is bruised. Love is hard to find. Even harder to keep.

So if some bloke moved himself into your house, you'd be ok with that? What the actual fuck are you talking about with bruised egos? Honestly, you need to take a long hard look at yourself. I hope you don't have daughters.

DumbassHamsterSitterPerson · 30/07/2024 17:48

persistentyes · 30/07/2024 15:58

all the posters who have given so much time to this

It’s either made up
or
of true… then the OP unfortunately is very very vulnerable to this type of person and will simply move on to the next one who will take the pee

Absolute rot. I had a relationship where he told me if he ever came to stay at my house (he hadn't for various reasons) that he was moving in there and then.

I've never had a relationship like that since.

Sure, OP might be more susceptible to this kind of relationship. Or she might (like me) realise her mistake and learn from it.

glowfrog · 30/07/2024 17:53

What an immature little man. I think you've dodged a bullet, tbh. Well done for sticking to your boundaries.

Vinomummyinlockdown · 30/07/2024 17:57

Cocklodger alert!!!

Odin2018 · 30/07/2024 18:00

Do not let him control you. That is just a total lack of respect. Believe in yourself, respect yourself. Pack up his things and put the bags outside and change the locks and tell him to go. Do not do this with him in the house/flat as he may twist it to say he will only stay a few days - this will turn into a week, a few weeks and so on. Don't start down this path. Be strong. Believe in yourself and your worth.

Pyewacketty · 30/07/2024 18:06

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/07/2024 17:48

So if some bloke moved himself into your house, you'd be ok with that? What the actual fuck are you talking about with bruised egos? Honestly, you need to take a long hard look at yourself. I hope you don't have daughters.

Show quote history

Absolutely agree. It is difficult to find love, but users are ten-a-penny.

Juststopamoment · 30/07/2024 18:08

I don’t know how old he is but I see him still
living with his parents a red flag. I’m talking from experience.

helpplease01 · 30/07/2024 18:11

You tell him Not to unpack his bags and move back to his parents house!!!
Fucking cheek! This is a red line! Time to dump him.

Pyewacketty · 30/07/2024 18:12

Juststopamoment · 30/07/2024 18:08

I don’t know how old he is but I see him still
living with his parents a red flag. I’m talking from experience.

I’m not sure I agree with you. There are lots of reasons why someone might be living with their parents, the big one being the cost of housing. It’s not unusual for someone to stay at home whilst saving, or to return home in the event of a relationship break up or job loss. OP knows whether this guy has a good reason or is simply a man baby. Admittedly his behaviour does suggest the latter!

OverheardInLidl · 30/07/2024 18:13

fleabites · 29/07/2024 18:50

Cocklodger by stealth.
This is typical hobosexual behaviour - fall in love with some woman with her own place. Then there's some kind of "accommodation emergency" which means he has to move in with his girlfriend - this is often something like a nasty landlord/fall out with nasty housemates/nasty parents want him out etc.
Once he has his feet under the table there will be some kind of "employment emergency" such as losing his job (obviously through no fault of his own)/being bullied at work by nasty workmates or manager/some kind of mental health crisis. He is then out of work and quite comfortable living at your expense and makes little to no effort to find a new job and screams "mental health" any time you make any noises about him contributing more either by taking on more of the household tasks while you work or by finding employment.

You see it a lot on here.
Just tell him to move back out. And so what if the "relationship" is over. You don't need this kind of aggravation.

OMG you just described almost to the letter an experience I had with a "boyfriend" in my early 20s. He could never hold a job down longer than 2 weeks (always some nasty colleagues who "conspired" and got him sacked, or a nasty manager blah blah blah) he could never keep accommodation (didn't pay the rent or got evicted due to bust ups with neighbours) eventually he ended up in a housing co op. He fell out with all the residents there, and how a lot of these housing co ops work, is that the residents have a meeting and discuss whether or not the problem resident should remain and why, then they have a vote. Around the time this was going on he kept trying to put pressure on me to let him move into my flat, which I didn't want - he spent enough time there freeloading off me as it was!! Anyhow, as you can imagine, the residents all voted that he should leave, because not only was he falling out with the other residents, they also decided he wasn't pulling his weight with the maintenance of the co op which was part of the agreement for cheap rent. Surprise surprise.
A stroke of luck had it, that my brother had to come and stay with me for a few weeks due to a genuine housing emergency he was having (ceiling collapsed) so I realised around this time I had to break things off. I had tried several times over the course of the "relationship" but he just wouldn't accept it and kept gaslighting me into taking him back. But the mere presence of my brother in the picture when I did eventually break things off was enough to make him realise that I meant it this time.

