Partner moved himself in WITHOUT my say so

[Girlgamer]

So my partner moved himself in last night… he literally walked in with his bags packed and said he’s moving in. Made himself at home. I was shocked, because we’d not had the conversation yet about him moving in. He just invited himself in. He used to live at his parents. He’s moved into my own house/mortgaged and said he is happy to split the bills and pay his way. What do I do? Because I’m not sure I feel ready for him to move in, and I’m shocked that he’s just come on his own, saying it is a “surprise” for me…

What do I do?

Do you really need to ask? Tell him this is not the deal and he has to move out.

Moving from his parents they probably threw him out to yours makes him look like a cocklodger.

Please dump him, you deserve better than this freeloader.

Drop it off at his parents.

Do Not do this! You are not his maid.

Dump it on the street and see the homeless help themselves

He sounds pathetic.

Did you ask him the obvious question "What are you playing at?"

Any update op?

Emergency locksmith.

Too many 🚩.

He’s taking a chance by turning up with his junk & a bag of false expectations.
He is telling you who he is - believe him.

i guess he is ashamed by his behaviour
what a fool

I would write “Okay then. Thanks for letting me know. Your stuff’s getting put outside in the morning. Better get it before someone nicks it or the weather changes. Pop your key in the lock before you leave pls.” **I would stay at home and ensure that the key was in the back of the lock so he can’t get in, and make sure he doesn’t come into the house. What a creeper. I’d be interested to know if he’s done that before.

Totally agree.

I would think this is a massive red flag.

He has abuser written all over him.

Healthy people do not do this.

Controlling, manipulative, abusive people do......trying to remove your choice.

He is dangerous.

You can get an emergency locksmith, I’d do that in case he’s made a copy of the key.

Change the locks and don’t worry about the key.

This man was completely manipulative towards you.

I don’t trust him at all. Drop his stuff at his parents house after you’ve changed the locks.

Tell him to go straight back while the bags are still packed. Once he starts unpacking and settling it will be more difficult.

Leaving his stuff there is part of his game. He assumes you will change your mind. Or it gives him an excuse to come back round again.

Whilst on one hand I agree not to take his stuff to his parents (as you aren't his maid) I actually think I would because it puts an end to his games and gives him no reason to come round again. Same with changing the locks. I can see him calling and saying I need to bring your key back. It will be easier to say no need I've changed the locks. Give him nothing to hold over you!

This!

I'm with Spiralling. I'd take his stuff around just to put a definite end to the situation.

There’s worse to come if you let him stay. In brief, belongings outside and locks changed. If he objects call police for restraining order. I sense trouble. You don’t need a cocklodger.

Just get rid of him OP. He is playing games with you by leaving his stuff there, if he had really decided to finish with you he would have taken it with him. He is hugely disrespectful of you, he has shown you what he is like & there is no going back.

Do what you need to do to get his stuff out of your home and him entirely out of your life asap. And I would just change the locks; even if he gives you the key back for all you know he could have made a copy.

Hope you had a quiet night @Girlgamer and he didn’t turn up. Remember we’re here if you need to talk.

If he wants to move out from his parents he needs to grow up and do it properly. Not piggy backing on you without a grown up conversation. What a cheek.

He's probably stayed out in the hope that you worry about him - & therefore let him continue his stealth move in.

Wonder what tactic he will try next.

Good morning OP, I'm hoping you had a quiet night.

If you didn't have him on your doorstep I hope you're taking the day off to get your locks changed. I'd be worried he'd let him self in when I was at work.

Take the moral high ground though and take his belongings home. Give him no more excuse to behave badly.

Agree with a pp- he's game playing now.

Don't engage with the silliness - just be firm and stand by what you've already said.

Just change the locks and make sure your house is completely secure. He could have the key copied.

Like others I hope you had a quiet evening. I'd make it very cool and businesslike. "Give me my key in exchange for your bag." Block and move on. Change the locks if you feel it necessary, at the very least get extra bolts. Good luck OP.

So, how many years have you been going out?
Did you hope he was likely to be your life long partner?
Were you expecting any proposal etc?

If you had only just started going out, I can see your concern.

If you have been going out for years, had you discussed whether you were open to living together, whether you were aiming for marriage, etc etc?

Any long term partner is free to dictate the terms of the relationship that they will tolerate. Clearly your partner has spelt it out and you have answered honestly.

I would definitely drop the stuff off at his parents.