Partner moved himself in WITHOUT my say so

[Girlgamer]

So my partner moved himself in last night… he literally walked in with his bags packed and said he’s moving in. Made himself at home. I was shocked, because we’d not had the conversation yet about him moving in. He just invited himself in. He used to live at his parents. He’s moved into my own house/mortgaged and said he is happy to split the bills and pay his way. What do I do? Because I’m not sure I feel ready for him to move in, and I’m shocked that he’s just come on his own, saying it is a “surprise” for me…

When did you give him a spare key, and what was discussed at the time?

either way, definitely don’t bother asking for the key back. Just change the locks asap

Seems a bit controlling to me, he obviously didn't care for your feelings or even your opinion

You don't need to ask for it back, just change the locks. His key will be scrap metal as soon as you do.

Leave your key in the door on the inside until you get the lock changed.

Wowzers, cocklodgers are getting really shameless these days. Call his bluff and sacrifice the relationship if necessary, you’ll never get rid once he starts leeching off you.

Agree with PP. He has expected you to blow up his phone all night and beg him to come over.

If you haven’t changed the locks already you can get a locksmith out 24/7 and it should cost about £90 which in my mind is worth doing. I would not sleep a wink if I thought he was going to let himself in at any minute.

Please take his things to his parents first thing tomorrow. You don’t need him to come and collect. You really don’t need to see him at all. He isn’t right OP. Please don’t be tempted to be nice here. He hasn’t been at all nice. And could actually be dangerous. Protect yourself.

@Girlgamer no need to get the key back from him if you change the locks. Probably easier that way, as you've no way of knowing if he's made a copy.

Definitely get rid.

He doesn't respect you, and that's a pretty big red flag, and his silence now is to punish you, which is another, and that's without him not even asking you first.

He’s trying to scare you by not coming back, so that you let him move in because you will be so devastated at the thought of losing him.

He’s in for a shock.

Would be a relationship ender for me.

Just change the lock, tomorrow AM if possible.

If not, can you use a different (back?) door and leave your key turned in the lock in the front door so he cant just let himself in? Forget asking him for the key back, its interaction that wouldnt help.

I suspect he wants you to be so upset he hasn't come home that you panic about losing him and let him stay.

It's very odd behaviour to just move in. And frame it as a surprise? What else would he do that he wants to do, making it hard for you to object because he's 'giving you a nice surprise'!

Might be a good learning curve for him if you don't accept this.

Lots of red flags

You are doing the right thing

I hope you can lock him out somehow this evening and get the spare off him tomorrow / change them.

Agree with proactively removing his stuff

What a bellend.

My best wishes to you OP

I’d be very tempted to print this thread off and staple a page to each of his bin bags of stuff he’s got stored on your home.

I'm sure you'll already know by now that this man is manipulative, controlling and a potential abuser.
He turns up at your home unannounced.
He's tried to gaslight you into thinking this is a good surprise and that you should be pleased he wants to move in with you.
So now he's acting hurt and is the victim because how dare you stop him from disrespecting your boundaries.
He's given you the silent treatment to punish you for not behaving like a good girl, and probably expects you to reach out to apologise and guilt trip you into letting him move in.

At least you've seen the mask slip early. He's let you know who he is, so have no regrets about ending the relationship, because it won't get better.

It's not a decision he can make without you. Tell him this. You need time to think things through. In the meantime he moves out.

@Girlgamer

Honestly, I'd be dropping his stuff off at his parent's or at his work first thing in the morning then texting him where it is. That way hopefully he won't think he's buffaloed you and let himself in whilst you're at work.

Changing lock barrels is easier than changing the whole lock and often DIY. There are plenty of tutorials on YouTube, check to see if it's something you feel you can do. 'Same day' locksmiths are expensive!

But I'm wondering if his parents have actually kicked him out 'now that he has someplace to go'. It's just so odd that someone would show up at someone's door and basically announce "I'm moving in", unless they couldn't go 'home' and had nowhere else to go.

Hope you get a good night's sleep without any 'interruptions'.

PS a pyramid of cans or empty heavy jars stacked behind a door make a good racket when someone opens it. Just in case.

That was my thought too. Maybe he is staying out so he can let himself in and use the "My parents already went to bed, so I have to stay here." Repeat until OP kicks him out, no matter the time.

I was also expecting him to start love-bombing OP, and am glad he hasn't.

OP has he overstepped your boundaries in other smaller ways before?

And tomorrow he's going to book the registry appointment for you to get married!

Tell him to leave. Thats controlling behaviour .

🚩🚩🚩

it might be a good thing if the relationship ends he clearly had no respect for you or your home

I think his mum has had enough of him, they argued and he stropped off

Tell him to close the door on his way out.

No he wont

The audacity of some men! If anyone, man or woman, presented themselves at mine with their bags announcing they were moving in they would be on their way straight away with said bags and the echoes of my laughter ringing off their ears.

Good luck OP! Leave your key in the door tonight in case the prick intends to let himself in before the morning. This is YOUR house and you decide who comes in and out.