Sorry for the long winded reply, its just I know due to personal experience how these cocklodgers/freeloaders operate.

angela1952 · 30/07/2024 18:15

Harvestfestivalknickers · 29/07/2024 14:50

Do you think something has happened to cause this? How does he get on with his parents? Could they have asked him to move out? Whatever, it's NOT his decision to make. Pack his bags and tell him you haven't agreed to this. His response will tell you everything.

It sounds pretty likely to me that he's had a row with his parents. I had two sons in their 20's living with me at one stage and it wouldn't have taken much to tip me over the edge.
Now he doesn't know what to do, has probably burnt his bridges at home too.

JoyousPinkPeer · 30/07/2024 18:15

Juststopamoment · 30/07/2024 18:08

I don’t know how old he is but I see him still
living with his parents a red flag. I’m talking from experience.

My hubby was living with his parents when I met him. I looked a bit deeper than your red flag and found a wonderful person who I've been married to for 9 years. Never judge a book by its cover!

OverheardInLidl · 30/07/2024 18:17

persistentyes · 30/07/2024 15:58

all the posters who have given so much time to this

It’s either made up
or
of true… then the OP unfortunately is very very vulnerable to this type of person and will simply move on to the next one who will take the pee

I don't think it's made up at all. Unfortunately men like this do exist and it happens more often than you think. It's easy to sit back and say what you would or wouldn't accept, but when you're actually in the situation you don't always realise what's happening until one day something like this happens. These types don't like to let go either, they're highly manipulative.

If you've never come across anyone like this then I am genuinely pleased for you and I hope you never do.

Pyewacketty · 30/07/2024 18:19

OverheardInLidl · 30/07/2024 18:13

OMG you just described almost to the letter an experience I had with a "boyfriend" in my early 20s. He could never hold a job down longer than 2 weeks (always some nasty colleagues who "conspired" and got him sacked, or a nasty manager blah blah blah) he could never keep accommodation (didn't pay the rent or got evicted due to bust ups with neighbours) eventually he ended up in a housing co op. He fell out with all the residents there, and how a lot of these housing co ops work, is that the residents have a meeting and discuss whether or not the problem resident should remain and why, then they have a vote. Around the time this was going on he kept trying to put pressure on me to let him move into my flat, which I didn't want - he spent enough time there freeloading off me as it was!! Anyhow, as you can imagine, the residents all voted that he should leave, because not only was he falling out with the other residents, they also decided he wasn't pulling his weight with the maintenance of the co op which was part of the agreement for cheap rent. Surprise surprise.
A stroke of luck had it, that my brother had to come and stay with me for a few weeks due to a genuine housing emergency he was having (ceiling collapsed) so I realised around this time I had to break things off. I had tried several times over the course of the "relationship" but he just wouldn't accept it and kept gaslighting me into taking him back. But the mere presence of my brother in the picture when I did eventually break things off was enough to make him realise that I meant it this time.

Sorry for the long winded reply, its just I know due to personal experience how these cocklodgers/freeloaders operate.

Show quote history

You are so right. It can be difficult to get rid of someone like that, especially if you aren’t a naturally assertive personality. Men can be loud, manipulative and physically intimidating, so sometimes having back up in these situations is just good sense for one’s own safety. If OP is finding dealing with him difficult then absolutely get help from a friend or family member who can support her.

LaughingElderberry · 30/07/2024 18:19

JoyousPinkPeer · 30/07/2024 18:15

My hubby was living with his parents when I met him. I looked a bit deeper than your red flag and found a wonderful person who I've been married to for 9 years. Never judge a book by its cover!

Show quote history

Did your husband turn up on your doorstep one day, announce that he was moving into your house without any discussion, and then threaten to break up with you when you pointed out that he'd not even asked how you felt about it?

OverheardInLidl · 30/07/2024 18:21

JoyousPinkPeer · 30/07/2024 18:15

My hubby was living with his parents when I met him. I looked a bit deeper than your red flag and found a wonderful person who I've been married to for 9 years. Never judge a book by its cover!

Show quote history

I bet your hubby wasn't taking the absolute pee with his parents though, and was most likely contributing and pulling his weight around the house. I doubt that's the situation with OPs boyfriend though.

