Partner moved himself in WITHOUT my say so

[Girlgamer]

So my partner moved himself in last night… he literally walked in with his bags packed and said he’s moving in. Made himself at home. I was shocked, because we’d not had the conversation yet about him moving in. He just invited himself in. He used to live at his parents. He’s moved into my own house/mortgaged and said he is happy to split the bills and pay his way. What do I do? Because I’m not sure I feel ready for him to move in, and I’m shocked that he’s just come on his own, saying it is a “surprise” for me…

All of this.

I wouldn’t do this as he may become aggressive.

He absolutely thinks you’ll cave or be upset as he’s awol. I wouldn’t even bother to ask for the key back. That involves communicating with him. The more you communicate, the more he will try to wheedle his way back in. I would just change the locks and return his belongings. And block him. So so many red flags.

Please update us op. Let us know your safe and what happened last night

What’s wrong with you? Why couldn’t you speak your mind and be honest in the moment about how you felt about it? ie. This is something you’d discussed and you weren’t comfortable with it

i am glad you told him in the end, don’t respond to his ultimatum and don’t let him pressure you

Just change the locks.

I would drop his belongings off at his parents' house leaving him no reason to return. Don't engage in conversation. Also change the locks.

She was probably stunned and couldn't find the words at the time. It's not always easy when put on the spot like that. Why didn't you.... is a pointless question because there's nothing anyone can do about it now.

How did he take the news?

I dont think he loves you very much if he's prepared to dump you if you dont let him move in. If this was love he'd wait until you are ready. He's a user.

Perfect summary fleabites! 👏

If you change the locks you won't need to ask for it back and he'll be none the wiser that the key he has doesn't work.

Just get the lock changed when he isn't there.

Hope you've managed to get his belongings out of your place and that he is man enough to know that he overstepped here, massively.

Well he's got some brass neck hasn't he??

He just plonked his stuff down in your house - announced "Hey I'm ready to move in now so I'm not considering your thoughts about it at all - Here I am" and then in an argument gas lighted you by threatening to end the relationship??

The disappearing act last night is also a form of manipulation.

At least you now know who he is. Sounds like you already have - but do end this relationship - and don't allow this guy to manipulate you to re-kindle things.

His ultimatum is enough reason to end the relationship.

There is nothing wrong with being single.

Sorry OP, he is awful! Glad you are getting rid.

I would change the locks immediately, and get a chain on the door too (in case he tries to barge his way when he comes over to get his stuff). I'd have his things ready on the doorstep outside to collect.

He's hoping if he gives you the silent treatment you'll suddenly decide you want him back.

Leaving his stuff also gives him an 'in'.

I had a narcissist friend in uni (before I knew what she was) her partner broke up with her and for 3 months, she refused to pick up her stuff from him. When I asked why, thinking she'd say it was too hard. She said that she wanted him to keep thinking about her and feel bad. It's sheer power play behaviour.

If he's ever had a key, change your locks.
Even if he gives you his key back. He could have made copies.

Drop his things with his parents whilst he is at work.

keep the door bolted from the inside when you're home.

Arrange to change the lock barrel ASAP.

If you live anywhere near SWLondon I have a contact for a very reliable mobile locksmith - no he's not a mate, we used him to change our broken lock and he was recommended by neighbours - here it is for anyone who needs one :

EPR Locksmith 07454 482 395

Not to mention he's probably already been chipping at her boundariesMaking her doubt the validity of her feelings and needs. That's why he thought she was ready for the bulldoze.

So even after he left, you still asked him to continue the relationship? He really must have sensed the desperation to be with him that's why he was was so brazen to do this. Please don't beg him to be with you and work on your boundaries.

He’s either left his stuff because he thinks he’s in, or plans to be.
Or, he’s been chucked out of his parents so has nowhere to put it, so biding his time till he’s back in with OP.
Either way, it’s time to get rid. He sounds absolutely dreadful.

I have no evidence from your thread to suggest this, but are you autistic OP? If so, get support from other people to get rid of him. Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated.

I wouldn't say he 'sensed the desperation', I'd say he created it (or has attempted to). Abusers are expert manipulators and often use tactics like blowing hot and cold, love bombing, mirroring etc to cause infatuation and mess with our cortisol/adrenaline/dopamine. To hook us on them. To make us think they are the ones who can resolve our distress, even though - they are the cause of it.

Ops boundaries may have been perfectly reasonable before he met her. And then he started to slowly boil her like a frog in a pan.

But he's misjudged the strength of his hand and acted rashly too soon. He hadn't broken her down enough. She's cottoned on and can now get free :)

What has being autistic got to do with the op's situation?

I'm sure non autistic individuals can also fall victim to manipulation.

Even if she was, that's hardly the point of the thread is it?

I'm shocked at the number of posters suggesting there must be something wrong with the op just because she didn't throw would be cocklodger straight away.

It does look like op will take action to prevent him moving in, and hopefully getting rid!

This is how outrageous people operate. They do something that is shocking and unreasonable and that invalidates your agency or personhood. Three of four separate incidences like this and you're pinned like a butterfly, frozen in place. My advice is to get rid immediately. There is no feasible excuse for such behaviour. It's the start of a pattern.

Looks like you dodged a bullet there!

If you know where his parents live, stick his things in a taxi. Change your locks immediately but still ask for your old key back. He may return it, he may not. St the moment he's playing chicken with you.

Block him and go out and have a great time without him.

Please don’t continue the relationship with this man OP, keep him out of your house and change the locks. He’s just looking for a way to get out from living with his parents without saving up and actually spending his own cash to get a place. He’s loving having a partner with her own place who he can just move in with uninvited! And do you really believe he would contribute equally to the household finances?