Alexaremovethenotifications · 30/07/2024 18:25

Yeah as with everyone else on the thread I’d tell him to pack his stuff up and leave. Don’t need to be nasty about it, but depending on your situation you may never want him to live with you.

Given this behaviour I certainly wouldn’t want him!

Itsmecathy87 · 30/07/2024 18:25

Wow so he even had gall to blackmail you into letting him stay???
I'm so glad you are standing your ground!
Do you feel safe at home? Can you stay somewhere else until locks are changed?

Serriadh · 30/07/2024 18:30

If you do want to try to continue this relationship (I certainly wouldn’t) then give him the fright of his life and tell him you’re also ready for the next step: full financial accountability. Him first! What does he earn, what does he earn, what debts does he have, what’s his credit store, how much do his parents subsidise him and will they continue when he moves out? Who’s paying for the financial advice/solicitor’s fees to sort out what happens with your house/mortgage (implications of him contributing, etc). How’re you going to split bills (your council tax will go up).

How have chores been handled when he’s lived with people before? (Some people like a rota, some people have regular jobs that are always their responsibility, etc.) Will you aim for equal downtime around other commitments (work, housework, life admin) or some other arrangement?

Think up a nice lot of questions and keep expressing delight that he wants to go through all of them with you, one by one, as he’s so keen and ready to move in.

Financial transparency, at least, is part of moving in together, otherwise you potentially end up with all sorts of crap linked to your address through no fault (and often no knowledge) of your own.

ManchesterLu · 30/07/2024 18:30

Nah, tell him to move straight back out again. Maybe he can stay over more to see how things go, but he can't just decide to move in without being asked.

TheOneandOnlyPrincessFiona84 · 30/07/2024 18:30

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 29/07/2024 14:50

You’ve got yourself a hobosexual there.

tell him to leave and dump him on his way out

😂😂😂😂

what a nerve! Get him out asap.

browneyes77 · 30/07/2024 18:34

capstix · 29/07/2024 18:36

I respect your views but I've been around too long to suggest someone throws away a relationship because their ego is bruised. Love is hard to find. Even harder to keep.

Sounds like for all the years you’ve ’been around’ you’ve learnt nothing.

If you can’t see why this man moving himself into OP’s home with no discussion and then threatening to break off the relationship if she doesn’t let him stay, is severely problematic, then you must’ve been naively going through life with blinkers on.

Because normal people, with a brain and emotional intelligence, don’t do this. Users however, do. This behaviour isn’t love.

OverheardInLidl · 30/07/2024 18:36

Serriadh · 30/07/2024 18:30

If you do want to try to continue this relationship (I certainly wouldn’t) then give him the fright of his life and tell him you’re also ready for the next step: full financial accountability. Him first! What does he earn, what does he earn, what debts does he have, what’s his credit store, how much do his parents subsidise him and will they continue when he moves out? Who’s paying for the financial advice/solicitor’s fees to sort out what happens with your house/mortgage (implications of him contributing, etc). How’re you going to split bills (your council tax will go up).

How have chores been handled when he’s lived with people before? (Some people like a rota, some people have regular jobs that are always their responsibility, etc.) Will you aim for equal downtime around other commitments (work, housework, life admin) or some other arrangement?

Think up a nice lot of questions and keep expressing delight that he wants to go through all of them with you, one by one, as he’s so keen and ready to move in.

Financial transparency, at least, is part of moving in together, otherwise you potentially end up with all sorts of crap linked to your address through no fault (and often no knowledge) of your own.

Add to that details of previous living arrangements besides living at his parents. Has he ever lived away from home? Did he have his own tenancy or was it a house share? Or did he just latch onto women who had their own place and just "move in" out of the blue like he just tried to do to OP? What is his employment history like?

Personally I would just call it a day and get the locks changed.

AnnieSnap · 30/07/2024 18:37

MidnightPatrol · 29/07/2024 14:45

Ask him to leave, explaining you are not ready to make this step.

This 👆 and don’t delay!

NonsuchCastle · 30/07/2024 18:43

notacooldad · 29/07/2024 15:34

Thanks all, I was really shocked and quite disappointed how he just showed up out the blue with his stuff. I haven’t asked him to move back yet cos I’m just a bit taken back and a bit worried asking him to leave will end the relationship
Stop being so wet and stand up for yourself.

Seriously, don't tell her to "stop being so wet" - she might be very young and inexperienced in life. I can imagine being confused etc in such a situation when I was young.